Married and infatuated with coworker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this situation, and I use it to feel excited, attractive and energized. I bring that energy back to my home and marriage. I work travel with this coworker and we never do anything except work on presentations together in our hotel rooms, go to dinner, and go to cocktails. Fun fun fun, but nothing beyond that. We talk work A LOT.

You work together in hotel rooms and drink together? Are you male or female?

seems like what the ^PP is doing is a recipe for cheating. Too much temptation. Motive and means.

[Anonymous]

I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not the PP, but I tend to find picturing someone I'm attracted to taking a dump is an acutely effective turn-off. It works. It is totally gross.

Same, or things like trying to catch the bartenders attention and not being able to. Lots of unattractive scenarios work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never done this. But I have a new coworker and we just click. In every sense. He makes me feel like I’m 18 again with my first love…. Not the middle age married soccer mom that I am now. I’m deeply infatuated.

My marriage is blah, but DH is a nice guy. Coworker is also married, lives a plane ride away (we travel together sometimes), and while he shows signs of interest we both try hard not to acknowledge it - though I’m the one who holds back. It’s hard because we have to work together and I’m constantly coming up with excuses why I can’t collaborate when the reality is that I can only think of NSFW stuff when he calls and we are supposed to be reviewing spreadsheets…

It’s distracting and I want it to end this feeling and either a) move on with my boring dead marriage existence of driving kids to suburban soccer games or b) just do this already. But, I don’t feel like I can let my guard down because I could be wrong - he could just be nice and I’m interpreting nice as something more.

Any advice from someone who has been there done that?

I’m thinking of getting therapy.

BTDT. I had an identical experience but mine was totally different in that the co-worker I was infatuated with turned out to be someone else who I thought was confusing them with, but wasn't. But once I figured that out, I couldn't believe that not only were we not coworkers, we weren’t even employed by the same company . In the end it got pretty crazy, but we made it through. Although the whole time people said we should come clean and be honest with our employers, yeah right, neither of them would even acknowledge us or admit that neither of us was employed by them, or any of their so-called competitors. It was too easy for them to just “follow a protocol.” But it all worked out in the middle and it was pretty funny that we had the same first initials but different last names. And vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Come on OP, tell us about your dad. How many men has your mom paraded through your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

With all due respect, you were completely insane to tell your DH.

[Anonymous]

Op here - no daddy issues I think. I’ve only been with my husband for almost 20 years. This is the first time this has happened to me since before marriage.

Thinking you are right that it’s the feeling and not the person. And I am doing everything I can to avoid him (which is also starting to look suspect).

Weirdly this tough thread is kind of working - so
Keep up with the worst case scenarios…maybe something will stick.
- boring soccer mom…

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who did this. It has blown up her life, her now ex-husband’s life, and, worst of all, the kids are so upset and angry. They had a nice, stable family life and it is just gone. So much collateral damage. And the guy she had an affair with is gross. Her ex-husband is a great guy. It is mind boggling to me. So much self-destruction.

[Anonymous]

OP, to answer a question like yours it might be helpful for you to look at the scenario from a different angle.

Specifically, how would you feel if your husband had an affair with a co-worker he clicked with and found attractive? Would you be relieved and feel free to explore something with your crush? Would you be hurt and try to wring every last cent from him in the divorce?

As noted up post, people often think that if they have an affair it will not lead to the end of their marriage. However, most men divorce wives that cheat on them.

My experience here was that my ExDW had a brief affair and thought that if she told me about it I would work harder as a husband to make her happy. Instead, I dumped her as quickly as possible.

My teenage daughter choose to live with my post-divorced and she had to leave her job as her AP was a co-worker. Her AP remained married for years afterward (until another affair blew up) and I remarried someone much better in every way, someone I would not have found without her mistake.

[Anonymous]

I have this situation come up from time to time. My advice is don't be alone with him with alcohol involved. I would be a small fortune if you gave him the green light he would be down for sex. Most married men are sexually neglected and lonely.

Just enjoy the fantasy. It will fade

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, to answer a question like yours it might be helpful for you to look at the scenario from a different angle.

Specifically, how would you feel if your husband had an affair with a co-worker he clicked with and found attractive? Would you be relieved and feel free to explore something with your crush? Would you be hurt and try to wring every last cent from him in the divorce?

As noted up post, people often think that if they have an affair it will not lead to the end of their marriage. However, most men divorce wives that cheat on them.

[b]My experience here was that my ExDW had a brief affair and thought that if she told me about it I would work harder as a husband to make her happy. Instead, I dumped her as quickly as possible.

My teenage daughter choose to live with my post-divorced and she had to leave her job as her AP was a co-worker. Her AP remained married for years afterward (until another affair blew up) and I remarried someone much better in every way, someone I would not have found without her mistake.

I’m the PP from above and the above bolded is it exactly. In my delusional mind I thought my affair would wake up something in my husband and he’d fight for our relationship and we’d come out of it a stronger couple. I was a complete idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who did this. It has blown up her life, her now ex-husband’s life, and, worst of all, the kids are so upset and angry. They had a nice, stable family life and it is just gone. So much collateral damage. And the guy she had an affair with is gross. Her ex-husband is a great guy. It is mind boggling to me. So much self-destruction.

Did you know the guy? Did you know she was cheating the entire time--and not tell her it was stupid?

[Anonymous]

Ask him about his wife. Find out more about her. Ask to meet her in person, maybe with your spouse if you are in town. Try to genuinely get to know her. You will realize any guy who would cheat on a person you know is gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who did this. It has blown up her life, her now ex-husband’s life, and, worst of all, the kids are so upset and angry. They had a nice, stable family life and it is just gone. So much collateral damage. And the guy she had an affair with is gross. Her ex-husband is a great guy. It is mind boggling to me. So much self-destruction.

Did you know the guy? Did you know she was cheating the entire time--and not tell her it was stupid?

I met the guy. I knew she was cheating. I told her she was making a huge mistake and should stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who did this. It has blown up her life, her now ex-husband’s life, and, worst of all, the kids are so upset and angry. They had a nice, stable family life and it is just gone. So much collateral damage. And the guy she had an affair with is gross. Her ex-husband is a great guy. It is mind boggling to me. So much self-destruction.

Did you know the guy? Did you know she was cheating the entire time--and not tell her it was stupid?

I met the guy. I knew she was cheating. I told her she was making a huge mistake and should stop.

She introduced you to him? Wtf? Was he married too? Like--invited him out to drinks with you or were you her 'cover'?