He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you a doctor? Just thought you were since you said you had a lot of years in training at work and then you had kids much later.

OP, your health and safety are number one. like all suggested, STD"s are a big concern.
Also, I would not put myself at risk with the STD's. So, I would not sleep with my husband . I would confront him and make a plan to move out/divorce...

How is he with the kids?

[Anonymous]

how did you find out OP?
If it was one fling, it is much easier to forget.
But since it is multiple - how could you go on like this??

Please think about you and your kids. You can be a better mother if you did not have to worry about this issue. So, I would get out.

[Anonymous]

What sort of proof did you find that gave you all of that information? If your marriage is a good as you say, why were you snooping? My biggest concern would be your kids finding out and growing up thinking that it is acceptable behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how did you find out OP?
If it was one fling, it is much easier to forget.
But since it is multiple - how could you go on like this??

Please think about you and your kids. You can be a better mother if you did not have to worry about this issue. So, I would get out.

You do you. Don’t judge her. It perfectly easy to see why one would not want to leave the love of one’s youth with whom they have two children and shared finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you won’t leave then why tell him you know? Serves zero purpose and he might leave you once he knows you know

Actually high percentage he will leave you first

How on earth could people live with someone and not discuss this with them?!? I couldn't remotely have an authentic relationship with someone from whom I was keeping a secret like this. (Obviously the husband has no problem with it, since he's been hiding the secret of his cheating, but I don't understand that side of things, either).

They compartmentalize. That’s what the husband is doing, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you find out OP?
If it was one fling, it is much easier to forget.
But since it is multiple - how could you go on like this??

Please think about you and your kids. You can be a better mother if you did not have to worry about this issue. So, I would get out.

You do you. Don’t judge her. It perfectly easy to see why one would not want to leave the love of one’s youth with whom they have two children and shared finances.

I'm not judging her at all. For me it is about being 100 percent faithful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a doctor? Just thought you were since you said you had a lot of years in training at work and then you had kids much later.

OP, your health and safety are number one. like all suggested, STD"s are a big concern.
Also, I would not put myself at risk with the STD's. So, I would not sleep with my husband . I would confront him and make a plan to move out/divorce...

How is he with the kids?

Op here. Yes

On hold with gynecologist scheduling this appointment now.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you know. Air it all out and see his reaction/response. Make your decision after you had a day or two to digest his reaction/response.

[Anonymous]

Op, i love a man who is not monogamous. I don’t want to/can’t build a life with him but I do love him. You may be able to continue to love your husband but building a life with someone who is not truthful is a whole other bag of worms. You need to separate the two—human complexity, your history, your love for one another, from the very tangible aspects of building a life, raising children, and growing as an individual. I don’t see how cheating and lying are compatible with the second set of tasks. Either he comes fully clean and you decide together whether to continue (and he has to fully face himself and be realistic about what he can and cannot promise), or you live a sham life by staying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What sort of proof did you find that gave you all of that information? If your marriage is a good as you say, why were you snooping? My biggest concern would be your kids finding out and growing up thinking that it is acceptable behavior.

He fell asleep with his open laptop on his lap. I moved it so it wouldn’t fall off the bed in the night, which I’ve done plenty of times before. This time, What was on the screen was extremely shocking and could only be one thing. I then did snoop and found lots lots more. Texts, meet ups, dating profiles, many things correlating with his business travel. Connecting various other dots, and knowing his patterns of behavior, it’s all very very clear. He’s actively making plans for more including tomorrow. And this weekend he has a work trip that I am certain will provide further opportunities.

I am very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you won’t leave then why tell him you know? Serves zero purpose and he might leave you once he knows you know

Actually high percentage he will leave you first

How on earth could people live with someone and not discuss this with them?!? I couldn't remotely have an authentic relationship with someone from whom I was keeping a secret like this. (Obviously the husband has no problem with it, since he's been hiding the secret of his cheating, but I don't understand that side of things, either).

Yeah I don’t get this either. It’s one thing if you decide to sort of wall yourself off emotionally but in any kind of genuinely loving authentic relationship I don’t see how both parties can do so much pretending. And I get staying for the kids or the money, etc., but if you’re turning a blind eye to something like this you can’t really have a “good marriage.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a doctor? Just thought you were since you said you had a lot of years in training at work and then you had kids much later.

OP, your health and safety are number one. like all suggested, STD"s are a big concern.
Also, I would not put myself at risk with the STD's. So, I would not sleep with my husband . I would confront him and make a plan to move out/divorce...

How is he with the kids?

He’s a fantastic, loving, very involved and attentive father. We are a tight family unit with a lot of time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a doctor? Just thought you were since you said you had a lot of years in training at work and then you had kids much later.

OP, your health and safety are number one. like all suggested, STD"s are a big concern.
Also, I would not put myself at risk with the STD's. So, I would not sleep with my husband . I would confront him and make a plan to move out/divorce...

How is he with the kids?

Op here. Yes

On hold with gynecologist scheduling this appointment now.

Off topic but I have had a terrible time trying to schedule a gyno appointment either with GW or MedStar. I have a small issue I want checked out and they literally told me they had no appointments available on the calendar at all. Your GP can order this panel too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you won’t leave then why tell him you know? Serves zero purpose and he might leave you once he knows you know

Actually high percentage he will leave you first

How on earth could people live with someone and not discuss this with them?!? I couldn't remotely have an authentic relationship with someone from whom I was keeping a secret like this. (Obviously the husband has no problem with it, since he's been hiding the secret of his cheating, but I don't understand that side of things, either).

They compartmentalize. That’s what the husband is doing, right?

Compartmentalization to this degree precludes the possibility of an authentic relationship. Chronically hiding a huge part of your life is the antithesis of authenticity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What sort of proof did you find that gave you all of that information? If your marriage is a good as you say, why were you snooping? My biggest concern would be your kids finding out and growing up thinking that it is acceptable behavior.

He fell asleep with his open laptop on his lap. I moved it so it wouldn’t fall off the bed in the night, which I’ve done plenty of times before. This time, What was on the screen was extremely shocking and could only be one thing. I then did snoop and found lots lots more. Texts, meet ups, dating profiles, many things correlating with his business travel. Connecting various other dots, and knowing his patterns of behavior, it’s all very very clear. He’s actively making plans for more including tomorrow. And this weekend he has a work trip that I am certain will provide further opportunities.

I am very sad.

Sounds like sex addiction. He need therapy and quickly. This is definitely not about you and it’s not about any one woman, which I think is good. He is coping with a very poor strategy. This is fixable. It’s not like he fell in love with someone and carried on for many years (although even then, I’d venture there’s a way back to a genuine marriage). I’m the poster above who said I loved a non-monogamous man. This is different; like an alcoholic or drug addict, the brain doesn’t work properly and needs to be weaned off the dopamine and visopresin and then he needs strategies to avoid relapse.

Sending you big hugs, OP.