Married and infatuated with coworker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP I think we are in the same boat. I have a coworker who is my object of lust - like you, all in my head. I married my “best friend”, care about him, and makes me happy but there has never been a real physical spark. Now 20 years later I’m also a legging wearing soccer mom longing for some passion. Then I take a look at my never going away c-section shelf and saggy post-kid chest and it stops my fantasies. I feel like the ship sailed and I’m stuck in mediocrity.

I had a brief fling with a woman like you about 5 years ago. She was from a city an hour away but her best friend was dating my best friend so she'd come through town from time to time. We are both married. We had a couple make out sessions. Then once got carried away and did the deed. I have no idea what her body imperfections are, it was so hot being with someone new and who was equally turned on. I think we went at it for 2 hours and it was a total blur.

I wish everyone could have one last escape like this.

We did, with the last person we slept with before being married.
There is only a very small window of time to settle down, due to fertility, avoiding becoming elderly parents, strong undeniable societal pressure, etc. especially for a woman. If you don’t meet anyone you feel connected to during that small amount of time, then you may be single forever and never have a family. Being married to a friend beats being single forever I think, in some ways. I don’t know what the answer is…

[Anonymous]

I don’t easily fall in lust/love/form connections with men easily. That’s why I am so saddened and caught off guard when I feel such an intense pull, this visceral desire, for this married man. I feel like I need to get to know him, I feel so connected to him for some reason, but I am unable to pursue him. I have maybe only felt this way three times in my entire life and it was never reciprocated. My heart just hurts thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

^i think about it and I just burst into tears, it sounds crazy, I realize that. I have to go cry alone away from my family, it’s pathetic. Maybe if I actually got the chance to know this man, the desire would fizzle. It’s like the forbidden fruit is so attractive maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

I haven’t started anything, I am not even a blip on his radar. It’s all in my head, it’s torture and I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I haven’t felt like this in so long, it’s exhilarating yet it’s also destroying me.

Can't you just habituate by overdoing the thinking? And...self-caring? I don't like that you don't feel good. That's the part that has to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

I haven’t started anything, I am not even a blip on his radar. It’s all in my head, it’s torture and I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I haven’t felt like this in so long, it’s exhilarating yet it’s also destroying me.

Can't you just habituate by overdoing the thinking? And...self-caring? I don't like that you don't feel good. That's the part that has to stop.

I should confess that I too have a major crush but I don't want to blow up my marriage or even date this guy. I just want one night. I'm pretty sure he'd go for it; he's not married no kids. But I won't. I just "selfcare" a lot and avoid him but we work in the same field but not at the same place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t easily fall in lust/love/form connections with men easily. That’s why I am so saddened and caught off guard when I feel such an intense pull, this visceral desire, for this married man. I feel like I need to get to know him, I feel so connected to him for some reason, but I am unable to pursue him. I have maybe only felt this way three times in my entire life and it was never reciprocated. My heart just hurts thinking about it.

It’s chemicals. And they’re powerful. Try working out hard. Similar endorphins.

Been there, btw, wouldn’t recommend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

I haven’t started anything, I am not even a blip on his radar. It’s all in my head, it’s torture and I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I haven’t felt like this in so long, it’s exhilarating yet it’s also destroying me.

Can't you just habituate by overdoing the thinking? And...self-caring? I don't like that you don't feel good. That's the part that has to stop.

I try to focus on his negative qualities, like he seems a little awkward sometimes, or he seems to try too hard or something, to dampen my feelings. It works for a while but then when I see him again the obsessive thoughts come back, I can’t explain it. It’s like ocd. I have a visceral reaction to being in his presence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

I haven’t started anything, I am not even a blip on his radar. It’s all in my head, it’s torture and I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I haven’t felt like this in so long, it’s exhilarating yet it’s also destroying me.

Can't you just habituate by overdoing the thinking? And...self-caring? I don't like that you don't feel good. That's the part that has to stop.

Op here-
I think a lot of us feel like this. I’ve got the career, darling kids, supportive husband, SFH in the suburbs - everything that I was conditioned to think was the goal. I was pushed into marriage in my mid-20s by both sets of parents. I wasn’t quite mature enough to understand who I was and what I actually wanted in life. So now my days are 120% full with zero me time running from 6 am wake up to get ready for work, kids to school, off to professional job to pick up kids take them to activities rush them home cook, clean, pay the bills, keep life organized just to put the kids to bed and spend 10 minutes with my spouse before I want to pass out and just sleep.

So, it’s not so much the hot lusty coworker that is getting to me. It’s the realization that this is it. I checked the boxes like I was told to do and I’m not happy. Coworker is an emotional escape to the life I can’t have. And won’t have…because the reality is I will never actually cross that line to hurt my husband. That moral compass is too loud to give into what I want..

I’m thinking this is a bigger issue for many 40-something women. We often hit our “peak” later than men, but inconveniently post fertile years..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

I haven’t started anything, I am not even a blip on his radar. It’s all in my head, it’s torture and I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I haven’t felt like this in so long, it’s exhilarating yet it’s also destroying me.

Can't you just habituate by overdoing the thinking? And...self-caring? I don't like that you don't feel good. That's the part that has to stop.

Op here-
I think a lot of us feel like this. I’ve got the career, darling kids, supportive husband, SFH in the suburbs - everything that I was conditioned to think was the goal. I was pushed into marriage in my mid-20s by both sets of parents. I wasn’t quite mature enough to understand who I was and what I actually wanted in life. So now my days are 120% full with zero me time running from 6 am wake up to get ready for work, kids to school, off to professional job to pick up kids take them to activities rush them home cook, clean, pay the bills, keep life organized just to put the kids to bed and spend 10 minutes with my spouse before I want to pass out and just sleep.

So, it’s not so much the hot lusty coworker that is getting to me. It’s the realization that this is it. I checked the boxes like I was told to do and I’m not happy. Coworker is an emotional escape to the life I can’t have. And won’t have…because the reality is I will never actually cross that line to hurt my husband. That moral compass is too loud to give into what I want..

I’m thinking this is a bigger issue for many 40-something women. We often hit our “peak” later than men, but inconveniently post fertile years..

Agree, I fee like I am hitting my ‘peak’ now, it didn’t happen in my 20s or 30s, I was too busy establishing a career, finding a suitable partner, having babies, buying a house…Now all the dust settled and here I am, wondering how I am going to do this for another 40 years? No, I am not 100% happy, I cannot honestly say that given the opportunity, I would deny this married crush, and I am ashamed of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^i think about it and I just burst into tears, it sounds crazy, I realize that. I have to go cry alone away from my family, it’s pathetic. Maybe if I actually got the chance to know this man, the desire would fizzle. It’s like the forbidden fruit is so attractive maybe.

Oh cut it out.

Count to three and shut down those thoughts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

I haven’t started anything, I am not even a blip on his radar. It’s all in my head, it’s torture and I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I haven’t felt like this in so long, it’s exhilarating yet it’s also destroying me.

Can't you just habituate by overdoing the thinking? And...self-caring? I don't like that you don't feel good. That's the part that has to stop.

Op here-
I think a lot of us feel like this. I’ve got the career, darling kids, supportive husband, SFH in the suburbs - everything that I was conditioned to think was the goal. I was pushed into marriage in my mid-20s by both sets of parents. I wasn’t quite mature enough to understand who I was and what I actually wanted in life. So now my days are 120% full with zero me time running from 6 am wake up to get ready for work, kids to school, off to professional job to pick up kids take them to activities rush them home cook, clean, pay the bills, keep life organized just to put the kids to bed and spend 10 minutes with my spouse before I want to pass out and just sleep.

So, it’s not so much the hot lusty coworker that is getting to me. It’s the realization that this is it. I checked the boxes like I was told to do and I’m not happy. Coworker is an emotional escape to the life I can’t have. And won’t have…because the reality is I will never actually cross that line to hurt my husband. That moral compass is too loud to give into what I want..

I’m thinking this is a bigger issue for many 40-something women. We often hit our “peak” later than men, but inconveniently post fertile years..

Agree, I fee like I am hitting my ‘peak’ now, it didn’t happen in my 20s or 30s, I was too busy establishing a career, finding a suitable partner, having babies, buying a house…Now all the dust settled and here I am, wondering how I am going to do this for another 40 years? No, I am not 100% happy, I cannot honestly say that given the opportunity, I would deny this married crush, and I am ashamed of that.

This is called a midlife crisis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not the PP, but I tend to find picturing someone I'm attracted to taking a dump is an acutely effective turn-off. It works. It is totally gross.

So dumb. So you never wanted to have sex with your husband again after hearing him poop? Ridiculous. If this actually works for you, I'm guessing you're EXTREMELY uptight in bed.

Jeeeeez I never want to have sex again after hearing DH eat cereal. But I manage to get past those feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

I haven’t started anything, I am not even a blip on his radar. It’s all in my head, it’s torture and I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I haven’t felt like this in so long, it’s exhilarating yet it’s also destroying me.

Can't you just habituate by overdoing the thinking? And...self-caring? I don't like that you don't feel good. That's the part that has to stop.

Op here-
I think a lot of us feel like this. I’ve got the career, darling kids, supportive husband, SFH in the suburbs - everything that I was conditioned to think was the goal. I was pushed into marriage in my mid-20s by both sets of parents. I wasn’t quite mature enough to understand who I was and what I actually wanted in life. So now my days are 120% full with zero me time running from 6 am wake up to get ready for work, kids to school, off to professional job to pick up kids take them to activities rush them home cook, clean, pay the bills, keep life organized just to put the kids to bed and spend 10 minutes with my spouse before I want to pass out and just sleep.

So, it’s not so much the hot lusty coworker that is getting to me. It’s the realization that this is it. I checked the boxes like I was told to do and I’m not happy. Coworker is an emotional escape to the life I can’t have. And won’t have…because the reality is I will never actually cross that line to hurt my husband. That moral compass is too loud to give into what I want..

I’m thinking this is a bigger issue for many 40-something women. We often hit our “peak” later than men, but inconveniently post fertile years..

Agree, I fee like I am hitting my ‘peak’ now, it didn’t happen in my 20s or 30s, I was too busy establishing a career, finding a suitable partner, having babies, buying a house…Now all the dust settled and here I am, wondering how I am going to do this for another 40 years? No, I am not 100% happy, I cannot honestly say that given the opportunity, I would deny this married crush, and I am ashamed of that.

This is called a midlife crisis

So what is the solution? Buy a corvette?

[Anonymous]

OP, I was you a few years ago -- living the suburban dream, blah blah. I'm now divorced.

If you go down the affair path, be prepared to end your marriage. Not because your husband might find out -- but because once you fall for someone else and pursue that relationship, it is exceedingly difficult to return to the marriage. Even if you physically stay, your heart and mind will be with someone else.

Unsolicited advice, but try to use this as a wake-up call to re-prioritize. Cut out some of the schlepping if possible. See if you can get that spark back with your husband. If you truly can't, then leave -- with a clean conscience. But don't involve another person first. It complicates things so much and the guilt and regret are enormous.

I am happy, but I wish I had not strayed when I got that itch. I wish I had looked for other outlets for excitement and rejuvenation. Once I was with the AP, I couldn't give him up. The comfortable marriage couldn't compare to the new.

I am with my AP who is wonderful (contrary to the many naysayers who say affairs don't last and the feelings aren't real). But I miss my husband and having an intact family. We still may have wound up divorced but I would have felt more confident in the decision had I left without the involvement of a third party.

I wish you luck navigating this situation. It is incredibly common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not the PP, but I tend to find picturing someone I'm attracted to taking a dump is an acutely effective turn-off. It works. It is totally gross.

So dumb. So you never wanted to have sex with your husband again after hearing him poop? Ridiculous. If this actually works for you, I'm guessing you're EXTREMELY uptight in bed.

Jeeeeez I never want to have sex again after hearing DH eat cereal. But I manage to get past those feelings.

I like the advice that the married crush is someone else’s husband who leaves his crap around the house for you to pick up, sinks full of dirty dishes when they are perfectly capable of putting them in the dishwasher, and goes to the grocery store for “a quick run to get the essentials” then comes home 3 hours later with a random bag of crab-flavored Doritos, a frozen pizza and 3 kinds of expensive cheese - and no baby food, produce, milk, bread, toilet paper or anything actually on the list.