Does anyone regret leaving the work force?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left the workforce for almost ten years. Scariest thing I ever did. I was convinced I would never get a job again. I did some freelance work in the interim to make sure I was still somewhat in the workforce. When it was time to go back it was fine. It was completely fine. Sure, I'm not Executive Vice President of Important Things, but I picked up where I left off, salary-wise. I did a career pivot, so I'm in a field similar to, but not exactly the same. I transitioned from marketing to tech writing. My only regret is the time I spent worrying that I made a mistake.

This is really heartening to hear! I'm in the end stage of staying home for about 9 years, and am trying to figure out how to get back in. it's very stressful, I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake by quitting, so it's wonderful to hear that it worked out for you! I also freelanced (wrote articles) and had a book published during that time (i always had 10-15 hours of childcare). fingers crossed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left the workforce for almost ten years. Scariest thing I ever did. I was convinced I would never get a job again. I did some freelance work in the interim to make sure I was still somewhat in the workforce. When it was time to go back it was fine. It was completely fine. Sure, I'm not Executive Vice President of Important Things, but I picked up where I left off, salary-wise. I did a career pivot, so I'm in a field similar to, but not exactly the same. I transitioned from marketing to tech writing. My only regret is the time I spent worrying that I made a mistake.

This is really heartening to hear! I'm in the end stage of staying home for about 9 years, and am trying to figure out how to get back in. it's very stressful, I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake by quitting, so it's wonderful to hear that it worked out for you! I also freelanced (wrote articles) and had a book published during that time (i always had 10-15 hours of childcare). fingers crossed.

DP here. May I ask how old you are?

I’m 44 and a SAHM of 3. I will have one kid in elementary, middle and high school. I still feel fairly busy between shuffling the three kids around.

I would like to work part time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, find a more flexible job. You're approaching this issue too rigidly: it's not a big, demanding job or leave the workforce entirely.

This is what I came to say too. You are thinking much too black and white here. Here was our experiences (kids currently 5 and 2).

Me: Transitioned from my demanding job where the culture was so toxic- answering emails on nights, weekends vacations, "unlimited PTO" but never encouraged to actually use it, the client is always right mentality to the tune of responding to them immediately at all hours. Just really soul sucking, never having a mental break, always carrying my work phone. Now I work from home M-F 8am-4pm. I drop the kids at preschool at 7:45, they do 1 hour of after care and I have them home by 4:20pm and we play while I cook dinner. We are going to Europe for two weeks over the holidays and I asked my boss if my work phone includes an international plan and she blankly stared at me and said I better not bring my phone or laptop then told me specific instructions for my OOO email, changing my voicemail to redirect people to her, etc. I did take a payout, but I still make $105k. Tomorrow my kids have a half day and my boss was like "awesome- enjoy!" no expectation to actually use PTO. I'm just fully trusted to manage my workload accordingly.

DH: Was also in a horribly toxic work environment. He literally worked 8am-6pm, ate with us, helped with bedtime, then got back on from 8-10/12 every night. Zero time for me. He was grumpy, depressed, and the shell of my husband. It got so bad that I literally made a resume for him and started sending it out because he didn't have the time or mental capacity to do so and I truly thought he was going to have a mental breakdown. After a very long and picky (declining several offers) job search, he landed an AWESOME role. He now works for a Swedish company so they very much value work-life balance. He gets 25 PTO days, 15 sick days for himself or dependents, and 12 holidays. When his boss sends DH emails after-hours or on weekends, he literally titles them "Don't read til Monday". This job does include travel around 20% of the time. DH has been there 7 months and is the only one on his team with kids. His boss has checked in with him 3x letting him know that travel dates can always be flexible if something is going on with our family/kids and that not having kids himself, he doesn't know what he doesn't know and is always open to DH's input on how to make their team more working parent friendly ask the team is set to double next year. One of our kids had a stomach bug a couple weeks ago and DH let his boss know and he responded "Thanks for the heads up- please forward any to-do lists that need completed today. Happy to cover."

I guess just trying to say that yes, it took us both really extensive job search processes but we both landed jobs that we enjoy and were very intentional about paying attention to work-life balance throughout the interviews. We both feel valued at work, able to handle the home and parenting responsibilities, and that has done a world of good for how we interact with our kids and each other. Truly, if you'd asked me two years ago, we were in a horrible, stressed to the max endless cycle. It doesn't have to be like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would at least try to scale back in some way. If that is at current job or different job.

Say no for the meeting the week of Thanksgiving. N.O. Unless you are the only brain surgeon in the area and the patient will perish without you operating, you can say no. I understand it might not be your culture and you might get blow back or your boss might be really mad but if you're on here posting about wanting to quit, seems worth trying saying no first and see how it goes.

I agree with this. If you generally like working but want more time with your kids try to make that happen. Definitely don’t go to this meeting. That’s ridiculous. Get really serious about prioritizing your family and if you can’t at this job leave and get a different one before leaving the workforce. If you are serious about quitting then also start to ask about your options. I like working but for various reasons 10 hours in daycare did not work for my kids and my DH could not do much (according to him). I have been with the same employer for nearly 10 years and I am very valuable to them for my expertise in a couple specific areas and they have really worked with me to keep me. That has primarily meant a reduced hour schedule (I mostly work while the kids are in preschool/public school) but I also just don’t apologize or make excuses when I’m off with a kid or taking vacation. One of my kids has a lot of doctors appointments and No one ever gave me a hard time about those and eventually I realized- I know what meetings are important and I get my stuff done and really that’s what matters. But I’m pretty fierce about say no and declining meetings, it wouldn’t work if I wasn’t willing to do that.

Personally I’m very glad and thankful I was able to go this route rather than getting a boring part time job after being out for a while. But YMMV.

I’m this PP and wanted to clarify I think SAH is amazing if that works for your family and what you want. I very much support all women (and men!) making whatever choice works for their family. But I also think everyone I know works too much and a lot of the time what they hate is how work is crowding out other things but don’t push back against it. I know three other women who have the same set up as me in terms of hours although they don’t do the exact same schedule and I don’t know if I would have thought to ask if I hadn’t heard about these other women’s experience. I think we need more options in this area than just the SAH vs have a big job and outsource that people focus on.

I sometimes talk about going back to work and Dh tells me to consider myself retired.

I once told a friend that I consider myself retired and this seemed to offend her. I know she still has some student loans from grad school.

I know a few SAHMs whose husbands don’t earn that much or enough to comfortably fund college for their kids or retirement. I don’t quite get why those wives don’t go back to work. That seems irresponsible and asking for trouble. Those same women would be in a really bad position if they ever did get divorced. There would be few assets to even split.

I wouldn’t repeat the retired comment. It makes you sound really entitled. And I SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left the work force when my kids were 4 and 6. I didn’t think I would leave forever. I ended up having another baby and have been home now for 5 years.

I think the most important factors are your dh’s income, your savings and the stability of your marriage.

Dh earns a seven figure income. If he only earned 500k, I would probably go back to work. For now, I am enjoying my family. No regrets.

Totally disagree based on how the OP framed the question. The most important factor is: How will OP feel about never having a "big" job again? Will she find personal satisfaction being home and not working? For a year? For 5 years? What about when she tries to go back and gets one of the "I work part time from home to have something to do but my income is only $12k a year" jobs that the PPs posted? If you're someone who is used to being in a big job, and derives satisfaction out of that, the fact that your husband can pay the mortgage is pretty low down the list of factors.

Totally agree. What does the OP want? What kind of lifestyle? What does she need to feel satisfied? I was on the way up when I stopped working. I'm the kind of person who does everything 100%. I'm not good at splitting my attentions and efforts. Had i worked I would have constantly felt like a sub par employee and sub par mom. My kids are grown now and are exactly the kind of people I had hoped they would be. Is that because I stayed home or in spite of it but I will say that in retrospect I am glad that I did. Ive always been confident in my intelligence and my contributions to my family and my community. My husband appreciated and valued my role in our family. My marriage is stronger because of it and I'm now free to pursue my interests. Some of this is due to work and choice and some is due to just good luck. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.

[Anonymous]

So much depends on your partner. Are they supportive? I’m extremely lucky that DH is on the same page. From the outside, ours looks like a very traditional marriage but we view it as a good division of labor, with both of us doing those tasks that suit us best. In our case, he earns the money and I run the home. We value each other’s efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who is rich and not divorced is going to say they have “no regrets.” What is there to regret in that case? Some of these husbands sound really helpless and clueless.

[Anonymous]

Leaving the workforce, for me, was a great decision and I have never regretted it. You won't get that time to spend with your kids again. I was constantly stressed and now I wake up and just feel peace. Yes, I know some people judge me as a lazy stay at home parent but my mental health has improved dramatically.

[Anonymous]

I was out for 6 years when my kid was young. I kind of had to be and don't really regret it, but now I see that my social security benefits really took a loss from that empty space where I made no money to raise my social security benefits and also contributed nothing to my 401k.

Now I'm in my 50s and really need to make up my retirement savings. If we get divorced, I will be in a tough spot. Husband's salary went up of course ha as did his social security benefits while I did almost all the work at home. You don't really know what will happen to your marriage and you might need to take care of yourself at some point, so be wary is what I'm saying I guess. It might seem like an escape but that might just be temporary and then you have different, perhaps bigger, problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was out for 6 years when my kid was young. I kind of had to be and don't really regret it, but now I see that my social security benefits really took a loss from that empty space where I made no money to raise my social security benefits and also contributed nothing to my 401k.

Now I'm in my 50s and really need to make up my retirement savings. If we get divorced, I will be in a tough spot. Husband's salary went up of course ha as did his social security benefits while I did almost all the work at home. You don't really know what will happen to your marriage and you might need to take care of yourself at some point, so be wary is what I'm saying I guess. It might seem like an escape but that might just be temporary and then you have different, perhaps bigger, problem.

No, they are all rich and have perfect, loving, understanding husbands. Just ask them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was out for 6 years when my kid was young. I kind of had to be and don't really regret it, but now I see that my social security benefits really took a loss from that empty space where I made no money to raise my social security benefits and also contributed nothing to my 401k.

Now I'm in my 50s and really need to make up my retirement savings. If we get divorced, I will be in a tough spot. Husband's salary went up of course ha as did his social security benefits while I did almost all the work at home. You don't really know what will happen to your marriage and you might need to take care of yourself at some point, so be wary is what I'm saying I guess. It might seem like an escape but that might just be temporary and then you have different, perhaps bigger, problem.

No, they are all rich and have perfect, loving, understanding husbands. Just ask them.

I’m the one whose Dh told me to consider myself retired.

I earned more than Dh when we got married. I put the down payment down on our first and second homes. I have my own savings and ownership interests on deals I worked on before I stopped working. I also handle all our joint finances. Our retirement and kids’ college funds are all fully funded. Before the markets tanked, I thought we had too much money in our kids’ college accounts.

If Dh stopped working tomorrow, we would be fine. If he died or we got divorced tomorrow, I would also be fine financially. If I received nothing from Dh if we ever got divorced, I would be ok financially but I would get some portion of our joint assets that were accumulated during our marriage.

If I didn’t have my own money and Dh didn’t earn more than enough to support our lifestyle, I would have gone back to work. Getting some flexible WFH job that pays $100k won’t make any change in our life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was out for 6 years when my kid was young. I kind of had to be and don't really regret it, but now I see that my social security benefits really took a loss from that empty space where I made no money to raise my social security benefits and also contributed nothing to my 401k.

Now I'm in my 50s and really need to make up my retirement savings. If we get divorced, I will be in a tough spot. Husband's salary went up of course ha as did his social security benefits while I did almost all the work at home. You don't really know what will happen to your marriage and you might need to take care of yourself at some point, so be wary is what I'm saying I guess. It might seem like an escape but that might just be temporary and then you have different, perhaps bigger, problem.

No, they are all rich and have perfect, loving, understanding husbands. Just ask them.

I’m the one whose Dh told me to consider myself retired.

I earned more than Dh when we got married. I put the down payment down on our first and second homes. I have my own savings and ownership interests on deals I worked on before I stopped working. I also handle all our joint finances. Our retirement and kids’ college funds are all fully funded. Before the markets tanked, I thought we had too much money in our kids’ college accounts.

If Dh stopped working tomorrow, we would be fine. If he died or we got divorced tomorrow, I would also be fine financially. If I received nothing from Dh if we ever got divorced, I would be ok financially but I would get some portion of our joint assets that were accumulated during our marriage.

If I didn’t have my own money and Dh didn’t earn more than enough to support our lifestyle, I would have gone back to work. Getting some flexible WFH job that pays $100k won’t make any change in our life.

We get it lady. You are rich. You won.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, find a more flexible job. You're approaching this issue too rigidly: it's not a big, demanding job or leave the workforce entirely.

This is what I came to say too. You are thinking much too black and white here. Here was our experiences (kids currently 5 and 2).

Me: Transitioned from my demanding job where the culture was so toxic- answering emails on nights, weekends vacations, "unlimited PTO" but never encouraged to actually use it, the client is always right mentality to the tune of responding to them immediately at all hours. Just really soul sucking, never having a mental break, always carrying my work phone. Now I work from home M-F 8am-4pm. I drop the kids at preschool at 7:45, they do 1 hour of after care and I have them home by 4:20pm and we play while I cook dinner. We are going to Europe for two weeks over the holidays and I asked my boss if my work phone includes an international plan and she blankly stared at me and said I better not bring my phone or laptop then told me specific instructions for my OOO email, changing my voicemail to redirect people to her, etc. I did take a payout, but I still make $105k. Tomorrow my kids have a half day and my boss was like "awesome- enjoy!" no expectation to actually use PTO. I'm just fully trusted to manage my workload accordingly.

DH: Was also in a horribly toxic work environment. He literally worked 8am-6pm, ate with us, helped with bedtime, then got back on from 8-10/12 every night. Zero time for me. He was grumpy, depressed, and the shell of my husband. It got so bad that I literally made a resume for him and started sending it out because he didn't have the time or mental capacity to do so and I truly thought he was going to have a mental breakdown. After a very long and picky (declining several offers) job search, he landed an AWESOME role. He now works for a Swedish company so they very much value work-life balance. He gets 25 PTO days, 15 sick days for himself or dependents, and 12 holidays. When his boss sends DH emails after-hours or on weekends, he literally titles them "Don't read til Monday". This job does include travel around 20% of the time. DH has been there 7 months and is the only one on his team with kids. His boss has checked in with him 3x letting him know that travel dates can always be flexible if something is going on with our family/kids and that not having kids himself, he doesn't know what he doesn't know and is always open to DH's input on how to make their team more working parent friendly ask the team is set to double next year. One of our kids had a stomach bug a couple weeks ago and DH let his boss know and he responded "Thanks for the heads up- please forward any to-do lists that need completed today. Happy to cover."

I guess just trying to say that yes, it took us both really extensive job search processes but we both landed jobs that we enjoy and were very intentional about paying attention to work-life balance throughout the interviews. We both feel valued at work, able to handle the home and parenting responsibilities, and that has done a world of good for how we interact with our kids and each other. Truly, if you'd asked me two years ago, we were in a horrible, stressed to the max endless cycle. It doesn't have to be like that.

Congrats, PP. It makes me happy to hear you and DH landed so well. I hate the idea of not working, and never considered quitting when any of the three kids came along, but at least one and hopefully both parents have to have a decent work situation to pull off the balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No but I have been in and out and my peers who never left are partners in BigLaw and I work in higher ed making a lot less money. Just know that yes, indeed, your career will never recover. Just part of being a woman in America!

They don’t exactly welcome SAH Dads back to their old jobs either.