When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

I am sure that's true. I think the problem with pulling your kids into parents drama is that sometimes one partner is neglected and while cheating shouldn't happen, it's more understandable if one was abandoned. Which is why I wouldnt think it wise to make your kid your therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is telling children age appropriately, the facts about why their family is no longer together “bad mouthing?”

It depends. Sometimes we don't tell everyone all of our truths, you know? There is a line between "need to know" and "bad mouthing gossip." I think with kids there comes a time when they need to know, but until then, it could be seen as gratuitous badmouthing, even if true. If you do that, then the kid disrespects both of you in the end. Knowledge like this is a huge emotional burden, so you need to be careful about where and when you choose to rest that burden. Often you come up against a bad situation where you have to decide which is worse -- telling them or letting them go through life unaware of the huge gap in information they have been living under? You also have to ask yourself for whose benefit are you telling them? If yours, probably don't tell yet. If theirs or mostly theirs, then it is probably time.

Be aware when you do tell that a very normal human reaction to this is to reflect back on the period of time when they did not know and view their whole life in that period as a "lie," blaming everyone who knew but didn't tell them. They may feel guilt or anger about things they said or did during that period (both good and bad) that they feel they would not have done had they known. Kids of divorce are constantly placed in situations, some big and thousands of little ones, where they are making mom v. dad decisions, even if only in their heads -- a big gap in information when these decisions are made can have emotional repercussions.

You just described exactly what happens to a betrayed spouse when they find out. They question every single thing and wonder what was real. It’s so brutally awful. They also planned a future and chartered a course they wouldn’t have if they had known the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume my kids will eventually find out that I cheated, but then they will also learn more details about how for decades before that their dad abused me. Right now we both keep both quiet and coparent well. I wish I didn’t make the mistake of cheating but also was too broken of a human from his abuse. I would be glad to admit to my kids all I learned in hopes of helping them avoid mistakes I made. Life isn’t linear and sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn and grow. Teaching your kids that everything is black and white is doing them the biggest disservice of all.

The problem with this approach is that because you didn’t tell them the truth about the cheating, they are unlikely to believe the truth about the abuse. Unless he is abusing them too, in which case they might understand more. People believe truths that are in front of them, and they tend to believe people who have a history of being truthful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Dad cheated because mom refused to have sex with him.

So the only solution is to cheat? How about dad working on improving the marriage?

Why didn’t dad get a divorce first? He could have told his wife their lack of sex was unacceptable, and he would be filling for divorce.

I stopped having sex with my spouse because he was cheating. His answer was to cheat more, with random men and women (thus exposing me to stis and stds from random strangers who find anonymous sex partners online‼️)

Then blame me because I “wouldn’t have sex with him.”

If any of you find messages on your husband’s open email he’s meeting other men for anal sex in secret and you get incredibly turned on, go for it. Just know MSM (men who have sex with men) have incredibly high hiv and aids rates.

He’s still running around telling anyone who will listen I stopped having sex with him.

Ugh. Awful. And a lot of women get turned off when they’re husband has been a critical emotionally abusive a-hole. So which came first- his behavior or the growing coldness from that behavior? They will charm outside the home while being complete d@ck heads to their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume my kids will eventually find out that I cheated, but then they will also learn more details about how for decades before that their dad abused me. Right now we both keep both quiet and coparent well. I wish I didn’t make the mistake of cheating but also was too broken of a human from his abuse. I would be glad to admit to my kids all I learned in hopes of helping them avoid mistakes I made. Life isn’t linear and sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn and grow. Teaching your kids that everything is black and white is doing them the biggest disservice of all.

The problem with this approach is that because you didn’t tell them the truth about the cheating, they are unlikely to believe the truth about the abuse. Unless he is abusing them too, in which case they might understand more. People believe truths that are in front of them, and they tend to believe people who have a history of being truthful.

Most of the time the abused wife is the betrayed spouse, suffering in silence. She’s not the one going out and cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

DP.

It does not take away from pp's point. It takes two to tango, and cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do to you. (For example, anyone who thinks cheating is worse rhan physical abuse is sick in the head).

The cheater has fingers to point to: Mom chose to marry a broken man, so she still gets that part of the blame; Mom never treated dad with respect; Dad never helped around the house. And so on and so forth. When you start blaming each other, it never ends.

My parents played this blame game as adults( even though they never divorced). They both sounded pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told me everything and put me in the middle and it was horrible. They divorced when I was an adult and it ruined my relationship with both of them and I basically lost my parents the day I was told. And, I always suspected it but mom was in denial.

How did it make you loose your relationship with your mom?

All the drama, her expecting me to fix stuff even though she would not listen to me and kept taking him back. When she finally had it, she started dating a man and the focus is on his kids and grandkids. She will fly to watch his grandkids so parents can travel and will not watch my kid for even an hour in an emergency. At best she sees my kids a few times a year and we live 10 minutes away. She will fly to see their events but not go to my kids. She completely checked out of my life and knows nothing nor cares.

Sorry she did that to you; truly awful. That goes way beyond the topic of the post, which his simply whether or not to tell about the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

DP.

It does not take away from pp's point. It takes two to tango, and cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do to you. (For example, anyone who thinks cheating is worse rhan physical abuse is sick in the head).

The cheater has fingers to point to: Mom chose to marry a broken man, so she still gets that part of the blame; Mom never treated dad with respect; Dad never helped around the house. And so on and so forth. When you start blaming each other, it never ends.

My parents played this blame game as adults( even though they never divorced). They both sounded pathetic.



[/quote
When you get a lifelong StI that you have to be medicated for or it will kill you…and now nobody will date or have sex with you…. That’s a pretty huge consequence of a cheating spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume my kids will eventually find out that I cheated, but then they will also learn more details about how for decades before that their dad abused me. Right now we both keep both quiet and coparent well. I wish I didn’t make the mistake of cheating but also was too broken of a human from his abuse. I would be glad to admit to my kids all I learned in hopes of helping them avoid mistakes I made. Life isn’t linear and sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn and grow. Teaching your kids that everything is black and white is doing them the biggest disservice of all.

The problem with this approach is that because you didn’t tell them the truth about the cheating, they are unlikely to believe the truth about the abuse. Unless he is abusing them too, in which case they might understand more. People believe truths that are in front of them, and they tend to believe people who have a history of being truthful.

Most of the time the abused wife is the betrayed spouse, suffering in silence. She’s not the one going out and cheating.

Yeah, it’s definitely the more unusual pattern to have the abused be the cheater, which makes it even less likely the PPs kids will eventually believe here when they find out.

[Anonymous]

One parent loves the kids more than themselves. It’s not the one that cheated.

That parent will carry the emotional burden and the fallout from it so that they can protect their sons from repeating the pattern of their father and future generations. The emotional damage from learning your parent was a cheater has generational and huge emotional consequences.

I will protect my kids with my life and, unfortunately, that included biting my tongue about his affair.

Unfortunately, that time I was checked out and emotionally wrought from the news and he got to appear like the devoted, fun one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

DP.

It does not take away from pp's point. It takes two to tango, and cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do to you. (For example, anyone who thinks cheating is worse rhan physical abuse is sick in the head).

The cheater has fingers to point to: Mom chose to marry a broken man, so she still gets that part of the blame; Mom never treated dad with respect; Dad never helped around the house. And so on and so forth. When you start blaming each other, it never ends.

My parents played this blame game as adults( even though they never divorced). They both sounded pathetic.

When you get a lifelong StI that you have to be medicated for or it will kill you…and now nobody will date or have sex with you…. That’s a pretty huge consequence of a cheating spouse.

Cheating is abuse.

[Anonymous]

The thing to remember is that divorce for ANY reason is hard on children, forever. Do you think that if parents split for reasons other than adultery, step-parents and blended families are smooth sailing? My mother is 80 and she and her sibling still complain about her deceased step-mother (and her children inheriting everything).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Dad cheated because mom refused to have sex with him.

So the only solution is to cheat? How about dad working on improving the marriage?

Why didn’t dad get a divorce first? He could have told his wife their lack of sex was unacceptable, and he would be filling for divorce.

I stopped having sex with my spouse because he was cheating. His answer was to cheat more, with random men and women (thus exposing me to stis and stds from random strangers who find anonymous sex partners online‼️)

Then blame me because I “wouldn’t have sex with him.”

If any of you find messages on your husband’s open email he’s meeting other men for anal sex in secret and you get incredibly turned on, go for it. Just know MSM (men who have sex with men) have incredibly high hiv and aids rates.

He’s still running around telling anyone who will listen I stopped having sex with him.

Ugh. Awful. And a lot of women get turned off when they’re husband has been a critical emotionally abusive a-hole. So which came first- his behavior or the growing coldness from that behavior? They will charm outside the home while being complete d@ck heads to their spouses.

He was and still is a nice guy to people outside of his family. He likes to be admired and thought of as a great guy. Total jerk who cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first child, because I couldn’t have the kind of sex he desired while I was heavily pregnant. He tried to have sex with me 2 weeks postpartum and I tried but had to stop him because of the physical pain. And he is so mad I didn’t have sex with him after my colon cancer diagnosis and ensuing 6 months of brutal chemo. He continues to play the victim at every turn and we are completely divorced.

I think a lot of older men tell people that their wife denied them sex because their married sex life bored them, and they needed something to justify their cheating behavior. They want a new partner, or several new partners, and good old mom gets thrown under the bus because she’s no longer a sex bunny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One parent loves the kids more than themselves. It’s not the one that cheated.

That parent will carry the emotional burden and the fallout from it so that they can protect their sons from repeating the pattern of their father and future generations. The emotional damage from learning your parent was a cheater has generational and huge emotional consequences.

I will protect my kids with my life and, unfortunately, that included biting my tongue about his affair.

Unfortunately, that time I was checked out and emotionally wrought from the news and he got to appear like the devoted, fun one.

They will find out on their own some day, and the impact of that will be worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One parent loves the kids more than themselves. It’s not the one that cheated.

That parent will carry the emotional burden and the fallout from it so that they can protect their sons from repeating the pattern of their father and future generations. The emotional damage from learning your parent was a cheater has generational and huge emotional consequences.

I will protect my kids with my life and, unfortunately, that included biting my tongue about his affair.

Unfortunately, that time I was checked out and emotionally wrought from the news and he got to appear like the devoted, fun one.

They will find out on their own some day, and the impact of that will be worse.

Nah. If they reconciled and parents went on to have a happy marriage, it’s highly unlikely. Most people that reconcile tell nobody except a therapist. You tell one other person and the chance they keep it to themselves is almost zero.

People take this stuff to the grave.

The one person I know whose father confessed when they were middle aged were well adjusted and proud that their parents stuck it out and they had a happy family life.