Does anyone regret leaving the work force?

[Anonymous]

My husband was really appreciate when the kids were small but once the youngest went to MS he got really resentful. It wasn’t about the money - he made plenty - but he decided my life of ease was very unfair. It caused a lot of issues, and we were both resentful. I’ve talked about this before but most posters say this isn’t the case with them and their husbands don’t mind at all - so hopefully yours is like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids (ages 4 and 8) and a big job that has little flexibility and is very demanding. I have worked my whole life to get to where I am, but have been increasingly unhappy lately and am thinking about leaving. Before COVID I didn’t know any better, but now I feel like I want more time with my family and less stress. During COVID my company became really flexible by necessity for working parents dealing with kids at home, but the pendulum has swung back in the other direction and I would say things are worse than before. While I can work remote, the nature of what I do means that I am on video calls nearly all day from 9/10am to 5/6pm, and then I often need to go back online at night for an hour or two to finish up actual work. The final straw is that I am supposed to be on vacation the whole week of Thanksgiving by my boss has scheduled a last minute in person meeting for that week that I have to attend.

I am curious to hear from others who have left the workforce if they regret it. Once I am out I will not be able to get back in in the capacity that I current work. Could I find something else, sure, but it would be a HUGE pay cut and maybe not even worth my time. My DH wants me to quit since I am so stressed and unhappy.

But am I crazy to leave when I am on the cusp of both kids being in school full time next fall?

stay and outsource, you will regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No regrets.

I felt that I was finally able to be a good mom.

My marriage also improved.

Dam

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids (ages 4 and 8) and a big job that has little flexibility and is very demanding. I have worked my whole life to get to where I am, but have been increasingly unhappy lately and am thinking about leaving. Before COVID I didn’t know any better, but now I feel like I want more time with my family and less stress. During COVID my company became really flexible by necessity for working parents dealing with kids at home, but the pendulum has swung back in the other direction and I would say things are worse than before. While I can work remote, the nature of what I do means that I am on video calls nearly all day from 9/10am to 5/6pm, and then I often need to go back online at night for an hour or two to finish up actual work. The final straw is that I am supposed to be on vacation the whole week of Thanksgiving by my boss has scheduled a last minute in person meeting for that week that I have to attend.

I am curious to hear from others who have left the workforce if they regret it. Once I am out I will not be able to get back in in the capacity that I current work. Could I find something else, sure, but it would be a HUGE pay cut and maybe not even worth my time. My DH wants me to quit since I am so stressed and unhappy.

But am I crazy to leave when I am on the cusp of both kids being in school full time next fall?

stay and outsource, you will regret it.

And yet…a lot of us never did.

[Anonymous]

I regret it sometimes. I left a very high paying career and sometimes I miss having my own money. My husband makes about a quarter of what I made. We can still afford the basics, but definitely don’t have the luxurious life we had with my money. The flip side is that I get to stay home with soon to be 3 kids and we can homeschool. I did consider getting a part time telework job, but the money just didn’t seem worth the extra stress it would cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would at least try to scale back in some way. If that is at current job or different job.

Say no for the meeting the week of Thanksgiving. N.O. Unless you are the only brain surgeon in the area and the patient will perish without you operating, you can say no. I understand it might not be your culture and you might get blow back or your boss might be really mad but if you're on here posting about wanting to quit, seems worth trying saying no first and see how it goes.

I agree with this. If you generally like working but want more time with your kids try to make that happen. Definitely don’t go to this meeting. That’s ridiculous. Get really serious about prioritizing your family and if you can’t at this job leave and get a different one before leaving the workforce. If you are serious about quitting then also start to ask about your options. I like working but for various reasons 10 hours in daycare did not work for my kids and my DH could not do much (according to him). I have been with the same employer for nearly 10 years and I am very valuable to them for my expertise in a couple specific areas and they have really worked with me to keep me. That has primarily meant a reduced hour schedule (I mostly work while the kids are in preschool/public school) but I also just don’t apologize or make excuses when I’m off with a kid or taking vacation. One of my kids has a lot of doctors appointments and No one ever gave me a hard time about those and eventually I realized- I know what meetings are important and I get my stuff done and really that’s what matters. But I’m pretty fierce about say no and declining meetings, it wouldn’t work if I wasn’t willing to do that.

Personally I’m very glad and thankful I was able to go this route rather than getting a boring part time job after being out for a while. But YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would at least try to scale back in some way. If that is at current job or different job.

Say no for the meeting the week of Thanksgiving. N.O. Unless you are the only brain surgeon in the area and the patient will perish without you operating, you can say no. I understand it might not be your culture and you might get blow back or your boss might be really mad but if you're on here posting about wanting to quit, seems worth trying saying no first and see how it goes.

I agree with this. If you generally like working but want more time with your kids try to make that happen. Definitely don’t go to this meeting. That’s ridiculous. Get really serious about prioritizing your family and if you can’t at this job leave and get a different one before leaving the workforce. If you are serious about quitting then also start to ask about your options. I like working but for various reasons 10 hours in daycare did not work for my kids and my DH could not do much (according to him). I have been with the same employer for nearly 10 years and I am very valuable to them for my expertise in a couple specific areas and they have really worked with me to keep me. That has primarily meant a reduced hour schedule (I mostly work while the kids are in preschool/public school) but I also just don’t apologize or make excuses when I’m off with a kid or taking vacation. One of my kids has a lot of doctors appointments and No one ever gave me a hard time about those and eventually I realized- I know what meetings are important and I get my stuff done and really that’s what matters. But I’m pretty fierce about say no and declining meetings, it wouldn’t work if I wasn’t willing to do that.

Personally I’m very glad and thankful I was able to go this route rather than getting a boring part time job after being out for a while. But YMMV.

I’m this PP and wanted to clarify I think SAH is amazing if that works for your family and what you want. I very much support all women (and men!) making whatever choice works for their family. But I also think everyone I know works too much and a lot of the time what they hate is how work is crowding out other things but don’t push back against it. I know three other women who have the same set up as me in terms of hours although they don’t do the exact same schedule and I don’t know if I would have thought to ask if I hadn’t heard about these other women’s experience. I think we need more options in this area than just the SAH vs have a big job and outsource that people focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was really appreciate when the kids were small but once the youngest went to MS he got really resentful. It wasn’t about the money - he made plenty - but he decided my life of ease was very unfair. It caused a lot of issues, and we were both resentful. I’ve talked about this before but most posters say this isn’t the case with them and their husbands don’t mind at all - so hopefully yours is like that.

This is common. OP - Ask your husband what his thoughts are about your lifestyle 10 years down the road. Listen very carefully to what he says. If he says things like “you can probably go back to work” then you need to assume he will want you back at work. But as you know, you will have given up a lot professionally and likely end up resentful. If your husband has any expectation that you return to work then I would absolutely stay working.

[Anonymous]

I worked PT after having my first. I liked the idea of being able to work on my career and still be able to stay home most of the time with my baby. I worked 24 hours ( 3 days a week) and had a nanny for 27 hours a week. Then I had my second and the nanny stayed with us until his first year until we enrolled him a PT daycare. My kids are now 4 and 2 and I stay at home FT. I miss work but I’m in career field where I have the ability to jump back into work at any time.

[Anonymous]

I left the workforce for almost ten years. Scariest thing I ever did. I was convinced I would never get a job again. I did some freelance work in the interim to make sure I was still somewhat in the workforce. When it was time to go back it was fine. It was completely fine. Sure, I'm not Executive Vice President of Important Things, but I picked up where I left off, salary-wise. I did a career pivot, so I'm in a field similar to, but not exactly the same. I transitioned from marketing to tech writing. My only regret is the time I spent worrying that I made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

OP, find a more flexible job. You're approaching this issue too rigidly: it's not a big, demanding job or leave the workforce entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, find a more flexible job. You're approaching this issue too rigidly: it's not a big, demanding job or leave the workforce entirely.

+1 There's a whole universe of options between those two extremes.

I tried staying home for 3 years and found that my anxiety about divorce or husband's death or disability was almost debilitating. I'd have horrible insomnia about what I would do if I was left as a single mom and it was affecting my relationship with my husband.

I went back to work and now I lose sleep about other things but at least not about that! I don't have a big job -- never really wanted that anyway -- and it's pretty boring but I earn around $140K working 8am-4pm with 100% WFH so it's entirely manageable and doesn't cause too much stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would at least try to scale back in some way. If that is at current job or different job.

Say no for the meeting the week of Thanksgiving. N.O. Unless you are the only brain surgeon in the area and the patient will perish without you operating, you can say no. I understand it might not be your culture and you might get blow back or your boss might be really mad but if you're on here posting about wanting to quit, seems worth trying saying no first and see how it goes.

I agree with this. If you generally like working but want more time with your kids try to make that happen. Definitely don’t go to this meeting. That’s ridiculous. Get really serious about prioritizing your family and if you can’t at this job leave and get a different one before leaving the workforce. If you are serious about quitting then also start to ask about your options. I like working but for various reasons 10 hours in daycare did not work for my kids and my DH could not do much (according to him). I have been with the same employer for nearly 10 years and I am very valuable to them for my expertise in a couple specific areas and they have really worked with me to keep me. That has primarily meant a reduced hour schedule (I mostly work while the kids are in preschool/public school) but I also just don’t apologize or make excuses when I’m off with a kid or taking vacation. One of my kids has a lot of doctors appointments and No one ever gave me a hard time about those and eventually I realized- I know what meetings are important and I get my stuff done and really that’s what matters. But I’m pretty fierce about say no and declining meetings, it wouldn’t work if I wasn’t willing to do that.

Personally I’m very glad and thankful I was able to go this route rather than getting a boring part time job after being out for a while. But YMMV.

I’m this PP and wanted to clarify I think SAH is amazing if that works for your family and what you want. I very much support all women (and men!) making whatever choice works for their family. But I also think everyone I know works too much and a lot of the time what they hate is how work is crowding out other things but don’t push back against it. I know three other women who have the same set up as me in terms of hours although they don’t do the exact same schedule and I don’t know if I would have thought to ask if I hadn’t heard about these other women’s experience. I think we need more options in this area than just the SAH vs have a big job and outsource that people focus on.

I sometimes talk about going back to work and Dh tells me to consider myself retired.

I once told a friend that I consider myself retired and this seemed to offend her. I know she still has some student loans from grad school.

I know a few SAHMs whose husbands don’t earn that much or enough to comfortably fund college for their kids or retirement. I don’t quite get why those wives don’t go back to work. That seems irresponsible and asking for trouble. Those same women would be in a really bad position if they ever did get divorced. There would be few assets to even split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regret it sometimes. I left a very high paying career and sometimes I miss having my own money. My husband makes about a quarter of what I made. We can still afford the basics, but definitely don’t have the luxurious life we had with my money. The flip side is that I get to stay home with soon to be 3 kids and we can homeschool. I did consider getting a part time telework job, but the money just didn’t seem worth the extra stress it would cause.

I would not have left in this situation. If your spouse cannot comfortably support the family, you will probably go back at some point.

Will you have enough to pay for college or your retirement on your dh’s salary?

If anything, your Dh should have stayed home while you continued to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your boss is terrible. Personally I found a job with more manageable hours and reasonable expectations, and you probably could too.

This. I was thinking of leaving so I got a “mom job,” and it’s been great for me. I would have gotten WAY too invested in my ES kids if I stayed home full time at this age.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing- get a more reasonable job.