Married and infatuated with coworker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who did this. It has blown up her life, her now ex-husband’s life, and, worst of all, the kids are so upset and angry. They had a nice, stable family life and it is just gone. So much collateral damage. And the guy she had an affair with is gross. Her ex-husband is a great guy. It is mind boggling to me. So much self-destruction.

Did you know the guy? Did you know she was cheating the entire time--and not tell her it was stupid?

I met the guy. I knew she was cheating. I told her she was making a huge mistake and should stop.

She introduced you to him? Wtf? Was he married too? Like--invited him out to drinks with you or were you her 'cover'?

We were at the same party. I found out later that he was the guy.

[Anonymous]

I have been in a similar situation for about a year now, I am obsessed with this married man, I am a boring soccer mom. We are both married with kids and the kids attend the same school. It’s not only how he makes me feel, I also want to learn everything about him, I want to get to know everything about him, farts and all. I just feel so incredibly sad and lonely. I feel such a strong connection to this guy, I have to admit I have no idea how he feels about me, but I sense a connection and strong chemistry. I constantly fantasize about him, and dating him, I am so so attracted to him, I am so giddy around him I can barely speak, it’s embarrassing. I realize that it’s not acceptable and it’s purely a fantasy, I am probably just another generic legging wearing soccer mom to him, but my mind just cannot move on. I keep thinking how I wouldn’t even mind if my husband had a discreet safe affair at this point, I truly wouldn’t care. I just feel so trapped.

[Anonymous]

^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, to answer a question like yours it might be helpful for you to look at the scenario from a different angle.

Specifically, how would you feel if your husband had an affair with a co-worker he clicked with and found attractive? Would you be relieved and feel free to explore something with your crush? Would you be hurt and try to wring every last cent from him in the divorce?

As noted up post, people often think that if they have an affair it will not lead to the end of their marriage. However, most men divorce wives that cheat on them.

[b]My experience here was that my ExDW had a brief affair and thought that if she told me about it I would work harder as a husband to make her happy. Instead, I dumped her as quickly as possible.

My teenage daughter choose to live with my post-divorced and she had to leave her job as her AP was a co-worker. Her AP remained married for years afterward (until another affair blew up) and I remarried someone much better in every way, someone I would not have found without her mistake.

I’m the PP from above and the above bolded is it exactly. In my delusional mind I thought my affair would wake up something in my husband and he’d fight for our relationship and we’d come out of it a stronger couple. I was a complete idiot.

I don't think you were an idiot because that's exactly what happens for a lot of men who have affairs.

What you should have done, and what OP should do, is use the infatuation as a wakeup call to improve things before an affair starts. I'm sorry but I could never stand being married if I felt invisible in the relationship. I wouldn't have an affair, I'd make waves in my marriage. In fact that's what I've done, on a smaller scale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, to answer a question like yours it might be helpful for you to look at the scenario from a different angle.

Specifically, how would you feel if your husband had an affair with a co-worker he clicked with and found attractive? Would you be relieved and feel free to explore something with your crush? Would you be hurt and try to wring every last cent from him in the divorce?

As noted up post, people often think that if they have an affair it will not lead to the end of their marriage. However, most men divorce wives that cheat on them.

[b]My experience here was that my ExDW had a brief affair and thought that if she told me about it I would work harder as a husband to make her happy. Instead, I dumped her as quickly as possible.

My teenage daughter choose to live with my post-divorced and she had to leave her job as her AP was a co-worker. Her AP remained married for years afterward (until another affair blew up) and I remarried someone much better in every way, someone I would not have found without her mistake.

I’m the PP from above and the above bolded is it exactly. In my delusional mind I thought my affair would wake up something in my husband and he’d fight for our relationship and we’d come out of it a stronger couple. I was a complete idiot.

I don't think you were an idiot because that's exactly what happens for a lot of men who have affairs.

What you should have done, and what OP should do, is use the infatuation as a wakeup call to improve things before an affair starts. I'm sorry but I could never stand being married if I felt invisible in the relationship. I wouldn't have an affair, I'd make waves in my marriage. In fact that's what I've done, on a smaller scale.

Maybe it’s a wakeup call to end the marriage, or at least try to open it. You can’t reignite a dead flame, no matter how hard you try. I am ready to form new relationships, I am not looking for flings, but being married I have no freedom. I really feel trapped, as I can’t blow up my family and I do care for my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

I haven’t started anything, I am not even a blip on his radar. It’s all in my head, it’s torture and I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I haven’t felt like this in so long, it’s exhilarating yet it’s also destroying me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

PP I think we are in the same boat. I have a coworker who is my object of lust - like you, all in my head. I married my “best friend”, care about him, and makes me happy but there has never been a real physical spark. Now 20 years later I’m also a legging wearing soccer mom longing for some passion. Then I take a look at my never going away c-section shelf and saggy post-kid chest and it stops my fantasies. I feel like the ship sailed and I’m stuck in mediocrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

I am the PP who cheated, and I am not sure my wife would care that much. As long as no STDs and no embarrassing scandals, she'd be relatively indifferent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

PP I think we are in the same boat. I have a coworker who is my object of lust - like you, all in my head. I married my “best friend”, care about him, and makes me happy but there has never been a real physical spark. Now 20 years later I’m also a legging wearing soccer mom longing for some passion. Then I take a look at my never going away c-section shelf and saggy post-kid chest and it stops my fantasies. I feel like the ship sailed and I’m stuck in mediocrity.

I had a brief fling with a woman like you about 5 years ago. She was from a city an hour away but her best friend was dating my best friend so she'd come through town from time to time. We are both married. We had a couple make out sessions. Then once got carried away and did the deed. I have no idea what her body imperfections are, it was so hot being with someone new and who was equally turned on. I think we went at it for 2 hours and it was a total blur.

I wish everyone could have one last escape like this.