Should I excuse DH from nighttime duties?

[Anonymous]

We split, so that my spouse was taking one wake up a night. He is more of a morning person and naturally prefers to go to bed earlier, so I handled wakeups until 2, and he handled them afterwards. That way both of us got a solid block of sleep every night. Because I knew I would be going back to work, and because I knew I was at high risk for PPD, and because it was important to us both that he be fully involved in his kid's care. And now I have a spouse who can easily and independently and competently take care of our kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We split, so that my spouse was taking one wake up a night. He is more of a morning person and naturally prefers to go to bed earlier, so I handled wakeups until 2, and he handled them afterwards. That way both of us got a solid block of sleep every night. Because I knew I would be going back to work, and because I knew I was at high risk for PPD, and because it was important to us both that he be fully involved in his kid's care. And now I have a spouse who can easily and independently and competently take care of our kid.

I don't know why people act like when you pick up the slack and things are uneven in some parts of your relationship, that they become totally inept forever and will never do their share. IMO OP's DH is doing his share by continuing to work during this time. OP picks up the slack with the baby at night. This doesn't mean he becomes a manchild who is unable to care for his baby. You don't need to train men like dogs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry one other thing (I’m the poster above) OP the one thing my DH and I were super careful about was the person driving the baby got the longest stretch of sleep. So no matter how you ultimately divide this, on days when the baby has a pediatrician visit (seems like they are every day…) or there is other driving, that parent needs to have slept a decent block. A car accident is *actually* the biggest statistical risk to your baby so keep it in mind when you’re figuring this out.

In that case, why not just have DH always be the rested one so there’s one safe driver in the house?

That works if he drives the baby to every appointment, does all the errands with the baby in the daytime, etc. It’s unusual that someone goes back to work and then still is the only driver of the baby but if that’s how they did it I wouldn’t raise an eyebrow (it’s the same argument as the truck driver or surgeon just about the baby’s safety).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We split, so that my spouse was taking one wake up a night. He is more of a morning person and naturally prefers to go to bed earlier, so I handled wakeups until 2, and he handled them afterwards. That way both of us got a solid block of sleep every night. Because I knew I would be going back to work, and because I knew I was at high risk for PPD, and because it was important to us both that he be fully involved in his kid's care. And now I have a spouse who can easily and independently and competently take care of our kid.

I don't know why people act like when you pick up the slack and things are uneven in some parts of your relationship, that they become totally inept forever and will never do their share. IMO OP's DH is doing his share by continuing to work during this time. OP picks up the slack with the baby at night. This doesn't mean he becomes a manchild who is unable to care for his baby. You don't need to train men like dogs.

I have never heard it said that a mother is doing her share who works and then doesn’t also care for her child but maybe I’m too new at this.

[Anonymous]

This has probably already been said, but once you excuse your husband from childcare so he can work, that's putting you down the road of being the primary parent. Maybe that's what you want, but it's something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We split, so that my spouse was taking one wake up a night. He is more of a morning person and naturally prefers to go to bed earlier, so I handled wakeups until 2, and he handled them afterwards. That way both of us got a solid block of sleep every night. Because I knew I would be going back to work, and because I knew I was at high risk for PPD, and because it was important to us both that he be fully involved in his kid's care. And now I have a spouse who can easily and independently and competently take care of our kid.

I don't know why people act like when you pick up the slack and things are uneven in some parts of your relationship, that they become totally inept forever and will never do their share. IMO OP's DH is doing his share by continuing to work during this time. OP picks up the slack with the baby at night. This doesn't mean he becomes a manchild who is unable to care for his baby. You don't need to train men like dogs.

I have never heard it said that a mother is doing her share who works and then doesn’t also care for her child but maybe I’m too new at this.

Don’t be obtuse. If a working mother had a SAH parent, she wouldn’t be expected to do nighttime duty. OP is SAH while on leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has probably already been said, but once you excuse your husband from childcare so he can work, that's putting you down the road of being the primary parent. Maybe that's what you want, but it's something to think about.

“Excusing him from childcare” is now “taking a break from night duty”? The mental gymnastics on you people. Are you in a partnership or a bean counting expedition?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has probably already been said, but once you excuse your husband from childcare so he can work, that's putting you down the road of being the primary parent. Maybe that's what you want, but it's something to think about.

“Excusing him from childcare” is now “taking a break from night duty”? The mental gymnastics on you people. Are you in a partnership or a bean counting expedition?

I'm guessing you're responding to the wrong comment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is our sole breadwinner so yeah him being able to function at his highly demanding job is paramount.

How refreshingly 1950s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I split night time while he was on leave. Once he returned, I did nights and he took the baby in the morning so I could get some rest. When I went back to work at 12 weeks, we had a night nurse. DC was consistently sleeping through the night by 3.5/4 months.

My DH is crap on no sleep and has an intense job (he works in finance). This worked for us, but bet your ass I didn’t tell anyone - I knew the judgment would be intense and swift.

And rightly so!

Before this thread, the idea that people would judge and criticize someone for a decision as personal and variable as how to handle night wakings without an infant would have sounded silly to me. “Oh come on, I know women can be hard on each other, especially about motherhood, but that’s really snd truly no one else’s business. Whatever works! I’m sure most women agree with that.”

I apologize. Women can be such total effing d!ces to each other. Do we even need men to oppress us? Seems like we’re doing a great job making life, and especially motherhood, just completely miserable and untenable all on our own. Jfc.

PP and this is pretty much how I feel. My fear isn’t my husband being a true partner in raising our child - it’s the constant judgment from other women about what they think makes sense for other people. I think that’s why this thread hits a nerve. Check out SM or a mommy’s group, and you’ll hear women praising their husbands for being equal partners. Check out this board and you hear an opposite story. Women are basically encouraged to tell falsehoods to avoid judgment/escape the black and white thinking from other women.

And I’ve found that the women who are most adamant about a perfectly equal split all the time tend to be far and away the primary career/income in the family. So are you really that progressive? You’re still allocating household work based on career demands which seems to be what everyone else is doing too.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I split night feedings even after he went back to work. I agree with PPs that, if you let him reduce childcare now, it will set a bad precedent where you will be the primary caregiver. My thought is that we both decided to have a child - and parenting is a full time day job too so it made sense for us to split nights.

[Anonymous]

OP you didn’t say in your first post whether he asked Ron or do nights. If I had said to my husband “don’t do nights when you go back” (he went back 10wks before I did) his response would have been “so I won’t see the baby all day, and then I won’t see the baby all night?” because he actually wanted to, you know, care for his child. If your DH asked for this, that’s more worrying than you kindly offering, though I still think the data is on the side of remaining equal partners.

[Anonymous]

Yes, for us, generally, once my husband went back to work, I handled the night duty on my own. But a few factors:

1) My husband and I both take 12 weeks parental leave, we do two weeks together at the beginning, then I do 10 alone, then he does 10 alone. So, whoever is on leave takes on all/most of the nighttime duty, but there's no risk of falling into me being the primary parent because 10 weeks later, he has to do it too.
2) My kids never did any of that crazy "nursing every 45 minutes all night" stuff you hear about sometimes. The most they ever did at night after the first two weeks was three feedings, always a solid 2.5-3 hours apart, so I could at least get an hour or two of sleep between each feeding. If you've got a baby who is routinely up all night, that's a different story, he's going to need to pitch in or you'll lose your mind.
3) I am an excellent napper, so I was always able to sleep when the baby slept during the day.
4) We sleep train and night wean (with a dreamfeed) early, at 4-5 months. Between that and our staggered leaves, that means that no one is routinely getting up with a baby in the night and going to work. If you aren't into early sleep training, and some degree of night duty + work will be inevitable for one or both of you, best to set that up as "both" right from jump. Though in splitting up the night, the fact that you can nap and he has to work should factor in (ie, I don't think the night should be split evenly if you're home during the day).

But, most importantly:

5) When I ended up diagnosed with PPD towards the end of my second maternity leave, he started chipping in on the overnights - I was nursing and down to only one feeding (plus a dreamfeed), so there was some limit to how much I could pump and have ready, but he was doing 2-3 nights a week of overnights because I needed sleep for my (quickly eroding) sanity. If you are having any mental health issues, that completely changes the math.

At the end of the day, it's about figuring out what balance works for your family, your baby and your particular needs and situation, but a strong eye on fairness at this stage will help you out moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I split night time while he was on leave. Once he returned, I did nights and he took the baby in the morning so I could get some rest. When I went back to work at 12 weeks, we had a night nurse. DC was consistently sleeping through the night by 3.5/4 months.

My DH is crap on no sleep and has an intense job (he works in finance). This worked for us, but bet your ass I didn’t tell anyone - I knew the judgment would be intense and swift.

And rightly so!

Before this thread, the idea that people would judge and criticize someone for a decision as personal and variable as how to handle night wakings without an infant would have sounded silly to me. “Oh come on, I know women can be hard on each other, especially about motherhood, but that’s really snd truly no one else’s business. Whatever works! I’m sure most women agree with that.”

I apologize. Women can be such total effing d!ces to each other. Do we even need men to oppress us? Seems like we’re doing a great job making life, and especially motherhood, just completely miserable and untenable all on our own. Jfc.

PP and this is pretty much how I feel. My fear isn’t my husband being a true partner in raising our child - it’s the constant judgment from other women about what they think makes sense for other people. I think that’s why this thread hits a nerve. Check out SM or a mommy’s group, and you’ll hear women praising their husbands for being equal partners. Check out this board and you hear an opposite story. Women are basically encouraged to tell falsehoods to avoid judgment/escape the black and white thinking from other women.

And I’ve found that the women who are most adamant about a perfectly equal split all the time tend to be far and away the primary career/income in the family. So are you really that progressive? You’re still allocating household work based on career demands which seems to be what everyone else is doing too.

LOL whut? If a woman is the primary earner and the parents split everything 50/50, that's the same as if a man is the primary earner and the woman does 80/20? Tell me you've internalized some real bs about gender and parenting without telling me you've internalized some real bs about gender and parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I split night time while he was on leave. Once he returned, I did nights and he took the baby in the morning so I could get some rest. When I went back to work at 12 weeks, we had a night nurse. DC was consistently sleeping through the night by 3.5/4 months.

My DH is crap on no sleep and has an intense job (he works in finance). This worked for us, but bet your ass I didn’t tell anyone - I knew the judgment would be intense and swift.

And rightly so!

Before this thread, the idea that people would judge and criticize someone for a decision as personal and variable as how to handle night wakings without an infant would have sounded silly to me. “Oh come on, I know women can be hard on each other, especially about motherhood, but that’s really snd truly no one else’s business. Whatever works! I’m sure most women agree with that.”

I apologize. Women can be such total effing d!ces to each other. Do we even need men to oppress us? Seems like we’re doing a great job making life, and especially motherhood, just completely miserable and untenable all on our own. Jfc.

PP and this is pretty much how I feel. My fear isn’t my husband being a true partner in raising our child - it’s the constant judgment from other women about what they think makes sense for other people. I think that’s why this thread hits a nerve. Check out SM or a mommy’s group, and you’ll hear women praising their husbands for being equal partners. Check out this board and you hear an opposite story. Women are basically encouraged to tell falsehoods to avoid judgment/escape the black and white thinking from other women.

And I’ve found that the women who are most adamant about a perfectly equal split all the time tend to be far and away the primary career/income in the family. So are you really that progressive? You’re still allocating household work based on career demands which seems to be what everyone else is doing too.

LOL whut? If a woman is the primary earner and the parents split everything 50/50, that's the same as if a man is the primary earner and the woman does 80/20? Tell me you've internalized some real bs about gender and parenting without telling me you've internalized some real bs about gender and parenting.

+1 to the above

Also my husband makes more than me and still does 50/50 so am I “progressive” because the gender wage gap applies to our household?! I don’t get it.