When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

About the same age as when you tell them the marriage ended because their mom committed adultery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the above posters. First of all, do not gaslight your children with some generic excuse about how you just grew apart or it’s an adult issue. They will find out. They always find out. And when they realize you, other family members, and goodness knows how many others also knew and kept it a secret, they have serious trust issues as a result. Do not do this to your children.

That said, it’s important to tell them an age appropriate truth that allows them to still feel ok having a living relationship with BOTH parents.

My kids were young elementary when it happened to us, and we just told them that mommy and daddy were divorcing because marriage is like playing a game of tag…. It takes two people, and you both have to want to play. If either person decides to stop playing, the game has to end whether you like it or not. That was a metaphor that they could understand at that point in their lives, and it didn’t pin blame on anyone at that moment.

A few years later, when my ex introduced the. To his affair partner, my older son remembered meeting her before when we would go to her house as a family or see them at work events… he just knew her then as daddy’s secretary. When his dad introduced her as his girlfriend, he started asking a lot more questions and it was clear he was putting two and two together. I answered his questions honestly, and explained that his dad is a good person and that sometimes good people make bad choices. That seemed to work well for several more years, until his dad moved in with her and her much younger children and went hard core on the blended family thing…. All the kids in the same custody schedule, bought a giant van so they’d always travel together as one huge family, etc.

Something about that just did not sit well with my oldest, and he rebelled and refuses to spend any time at his dad’s now, and he’s old enough that a court wouldn’t force him. It’s actually really sad to see. It didn’t have to be that way, either. I won’t go too far into the details, but he confronted his dad and asked him if he was sorry for cheating, and if he knew it was the wrong thing to do. His dad literally could not acknowledge either thing.

This isn’t a case of me trying to alienate him, either. We coparenting very well together, attend the kids concerts and conferences together, the former in-laws still come and stay with me when they are in town, etc. There is no trash talking of the other parent around the kids, no fighting, nothing like that.

I know this goes beyond your original question about what to tell the kids about an affair…. I guess my point is that the affair WILL have an impact on them. There is no way to stop that. You can delay it, but that can backfire as others have said. You can be complicit in the cover up, but that just makes your kids eventually feel betrayed by you, too.

The best thing to do is acknowledge the elephant in the room, and do it in an honest and healthy way so as to try to help them navigate the mess that they were thrust into. There will be ugly moments…. But again, the kids do not get hurt because they learned an affair happened. They are hurt the moment one parent decides to cheat. The rest is just timing.

And I think the main reason for this breakup with dad is that dad didn't have the guts to talk honestly to his children. He didn't apologize, didn't say how sorry he was for breaking their family and upending their lives. He just threw them into a completely new family arrangement with lots of lies behind it. Your kid is smart and it was not enough for him!

This is exactly what's happening with my exH: he never acknowledged his affair was the reason for divorce and it's been over 2 years but he still cannot introduce the AP to our son. Because what would he tell: yes, I lied that your mom was crazy? That I was in fact in the wrong here?

Cheaters are inherently selfish and they will never recognize their own mistakes. This is what pushes grown up kids from them, or grown up kids use them as pay checks

[Anonymous]

I was 16 when I found out that my mom was the cause of my parents’ divorce. My dad got custody of me at the age of 10 and NEVER said a bad word about my mother. I was acting out and blamed him for our family being apart; he just told me to ask my maternal grandmother😳.
As I got older, I can see that she was not a good mother. Always leaving ALL of her children (different fathers) with my grandmother to go live with her boyfriend of the moment.

I have so much respect for my dad. Unfortunately, I’m 99.9% sure that I would bad mouth my DH.

[Anonymous]

Is telling children age appropriately, the facts about why their family is no longer together “bad mouthing?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 16 when I found out that my mom was the cause of my parents’ divorce. My dad got custody of me at the age of 10 and NEVER said a bad word about my mother. I was acting out and blamed him for our family being apart; he just told me to ask my maternal grandmother😳.
As I got older, I can see that she was not a good mother. Always leaving ALL of her children (different fathers) with my grandmother to go live with her boyfriend of the moment.

I have so much respect for my dad. Unfortunately, I’m 99.9% sure that I would bad mouth my DH.

PP⬆️ On my wedding day. My mom sat me down and begged that I don’t make the same mistakes that she did. I’ve been married for 30 years and counting😉

[Anonymous]

What about their mom's affair?

[Anonymous]

My parents got divorced because my dad cheated. My mom never told us. Eventually when I was in my 20s, my grandparents and aunt told us more. It wouldn't have mattered if my mom had told us, because she hated him with an incandescent rage that never subsided (she still hates him 50 years later) and she did everything else to turn us against him and make us think he was the worst human being in the world.

If you're telling the kids as part of a campaign to make them hate him and be on your side, don't do that. Also, don't do anything else to make them hate him. They have a right, and a need, to have a good relationship with their dad even if you hate him.

[Anonymous]

My kids are still in diapers and I will never tell. If they figure it out when they grow up so be it but I won't be the one to shatter their world.

[Anonymous]

My DH was young when his parents divorced. His mom did a lot of the raising of the children, his dad wasn't very involved. He was an adult when he found out his mom divorced because his father had a child with his affair partner. He was able to rebuild his relationship with his father but it is complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is telling children age appropriately, the facts about why their family is no longer together “bad mouthing?”

No. You say it matter if factly, answer any questions anytime, all get therapy if needed, move on/

You say:
XYZ was an alcoholic, the relationship ended

ABC wouldn’t manage their mental disorders, the relationship ended

MNB was not faithful, the relationship ended.

qWE has abusive tendencies, the relationship ended.

POI was a work addict, the relationship ended.

Feel free to add: I didn’t see a reason to stay in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are still in diapers and I will never tell. If they figure it out when they grow up so be it but I won't be the one to shatter their world.

Lol. They’ll assume something bad happened. Esp if they ever get married and have kids themselves. Something bad has to have happened to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. And my husbands ex cheated, left with her AP and refused to let dad be anything more than a child support check. They have no idea nor do they need to know as adults.

Fascinating storyline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. And my husbands ex cheated, left with her AP and refused to let dad be anything more than a child support check. They have no idea nor do they need to know as adults.

But she left with AP, she didn't force the AP into her kids' life. It was easy in this situation not to tell or explain vs a "blended" family where the new wive is pregnant, husband cheated, no money, kids from exW are made baby sitters etc.

She took the kids cross country when dad was at work and he had no idea. The kids were told to call the AP dad. Yes, she forced him into the kids lives and took away their dad at the same time. She also abused the AP kids and child welfare stepped in and sent the kids to mom. The AP never paid his child support either. Interesting how moms always get a free pass. She is still with the AP many years later and my husband has to pay life long alimony even though they were mailed nine years.

She should be honest with the kids. Instead she made up lies about dad and ex wife to justify her behavior. AP kids lived in poverty and we helped out the mom and kids on multiple occasions as no kids should go without food and clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told me everything and put me in the middle and it was horrible. They divorced when I was an adult and it ruined my relationship with both of them and I basically lost my parents the day I was told. And, I always suspected it but mom was in denial.

How did it make you loose your relationship with your mom?

All the drama, her expecting me to fix stuff even though she would not listen to me and kept taking him back. When she finally had it, she started dating a man and the focus is on his kids and grandkids. She will fly to watch his grandkids so parents can travel and will not watch my kid for even an hour in an emergency. At best she sees my kids a few times a year and we live 10 minutes away. She will fly to see their events but not go to my kids. She completely checked out of my life and knows nothing nor cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think age 25 or so is good, but again, ask yourself for whose benefit are you keeping the secret. Adult convenience and avoiding difficult conversations is not a good enough reason, nor is manipulating the child into accepting a person they would otherwise choose not to accept. It's unfair, and personally I'd rather have just one parent be a liar rather than both of them.

+1,000
It’s so unfair to the betrayed. An honest person where lying goes against their nature, now forced to lie to protect their kids so they suffer in silence. Hid forbid the cheaters secret gets out to friends and family.