When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Dad cheated because mom refused to have sex with him.

So the only solution is to cheat? How about dad working on improving the marriage?

The baseline DCUM assumption is that if there's a sexless marriage, it's always the husband's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One parent loves the kids more than themselves. It’s not the one that cheated.

That parent will carry the emotional burden and the fallout from it so that they can protect their sons from repeating the pattern of their father and future generations. The emotional damage from learning your parent was a cheater has generational and huge emotional consequences.

I will protect my kids with my life and, unfortunately, that included biting my tongue about his affair.

Unfortunately, that time I was checked out and emotionally wrought from the news and he got to appear like the devoted, fun one.

They will find out on their own some day, and the impact of that will be worse.

Nah. If they reconciled and parents went on to have a happy marriage, it’s highly unlikely. Most people that reconcile tell nobody except a therapist. You tell one other person and the chance they keep it to themselves is almost zero.

People take this stuff to the grave.

The one person I know whose father confessed when they were middle aged were well adjusted and proud that their parents stuck it out and they had a happy family life.

If they reconciled it is possible that the kids won’t find out, if it was a one night stand sort of situation. But that’s more unusual. Most people I know who had a cheating parent who had full affairs found out at some point in their life, from someone or something else, even if the parents tried to hide it. Often it comes out after the parents have both died and the kids are cleaning the house, which is a horrible way to find out.

Secrets like this out. They just do.

[Anonymous]

My ex cheated. The kids are 31 and 28. I’ve never told them. I’m sure they suspect. But, I didn’t feel like they needed details. They were very young when he left - 3 and 7. I remarried when they were 7 and 11. They have never had a good relationship with their bio dad for many reasons. He chose to disappear for several years. Their stepdad is dad as far as they are concerned. They do visit their bio dad once or twice a year. He is remarried (not to his AP) and his new wife is wonderful! My kids really like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume my kids will eventually find out that I cheated, but then they will also learn more details about how for decades before that their dad abused me. Right now we both keep both quiet and coparent well. I wish I didn’t make the mistake of cheating but also was too broken of a human from his abuse. I would be glad to admit to my kids all I learned in hopes of helping them avoid mistakes I made. Life isn’t linear and sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn and grow. Teaching your kids that everything is black and white is doing them the biggest disservice of all.

The problem with this approach is that because you didn’t tell them the truth about the cheating, they are unlikely to believe the truth about the abuse. Unless he is abusing them too, in which case they might understand more. People believe truths that are in front of them, and they tend to believe people who have a history of being truthful.

Most of the time the abused wife is the betrayed spouse, suffering in silence. She’s not the one going out and cheating.

Having gone through this, I’ve since learned it’s far more common than you realize for abused people to get to this point before they even realize how bad and unusual their situation is. But years of therapy helps you understand why. I guarantee the abusers aren’t doing years of therapy to understand their part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One parent loves the kids more than themselves. It’s not the one that cheated.

That parent will carry the emotional burden and the fallout from it so that they can protect their sons from repeating the pattern of their father and future generations. The emotional damage from learning your parent was a cheater has generational and huge emotional consequences.

I will protect my kids with my life and, unfortunately, that included biting my tongue about his affair.

Unfortunately, that time I was checked out and emotionally wrought from the news and he got to appear like the devoted, fun one.

They will find out on their own some day, and the impact of that will be worse.

I am not that PP. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret. I found out about it from relatives when I was an adult. I have no problem at all with her decision. She had been badly hurt and was trying to protect us from additional hurt.

That our dad was not a good person became abundantly obvious to us even without mom telling us he was a cheater. A man can't hide his character from his kids by acting like "the fun parent". Not forever, anyway. And my dad didn't even try very hard - he very quickly moved on to his next family that he had with his AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One parent loves the kids more than themselves. It’s not the one that cheated.

That parent will carry the emotional burden and the fallout from it so that they can protect their sons from repeating the pattern of their father and future generations. The emotional damage from learning your parent was a cheater has generational and huge emotional consequences.

I will protect my kids with my life and, unfortunately, that included biting my tongue about his affair.

Unfortunately, that time I was checked out and emotionally wrought from the news and he got to appear like the devoted, fun one.

They will find out on their own some day, and the impact of that will be worse.

I am not that PP. My mom kept my dad's cheating a secret. I found out about it from relatives when I was an adult. I have no problem at all with her decision. She had been badly hurt and was trying to protect us from additional hurt.

That our dad was not a good person became abundantly obvious to us even without mom telling us he was a cheater. A man can't hide his character from his kids by acting like "the fun parent". Not forever, anyway. And my dad didn't even try very hard - he very quickly moved on to his next family that he had with his AP.

This is why I didn’t tell anyone. Not family or friends. My family is incredibly close and I know it would have gotten out at some point.

[Anonymous]

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

I give this response a million ++++ssss

So true! The only apology most cheaters are capable of us the “non-apology”. They are always justified and always the true victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone who cheated on you. I agree that’s it’s also abuse. I never said I thought it was justified. It’s more that I was so broken that I also made terrible choices. 20 years of doing everything for another person and being emotionally belittled by them, sexually abused by them, and controlled can do that to a person. Unfortunately I didn’t understand why I was so desperate for attention and kindness until it was too late. I deeply regret that I couldn’t just leave the bad marriage—but I genuinely didn’t understand I was being abused. It took a lot and I wish it played out differently but life and all.

I actually want to tell my kids everything but it would be selfish at this point. They are too young to understand. When they are older, I will explain more to them. I’m raising them to be empathetic and critical thinkers. I trust they will understand love and mistakes and learning to become better because of it.

I can genuinely say I would never cheat again. I also will never be with someone again who treats me so poorly. Authenticity means everything to me after a lifetime of being what someone else needed and then losing myself in the process.

A cheater isn’t just bad and the person cheated on isn’t always just good. Truth is he broke our vows long before when he didn’t love or respect me as a person.

And he also does it to our kids now…. It sucks and is hard to watch. They don’t like being with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone who cheated on you. I agree that’s it’s also abuse. I never said I thought it was justified. It’s more that I was so broken that I also made terrible choices. 20 years of doing everything for another person and being emotionally belittled by them, sexually abused by them, and controlled can do that to a person. Unfortunately I didn’t understand why I was so desperate for attention and kindness until it was too late. I deeply regret that I couldn’t just leave the bad marriage—but I genuinely didn’t understand I was being abused. It took a lot and I wish it played out differently but life and all.

I actually want to tell my kids everything but it would be selfish at this point. They are too young to understand. When they are older, I will explain more to them. I’m raising them to be empathetic and critical thinkers. I trust they will understand love and mistakes and learning to become better because of it.

I can genuinely say I would never cheat again. I also will never be with someone again who treats me so poorly. Authenticity means everything to me after a lifetime of being what someone else needed and then losing myself in the process.

A cheater isn’t just bad and the person cheated on isn’t always just good. Truth is he broke our vows long before when he didn’t love or respect me as a person.

And he also does it to our kids now…. It sucks and is hard to watch. They don’t like being with him.

+1. Could’ve written this myself. I started dating when in house separated from ex and still legally married. He has cast me as the cheating ho that broke up our marriage. Our kids know the time line of dating my new husband and they have accepted him. They also got to witness their father hit me, spit on me, berate me, and other forms of abuse. They have much less respect for their father (oldest doesn’t see him anymore). Kids know I got out due to their father. Younger child is counting the days until he can live with me full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone who cheated on you. I agree that’s it’s also abuse. I never said I thought it was justified. It’s more that I was so broken that I also made terrible choices. 20 years of doing everything for another person and being emotionally belittled by them, sexually abused by them, and controlled can do that to a person. Unfortunately I didn’t understand why I was so desperate for attention and kindness until it was too late. I deeply regret that I couldn’t just leave the bad marriage—but I genuinely didn’t understand I was being abused. It took a lot and I wish it played out differently but life and all.

I actually want to tell my kids everything but it would be selfish at this point. They are too young to understand. When they are older, I will explain more to them. I’m raising them to be empathetic and critical thinkers. I trust they will understand love and mistakes and learning to become better because of it.

I can genuinely say I would never cheat again. I also will never be with someone again who treats me so poorly. Authenticity means everything to me after a lifetime of being what someone else needed and then losing myself in the process.

A cheater isn’t just bad and the person cheated on isn’t always just good. Truth is he broke our vows long before when he didn’t love or respect me as a person.

And he also does it to our kids now…. It sucks and is hard to watch. They don’t like being with him.

The most "normal" response to abuse that you describe is to try find a higher paying job, a new place to live, to move out from the abuser. It's not cheating. Cheating means you tried to solve your marital problems at the expense of your own time, your kids well-being. This is not a good choice. Hope you are now firmly on your feet and doing well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone who cheated on you. I agree that’s it’s also abuse. I never said I thought it was justified. It’s more that I was so broken that I also made terrible choices. 20 years of doing everything for another person and being emotionally belittled by them, sexually abused by them, and controlled can do that to a person. Unfortunately I didn’t understand why I was so desperate for attention and kindness until it was too late. I deeply regret that I couldn’t just leave the bad marriage—but I genuinely didn’t understand I was being abused. It took a lot and I wish it played out differently but life and all.

I actually want to tell my kids everything but it would be selfish at this point. They are too young to understand. When they are older, I will explain more to them. I’m raising them to be empathetic and critical thinkers. I trust they will understand love and mistakes and learning to become better because of it.

I can genuinely say I would never cheat again. I also will never be with someone again who treats me so poorly. Authenticity means everything to me after a lifetime of being what someone else needed and then losing myself in the process.

A cheater isn’t just bad and the person cheated on isn’t always just good. Truth is he broke our vows long before when he didn’t love or respect me as a person.

And he also does it to our kids now…. It sucks and is hard to watch. They don’t like being with him.

The most "normal" response to abuse that you describe is to try find a higher paying job, a new place to live, to move out from the abuser. It's not cheating. Cheating means you tried to solve your marital problems at the expense of your own time, your kids well-being. This is not a good choice. Hope you are now firmly on your feet and doing well

Yep. That’s what I did^^, not cheat. 2 wrongs don’t make a right.

[Anonymous]

Would you tell your kids about a spouse who was "limmering" on someone else and the marriage failed because they completely checked out not just from marital but also from parental responsibilities? Nothing physical happened. As far as I know my ex never even inappropriately communicated with the other person, but nonetheless refused to stop obsessing about another person to the exclusion of all everything else in life (marriage, job, friends, kids).

I haven't told the kids so far. I am unsure whether I should do so when they're adults.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced after my dad cheated. My 13yo sister found out. I (11 at the time) did not, until my early 20s when my mom told me.

My sister had a terrible relationship with our dad after the divorce - very angry. Unfortunately that translated into being very angry with men in general, presuming that all men are bad and cheaters. She had a series of bad relationships, with cheating on both sides. Also had major issues with any authority figure. She was just angry at the world. She had a really hard time learning to trust anyone.

I had a decent relationship with both parents. It saddened me when I finally learned the truth, but I understood why my mom had kept it from me at the time. It explained a lot. So I'm glad she eventually told me, but I'm also glad it didn't define my teen years. By the time I learned about it, I'd already seen and had a handful of healthy relationships, so I knew they were possible and what they looked like.

So I vote for waiting until they are through the teens years. Not to protect the cheating ex, but because learning of these kinds of adult issues can really screw up a child or young teen, and impact their ability to have healthy relationships for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.