Counselor telling us to end it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Run and get a lawyer NOW.
Pull out 1/2 of what’s in joint accounts. Take him off joint credit cards.
If joint money has been paying the mortgage and you obviously have kids together, you have some recourse.

Also, get a private detective. I would bet money he’s cheating.
Even if VA splits 50/50- sometimes the judge will give more to one party.
Get your financial records. Any thing he spends for an affair, circle it to get back.

I hope anyone reading your post understands that doing most of these things will put you in hot water with the judge and actually hurt you.

Without question, the thing to do is to leave all combined assets alone and then each of you will get permission to use marital assets to pay your lawyers. If you remove martial assets, the judge will see that as an attempt to thwart the process, even if DH is a jackass

DP from above, not the one you're responding to. OP should not clear out accounts but OP can at a minimum ensure she has some assets in her own name, solo. Many people have zero in their own individual names.

And a departing spouse clearing out accounts is a real thing. It would damage him with the court, of course, but it also would deprive the other spouse of greatly needed funds at a critical time.

OP, get an attorney immediately to advise you on this stuff especially the very short-term money issues re: accounts, mortgage, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On our 2nd session with a marriage counselor over the phone. First time we both do counseling and she straight out tells us we should just end it. I explained that I feel he lies a lot and I know he wants out but that I want to work on it. She tell us to separate for 3 days and come back on Friday and we should make a decision. My husband loved the idea and is already checking out apartments and telling me he is putting the house on the market and that I better take the dog or he will take him to the pound. I'm sitting here with my kids completely in shock. The counselor was supposed to help us and my husband is acting like this is over because someone that has known us for 2 hours said so. The 3 days were supposed to make him realize that he wanted to make this work. He is also telling me he can put the house on the market without my permission because he bought it before we were married. I'm just in shock. He heard exactly what he wanted and is acting like he got a doctors note to get out of this marriage. I'm not even sure if he will be on the call on Friday. I just can't believe that after just 2 sessions this person can make such a determination without realizing the impact. We have a sick child and I had a miscarriage a few months ago, yet she gave my husband the okay to leave without knowing the whole story.

You're really misplacing the blame here. Your husband wanted out all along. The three days were never going to make him realize that he wanted this to work, because he doesn't. Nothing that counselor said was going to change his mind. And she's not making him do anything he isn't already eager to do. I think it's fine to tell the counselor that you think she could have handled it better, but it's not her fault he's leaving.

[Anonymous]

This counselor sounds like a quack. They can’t gather that much info about the two of you and the marriage in 1-2 sessions. I’ve seen therapists do more harm than good. We had a particularly awful one that set our marriage back and couldn’t see through spouse. We both look back now and think “wtf” was that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is ditching his family, ready to sell the house tonight, and you’re here fixating on a counselor?

Wake up, OP. Your husband is a jackass. Time to regroup and make a new plan. It’s over.

+1

Goodness OP re-read what you wrote. He literally told you he doesn’t want to work on it. You can’t make him and no counselor or therapist can persuade him. When someone tells you who they are and what they want you must listen. Otherwise you are torturing yourself. I’m really really sorry. This would be so hurtful and I assume you’re probably in a state of shock. Your husband sucks - not the counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave him with the kids. Hurry before he leaves first.

What? Why?

To Give him a little taste of single parenting during 50/50 custody.
But really just to wipe off the smirk that I imagine is on his face thinking about his new life in his new apartment.

Um no. The first person to abandon ship hurts their custody case.

I see this posted here frequently, but is it really true? I thought judges were extremely unlikely to do anything other than 50/50 these days, assuming both parents want custody.

If OP’s husband doesn’t want custody, a court can’t force him to take the kids, and it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to do so anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave him with the kids. Hurry before he leaves first.

What? Why?

To Give him a little taste of single parenting during 50/50 custody.
But really just to wipe off the smirk that I imagine is on his face thinking about his new life in his new apartment.

I am curious why you think he needs “a little taste.” Men in these situations know full well what parenting kids solo is like and eagerly anticipate it. Your post seems to suggest he wouldn’t be able to handle it and would come groveling back to keep the marriage intact. That is a weird kind of deiusion based on the flawed premise that a man can’t handle it or wouldn’t want to.

Riiiight.
And who would even want a loser like him to come groveling back? I think OP should just go have a little fun before it hits the fan.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have walked your path. That counselor didn’t convince your husband that you should divorce; she encouraged your husband to show his true colors. She saved you weeks or months of marriage purgatory. She spared you desperate attempts to reinvigorate your sex life that you would regret after he left anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - If you go through with the call on Friday you NEED to tell the counselor that you feel she was unprofessional - she was! No counselor should ever tell a client what to do, especially something so drastic in only the second session. It usually takes 3-4 sessions to get to know someone.

I do recommend seeing a lawyer based on your DH's behavior.

Also, i recommend later getting individual counseling later. Find a counselor that you trust and who will help you get over the betrayal and build a life on your own terms (not people pleasing or denying reality).

I'm sorry, and GL!

All of this. While your husband is indeed a grade A jerk, the PP is right that the counselor was extremely unprofessional. You need to say so. While it's true that both parties have to want to work on a marriage, your counselor could not remotely have known enough about you, your DH, and your marriage to have told you a course of specific action in the second-ever session.

PP is also right re: getting a lawyer, immediately. And sadly you do need to do as others have noted and protect yourself financially ensuring he cannot just clean out accounts suddenly and go. It may cost you but get a lawyer with experience finding assets and fighting for more than 50-50 custody.

Is your child "sick" as in just ill at the moment, or sick as in chronically and/or seriously ill? That ALONE is a gigantic stressor on a marriage. If the latter, your DH may have checked out long ago if he was unable/unwilling to handle the stress of a chronically and/or seriously ill child. I'm so sorry. Only you know if there have been other signs all along that he did not want to parent a sick child. If your child has a chronic issue you will need VERY good lawyering to ensure your child gets the money he or she needs for ongoing care, maybe lifetime care (?), OP.

I had the same questions regarding your child, OP. Get a lawyer with experience with families with SN or disabled children. As the parent of SN kids, I can tell you that you have no idea how expensive and time-consuming it can be to get them the services they need. It sounds like your husband isn't going to help with this so your best bet might be to try to get custody and have him pay for supports. Keep in mind that they might need very expensive therapies, after-school sitters if mainstream aftercare won't work for them (very common), tutors, private schools specializing in specific SN, moving to be close to the kid's school, etc.

Also, I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Please heed some pp's advice and wake up to the fact that your husband wants out. Stop focusing on trying to keep him and focus on fighting to get what's best for you and your child. You need at least a consultation with a good lawyer with this specialized experience in divorce with SN/disabled kids. Hugs to you and your child.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate the advice. Disappointed that he doesn't want to work on our marriage since I feel the majority of the tension comes from having a child with health issues and my own health. He likely spoke with the counselor without me since he found her and booked her and got her to side with him. I just feel betrayed and tricked into counseling when his agenda was to leave. Now he is saying that he is leaving (or kicking me out) because a trained professional told us to separate. The counselor doesn't even know about the health issues, we never got there. We're okay financially but that won't last with double the expenses. He paid for the mortgage but I paid for everything else including all food, groceries and kid activities, but somehow now its not my house.

[Anonymous]

Why would you want to be with someone who so desperately wants to leave you? This is a husband problem, not a therapist problem.

I am sorry you are going through this, but better days are ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the advice. Disappointed that he doesn't want to work on our marriage since I feel the majority of the tension comes from having a child with health issues and my own health. He likely spoke with the counselor without me since he found her and booked her and got her to side with him. I just feel betrayed and tricked into counseling when his agenda was to leave. Now he is saying that he is leaving (or kicking me out) because a trained professional told us to separate. The counselor doesn't even know about the health issues, we never got there. We're okay financially but that won't last with double the expenses. He paid for the mortgage but I paid for everything else including all food, groceries and kid activities, but somehow now its not my house.

It is not the therapist's fault. He never wanted to work on it. He was always going to leave. Now you know. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Run and get a lawyer NOW.
Pull out 1/2 of what’s in joint accounts. Take him off joint credit cards.
If joint money has been paying the mortgage and you obviously have kids together, you have some recourse.

Also, get a private detective. I would bet money he’s cheating.
Even if VA splits 50/50- sometimes the judge will give more to one party.
Get your financial records. Any thing he spends for an affair, circle it to get back.

I hope anyone reading your post understands that doing most of these things will put you in hot water with the judge and actually hurt you.

Without question, the thing to do is to leave all combined assets alone and then each of you will get permission to use marital assets to pay your lawyers. If you remove martial assets, the judge will see that as an attempt to thwart the process, even if DH is a jackass

DP from above, not the one you're responding to. OP should not clear out accounts but OP can at a minimum ensure she has some assets in her own name, solo. Many people have zero in their own individual names.

And a departing spouse clearing out accounts is a real thing. It would damage him with the court, of course, but it also would deprive the other spouse of greatly needed funds at a critical time.

OP, get an attorney immediately to advise you on this stuff especially the very short-term money issues re: accounts, mortgage, etc.

Absolutely do not touch marital assets. That needs to be worked out legally. Get the account statements though. Yes, get your own account if you don't have one. See an attorney. Also, see if you can do mediation or collaborative divorce. However, you need an attorney consult on your own first to have an idea of how much equity of the house you are entitled to since you lived there during the marriage (but since he bought it before he will have more).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the advice. Disappointed that he doesn't want to work on our marriage since I feel the majority of the tension comes from having a child with health issues and my own health. He likely spoke with the counselor without me since he found her and booked her and got her to side with him. I just feel betrayed and tricked into counseling when his agenda was to leave. Now he is saying that he is leaving (or kicking me out) because a trained professional told us to separate. The counselor doesn't even know about the health issues, we never got there. We're okay financially but that won't last with double the expenses. He paid for the mortgage but I paid for everything else including all food, groceries and kid activities, but somehow now its not my house.

He paid the mortgage with marital money. You need an attorney to see how much equity you would get from the sale of the house, or if he wants to keep it, he will need to buy you would need to buy you out of 1/2 the marital portion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the only piece of advice you should listen to on this thread is to get a lawyer STAT. Do nothing else -- NOTHING -- without doing that first.

Listen to this person.

Also, anyone who would even consider dumping a dog out of spite should be kicked to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the advice. Disappointed that he doesn't want to work on our marriage since I feel the majority of the tension comes from having a child with health issues and my own health. He likely spoke with the counselor without me since he found her and booked her and got her to side with him. I just feel betrayed and tricked into counseling when his agenda was to leave. Now he is saying that he is leaving (or kicking me out) because a trained professional told us to separate. The counselor doesn't even know about the health issues, we never got there. We're okay financially but that won't last with double the expenses. He paid for the mortgage but I paid for everything else including all food, groceries and kid activities, but somehow now its not my house.

He paid the mortgage with marital money. You need an attorney to see how much equity you would get from the sale of the house, or if he wants to keep it, he will need to buy you would need to buy you out of 1/2 the marital portion.

+1. You should consult an attorney, but paying the mortgage from his salary does not make it his. If he had an inheritance / separate account from before marriage, maintained it entirely separately and paid the mortgage from that account, then that might be another story.