Should I excuse DH from nighttime duties?

[Anonymous]

I rarely woke DH up at night when I had a nursing baby. No changing diapers unless it was poopy, I’d just nurse until they baby is back to sleep and then set them back in the bassinet and I right back to sleep. No need for him to be awake to watch me breastfeed. We have 3 kids now, so he usually gets up with an older kid with a nightmare or potty situation and I deal with the baby.

This sort of thing is really hard for other people to decide for you. Are you able to nap while your mom comes to help? I can easily sleep till noon, but after I’m awake and have had coffee etc I can’t really fall asleep in the middle of the day. Do you really NEED help at night?

Why don’t you just try to let him sleep and then wake him up if you need him? If you’ve had two bad nights in a row and won’t be able to nap because you have to do something while your mom is there, then sure, it’s his turn to give a bottle or whatever. But if you have 6 hours of child care during the day and he is working, it seems like he could be getting a break on the middle of the night stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am going back to work when DS is 3.5 months old. I doubt he’ll be sleeping through the night by then (neither of us want to do Cry It Out) so I’m hearing the PPs who say, don’t let DH get out of the routine of night wake-ups because it’ll be hard to bring him back…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a way to split the night shift so you both get 5-6 hours uninterrupted sleep?

Not if she’s nursing.

She could pump and he could bottle feed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a way to split the night shift so you both get 5-6 hours uninterrupted sleep?

Not if she’s nursing.

She could pump and he could bottle feed

OP here. I hate pumping and my output was very low with my older child when pumping. So no desire to pump until I have to go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I did. Once DH went back to work I insisted he get sleep since I was off work for the whole year and breastfeeding.

And it’s ridiculous to say the husband won’t be involved again! Even during that year DH gave one pumped milk bottle every evening and did all the cooking! He’s really the default parent and has a schedule that allows him to pick DD up from preschool every day at 3. He also does drop off.

You had an entire year off. There were no more "nighttime wakeups" by the time you went back to work, so you never had to navigate the "ridiculous" scenario people are discussing.

NP here and I might be wrong but OP isn’t going back to work yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am going back to work when DS is 3.5 months old. I doubt he’ll be sleeping through the night by then (neither of us want to do Cry It Out) so I’m hearing the PPs who say, don’t let DH get out of the routine of night wake-ups because it’ll be hard to bring him back…

I’m assuming your husband is a reasonably intelligent human and not a trained dog so he’ll change when circumstances change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a way to split the night shift so you both get 5-6 hours uninterrupted sleep?

Not if she’s nursing.

She could pump and he could bottle feed

OP here. I hate pumping and my output was very low with my older child when pumping. So no desire to pump until I have to go back to work.

How did you split up duties with your older child? Is your husband asking to be let out of night duties? He might be fine with your current arrangement. My husband always got up and changed the babies before I nursed, regardless of who was back to work (staggered our leaves).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean he’s working, you’re not, and you have almost full time childcare during the day. Yes you should let him get sleep. This is a ridiculous only-in-DCUM scenario.

agree 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am going back to work when DS is 3.5 months old. I doubt he’ll be sleeping through the night by then (neither of us want to do Cry It Out) so I’m hearing the PPs who say, don’t let DH get out of the routine of night wake-ups because it’ll be hard to bring him back…

Please also notice the language of the PPs saying they just had to ask their husbands for help during regressions, etc. That's the language of "this task is clearly her job, he's doing something extra when he pitches in." That's the top of the slope you're on, and it's slippery AF.

[Anonymous]

I didn't really mind the overnight shift at that stage and my DH had a much harder time dealing with interrupted sleep, so I did most of the wake ups at that point (DH back at work, me still on maternity leave).

However, we definitely did not sleep in separate rooms. The baby was in our room with us and we both slept there unless someone was sick. Most nights, this meant I got up once or twice when the baby woke up to nurse, and unless I needed help with something (a bad diaper, or someone to calm the baby while I peed), only I got up. But having him near meant he knew if the night had been particularly rough, and he could step in or help me in other ways. It kept him in the loop even if I was doing probably 90% of the overnight work. I think if he'd been in another room it would have been too much separation and too much like we were just leading different lives and having different experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am going back to work when DS is 3.5 months old. I doubt he’ll be sleeping through the night by then (neither of us want to do Cry It Out) so I’m hearing the PPs who say, don’t let DH get out of the routine of night wake-ups because it’ll be hard to bring him back…

I’m assuming your husband is a reasonably intelligent human and not a trained dog so he’ll change when circumstances change.

Right? You don't have to exhaust both of you for 3.5 months just so DH can help when you go back to work. Isn't he capable of understanding the changing circumstances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am going back to work when DS is 3.5 months old. I doubt he’ll be sleeping through the night by then (neither of us want to do Cry It Out) so I’m hearing the PPs who say, don’t let DH get out of the routine of night wake-ups because it’ll be hard to bring him back…

I’m assuming your husband is a reasonably intelligent human and not a trained dog so he’ll change when circumstances change.

Right? You don't have to exhaust both of you for 3.5 months just so DH can help when you go back to work. Isn't he capable of understanding the changing circumstances?

+2 no reason not to give him a break now and make clear you’ll both be committed once you’re back at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH pressured me to excuse him from nighttime duties. “Better one person be exhausted at night instead of two” was his reasoning. I gave in, went crazy from exhaustion, he got mad at me for going crazy, and my resentment from that never really went away. Fun times!

Obviously in hindsight I would have done things differently.

Wow. What a jackass. Wonder if he would have felt the same if that “one person” was him and not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's should never be allowed to entirely abscond night duty unless they have a job where specifically being exhausted could be a physical danger (like truck driving or something).

Keep them as involved in the labor as mom from day 1 and then when your kids are 2/3/4/5/6/7 etc they will still be pulling equal weight.

DW's should never be allowed to entirely abscond income earning duty unless they are disabled.

Keep them involved in the labor market as dad from day 1 and when your kids are 2/3/4/5/6/7 etc they will still be pulling equal weight.

[Anonymous]

Depends on your need for sleep vs. his. My husband is useless at night. He is slow to wake and grumpy when he doesn’t sleep. I did all night wakings for both kids for 18 mo each. When I weaned them, I had him take over most of the time and by then it wasn't every night. In his defense, I have never washed a bottle or a pump part and he changed 80% of the poopy diapers.