Should I excuse DH from nighttime duties?

[Anonymous]

DH is going back to work (from home) next week and I am fully recovered from giving birth to my 4 week old. My mom lives nearby and will continue coming over every day for 5-6 hours to give me relief from the baby (i.e., hold/play with him so I can sleep, bring him to me for nursing only). Should I tell DH to sleep in another room to preserve his 8 hours? Or ask him to help me for part of the night? Right now he’s been helping me from 10pm-4am by changing diapers and rocking back to sleep after he nurses.

[Anonymous]

DH's should never be allowed to entirely abscond night duty unless they have a job where specifically being exhausted could be a physical danger (like truck driving or something).

Keep them as involved in the labor as mom from day 1 and then when your kids are 2/3/4/5/6/7 etc they will still be pulling equal weight.

[Anonymous]

When my DH went back, I took the 1am shift and he took the 6am shift before he left. I’m naturally a night owl so I was up anyway, then I could usually sleep til 9-10am.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure some will say yes, and as lame as I feel it makes me to say this, I couldn’t be handled the overnights on my own, so I’d say no. The sleep deprivation was too much for me. He doesn’t get 8 hours while I’m practically having a nervous breakdown from lack of sleep. Fortunately my husband doesn’t have one of those jobs like truck driver or surgeon where lack of sleep could have fatal consequences, and he was more than happy to help. Anyway our house was so small there was no escaping the noise anyway.

[Anonymous]

DH pressured me to excuse him from nighttime duties. “Better one person be exhausted at night instead of two” was his reasoning. I gave in, went crazy from exhaustion, he got mad at me for going crazy, and my resentment from that never really went away. Fun times!

Obviously in hindsight I would have done things differently.

[Anonymous]

Yes if you are home On maternity leave and have help during the day and he’s working, he should be able to get a good night’s sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH pressured me to excuse him from nighttime duties. “Better one person be exhausted at night instead of two” was his reasoning. I gave in, went crazy from exhaustion, he got mad at me for going crazy, and my resentment from that never really went away. Fun times!

Obviously in hindsight I would have done things differently.

Just one more thing about this: it’s easy to say you’re going to catch up on sleep when somebody else is taking care of things. Sadly my circadian rhythm plus the post partum anxiety I developed from sleep deprivation didn’t let me do that. Yes I tried ear plugs and eye covers and I did doze sometimes. But Night was the only time I could really sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's should never be allowed to entirely abscond night duty unless they have a job where specifically being exhausted could be a physical danger (like truck driving or something).

Keep them as involved in the labor as mom from day 1 and then when your kids are 2/3/4/5/6/7 etc they will still be pulling equal weight.

+1 Split the night into early and late and let him pick. But he still needs to do some nighttime stuff. When you go back to work do you imagine he will be fine starting to wake up again after getting used to sleeping through the cries? No, he will not. It will be completely established as belonging to your pile of work, and you will suddenly be doing all the night work along with a job. And then the daytime childcare when you're both home will be split 50/50 if you're lucky. And it will all feel fair to him and breed resentment for you.

[Anonymous]

No, because he won’t ever start doing it again and once you go back to work you’ll be working and doing all the night stuff and the resentment will be horrible.

You don’t have to stick with the same routine forever - you can start having him give pumped bottles during one nighttime shift while you nurse during another for example. Or, come up with a routine that works for your family, but I don’t think dads should ever be excused from any one part of parenting just because they’re dads.

[Anonymous]

I mean he’s working, you’re not, and you have almost full time childcare during the day. Yes you should let him get sleep. This is a ridiculous only-in-DCUM scenario.

[Anonymous]

He can still help until midnight or after 6am (for the night owl or morning person).

I'm home with our 3rd so DH deals with the other kids at bedtime and getting ready for school while I manage the baby between 8pm and 8am but we still sleep in the same room and bed. He quickly adjusts to not hearing the baby. Most dads do, don't worry. But we both are still parents and can be woken to help it other or the other children.

When I go back to work, we'll have sleep trained by then but when any kid is sick or needs night time attention, we both are on call

[Anonymous]

Geez, then what exactly are you doing as a mother to your newborn? Yes, let him get a good nights sleep so he can function at work, from home, while you are asleep, at home.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on you and how demanding your baby is at night. Be realistic about your needs and capabilities. If you can handle the night time by yourself, it would be generous to do so. But if you can’t, it’s not wrong or excessive to ask your husband to help care for your baby. My first was down to one or two wake ups a night at four weeks, and I felt comfortable handling myself. My second was still up every 2 hours, so I asked my husband to help when I felt myself dragging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on you and how demanding your baby is at night. Be realistic about your needs and capabilities. If you can handle the night time by yourself, it would be generous to do so. But if you can’t, it’s not wrong or excessive to ask your husband to help care for your baby. My first was down to one or two wake ups a night at four weeks, and I felt comfortable handling myself. My second was still up every 2 hours, so I asked my husband to help when I felt myself dragging.

I’ve also never been able to “sleep while the baby sleeps” during the day. Sleep I miss at night is never made up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Should I tell DH to sleep in another room to preserve his 8 hours? Or ask him to help me for part of the night? Right now he’s been helping me from 10pm-4am by changing diapers and rocking back to sleep after he nurses.

Most couples split this. The dad helps between 10-12, or the dad is on duty all night Fri and Sat. You have a lot of help from your mom. In a few weeks, the nights might start to get easier anyway. You should consider PP's point about having your DH be uninvolved.