When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The when is when you are no longer irrationally angry. And when it actually makes sense to have the discussion - not just that you randomly bluet it out.

I have a friend dealing with the fall out of this now. She caught her husband with the other woman. Later that night when the husband returned home she started yelling at the husband and her teenage daughter entered the room. Friend told the daughter to leave the room because mom just found out that dad was cheating with some whore. Not surprising that mom decided to stay with dad and 1 year later the daughter is still struggling and angry at both parents. Grades and behavior have tanked.

Dads fault. No sane person could not confront him with anger when she caught him f@cking someone else. It’s dad’s fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The when is when you are no longer irrationally angry. And when it actually makes sense to have the discussion - not just that you randomly bluet it out.

I have a friend dealing with the fall out of this now. She caught her husband with the other woman. Later that night when the husband returned home she started yelling at the husband and her teenage daughter entered the room. Friend told the daughter to leave the room because mom just found out that dad was cheating with some whore. Not surprising that mom decided to stay with dad and 1 year later the daughter is still struggling and angry at both parents. Grades and behavior have tanked.

Dads fault. No sane person could not confront him with anger when she caught him f@cking someone else. It’s dad’s fault.

Dad is a cheater. But mom is absolutely wrong for telling the daughter in that moment. You’re an adult. You don’t get to take your feelings out on your innocent children. There is absolutely zero excuse.

[Anonymous]

My DH is the child of a man whose cheating caused the divorce and he is strongly in favor of kids knowing the truth quickly. It was incredibly devastating for him, at age 13, to learn the truth of what happened in a crowded school cafeteria from a middle school classmate who overheard his parents talking. The fact is, cheating almost never happens in a vacuum. People know. And the kids will find out, and it is really awful for them to hear from someone other than their parents.

[Anonymous]

Why would you unload your shitty marriage baggage on your kids? The divorce itself is hard enough. Kids don’t need the details regarding their parents dysfunction.

It’s a transparent effort to try and curry favor and be the good and blameless one in a divorce. It also almost never works. Kids don’t want to hear one parent trash the other even if it’s accurate.

[Anonymous]

Correctly and accurately conveying the actions of one parent is not “trashing” that parent, unless of course that parent was behaving in an objectively trashy, immoral, and reprehensible way. Again… if your kids knowing about your behavior is likely to cause them emotional anguish, maybe think before you do things that will harm them. It isn’t difficult.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t been in this situation yet but there is no way I could give the “we just grew apart, we decided to separate” talk if I was being cheated on and left for someone else. At a minimum I would have to say “Dad has decided he does not want to be married to me any more.” I’m not taking the bullet of breaking up the family when I had nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you unload your shitty marriage baggage on your kids? The divorce itself is hard enough. Kids don’t need the details regarding their parents dysfunction.

It’s a transparent effort to try and curry favor and be the good and blameless one in a divorce. It also almost never works. Kids don’t want to hear one parent trash the other even if it’s accurate.

It’s important to know if *you* might be prone to cheating or have weird hang-ups about behaviors based on the family dynamics you grew up with. It’s the same thing as lying about mental health. People need to know their family history so they can understand themselves.

[Anonymous]

As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

[Anonymous]

I think I was 7? Maybe my parents shouldn’t have told me, but I feel like I would have figured it out, considering my dad had a girlfriend the second after my parents split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is the child of a man whose cheating caused the divorce and he is strongly in favor of kids knowing the truth quickly. It was incredibly devastating for him, at age 13, to learn the truth of what happened in a crowded school cafeteria from a middle school classmate who overheard his parents talking. The fact is, cheating almost never happens in a vacuum. People know. And the kids will find out, and it is really awful for them to hear from someone other than their parents.

You are right. And what your DH experienced is just horrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you unload your shitty marriage baggage on your kids? The divorce itself is hard enough. Kids don’t need the details regarding their parents dysfunction.

It’s a transparent effort to try and curry favor and be the good and blameless one in a divorce. It also almost never works. Kids don’t want to hear one parent trash the other even if it’s accurate.

It is better for the kids to know there was a good reason for the divorce.
Kids tend to internalize and think it was their fault

[Anonymous]

People experience or hear about a parent telling their child in either an emotion dump or as a way to trash the other parent, and then seem to assume the problem is sharing the issue with the child. It’s not. Everything in a divorce should be done in the best interests of a child. Dumping emotional baggage or getting your child in the middle of a messy divorce is wrong, no matter the topic. Keeping relevant secrets from a child who is emotionally mature enough to handle the topic is wrong too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any experience with this, but I don’t see why women need to protect their shitty husbands’ reputations, even for the sake of the kids. There are age-appropriate and unemotional ways to tell them.

Agree. Lying, covering up, showing weak boundaries...I don't find that useful to do to children in these situations. I've had friends use the Chumplady method for younger children. "When two people get married, they make a promise to only be married to each other and not have other boy/girlfriends. Mommy/daddy chose to have a boy/girlfriend, and I am not ok with that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any experience with this, but I don’t see why women need to protect their shitty husbands’ reputations, even for the sake of the kids. There are age-appropriate and unemotional ways to tell them.

Agree. Lying, covering up, showing weak boundaries...I don't find that useful to do to children in these situations. I've had friends use the Chumplady method for younger children. "When two people get married, they make a promise to only be married to each other and not have other boy/girlfriends. Mommy/daddy chose to have a boy/girlfriend, and I am not ok with that."

+1

Adultery /infidelity is abuse. It’s having an open marriage on one side of the marriage, without consent. Man or woman, husband or wife, it’s wrong. The cheater should not be protected. Gory and explicit details are not necessary. Lying to children about this very important aspect of their lives just pushes the trauma and pain and hurt further down the road.

It’s not “grown people issues.” It’s the children’s lives and family too, and their family is the most important thing in the world to children. Liars, deceivers, betrayers, liars of omission: congrats for hurting your kids and creating another layer of trauma on your innocent kids. Can’t even own up to what you’ve done, gotta continue to hide your crap. The reason you hide your crap is because you know it’s wrong, and don’t want to admit it under the guise of “it will hurt the CHILDREN!!!” Why not just not hurt your kids in the first place by responsibly getting divorced before you start shacking up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom told me everything and put me in the middle and it was horrible. They divorced when I was an adult and it ruined my relationship with both of them and I basically lost my parents the day I was told. And, I always suspected it but mom was in denial.

Yes, this. I had the same experience. Mom tried to triangulate me to her side when dad cheating and left with AP. I spent years having nothing to do with either of them and my wedding was a nightmare because she doesn't like being in the same room as her.

I actually have a better relationship with Dad although his AP now wife is a ch so I don't see him much either.