When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And when they start treating their spouse badly or themselves?

I have no idea how this is relevant to the conversation. Are you saying that cheating is genetic and they need to be informed of it like they would a predisposition to alcohol? Because THAT is cray cray.

There are studies that show there is a genetic link.

People who are unfaithful to their partner may be genetically predisposed that way. Certain genes linked to sensation-seeking behaviors have been identified by researchers from State University of New York in Binghamton. Their findings are published in the scientific journal PLoS ONE (Public Library of Science) (real science article).

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20101201/is-infidelity-genetic

Most cheaters I know do have accompanying other issues: impulse control, risk-taking behavior, or alcohol problems, etc. And, of course, bipolar and narcissism also play into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And when they start treating their spouse badly or themselves?

I have no idea how this is relevant to the conversation. Are you saying that cheating is genetic and they need to be informed of it like they would a predisposition to alcohol? Because THAT is cray cray.

But it is genetically related and also situational. Learned behavior. All behavior is and if we don't understand it, we will inadvertently make decisions that will lead us along the same path. Some articles.

https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/scientists-suspect-genetic-underpinnings-to-human-monogamy/

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/10/is-polyamory-a-choice.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2014/09/25/the-evidence-of-polygamy-is-in-our-genes/

https://psiloveyou.xyz/the-monogamy-gene-df641c2e09a0

https://medium.com/prismnpen/in-defense-of-polyamory-31359d0448fa

+1

it often spans generations in families. So is it learned or is there a genetic link? I think it's a bit of both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And when they start treating their spouse badly or themselves?

I have no idea how this is relevant to the conversation. Are you saying that cheating is genetic and they need to be informed of it like they would a predisposition to alcohol? Because THAT is cray cray.

There are studies that show there is a genetic link.

People who are unfaithful to their partner may be genetically predisposed that way. Certain genes linked to sensation-seeking behaviors have been identified by researchers from State University of New York in Binghamton. Their findings are published in the scientific journal PLoS ONE (Public Library of Science) (real science article).

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20101201/is-infidelity-genetic

Most cheaters I know do have accompanying other issues: impulse control, risk-taking behavior, or alcohol problems, etc. And, of course, bipolar and narcissism also play into it.

Meh. You can be "genetically predisposed" to a lot of things, but still have the self-control to overcome those predispositions.

[Anonymous]

Never

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you unload your shitty marriage baggage on your kids? The divorce itself is hard enough. Kids don’t need the details regarding their parents dysfunction.

It’s a transparent effort to try and curry favor and be the good and blameless one in a divorce. It also almost never works. Kids don’t want to hear one parent trash the other even if it’s accurate.

It is better for the kids to know there was a good reason for the divorce.
Kids tend to internalize and think it was their fault

That is BS. There are plenty of reasons for divorce besides adultery.

Parents can make sure kids know it has nothing to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Correctly and accurately conveying the actions of one parent is not “trashing” that parent, unless of course that parent was behaving in an objectively trashy, immoral, and reprehensible way. Again… if your kids knowing about your behavior is likely to cause them emotional anguish, maybe think before you do things that will harm them. It isn’t difficult.

Absolutely it is trashing another parent (not a cheater).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never

+1. It may make dad the villain but it was also make you a pathetic loser incapable of parenting properly. They’ll also start to realize what a terrible wife you were when they reach 30-40 years of age and start to feel sympathy towards their dad.

[Anonymous]

Mature, responsible, healthy parenting doesn’t involve sharing intimate secrets about your relationship with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never

+1. It may make dad the villain but it was also make you a pathetic loser incapable of parenting properly. They’ll also start to realize what a terrible wife you were when they reach 30-40 years of age and start to feel sympathy towards their dad.

LOL says the cheater. Stop trying to gaslight your XW, your kids, and everyone on this board. You are the loser and the sole reason for your divorce.
Truth is always the best. Kids (teen and above) get very angry and hurt when they feel like parents are lying to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never

+1. It may make dad the villain but it was also make you a pathetic loser incapable of parenting properly. They’ll also start to realize what a terrible wife you were when they reach 30-40 years of age and start to feel sympathy towards their dad.

That is harsh but somewhat true for me at well. My mother would always bring up my father cheating when we were kids/teens (your cheating SOB father). It actually made me sympathetic toward him because she just couldn’t be an adult about it and keep her thoughts and feelings about him to herself.

While in her mind, the cheating was the reason for their divorce, it is clear to me as an adult she is deranged and my father just couldn’t take it. The divorce was inevitable, cheating had little to do with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never

+1. It may make dad the villain but it was also make you a pathetic loser incapable of parenting properly. They’ll also start to realize what a terrible wife you were when they reach 30-40 years of age and start to feel sympathy towards their dad.

LOL says the cheater. Stop trying to gaslight your XW, your kids, and everyone on this board. You are the loser and the sole reason for your divorce.
Truth is always the best. Kids (teen and above) get very angry and hurt when they feel like parents are lying to them.

Not that poster but you are wrong. This is not kid’s business. No, also not a cheater. I don’t believe in burdening children with adult problems or interfering with a parental relationship regardless of the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never

+1. It may make dad the villain but it was also make you a pathetic loser incapable of parenting properly. They’ll also start to realize what a terrible wife you were when they reach 30-40 years of age and start to feel sympathy towards their dad.

That is harsh but somewhat true for me at well. My mother would always bring up my father cheating when we were kids/teens (your cheating SOB father). It actually made me sympathetic toward him because she just couldn’t be an adult about it and keep her thoughts and feelings about him to herself.

While in her mind, the cheating was the reason for their divorce, it is clear to me as an adult she is deranged and my father just couldn’t take it. The divorce was inevitable, cheating had little to do with it

This. A good parent does not burden their children with this. That is parentification and it is abusive. That is worse than someone cheating. That is between adults. You don’t put kids in the middle of your marriage or divorce. period. And stop calling people cheaters for thinking like this…we are not. We simply know that if it happened we would put kids first no matter what. Stop acting like cheating is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage…far from it. Regardless…adult martial or divorce problems should stay between the parents: it is not fair to put adult problems onto kids.

[Anonymous]

I mean, unless the kids aren’t terribly bright, they are more than likely going to figure it out on their own.
And they will form their own opinions, depending on how they have been taught about morals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, unless the kids aren’t terribly bright, they are more than likely going to figure it out on their own.
And they will form their own opinions, depending on how they have been taught about morals.

According to research, most affairs are never even discovered

[Anonymous]

Kids who want to can figure it out for themselves as they get older.

Telling them is destructive and parettifying.