Should I excuse DH from nighttime duties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

I’ve noticed a lot of (white, American) people do this. Try to minimize how hard the newborn period can be for many new moms and pooh pooh those who want or need help. No wonder PPD is so common among this crowd!

But it works both ways! Of course the newborn period is hard, everyone struggles with some aspects of it. I’m a PPD survivor and I’d be the first person to tell you that the postpartum period is rough as hell, I didn’t get enough support, and people need to be more aware of this.

And yet, I also did nighttime wakeups and didn’t find them burdensome and it was the right choice for me. Sleep deprivation was not my particular issue. I actually liked my nighttime feeds and it was an aspect of new motherhood that felt peaceful and gave me uninterrupted time with my baby. I’m not pooh poohing anything when I say that. It was my experience. It doesn’t negate PP’s experience. It sounds like she had an aggressively unhelpful partner and that sounds like a nightmare. Nothing but empathy for her.

But OP has support (her mom coming daily for several hours, something I would have given anything for at that stage) and has not indicated she’s sleep deprived or struggling with wake ups. So she’s getting advice based on that.

It doesn’t help anyone to just NOT LISTEN to what they are saying, project all your own issues into them, call them liars, and then say you detest them because they had a different experience.

Your lack of nighttime rest absolutely was a factor in your PPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

The thing is the studies are clear that that “blip” sets lifetime parenting patterns. Men who don’t get up with their babies are men who don’t bathe their toddlers are men who haven’t the faintest clue what Susie’s teachers name is. So, OP, I would be guided by the actual research on this, not people who are absolute misogynists like the one saying women should not be allowed out of the workforce, or the ones giving themselves medals for how THEY did it all (because trust me, you will find so many of these magical people who did it all…bitter and divorced later). I would set the model for egalitarian parenting you want, and then I would implement it in a way that is compassionate to both of you. Maybe he goes to bed with the baby at eight because you napped until 2, and then you get the 10 and midnight wakeups and he goes “on” at 2am after he got a solid six hours?

DP. It’s not “egalitarian” for OP’s DH to do half the nighttime wakeups and then go to work all day while OP gets to catch up on sleep bc her mom is helping everyday for 6 hours! That’s just some weird situation where DH is being forced into exhaustion for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

The thing is the studies are clear that that “blip” sets lifetime parenting patterns. Men who don’t get up with their babies are men who don’t bathe their toddlers are men who haven’t the faintest clue what Susie’s teachers name is. So, OP, I would be guided by the actual research on this, not people who are absolute misogynists like the one saying women should not be allowed out of the workforce, or the ones giving themselves medals for how THEY did it all (because trust me, you will find so many of these magical people who did it all…bitter and divorced later). I would set the model for egalitarian parenting you want, and then I would implement it in a way that is compassionate to both of you. Maybe he goes to bed with the baby at eight because you napped until 2, and then you get the 10 and midnight wakeups and he goes “on” at 2am after he got a solid six hours?

Studies can show whatever they want. I did nighttime wakeups while on leave do my DH could sleep since he had to leave for the office at 7am. And several years later, he’s a full parenting partner. He does 90% of all baths, he reads to our child and takes her to the playground on his own multiple times a week. He does drop off/pick up twice a week. He splits cooking duties with me and does laundry. He not only knows our kid’s teachers names but he’s as likely as I am to be the person communicating with them about school stuff. And in the last month he’s taken on 100% of the childcare and house duties for days at a time when I was out of town for work and then dealing with a medical issue.

I get what you’re saying because I read those studies too, and agree that *in general* men don’t contribute enough at home. But also: no one knows my marriage like I do. I bristle at anyone who is going to tell me that a choice I made willingly was somehow bad for my marriage, which I know to be egalitarian because I’m in it, or that by making that choice I somehow set all women back. You can’t boil the historical inequality in parenting down to “who does night wakeups when the child is 0-6 months old?” It’s reductive in a ridiculous way.

I’m sure your marriage is fine, no need to bristle, my point is not about you. My point is, the OP is better off making this decision based on actual research then on anecdotes from women who are consciously or unconsciously patting themselves on the back for a behavior that is linked to higher rates of PPD, and then saying they have great husbands because once a month they take their kids for donuts. That is a Really High Bar to set for a mother and an Incredibly Low Bar to set for a man. So if OP prioritizes equality in her marriage she should consider behaviors that are statistically more likely to get her there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

I’ve noticed a lot of (white, American) people do this. Try to minimize how hard the newborn period can be for many new moms and pooh pooh those who want or need help. No wonder PPD is so common among this crowd!

But it works both ways! Of course the newborn period is hard, everyone struggles with some aspects of it. I’m a PPD survivor and I’d be the first person to tell you that the postpartum period is rough as hell, I didn’t get enough support, and people need to be more aware of this.

And yet, I also did nighttime wakeups and didn’t find them burdensome and it was the right choice for me. Sleep deprivation was not my particular issue. I actually liked my nighttime feeds and it was an aspect of new motherhood that felt peaceful and gave me uninterrupted time with my baby. I’m not pooh poohing anything when I say that. It was my experience. It doesn’t negate PP’s experience. It sounds like she had an aggressively unhelpful partner and that sounds like a nightmare. Nothing but empathy for her.

But OP has support (her mom coming daily for several hours, something I would have given anything for at that stage) and has not indicated she’s sleep deprived or struggling with wake ups. So she’s getting advice based on that.

It doesn’t help anyone to just NOT LISTEN to what they are saying, project all your own issues into them, call them liars, and then say you detest them because they had a different experience.

Your lack of nighttime rest absolutely was a factor in your PPD.

A cool thing to do is tell other women their lived experience is wrong and that they are incapable of understanding, but justify it with “feminism” and “caring about women.”

You don’t know sh!t about my PPD and you certainly don’t know more than me, my therapist, or my doctor. But go on trying to make me fit your agenda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

The thing is the studies are clear that that “blip” sets lifetime parenting patterns. Men who don’t get up with their babies are men who don’t bathe their toddlers are men who haven’t the faintest clue what Susie’s teachers name is. So, OP, I would be guided by the actual research on this, not people who are absolute misogynists like the one saying women should not be allowed out of the workforce, or the ones giving themselves medals for how THEY did it all (because trust me, you will find so many of these magical people who did it all…bitter and divorced later). I would set the model for egalitarian parenting you want, and then I would implement it in a way that is compassionate to both of you. Maybe he goes to bed with the baby at eight because you napped until 2, and then you get the 10 and midnight wakeups and he goes “on” at 2am after he got a solid six hours?

Studies can show whatever they want. I did nighttime wakeups while on leave do my DH could sleep since he had to leave for the office at 7am. And several years later, he’s a full parenting partner. He does 90% of all baths, he reads to our child and takes her to the playground on his own multiple times a week. He does drop off/pick up twice a week. He splits cooking duties with me and does laundry. He not only knows our kid’s teachers names but he’s as likely as I am to be the person communicating with them about school stuff. And in the last month he’s taken on 100% of the childcare and house duties for days at a time when I was out of town for work and then dealing with a medical issue.

I get what you’re saying because I read those studies too, and agree that *in general* men don’t contribute enough at home. But also: no one knows my marriage like I do. I bristle at anyone who is going to tell me that a choice I made willingly was somehow bad for my marriage, which I know to be egalitarian because I’m in it, or that by making that choice I somehow set all women back. You can’t boil the historical inequality in parenting down to “who does night wakeups when the child is 0-6 months old?” It’s reductive in a ridiculous way.

I’m sure your marriage is fine, no need to bristle, my point is not about you. My point is, the OP is better off making this decision based on actual research then on anecdotes from women who are consciously or unconsciously patting themselves on the back for a behavior that is linked to higher rates of PPD, and then saying they have great husbands because once a month they take their kids for donuts. That is a Really High Bar to set for a mother and an Incredibly Low Bar to set for a man. So if OP prioritizes equality in her marriage she should consider behaviors that are statistically more likely to get her there.

Or she could base her decision on her own marriage and experiences, using both statistical info AND anecdotal info from other women to help inform her choice. No one should blindly base extremely personal decisions on statistical data alone. For instance, statistically, getting pregnant when I did increased risk of both fetal abnormalities and maternal outcomes. But I still decided to do it, taking steps to mitigate both and accepting that some risk was worth the potential payoff of being a mom. And as a mom, I’ve often made decisions that were not “statistically indicated” but that were the right choice for me.

A person is not a statistical mean. We are all deviations of some kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:57, you’re right, it’s a blip in the scheme of things. Baby’s first year is a blip - mine is 12 now so trust me it’s all a blip. But that first year can be a really hard blip.

It sounds like your baby was on the easier side when it came to nighttime stuff. Mine was hell - he didn’t STTN reliably until he was over 2 years old. He was also later diagnosed with autism (so it wasn’t my failure, it’s just the way his brain is wired).

My ex refused to help with night duty after baby was 2 weeks old - and we didn’t even make it through the first year before separating. Thank god we did separate because that’s not the only issue we had, but I was made to feel like I was crazy for needing more support for nighttime parenting. I wasn’t, my baby was just hard.

So, you do you. But when someone asks if dad should be given a blank check on nighttime parenting duty, the answer is No. Everyone can come up with their own way of dividing the labor, but moms sleep is not less important than dads. Even during maternity leave - mom is still healing after all and NEEDS sleep in order to heal. Yes, some moms feel great post-birth. They still need rest to ward off PPD/PPA.

The thing is the studies are clear that that “blip” sets lifetime parenting patterns. Men who don’t get up with their babies are men who don’t bathe their toddlers are men who haven’t the faintest clue what Susie’s teachers name is. So, OP, I would be guided by the actual research on this, not people who are absolute misogynists like the one saying women should not be allowed out of the workforce, or the ones giving themselves medals for how THEY did it all (because trust me, you will find so many of these magical people who did it all…bitter and divorced later). I would set the model for egalitarian parenting you want, and then I would implement it in a way that is compassionate to both of you. Maybe he goes to bed with the baby at eight because you napped until 2, and then you get the 10 and midnight wakeups and he goes “on” at 2am after he got a solid six hours?

Studies can show whatever they want. I did nighttime wakeups while on leave do my DH could sleep since he had to leave for the office at 7am. And several years later, he’s a full parenting partner. He does 90% of all baths, he reads to our child and takes her to the playground on his own multiple times a week. He does drop off/pick up twice a week. He splits cooking duties with me and does laundry. He not only knows our kid’s teachers names but he’s as likely as I am to be the person communicating with them about school stuff. And in the last month he’s taken on 100% of the childcare and house duties for days at a time when I was out of town for work and then dealing with a medical issue.

I get what you’re saying because I read those studies too, and agree that *in general* men don’t contribute enough at home. But also: no one knows my marriage like I do. I bristle at anyone who is going to tell me that a choice I made willingly was somehow bad for my marriage, which I know to be egalitarian because I’m in it, or that by making that choice I somehow set all women back. You can’t boil the historical inequality in parenting down to “who does night wakeups when the child is 0-6 months old?” It’s reductive in a ridiculous way.

I’m sure your marriage is fine, no need to bristle, my point is not about you. My point is, the OP is better off making this decision based on actual research then on anecdotes from women who are consciously or unconsciously patting themselves on the back for a behavior that is linked to higher rates of PPD, and then saying they have great husbands because once a month they take their kids for donuts. That is a Really High Bar to set for a mother and an Incredibly Low Bar to set for a man. So if OP prioritizes equality in her marriage she should consider behaviors that are statistically more likely to get her there.

Or she could base her decision on her own marriage and experiences, using both statistical info AND anecdotal info from other women to help inform her choice. No one should blindly base extremely personal decisions on statistical data alone. For instance, statistically, getting pregnant when I did increased risk of both fetal abnormalities and maternal outcomes. But I still decided to do it, taking steps to mitigate both and accepting that some risk was worth the potential payoff of being a mom. And as a mom, I’ve often made decisions that were not “statistically indicated” but that were the right choice for me.

A person is not a statistical mean. We are all deviations of some kind.

Absolutely. But look at the “anecdata” on this thread. We have someone screaming that women shouldn’t be allowed to leave paid work. We have someone saying that OP literally isn’t mothering her child. We have people advocating behavior that— while they may have worked for them— are irrefutably linked to PPA and PPD. It’s a bit like saying everyone should drive drunk because I drove drunk and didn’t kill anyone. There’s actual data to help the OP make this decision, and that data (luckily) is free from the social pressure on women to “do it all”.

[Anonymous]

Sorry one other thing (I’m the poster above) OP the one thing my DH and I were super careful about was the person driving the baby got the longest stretch of sleep. So no matter how you ultimately divide this, on days when the baby has a pediatrician visit (seems like they are every day…) or there is other driving, that parent needs to have slept a decent block. A car accident is *actually* the biggest statistical risk to your baby so keep it in mind when you’re figuring this out.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I split night time while he was on leave. Once he returned, I did nights and he took the baby in the morning so I could get some rest. When I went back to work at 12 weeks, we had a night nurse. DC was consistently sleeping through the night by 3.5/4 months.

My DH is crap on no sleep and has an intense job (he works in finance). This worked for us, but bet your ass I didn’t tell anyone - I knew the judgment would be intense and swift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I split night time while he was on leave. Once he returned, I did nights and he took the baby in the morning so I could get some rest. When I went back to work at 12 weeks, we had a night nurse. DC was consistently sleeping through the night by 3.5/4 months.

My DH is crap on no sleep and has an intense job (he works in finance). This worked for us, but bet your ass I didn’t tell anyone - I knew the judgment would be intense and swift.

And rightly so!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I split night time while he was on leave. Once he returned, I did nights and he took the baby in the morning so I could get some rest. When I went back to work at 12 weeks, we had a night nurse. DC was consistently sleeping through the night by 3.5/4 months.

My DH is crap on no sleep and has an intense job (he works in finance). This worked for us, but bet your ass I didn’t tell anyone - I knew the judgment would be intense and swift.

And rightly so!

Before this thread, the idea that people would judge and criticize someone for a decision as personal and variable as how to handle night wakings without an infant would have sounded silly to me. “Oh come on, I know women can be hard on each other, especially about motherhood, but that’s really snd truly no one else’s business. Whatever works! I’m sure most women agree with that.”

I apologize. Women can be such total effing d!ces to each other. Do we even need men to oppress us? Seems like we’re doing a great job making life, and especially motherhood, just completely miserable and untenable all on our own. Jfc.

[Anonymous]

My husband is our sole breadwinner so yeah him being able to function at his highly demanding job is paramount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry one other thing (I’m the poster above) OP the one thing my DH and I were super careful about was the person driving the baby got the longest stretch of sleep. So no matter how you ultimately divide this, on days when the baby has a pediatrician visit (seems like they are every day…) or there is other driving, that parent needs to have slept a decent block. A car accident is *actually* the biggest statistical risk to your baby so keep it in mind when you’re figuring this out.

In that case, why not just have DH always be the rested one so there’s one safe driver in the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry one other thing (I’m the poster above) OP the one thing my DH and I were super careful about was the person driving the baby got the longest stretch of sleep. So no matter how you ultimately divide this, on days when the baby has a pediatrician visit (seems like they are every day…) or there is other driving, that parent needs to have slept a decent block. A car accident is *actually* the biggest statistical risk to your baby so keep it in mind when you’re figuring this out.

In that case, why not just have DH always be the rested one so there’s one safe driver in the house?

because if husband is at work he can’t drive the baby to the ped.

[Anonymous]

Depends on you, your DH, and your baby. We had a chill first baby. She was still up overnight but I was nursing so it didn’t make sense for him to be up (because I’d have to be up anyway to feed) when he needed to be functional and I just needed to sit around and spend time with my baby. It really wasn’t hard. If you’re nursing you also have hormones to get you through this that he doesn’t have. When my second was born, he took over much more with our toddler.

[Anonymous]

If you have 5-6 hours of help during the day, I’d say your DH deserves a full night sleep so he can keep his job.