He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Hang in there OP. I’m rooting for you whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is his issue, his awful coping mechanism, it’s not your issue. Second, something like 50% of people cheat at some point. I’d be concerned if it has been with multiple people.

Why are you hesitant about confronting? How did you find out?

You can do whatever YOU want from here.

[Anonymous]

OP if you won’t leave then why tell him you know? Serves zero purpose and he might leave you once he knows you know

Actually high percentage he will leave you first

[Anonymous]

Cannot imagine having this information and not confronting immediately!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tonight I found undeniable proof my husband of almost 20 years has been cheating on me. Probably multiple times with multiple partners over an extended period of time, both locally and on business travel.

I'm in shock because he's very loving and we have regular sex.

He doesn't know that I know, and I'm not sure I should confront him. The thing is, I love him and I don't want to get divorced. We have 2 young children we both love. I'm hurt, but somehow I feel like if I were a better wife this wouldn't have happened, and if I can just go on like I don't know, we can continue on and stay together. I'm so scared he will fall in love with someone else, but if it's just more sex he wants, I can live with that. I think.

I'm not sure what to do. Can people go on and ignore things like this, forever?

Please be kind. This is one of the worst nights of my life and I don't have anyone I can tell.

Yes. Some people can. It depends if you to make each other happy. Also, if he’s being safe.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. The early days after discovery were the absolute worst. If you are not currently seeing a therapist, you need to get one ASAP, and they need to be informed in trauma recovery. The posters at survivinginfidelity.com have a wealth of helpful insight and I highly recommend them. I saw a recommendation on here yesterday about Partner Hope and the website has a bunch of blog posts covering the stages of healing from betrayal trauma.

You are the not the reason your husband cheated. The state of your marriage is not the reason your husband cheated. He is 100% responsible for his actions, so don't fall into the blame trap especially once you confront him. You don't have to make any long-term decisions today but start contingency planning to protect yourself and your children, no matter what path you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have been married 20 years but have small children? Explain that? How old are the kids? Do you work?

OP here. Married at 22. Had kids at 34 and 37. Now 42 with an 8 and 5 year old.

Yes, I have always worked. My career required a long period of graduate education and post graduate training, hence having kids in our 30s even though we married in our 20s.

Well OP idk what to tell you. You have a weird family makeup. Most people wouldn't wait that long to start having kids after getting married. I'd venture to guess you have a ton of problems in your marriage and home life that you're blind to.

Don’t be stupid. She’s obviously a doctor or something you could never dream of accomplishing.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post 10 years ago.three things I think you need to do right now.

You have to get a therapist right away. Living with this information with no one to talk to about it will eat you alive. You just need to be able to say it out loud to someone safe.

You need to see a doctor and get an STD test. This was hard for me. I felt so ashamed taking the first step. I did end up needing treatment.

Just make sure you’re not in the dark about family finances. It can take a long time to get a handle on them if you were previously trusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly there are many ways to have a happy marriage. You get to decide how you feel about it and what to do next. If it were me, I would turn a blind eye.

And that would be OK. OP, this is nothing you’ve done. This is who he is. You need to decide if this is OK with you. You can have the discussion by simply asking him about it, and asking him why and if there’s anything you can do, and how to move forward. It might be the kick in the pants he needs, to re-evaluate his own life, when he sees how much he has to lose. I don’t personally think he will leave if you speak to him about it, based on his behavior towards you. Perhaps there are unmet needs you never even knew about, so how can that be your fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you won’t leave then why tell him you know? Serves zero purpose and he might leave you once he knows you know

Actually high percentage he will leave you first

How on earth could people live with someone and not discuss this with them?!? I couldn't remotely have an authentic relationship with someone from whom I was keeping a secret like this. (Obviously the husband has no problem with it, since he's been hiding the secret of his cheating, but I don't understand that side of things, either).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

Loving your kids and being a good parent are two different things. You think the kids won't eventually realize their parents' marriage is a sham?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you won’t leave then why tell him you know? Serves zero purpose and he might leave you once he knows you know

Actually high percentage he will leave you first

Because they need to address it and he needs to stop lying? If he can't be honest, he's not a decent man.

[Anonymous]

OP, please consider telling a trusted friend or two. I had a friend who went through hell with her alcoholic husband and didn't tell us anything and it almost tore her apart. We didn't know he was an alcoholic, that he had lost his job, that they were struggling to pay the mortgage, etc. Once she broke down and told us we did nothing but support her. They separated and then got back together (with a lot of other drama in between) and we always said all we cared about was her. If she wanted to be with him, we'd support her. If she wanted to leave him, we'd support her. I get that you don't want people to know this about your husband, but your friends should love you no matter what (even if you were the one who cheated). Don't lose out on feeling supported because you're worried about what others will think. Obviously be careful about who you tell, but I would hope you have close friends who would be nothing but supportive. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post 10 years ago.three things I think you need to do right now.

You have to get a therapist right away. Living with this information with no one to talk to about it will eat you alive. You just need to be able to say it out loud to someone safe.

You need to see a doctor and get an STD test. This was hard for me. I felt so ashamed taking the first step. I did end up needing treatment.

Just make sure you’re not in the dark about family finances. It can take a long time to get a handle on them if you were previously trusting.

This is great advice whether you stay or leave the marriage. The one thing I know for certain is he won’t change. He can still be a companion to you and raise the kids but you do need to protect yourself and them either way.

[Anonymous]

OP, First, I'm sorry, this is hard.
Second, I'm of the camp that believes your husband can still love his family and children a lot.
Yes, there is other stuff going on. He's selfish, obviously. But I actually feel we all are, and sometimes we should and do put ourselves first.

I don't think you can ignore it forever, but I do think that you could LIVE with it forever IF you talk about it and come up with a plan.

But first - therapy for you to determine what you really want, then negotiate that (probably with a counselor) so that you and your DH are on the same page. This may mean an open marriage. It may mean polyamoury. It may mean no extra-curriculars at all. But you need to talk about it.

It's OK not to know what you want yet.