When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

This is the PP and I agree- it was a really rough few years. But I needed that time to deal with it and grow and move forward. We did tell the kids we grew apart and they were confused and they didn’t understand initially. Neither of us ever strayed from that story because it was a complicated situation and they’re kids. And cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum and there were issues that contributed to it on both sides- complacency with our relationship, taking each other for granted, a loss of respect due to each other’s actions (or more accurately inactions). We let the marriage die. We spent the kids early years totally focused on them, our jobs, the house, the pets and the chores. Our relationship came last. The cheating was a byproduct of that. I don’t condone the actions but having had time to reflect and heal I definitely see the role I played in how our marriage ended. And I can’t with 100% certainty sit here and say that if I wasn’t given a similar opportunity at the time (an attractive person showing me the kind of interest I hadn’t received from my spouse in years, noticing things about me, listening to me and actually paying attention to me as a woman) that I wouldn't have been excited by the attention. Who knows? I’ve had a lot of years to contemplate this and analyze it. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it hadn’t happened to me. And I sure wasn’t going to spend the rest of my time on this earth being a bitter, miserable, angry person. But I go back to my original opinion- there is no good reason for the kids to know about the cheating.

There is about one sentence here about Kids and nothing about their involvement, their ages, their lives and the rest all about you and your relationship. Who cares. This is about telling kids. You keep expecting your story to be everyone’s cheating story and it just isn’t. It comes across as narcissistic. First off cheating actually happens outside the marriage so it’s not in a vacuum it’s in the world, but it’s not part of the marriage either as you seem to imply a relation. Secondly there is cheating for all sorts of reasons and I cannot repeat this enough on this thread I guess. Your story is not everyone’s story. Some cheaters cheat because they have mental issues. Some because they are narcissists. Some because they are unhappy. Some because they are secretly gay. Some because they don’t really want to be married and have kids and just want the facade. Some because they work away from the home and it’s just easy or the other way around where the spouse is never home. All sorts of reasons. The Ms Marvelous Maisel an example of where the guy was loved and plenty of sex but felt inadequate himself. Brokeback Mountain the guy was gay. Plenty of movies where the guy is a narcissist. All sorts of reasons. Cheating is not always the effect of a marriage being bad as the cause. And I have to wonder. If you have such a good life why are you hear? I rarely read a thread about cheating till it happened to me. My ex was caught by kids in the act so the cat is out of the bag. My friend has an ex who is moving in with the AP. So most of the people I know either have little kids that it doesn’t make sense for or older kids whom have had to accept this about their dad because of the obvious. So I’ve really just been on here to find out what is the possible effect of kids knowing about the divorce and why since it was an inevitability. The friend with an ex who has an AP was able to settle with 2 months of negotiations out of court with more money than she anticipated. She has the kids most of the time and is really happy comparatively. Had a new job and home. I also have my kids most of the time and my home and a pay increase at work. It’s harder for us but we wouldn’t want to go back so there is no where except forward. So neither of us are bitter and I didn’t come on here to find out if you should or should not be bitter about your ex in front of the kids or if cheating is a terrible thing or not. I came on here to talk about how kids interpret the end of a marriage and a divorce. So can we please get off the topic of whether cheating is ok or bad and whether or not it’s ok to bad mouth your ex? It’s not answering the original question.

Says the person who's been ignoring kids entirely for 7 pages by arguing with cheaters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also don’t quite get why someone would be happily in another relationship and doing great and the divorce was decades ago and somehow still be here reading stories about telling children about affairs. It doesn’t make sense to spend this much time here in that case.

I'm not the PP you're talking about, I'm the PP who's parents suck. But I am in a WONDERFUL truly exceptionally happy marriage and I'm here because I love thinking about people and relationships and I have had experiences in my life prior to my excellent marriage. I'm an avid reader of the forum and think it is actually beneficial to get input from people who are not miserable.

If I was having marriage problems I wouldn't want advice from people in a miserable marriage!

Some people just like DCUM, and use their whole lifetime of experiences to draw from when responding to posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

This is the PP and I agree- it was a really rough few years. But I needed that time to deal with it and grow and move forward. We did tell the kids we grew apart and they were confused and they didn’t understand initially. Neither of us ever strayed from that story because it was a complicated situation and they’re kids. And cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum and there were issues that contributed to it on both sides- complacency with our relationship, taking each other for granted, a loss of respect due to each other’s actions (or more accurately inactions). We let the marriage die. We spent the kids early years totally focused on them, our jobs, the house, the pets and the chores. Our relationship came last. The cheating was a byproduct of that. I don’t condone the actions but having had time to reflect and heal I definitely see the role I played in how our marriage ended. And I can’t with 100% certainty sit here and say that if I wasn’t given a similar opportunity at the time (an attractive person showing me the kind of interest I hadn’t received from my spouse in years, noticing things about me, listening to me and actually paying attention to me as a woman) that I wouldn't have been excited by the attention. Who knows? I’ve had a lot of years to contemplate this and analyze it. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it hadn’t happened to me. And I sure wasn’t going to spend the rest of my time on this earth being a bitter, miserable, angry person. But I go back to my original opinion- there is no good reason for the kids to know about the cheating.

There is about one sentence here about Kids and nothing about their involvement, their ages, their lives and the rest all about you and your relationship. Who cares. This is about telling kids. You keep expecting your story to be everyone’s cheating story and it just isn’t. It comes across as narcissistic. First off cheating actually happens outside the marriage so it’s not in a vacuum it’s in the world, but it’s not part of the marriage either as you seem to imply a relation. Secondly there is cheating for all sorts of reasons and I cannot repeat this enough on this thread I guess. Your story is not everyone’s story. Some cheaters cheat because they have mental issues. Some because they are narcissists. Some because they are unhappy. Some because they are secretly gay. Some because they don’t really want to be married and have kids and just want the facade. Some because they work away from the home and it’s just easy or the other way around where the spouse is never home. All sorts of reasons. The Ms Marvelous Maisel an example of where the guy was loved and plenty of sex but felt inadequate himself. Brokeback Mountain the guy was gay. Plenty of movies where the guy is a narcissist. All sorts of reasons. Cheating is not always the effect of a marriage being bad as the cause. And I have to wonder. If you have such a good life why are you hear? I rarely read a thread about cheating till it happened to me. My ex was caught by kids in the act so the cat is out of the bag. My friend has an ex who is moving in with the AP. So most of the people I know either have little kids that it doesn’t make sense for or older kids whom have had to accept this about their dad because of the obvious. So I’ve really just been on here to find out what is the possible effect of kids knowing about the divorce and why since it was an inevitability. The friend with an ex who has an AP was able to settle with 2 months of negotiations out of court with more money than she anticipated. She has the kids most of the time and is really happy comparatively. Had a new job and home. I also have my kids most of the time and my home and a pay increase at work. It’s harder for us but we wouldn’t want to go back so there is no where except forward. So neither of us are bitter and I didn’t come on here to find out if you should or should not be bitter about your ex in front of the kids or if cheating is a terrible thing or not. I came on here to talk about how kids interpret the end of a marriage and a divorce. So can we please get off the topic of whether cheating is ok or bad and whether or not it’s ok to bad mouth your ex? It’s not answering the original question.

Says the person who's been ignoring kids entirely for 7 pages by arguing with cheaters

Typical. Can't give an explanation why you made your cooment all about you and not the kids so you project. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

This is the PP and I agree- it was a really rough few years. But I needed that time to deal with it and grow and move forward. We did tell the kids we grew apart and they were confused and they didn’t understand initially. Neither of us ever strayed from that story because it was a complicated situation and they’re kids. And cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum and there were issues that contributed to it on both sides- complacency with our relationship, taking each other for granted, a loss of respect due to each other’s actions (or more accurately inactions). We let the marriage die. We spent the kids early years totally focused on them, our jobs, the house, the pets and the chores. Our relationship came last. The cheating was a byproduct of that. I don’t condone the actions but having had time to reflect and heal I definitely see the role I played in how our marriage ended. And I can’t with 100% certainty sit here and say that if I wasn’t given a similar opportunity at the time (an attractive person showing me the kind of interest I hadn’t received from my spouse in years, noticing things about me, listening to me and actually paying attention to me as a woman) that I wouldn't have been excited by the attention. Who knows? I’ve had a lot of years to contemplate this and analyze it. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it hadn’t happened to me. And I sure wasn’t going to spend the rest of my time on this earth being a bitter, miserable, angry person. But I go back to my original opinion- there is no good reason for the kids to know about the cheating.

There is about one sentence here about Kids and nothing about their involvement, their ages, their lives and the rest all about you and your relationship. Who cares. This is about telling kids. You keep expecting your story to be everyone’s cheating story and it just isn’t. It comes across as narcissistic. First off cheating actually happens outside the marriage so it’s not in a vacuum it’s in the world, but it’s not part of the marriage either as you seem to imply a relation. Secondly there is cheating for all sorts of reasons and I cannot repeat this enough on this thread I guess. Your story is not everyone’s story. Some cheaters cheat because they have mental issues. Some because they are narcissists. Some because they are unhappy. Some because they are secretly gay. Some because they don’t really want to be married and have kids and just want the facade. Some because they work away from the home and it’s just easy or the other way around where the spouse is never home. All sorts of reasons. The Ms Marvelous Maisel an example of where the guy was loved and plenty of sex but felt inadequate himself. Brokeback Mountain the guy was gay. Plenty of movies where the guy is a narcissist. All sorts of reasons. Cheating is not always the effect of a marriage being bad as the cause. And I have to wonder. If you have such a good life why are you hear? I rarely read a thread about cheating till it happened to me. My ex was caught by kids in the act so the cat is out of the bag. My friend has an ex who is moving in with the AP. So most of the people I know either have little kids that it doesn’t make sense for or older kids whom have had to accept this about their dad because of the obvious. So I’ve really just been on here to find out what is the possible effect of kids knowing about the divorce and why since it was an inevitability. The friend with an ex who has an AP was able to settle with 2 months of negotiations out of court with more money than she anticipated. She has the kids most of the time and is really happy comparatively. Had a new job and home. I also have my kids most of the time and my home and a pay increase at work. It’s harder for us but we wouldn’t want to go back so there is no where except forward. So neither of us are bitter and I didn’t come on here to find out if you should or should not be bitter about your ex in front of the kids or if cheating is a terrible thing or not. I came on here to talk about how kids interpret the end of a marriage and a divorce. So can we please get off the topic of whether cheating is ok or bad and whether or not it’s ok to bad mouth your ex? It’s not answering the original question.

Says the person who's been ignoring kids entirely for 7 pages by arguing with cheaters

Typical. Can't give an explanation why you made your cooment all about you and not the kids so you project. Pathetic.

I wasn't the person who wrote that so I couldn't comment on all that! I am just a poster who thinks you suck. A lot. Illustrated by how you're talking about Brokeback Mountain and Maisel in a serious conversation about how to navigate divorce with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who got divorced as a result of cheating and were actually able to move forward with their own lives, take advantage of the new situation and get over the betrayal in a healthy way have no desire for the kids to know the details surrounding the reasons for the divorce, infidelity or otherwise. Healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t living in the past can clearly see how the knowledge of the details could negatively impact the kids. And it should be all about the kids. My XH cheated- after a few years of massive amounts of anger and grief I was able to move forward. I love my new life and I’m happy for him with his new life as well. Kids are thriving, I never talk bad about him and to my knowledge he does the same. I don’t hate him. I wouldn’t be where I am now if he hadn’t cheated. And I have a really, really good life.

A few years of massive anger and grief is a lot to inflict on someone you supposedly loved and took vows with.

This is the PP and I agree- it was a really rough few years. But I needed that time to deal with it and grow and move forward. We did tell the kids we grew apart and they were confused and they didn’t understand initially. Neither of us ever strayed from that story because it was a complicated situation and they’re kids. And cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum and there were issues that contributed to it on both sides- complacency with our relationship, taking each other for granted, a loss of respect due to each other’s actions (or more accurately inactions). We let the marriage die. We spent the kids early years totally focused on them, our jobs, the house, the pets and the chores. Our relationship came last. The cheating was a byproduct of that. I don’t condone the actions but having had time to reflect and heal I definitely see the role I played in how our marriage ended. And I can’t with 100% certainty sit here and say that if I wasn’t given a similar opportunity at the time (an attractive person showing me the kind of interest I hadn’t received from my spouse in years, noticing things about me, listening to me and actually paying attention to me as a woman) that I wouldn't have been excited by the attention. Who knows? I’ve had a lot of years to contemplate this and analyze it. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it hadn’t happened to me. And I sure wasn’t going to spend the rest of my time on this earth being a bitter, miserable, angry person. But I go back to my original opinion- there is no good reason for the kids to know about the cheating.

There is about one sentence here about Kids and nothing about their involvement, their ages, their lives and the rest all about you and your relationship. Who cares. This is about telling kids. You keep expecting your story to be everyone’s cheating story and it just isn’t. It comes across as narcissistic. First off cheating actually happens outside the marriage so it’s not in a vacuum it’s in the world, but it’s not part of the marriage either as you seem to imply a relation. Secondly there is cheating for all sorts of reasons and I cannot repeat this enough on this thread I guess. Your story is not everyone’s story. Some cheaters cheat because they have mental issues. Some because they are narcissists. Some because they are unhappy. Some because they are secretly gay. Some because they don’t really want to be married and have kids and just want the facade. Some because they work away from the home and it’s just easy or the other way around where the spouse is never home. All sorts of reasons. The Ms Marvelous Maisel an example of where the guy was loved and plenty of sex but felt inadequate himself. Brokeback Mountain the guy was gay. Plenty of movies where the guy is a narcissist. All sorts of reasons. Cheating is not always the effect of a marriage being bad as the cause. And I have to wonder. If you have such a good life why are you hear? I rarely read a thread about cheating till it happened to me. My ex was caught by kids in the act so the cat is out of the bag. My friend has an ex who is moving in with the AP. So most of the people I know either have little kids that it doesn’t make sense for or older kids whom have had to accept this about their dad because of the obvious. So I’ve really just been on here to find out what is the possible effect of kids knowing about the divorce and why since it was an inevitability. The friend with an ex who has an AP was able to settle with 2 months of negotiations out of court with more money than she anticipated. She has the kids most of the time and is really happy comparatively. Had a new job and home. I also have my kids most of the time and my home and a pay increase at work. It’s harder for us but we wouldn’t want to go back so there is no where except forward. So neither of us are bitter and I didn’t come on here to find out if you should or should not be bitter about your ex in front of the kids or if cheating is a terrible thing or not. I came on here to talk about how kids interpret the end of a marriage and a divorce. So can we please get off the topic of whether cheating is ok or bad and whether or not it’s ok to bad mouth your ex? It’s not answering the original question.

Okay PP here you go- for all of the potential and possible different scenarios for cheating I don’t believe there’s any value at all in telling the kids the intimate details of the infidelity. It harms the kids, it harms the cheater and the only person it doesn’t harm is the one who tells the story. Kids need to be able to be kids. Are you really suggesting like your scenario above that if dad cheated because he realized he was gay that’s truly something that the kids should be told about? Get some therapy and give it a few years, maybe you’ll change your views on things.

[Anonymous]

You know at this point I simply don’t have the time to talk to anyone who can’t see beyond their nose and has an IQ I guess of 80. Your arguments continue to make no sense and are all about you. You are making stuff up that people want to tell details to their kids. They just don’t want to lie. They want to be simple and truthful. You won’t stop till you get full agreement that your narrative that people who don’t lie to their kids are selfish so whatever. OP must have more than what’s necessary to make a decision and our family already went through this.

[Anonymous]

I haven't even considered telling my kids. I can't imagine how that would be helpful to them. I hope they have a good relationship with their now Stepmother and it works out well for them. He gave up a lot to be in that relationship so good luck to them in leading a productive happy life. That's an environment I would love for my kids to be in when they're with their Dad. Is that the reality? Probably not, but his household and marriage are his business. I only care that my kids are good whenever they're there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom made it her mission to let us know the marriage imploded because my dad cheated. It was sort of obvious he cheated because he ended up with his AP.

But she still dwells on it. And I love mom but she has some major issues including likely a narcissistic personality (and I know that is a rare diagnosis but she really fits the bill).

It's one thing to let the kids know if you must, but to dwell on it or to use it to triangulate the kids will backfire

My mom spent many years raging about her father and XH being narcissists. It took me a long time to realize that she was also a narcissist. Can't tell her that, though, as she would never accept it and would just lash out at me.

And yes, everything she said about our dad being a cheater (obvious to us because he ended up with his AP) came from her narcissism and desire to enlist us as allies in her war against him. This is more often than not the reason people insist you must tell the kids (not "honesty" or however they rationalize it).

No one is insisting on saying anything. The OP was asking if there was a reasonable age to tell them. There is no insist in that ask or others' responses. I feel bad you don't get along with your mom so much. Maybe she is a narcissist. Maybe she just wanted you to acknowledge the cheating was wrong one time. I have no idea. I don't know you or your mom or what you did in detail to try to move forward and by this time I really don't care. I've heard your story too much by now. It's on every page of this thread. We know she was a narcissist already. I don't know why you keep repeating it.

Oh I get along with my mom just fine, because I don't say anything to her that sounds even remotely like criticism.

My mom has never moved forward from her divorce, that's the problem. She is still mad about things that happened in 1970 and she will never not be mad about them. There's nothing I can do about that, it's up to her. (She's also mad about things her dad did in the 1940s and 1950s.)

Plenty of people in this thread have insisted that you must tell the kids and have sought to shame people who don't tell the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't even considered telling my kids. I can't imagine how that would be helpful to them. I hope they have a good relationship with their now Stepmother and it works out well for them. He gave up a lot to be in that relationship so good luck to them in leading a productive happy life. That's an environment I would love for my kids to be in when they're with their Dad. Is that the reality? Probably not, but his household and marriage are his business. I only care that my kids are good whenever they're there.

There are real reasons why it's helpful to know the actual cause of trauma because those patterns of behavior are taught and then repeated. No idea if your ex was immediately with this person after separation, but then it would be an obvious conclusion and no need for words. I love how these posters don't bother telling their kid's ages like it doesn't matter. Sure when your kid is 8 they don't need to know many details (although I don't know how they don't see that Dad loves stepmom now), but when your adult child is sitting in a therapist's office about something, she or he isn't going to say "well my parents split up but I don't really know why. I don't think it really matters the reason." Whatever is said or not said, children will develop conclusions from what they hear and surmise. Omission does not lead to no thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't even considered telling my kids. I can't imagine how that would be helpful to them. I hope they have a good relationship with their now Stepmother and it works out well for them. He gave up a lot to be in that relationship so good luck to them in leading a productive happy life. That's an environment I would love for my kids to be in when they're with their Dad. Is that the reality? Probably not, but his household and marriage are his business. I only care that my kids are good whenever they're there.

There are real reasons why it's helpful to know the actual cause of trauma because those patterns of behavior are taught and then repeated. No idea if your ex was immediately with this person after separation, but then it would be an obvious conclusion and no need for words. I love how these posters don't bother telling their kid's ages like it doesn't matter. Sure when your kid is 8 they don't need to know many details (although I don't know how they don't see that Dad loves stepmom now), but when your adult child is sitting in a therapist's office about something, she or he isn't going to say "well my parents split up but I don't really know why. I don't think it really matters the reason." Whatever is said or not said, children will develop conclusions from what they hear and surmise. Omission does not lead to no thought.

No but when done correctly it ensures that when the kids reach those conclusions, neither parent has any expectations of them and they know and understand that and can choose their own path.

[Anonymous]

And when they reach the wrong conclusions because of omission?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And when they reach the wrong conclusions because of omission?

Who cares? It only matters if they start treating one parent really badly. If they start treating a parent really badly for some explanation for a divorce they have cooked up I might tell them the truth in a controlled way (like with a therapist) but I would also assume we had failed a bit because they are angry and looking for reasons and not feeling supported.

[Anonymous]

And when they start treating their spouse badly or themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And when they start treating their spouse badly or themselves?

I have no idea how this is relevant to the conversation. Are you saying that cheating is genetic and they need to be informed of it like they would a predisposition to alcohol? Because THAT is cray cray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And when they start treating their spouse badly or themselves?

I have no idea how this is relevant to the conversation. Are you saying that cheating is genetic and they need to be informed of it like they would a predisposition to alcohol? Because THAT is cray cray.

But it is genetically related and also situational. Learned behavior. All behavior is and if we don't understand it, we will inadvertently make decisions that will lead us along the same path. Some articles.

https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/scientists-suspect-genetic-underpinnings-to-human-monogamy/

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/10/is-polyamory-a-choice.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2014/09/25/the-evidence-of-polygamy-is-in-our-genes/

https://psiloveyou.xyz/the-monogamy-gene-df641c2e09a0

https://medium.com/prismnpen/in-defense-of-polyamory-31359d0448fa