Should I excuse DH from nighttime duties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean honestly, we all know this: there are plenty of dads who handle one feeding at night, go to work, come home at 6, then talk about how tired they are from waking up at night and proceed to sit on the couch while their wife handles the evening with the baby (after being alone with baby all day). Vs the husband who is rested from having slept the night before and is prepared to come home in the evening and take over for a few hours, put the baby in a carrier and make dinner while the mom relaxes.

I mean this is a possible scenario but not one that is born out by anything other than ancdata.

The tl;dr of this whole thread is, the degree to which you care about egalitarian parenting should inform your decision. Because what research does show is a men who do not do equal care for newborns continue not to do equal care for children. An equally plausible scenario to your well rested guy with the baby in a carrier is the guy who just says “the baby likes you more” when they don’t know how to soothe their six week old and “you’re just better at this” about their clingy 16MO.

But it’s also possible not to particularly care about egalitarian parenting, be happy being the primary parent, and be satisfied with “helping out” from DH. If someone (OP or otherwise) wants that they should just say that’s what they want and recognize that’s what their advice points to for outcomes.

No, that is not the "tl;dr" of this thread. Your smug and dimissive attitude suggests to me that you care more about political ideals than about the experiences of actual women.

Do you even have children? You sound like a 19 year old who just took a women's studies class.

I reject your premise that middle of the night feedings are "parenting" and everything else is just "helping out." I'm wondering what other rules you have for exactly what parents have to do, and exactly what time they have to do it, so that they can be "real parents" instead of "helpers."

And how does this apply to the postpartum period in families with multiple children? I'm having my third child in a month. While my husband is on paternity leave, he is going to be taking care of our two older children, taking care of the newborn at times during the day, doing all the cooking and cleaning. Are you saying none of that counts if he doesn't also do a middle of the night feeding? Are you suggesting that it's best for me and my other children if my husband does a middle of the night feeding and then rests during the day while I drag my tired, bleeding, postpartum body, with its accompanying roller coaster hormones, off the couch and take care of my older 2 children? Who, by the way, include a crazy 2 year old who requires a parent with energy and focus to take care of him. I don't see how that at all makes sense, but I guess that's what we would have to do, in the name of equality?

Since you aren’t the OP, none of this is about you, or your parenting, or your crazy two year old. You are a sample size of one. Actual research done over the long term has shown the connection between equal parenting in the newborn stage and long-term equality between parents. It was one of the underpinning studies to expanding paternity leave in the Nordic countries. Yes I have children but that’s also not relevant, nor is my age, nor is your name calling.

[Anonymous]

^^ well I think you are fear mongering based on social science research that doesn’t hold up to logical scrutiny and that doesn’t match many women’s actual experience, including several in this thread alone.

First of all, it’s undoubtedly based on correlation. Yes, it’s true that a man who refuses to do nighttime feedings in the newborn days is probably also going to refuse to comfort a toddler. It’s true that a man who refuses to take time off work for a new birth is probably not going to cover sick days for his elementary school children.

But that’s not OP’s situation, and she is allowed to decide what’s best for her family without a bully telling her she has to do things one exact way or her marriage and parenting arrangement is doomed. She says she hates pumping. You’re really comfortable recommending that a postpartum woman do something she hates?

“Research also shows” that breastfeeding leads to healthier, smarter babies. But we all know there are many good reasons not to breastfeed, and many women can report to you their babies turned out just fine on formula. Are you also going to use that breastfeeding research to tell a woman who hates breastfeeding that she has to do it? No, I’m sure you would acknowledge that women can make their own decisions and that there are many factors involved in the baby’s overall outcomes.

Furthermore, a husband who is willing to do nighttime feedings, but who decides with his wife that they’d rather divide up the labor another way, really isn’t missing out on key parenting skills. You know what you learn from comforting a newborn at night? You learn how to comfort a newborn at night. It’s totally different from comforting a toddler or an elementary schooler or a high schooler. Plenty of daycare workers and Nannie’s are excellent with children despite never having taken care of a newborn at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ well I think you are fear mongering based on social science research that doesn’t hold up to logical scrutiny and that doesn’t match many women’s actual experience, including several in this thread alone.

First of all, it’s undoubtedly based on correlation. Yes, it’s true that a man who refuses to do nighttime feedings in the newborn days is probably also going to refuse to comfort a toddler. It’s true that a man who refuses to take time off work for a new birth is probably not going to cover sick days for his elementary school children.

But that’s not OP’s situation, and she is allowed to decide what’s best for her family without a bully telling her she has to do things one exact way or her marriage and parenting arrangement is doomed. She says she hates pumping. You’re really comfortable recommending that a postpartum woman do something she hates?

“Research also shows” that breastfeeding leads to healthier, smarter babies. But we all know there are many good reasons not to breastfeed, and many women can report to you their babies turned out just fine on formula. Are you also going to use that breastfeeding research to tell a woman who hates breastfeeding that she has to do it? No, I’m sure you would acknowledge that women can make their own decisions and that there are many factors involved in the baby’s overall outcomes.

Furthermore, a husband who is willing to do nighttime feedings, but who decides with his wife that they’d rather divide up the labor another way, really isn’t missing out on key parenting skills. You know what you learn from comforting a newborn at night? You learn how to comfort a newborn at night. It’s totally different from comforting a toddler or an elementary schooler or a high schooler. Plenty of daycare workers and Nannie’s are excellent with children despite never having taken care of a newborn at night.

DP. Numerous people have said that getting hung up on the details is silly. The nighttime feeds aren’t the point, they are just a common symptom of the problem. If you and your husband worked hard to figure out how to even things out during the day and he was working to make up the difference then you’re really not what pp is concerned about. But women who take on all infant night work will benefit from understanding these common pitfalls that arise from that imbalance so they can nip the patterns in the bud before they are entrenched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is going back to work (from home) next week and I am fully recovered from giving birth to my 4 week old. My mom lives nearby and will continue coming over every day for 5-6 hours to give me relief from the baby (i.e., hold/play with him so I can sleep, bring him to me for nursing only). Should I tell DH to sleep in another room to preserve his 8 hours? Or ask him to help me for part of the night? Right now he’s been helping me from 10pm-4am by changing diapers and rocking back to sleep after he nurses.

Even I did, then again I cut my maternity leave short so I didn't have to preserve "their" sleep anymore. Once we're both back to work we split in shifts.