Married and infatuated with coworker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not the PP, but I tend to find picturing someone I'm attracted to taking a dump is an acutely effective turn-off. It works. It is totally gross.

So dumb. So you never wanted to have sex with your husband again after hearing him poop? Ridiculous. If this actually works for you, I'm guessing you're EXTREMELY uptight in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

I haven’t started anything, I am not even a blip on his radar. It’s all in my head, it’s torture and I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I haven’t felt like this in so long, it’s exhilarating yet it’s also destroying me.

Gah! Girl, you have limerence, this guy is nothing, and your marriage is broken.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Finally coming out of it after a year, there were a lot of bad feelings (for me! In my head!) and just now I am straightening myself out.

I think the pandemic broke our brains you guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

Holy crap you're an idiot. OP, the only lesson to take from this PP is don't tell anyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Christ. Your an a-hole? How on earth do you marry someone you never had romantic feelings for ???

My spouse and I were literal fire when we met. It was like a drug I couldn’t be without…and 24 years later that still can come out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Christ. Your an a-hole? How on earth do you marry someone you never had romantic feelings for ???

My spouse and I were literal fire when we met. It was like a drug I couldn’t be without…and 24 years later that still can come out.

+1

What I find pathetic are these people that settled and feeling this for the first time in middle age. And then cheat! Settled for $ or pleasing their parents or checking a box.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Christ. Your an a-hole? How on earth do you marry someone you never had romantic feelings for ???

My spouse and I were literal fire when we met. It was like a drug I couldn’t be without…and 24 years later that still can come out.

+1

What I find pathetic are these people that settled and feeling this for the first time in middle age. And then cheat! Settled for $ or pleasing their parents or checking a box.

You are very lucky for meeting your ‘soulmate’ at just the perfect time in life, if only….do you honestly believe that most people do not settle? Especially one half of a couple settles to some extent. I am mid 40s now, so even if this object of my desire were single and available, I am mid 40s…I didn’t date much before meeting dh, seriously dated about 2 guys. I was in love with one and he wasn’t in love with me. It was just never reciprocal with anyone, ever. My dh brought a steadiness, maturity, loyalty that no other man could provide at that specific time. In hindsight, maybe I should have waited 5-10 more years and dated more, yes, I should have, but hindsight is 20/20, and I now must prioritize my kids and their dear sweet father. My needs and wants can’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Christ. Your an a-hole? How on earth do you marry someone you never had romantic feelings for ???

My spouse and I were literal fire when we met. It was like a drug I couldn’t be without…and 24 years later that still can come out.

The options just weren’t there, I had very few palatable options at that time. My dh was and is a decent human being, I love him but not in the way you love your dh. I didn’t think I would ever need that head over heels love ever again, I thought it was immature and unrealistic. Now, 23 years later I feel like I missed out, big time, I am depressed over never having what you and so many others claim to have with their spouses, I cry over it. I am incredibly fortunate though, I have a supportive and loyal dh who is my best friend and kids who i adore, but i am missing romantic love. It will never be part of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Christ. Your an a-hole? How on earth do you marry someone you never had romantic feelings for ???

My spouse and I were literal fire when we met. It was like a drug I couldn’t be without…and 24 years later that still can come out.

+1

What I find pathetic are these people that settled and feeling this for the first time in middle age. And then cheat! Settled for $ or pleasing their parents or checking a box.

You are very lucky for meeting your ‘soulmate’ at just the perfect time in life, if only….do you honestly believe that most people do not settle? Especially one half of a couple settles to some extent. I am mid 40s now, so even if this object of my desire were single and available, I am mid 40s…I didn’t date much before meeting dh, seriously dated about 2 guys. I was in love with one and he wasn’t in love with me. It was just never reciprocal with anyone, ever. My dh brought a steadiness, maturity, loyalty that no other man could provide at that specific time. In hindsight, maybe I should have waited 5-10 more years and dated more, yes, I should have, but hindsight is 20/20, and I now must prioritize my kids and their dear sweet father. My needs and wants can’t matter.

I would have stayed single if I didn’t meet someone that I had that chemistry with. It drove my mother mad that I didn’t have a serious boyfriend or get married as young as my older sister. Then I waited a long time to start a family. My brother never married and has been very happy. You only have one life to live. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

He is using you. Look up narcissist abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, to answer a question like yours it might be helpful for you to look at the scenario from a different angle.

Specifically, how would you feel if your husband had an affair with a co-worker he clicked with and found attractive? Would you be relieved and feel free to explore something with your crush? Would you be hurt and try to wring every last cent from him in the divorce?

As noted up post, people often think that if they have an affair it will not lead to the end of their marriage. However, most men divorce wives that cheat on them.

[b]My experience here was that my ExDW had a brief affair and thought that if she told me about it I would work harder as a husband to make her happy. Instead, I dumped her as quickly as possible.

My teenage daughter choose to live with my post-divorced and she had to leave her job as her AP was a co-worker. Her AP remained married for years afterward (until another affair blew up) and I remarried someone much better in every way, someone I would not have found without her mistake.

I’m the PP from above and the above bolded is it exactly. In my delusional mind I thought my affair would wake up something in my husband and he’d fight for our relationship and we’d come out of it a stronger couple. I was a complete idiot.

This is why I would divorce a cheater in this case. It would nit be the cheating, but the audacity to put the onus on me to fight for the relationship. That's why I say, you tell me, and I am out. Because those who tell want their spouse to fight for them. I am not fighting for someone who already cheated on me. They have to fight for me.

If they have that mentality, I am out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Christ. Your an a-hole? How on earth do you marry someone you never had romantic feelings for ???

My spouse and I were literal fire when we met. It was like a drug I couldn’t be without…and 24 years later that still can come out.

Yeah I understand that sometimes attraction dies or it’s a slow burn or you developed attraction after getting to know them… but why marry someone you never ever felt romantic attraction for at any point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is using you. Look up narcissist abuse.

Nobody is using anybody here. Op’s limerence isn’t the fault of a friendly coworker

[Anonymous]

PP I think we are in the same boat. I have a coworker who is my object of lust - like you, all in my head. I married my “best friend”, care about him, and makes me happy but there has never been a real physical spark. Now 20 years later I’m also a legging wearing soccer mom longing for some passion. Then I take a look at my never going away c-section shelf and saggy post-kid chest and it stops my fantasies. I feel like the ship sailed and I’m stuck in mediocrity.

I had a brief fling with a woman like you about 5 years ago. She was from a city an hour away but her best friend was dating my best friend so she'd come through town from time to time. We are both married. We had a couple make out sessions. Then once got carried away and did the deed. I have no idea what her body imperfections are, it was so hot being with someone new and who was equally turned on. I think we went at it for 2 hours and it was a total blur.

I wish everyone could have one last escape like this.

We did, with the last person we slept with before being married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Christ. Your an a-hole? How on earth do you marry someone you never had romantic feelings for ???

My spouse and I were literal fire when we met. It was like a drug I couldn’t be without…and 24 years later that still can come out.

The options just weren’t there, I had very few palatable options at that time. My dh was and is a decent human being, I love him but not in the way you love your dh. I didn’t think I would ever need that head over heels love ever again, I thought it was immature and unrealistic. Now, 23 years later I feel like I missed out, big time, I am depressed over never having what you and so many others claim to have with their spouses, I cry over it. I am incredibly fortunate though, I have a supportive and loyal dh who is my best friend and kids who i adore, but i am missing romantic love. It will never be part of my life.

OP, I really feel for you. Really, its brutal being without any romantic love or passion.

If it makes you feel any better, most couples after 2 decades aren't in passionate love. Some are - I am jealous of those! But even people like my spouse and I who had that crazy whirlwind sex 2x a day love when we met 20 years ago settle into something that looks like a good friendship and parental team with occasional so-so sex that is more mechanical than passionate. This is why people have affairs. I am not condoning them, I understand the hurt they cause, but I also get why it's such a powerful draw.

I have no real advice for you. I don't think you are cut out for an affair because your heart would want more than this man will give you. He will be thrilled with the sex part but that's probably all. Is there any way you can role play with your DH and try to harness this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Christ. Your an a-hole? How on earth do you marry someone you never had romantic feelings for ???

My spouse and I were literal fire when we met. It was like a drug I couldn’t be without…and 24 years later that still can come out.

NP, I wish! I loved my husband, was fine. But hadn't ever really felt that FIRE - with him or anybody ... so I didn't understand that what I was feeling - while good (and we are still married) wasn't as much as I could feel. I wasn't on fire, no, for sure.