When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

If my husband cheats on me and I divorce him as a result, I will tell him that he has 2 options: either he tells the kids why or I will.

[Anonymous]

So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Dad cheated because mom refused to have sex with him.

So the only solution is to cheat? How about dad working on improving the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you unload your shitty marriage baggage on your kids? The divorce itself is hard enough. Kids don’t need the details regarding their parents dysfunction.

It’s a transparent effort to try and curry favor and be the good and blameless one in a divorce. It also almost never works. Kids don’t want to hear one parent trash the other even if it’s accurate.

They are going to hear the truth from someone. You are kidding yourself if you think that the truth of cheating will remain hidden. The only question is who tells your kids, you or someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told me everything and put me in the middle and it was horrible. They divorced when I was an adult and it ruined my relationship with both of them and I basically lost my parents the day I was told. And, I always suspected it but mom was in denial.

How did it make you loose your relationship with your mom?

lose

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Dad cheated because mom refused to have sex with him.

So the only solution is to cheat? How about dad working on improving the marriage?

It takes 2. Taking an apparent vow of celibacy is a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you unload your shitty marriage baggage on your kids? The divorce itself is hard enough. Kids don’t need the details regarding their parents dysfunction.

It’s a transparent effort to try and curry favor and be the good and blameless one in a divorce. It also almost never works. Kids don’t want to hear one parent trash the other even if it’s accurate.

They are going to hear the truth from someone. You are kidding yourself if you think that the truth of cheating will remain hidden. The only question is who tells your kids, you or someone else.

+1. Whether it’s right or not, kids WILL figure it out. My dad had an affair, and I found out because I heard my mom talking about it with her friend when she thought I was asleep.

[Anonymous]

I assume my kids will eventually find out that I cheated, but then they will also learn more details about how for decades before that their dad abused me. Right now we both keep both quiet and coparent well. I wish I didn’t make the mistake of cheating but also was too broken of a human from his abuse. I would be glad to admit to my kids all I learned in hopes of helping them avoid mistakes I made. Life isn’t linear and sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn and grow. Teaching your kids that everything is black and white is doing them the biggest disservice of all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume my kids will eventually find out that I cheated, but then they will also learn more details about how for decades before that their dad abused me. Right now we both keep both quiet and coparent well. I wish I didn’t make the mistake of cheating but also was too broken of a human from his abuse. I would be glad to admit to my kids all I learned in hopes of helping them avoid mistakes I made. Life isn’t linear and sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn and grow. Teaching your kids that everything is black and white is doing them the biggest disservice of all.

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume my kids will eventually find out that I cheated, but then they will also learn more details about how for decades before that their dad abused me. Right now we both keep both quiet and coparent well. I wish I didn’t make the mistake of cheating but also was too broken of a human from his abuse. I would be glad to admit to my kids all I learned in hopes of helping them avoid mistakes I made. Life isn’t linear and sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn and grow. Teaching your kids that everything is black and white is doing them the biggest disservice of all.

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.

There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told me everything and put me in the middle and it was horrible. They divorced when I was an adult and it ruined my relationship with both of them and I basically lost my parents the day I was told. And, I always suspected it but mom was in denial.

Yes, this. I had the same experience. Mom tried to triangulate me to her side when dad cheating and left with AP. I spent years having nothing to do with either of them and my wedding was a nightmare because she doesn't like being in the same room as her.

I actually have a better relationship with Dad although his AP now wife is a ch so I don't see him much either.

My mom should have left him years before. I have zero respect for my dad who blames everyone including me and refuses to see how he destroyed our family. I have zero interest in his girlfriends as they are dumb to be with him and he cheats on them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Dad cheated because mom refused to have sex with him.

So the only solution is to cheat? How about dad working on improving the marriage?

Why didn’t dad get a divorce first? He could have told his wife their lack of sex was unacceptable, and he would be filling for divorce.

I stopped having sex with my spouse because he was cheating. His answer was to cheat more, with random men and women (thus exposing me to stis and stds from random strangers who find anonymous sex partners online‼️)

Then blame me because I “wouldn’t have sex with him.”

If any of you find messages on your husband’s open email he’s meeting other men for anal sex in secret and you get incredibly turned on, go for it. Just know MSM (men who have sex with men) have incredibly high hiv and aids rates.

He’s still running around telling anyone who will listen I stopped having sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom told me everything and put me in the middle and it was horrible. They divorced when I was an adult and it ruined my relationship with both of them and I basically lost my parents the day I was told. And, I always suspected it but mom was in denial.

This. Why do you need to offload your anger on your kids if they love their father? It’s about the worst thing you can do to them. Talk to a therapist instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is telling children age appropriately, the facts about why their family is no longer together “bad mouthing?”

It depends. Sometimes we don't tell everyone all of our truths, you know? There is a line between "need to know" and "bad mouthing gossip." I think with kids there comes a time when they need to know, but until then, it could be seen as gratuitous badmouthing, even if true. If you do that, then the kid disrespects both of you in the end. Knowledge like this is a huge emotional burden, so you need to be careful about where and when you choose to rest that burden. Often you come up against a bad situation where you have to decide which is worse -- telling them or letting them go through life unaware of the huge gap in information they have been living under? You also have to ask yourself for whose benefit are you telling them? If yours, probably don't tell yet. If theirs or mostly theirs, then it is probably time.

Be aware when you do tell that a very normal human reaction to this is to reflect back on the period of time when they did not know and view their whole life in that period as a "lie," blaming everyone who knew but didn't tell them. They may feel guilt or anger about things they said or did during that period (both good and bad) that they feel they would not have done had they known. Kids of divorce are constantly placed in situations, some big and thousands of little ones, where they are making mom v. dad decisions, even if only in their heads -- a big gap in information when these decisions are made can have emotional repercussions.