Should I excuse DH from nighttime duties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your husband about what he thinks. At 4 weeks old, I wasn’t yet pumping and I had to do all the nighttime feeds. It did not make sense for my husband to get up. I also was able to sleep or rest when the baby did during the day. If you are not able to do so, that is a totally different matter.

I guess the question is what does he do now during the night and will both of you be negatively impacted if this changes.

When my oldest was that age my husband was working in person and I was not yet pumping. There was literally nothing he could offer middle of the night. We did the late/early shift. He is naturally a night person. He stayed up until late and I slept early. I did the two middle of the night feedings. When I started back to work at 9 weeks pp, my baby was sleeping until 6am without waking. On the nights that he did wake, we took turns. It worked out fine.

Either you’re a liar or had the world’s easiest baby. They’re “literally nothing” your DH could do to help? Your baby never needed to be changed, burped, re-swaddled, or be put to sleep?

I detest people like you who view doing it all themselves as a badge of honor that other new moms should strive for, when really it’s an unfortunate lifestyle born out of a crappy support system. There’s a reason many breastfeeding moms use night nannies (or take help from their DHs or other family members)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your husband about what he thinks. At 4 weeks old, I wasn’t yet pumping and I had to do all the nighttime feeds. It did not make sense for my husband to get up. I also was able to sleep or rest when the baby did during the day. If you are not able to do so, that is a totally different matter.

I guess the question is what does he do now during the night and will both of you be negatively impacted if this changes.

When my oldest was that age my husband was working in person and I was not yet pumping. There was literally nothing he could offer middle of the night. We did the late/early shift. He is naturally a night person. He stayed up until late and I slept early. I did the two middle of the night feedings. When I started back to work at 9 weeks pp, my baby was sleeping until 6am without waking. On the nights that he did wake, we took turns. It worked out fine.

Either you’re a liar or had the world’s easiest baby. They’re “literally nothing” your DH could do to help? Your baby never needed to be changed, burped, re-swaddled, or be put to sleep?

I detest people like you who view doing it all themselves as a badge of honor that other new moms should strive for, when really it’s an unfortunate lifestyle born out of a crappy support system. There’s a reason many breastfeeding moms use night nannies (or take help from their DHs or other family members)

DP but wow that’s quite the reaction. I had a similar experience. DH got up all the time in the first month or so when he was on leave and the baby was waking up a ton and needed a lot of stuff overnight beyond just feeding (diaper changes, rocked and comforted, swaddled, etc.). But by the time he returned to work, the baby’s schedule had settled a bit and we’d figured some stuff out. She stopped pooping at night, which meant we could leave her swaddled unless her diaper was full. We had switched to those Velcro swaddled too, which are so easy. Plus soon we weren’t swaddling at all so that job went away. Nursing by itself generally got her back to sleep at that point, so there was limited need for DH to rock the baby or take a shift.

I wouldn’t say we had the world’s easiest baby at all. She was really tough in the evening at that point and could be very hard to get to sleep initially. DH definitely did a ton of that, and there were days when he’d come home from work and I’d hand him the baby with a bottle and then just go lie down or get in a long shower and he’d take his shift. But once she was asleep, basically all she needed was nursing and so I handled most might wake-ups. There were exceptions— the occasional diaper blow out, a period when she had acid reflux snd was super fussy — and DH got up for that stuff. But it got less and less as time went on.

It’s fine if you had a different experience or you and your partner sorted out the workload differently. But you don’t need to accuse people of lying or say you detest them because they sorted out this situation differently. We’re really only talking about a few months for most people, before the baby starts STTN. For us it was a little longer because I did night feeds for longer due to a borderline weight gain issue. But by 7 or 8 months, our baby moved into her nursery and slept through most nights and that overnight shift wasn’t even part of the division of labor. This is really not the most important aspect of dividing parenting duties. It’s a blip in the scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your husband about what he thinks. At 4 weeks old, I wasn’t yet pumping and I had to do all the nighttime feeds. It did not make sense for my husband to get up. I also was able to sleep or rest when the baby did during the day. If you are not able to do so, that is a totally different matter.

I guess the question is what does he do now during the night and will both of you be negatively impacted if this changes.

When my oldest was that age my husband was working in person and I was not yet pumping. There was literally nothing he could offer middle of the night. We did the late/early shift. He is naturally a night person. He stayed up until late and I slept early. I did the two middle of the night feedings. When I started back to work at 9 weeks pp, my baby was sleeping until 6am without waking. On the nights that he did wake, we took turns. It worked out fine.

Either you’re a liar or had the world’s easiest baby. They’re “literally nothing” your DH could do to help? Your baby never needed to be changed, burped, re-swaddled, or be put to sleep?

I detest people like you who view doing it all themselves as a badge of honor that other new moms should strive for, when really it’s an unfortunate lifestyle born out of a crappy support system. There’s a reason many breastfeeding moms use night nannies (or take help from their DHs or other family members)

You live in a very strange bubble if you think many moms use night nannies. That is not at all the norm. I've only seen them mentioned on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

You are applying your extremely specific experience to all other people and then dictating how other families should arrange their lives. OP d it don’t say her baby was really difficult at night. She didn’t say she was considering giving DH a “blank check” on nighttime duty. She is asking whether letting the partner who is going to work prioritize sleep while she handles night wakeups will throw their whole marriage and division of parenting out if whack. And many of us are sharing that we did this and no, it did not lead to our DHs never doing anything else or us getting divorced. OP has to decide for herself what makes the most sense for her specific situation.

And FWIW, I got tons of sleep during my leave. I didn’t even have family help like OP has. But my baby took a reliable morning nap and so did I. It was her only predictable nap, but it guaranteed two hours of catch up sleep every day. My DH did not have that option, so I think forcing him to wake up with the baby at night (so he could hand her to me I guess) and then be a zombie at work every day did not make sense to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

I’ve noticed a lot of (white, American) people do this. Try to minimize how hard the newborn period can be for many new moms and pooh pooh those who want or need help. No wonder PPD is so common among this crowd!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

I’ve noticed a lot of (white, American) people do this. Try to minimize how hard the newborn period can be for many new moms and pooh pooh those who want or need help. No wonder PPD is so common among this crowd!

But it works both ways! Of course the newborn period is hard, everyone struggles with some aspects of it. I’m a PPD survivor and I’d be the first person to tell you that the postpartum period is rough as hell, I didn’t get enough support, and people need to be more aware of this.

And yet, I also did nighttime wakeups and didn’t find them burdensome and it was the right choice for me. Sleep deprivation was not my particular issue. I actually liked my nighttime feeds and it was an aspect of new motherhood that felt peaceful and gave me uninterrupted time with my baby. I’m not pooh poohing anything when I say that. It was my experience. It doesn’t negate PP’s experience. It sounds like she had an aggressively unhelpful partner and that sounds like a nightmare. Nothing but empathy for her.

But OP has support (her mom coming daily for several hours, something I would have given anything for at that stage) and has not indicated she’s sleep deprived or struggling with wake ups. So she’s getting advice based on that.

It doesn’t help anyone to just NOT LISTEN to what they are saying, project all your own issues into them, call them liars, and then say you detest them because they had a different experience.

[Anonymous]

Man! Agree! Newborndom isn’t time for feminist theoretical fights or “should”s just because. It’s a time to keep your ship afloat together, however best that works. For us, three kids later, nursing + changing our kiddos was easier for me to do as I was already up. Let the poor man sleep. He’d then take our babes at 5:30 am after I’d nursed and let me sleep for 2-3 hours. For us, this worked well. And it kept him ok at work, and a good, well rested adult in our house for the other kids. Never saw the point in making him get up just to change a diaper so he could experience some pain too. Be a team. Same guy now whisks our early risers to donuts to let me sleep in on Saturdays on occasion (ie at least once a month) figure it out for your marriage - not as a points of pain competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

The thing is the studies are clear that that “blip” sets lifetime parenting patterns. Men who don’t get up with their babies are men who don’t bathe their toddlers are men who haven’t the faintest clue what Susie’s teachers name is. So, OP, I would be guided by the actual research on this, not people who are absolute misogynists like the one saying women should not be allowed out of the workforce, or the ones giving themselves medals for how THEY did it all (because trust me, you will find so many of these magical people who did it all…bitter and divorced later). I would set the model for egalitarian parenting you want, and then I would implement it in a way that is compassionate to both of you. Maybe he goes to bed with the baby at eight because you napped until 2, and then you get the 10 and midnight wakeups and he goes “on” at 2am after he got a solid six hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man! Agree! Newborndom isn’t time for feminist theoretical fights or “should”s just because. It’s a time to keep your ship afloat together, however best that works. For us, three kids later, nursing + changing our kiddos was easier for me to do as I was already up. Let the poor man sleep. He’d then take our babes at 5:30 am after I’d nursed and let me sleep for 2-3 hours. For us, this worked well. And it kept him ok at work, and a good, well rested adult in our house for the other kids. Never saw the point in making him get up just to change a diaper so he could experience some pain too. Be a team. Same guy now whisks our early risers to donuts to let me sleep in on Saturdays on occasion (ie at least once a month) figure it out for your marriage - not as a points of pain competition.

Wow, your DH lets you sleep in once a month? And props to him, doing the easiest thing ever (taking out for donuts) rather than, like, making a special breakfast at home like most moms would do.

Man, some of you women have such low expectation of your DHs, that crumbs look like feasts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

The thing is the studies are clear that that “blip” sets lifetime parenting patterns. Men who don’t get up with their babies are men who don’t bathe their toddlers are men who haven’t the faintest clue what Susie’s teachers name is. So, OP, I would be guided by the actual research on this, not people who are absolute misogynists like the one saying women should not be allowed out of the workforce, or the ones giving themselves medals for how THEY did it all (because trust me, you will find so many of these magical people who did it all…bitter and divorced later). I would set the model for egalitarian parenting you want, and then I would implement it in a way that is compassionate to both of you. Maybe he goes to bed with the baby at eight because you napped until 2, and then you get the 10 and midnight wakeups and he goes “on” at 2am after he got a solid six hours?

Studies can show whatever they want. I did nighttime wakeups while on leave do my DH could sleep since he had to leave for the office at 7am. And several years later, he’s a full parenting partner. He does 90% of all baths, he reads to our child and takes her to the playground on his own multiple times a week. He does drop off/pick up twice a week. He splits cooking duties with me and does laundry. He not only knows our kid’s teachers names but he’s as likely as I am to be the person communicating with them about school stuff. And in the last month he’s taken on 100% of the childcare and house duties for days at a time when I was out of town for work and then dealing with a medical issue.

I get what you’re saying because I read those studies too, and agree that *in general* men don’t contribute enough at home. But also: no one knows my marriage like I do. I bristle at anyone who is going to tell me that a choice I made willingly was somehow bad for my marriage, which I know to be egalitarian because I’m in it, or that by making that choice I somehow set all women back. You can’t boil the historical inequality in parenting down to “who does night wakeups when the child is 0-6 months old?” It’s reductive in a ridiculous way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your husband about what he thinks. At 4 weeks old, I wasn’t yet pumping and I had to do all the nighttime feeds. It did not make sense for my husband to get up. I also was able to sleep or rest when the baby did during the day. If you are not able to do so, that is a totally different matter.

I guess the question is what does he do now during the night and will both of you be negatively impacted if this changes.

When my oldest was that age my husband was working in person and I was not yet pumping. There was literally nothing he could offer middle of the night. We did the late/early shift. He is naturally a night person. He stayed up until late and I slept early. I did the two middle of the night feedings. When I started back to work at 9 weeks pp, my baby was sleeping until 6am without waking. On the nights that he did wake, we took turns. It worked out fine.

Either you’re a liar or had the world’s easiest baby. They’re “literally nothing” your DH could do to help? Your baby never needed to be changed, burped, re-swaddled, or be put to sleep?

I detest people like you who view doing it all themselves as a badge of honor that other new moms should strive for, when really it’s an unfortunate lifestyle born out of a crappy support system. There’s a reason many breastfeeding moms use night nannies (or take help from their DHs or other family members)

Whoah! I’m sorry you are so offended and had a different experience. My first was a terrible sleeper / had jaundice / had trouble gaining weight. My husband did all the laundry, made meals, washed every pump part and bottle, wrote thank you notes for baby presents - but he didn’t get up at night. He did stay up until 12am so I could sleep 8pm-12am in one chunk. My 2nd baby was much easier until 4-5 mo old and then he was up multiple times until he was 2. My husband is a grump when he doesn’t get sleep - I handle it better. We all do what works for us - and for me that meant never waking him at night unless there is vomit or some huge poop blow out and I need help. My husband did have lots of things he could do to help, just not between 12am and 6am.

[Anonymous]

Here me out. I am one of those “martyrs” who did all night time baby duties for my kids - I also have a more demanding job. I vividly recall the early days of having a baby and feeling like every decision was fraught and crucial and a harbinger of the future of my parenting and my marriage. Every decision from diaper type, pacifier or not, how to handle night feedings, sleep training, etc. I thought those decisions would set us down a specific path that foretold our future.
They didn’t. You can try stuff and adjust / change as needed. What works during maternity leave might not work when you go back. What works when the baby is in your room might not work once you move them to their own room. I did all the night feedings up to a year or so - and my husband does WAY more kid stuff now that they are preschool / elementary age. He packs lunches, plans ahead for spirit week, takes them to sports practice, makes teacher gifts, etc. He doesn’t do well with broken sleep, but he’s super engaged in ways most of my friends’ husbands aren’t. I also don’t remember the first 12-18 months of each kid being a stressful point in my marriage - and I think that is because we each leaned into our strengths and didn’t worry about making everything fair lest we set up some imbalance that would never get corrected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is going back to work (from home) next week and I am fully recovered from giving birth to my 4 week old. My mom lives nearby and will continue coming over every day for 5-6 hours to give me relief from the baby (i.e., hold/play with him so I can sleep, bring him to me for nursing only). Should I tell DH to sleep in another room to preserve his 8 hours? Or ask him to help me for part of the night? Right now he’s been helping me from 10pm-4am by changing diapers and rocking back to sleep after he nurses.

Sweet Baby Jesus

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here me out. I am one of those “martyrs” who did all night time baby duties for my kids - I also have a more demanding job. I vividly recall the early days of having a baby and feeling like every decision was fraught and crucial and a harbinger of the future of my parenting and my marriage. Every decision from diaper type, pacifier or not, how to handle night feedings, sleep training, etc. I thought those decisions would set us down a specific path that foretold our future.
They didn’t. You can try stuff and adjust / change as needed. What works during maternity leave might not work when you go back. What works when the baby is in your room might not work once you move them to their own room. I did all the night feedings up to a year or so - and my husband does WAY more kid stuff now that they are preschool / elementary age. He packs lunches, plans ahead for spirit week, takes them to sports practice, makes teacher gifts, etc. He doesn’t do well with broken sleep, but he’s super engaged in ways most of my friends’ husbands aren’t. I also don’t remember the first 12-18 months of each kid being a stressful point in my marriage - and I think that is because we each leaned into our strengths and didn’t worry about making everything fair lest we set up some imbalance that would never get corrected.

+1

If you have a good foundation and good communication, you don’t have to stress about creating untenable expectations because you can just talk about it when circumstances change. Any man who thinks the division of labor will remain the same when his wife returns to work should be swiftly disabused of that notion. But that doesn’t mean it’s unreasonable fir the person on leave to do more nighttime heavy lifting, since they will have opportunities to catch up on sleep that the working spouse will not.