Counselor telling us to end it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On our 2nd session with a marriage counselor over the phone. First time we both do counseling and she straight out tells us we should just end it. I explained that I feel he lies a lot and I know he wants out but that I want to work on it. She tell us to separate for 3 days and come back on Friday and we should make a decision. My husband loved the idea and is already checking out apartments and telling me he is putting the house on the market and that I better take the dog or he will take him to the pound. I'm sitting here with my kids completely in shock. The counselor was supposed to help us and my husband is acting like this is over because someone that has known us for 2 hours said so. The 3 days were supposed to make him realize that he wanted to make this work. He is also telling me he can put the house on the market without my permission because he bought it before we were married. I'm just in shock. He heard exactly what he wanted and is acting like he got a doctors note to get out of this marriage. I'm not even sure if he will be on the call on Friday. I just can't believe that after just 2 sessions this person can make such a determination without realizing the impact. We have a sick child and I had a miscarriage a few months ago, yet she gave my husband the okay to leave without knowing the whole story.

OP, I mean this kindly, but WAKE THE HELL UP! This man told you he wanted to leave and counseling wasn't going to fix that. You wanted to go to counseling so the counselor would take your side and make your husband fix everything and you could stay together. HE DOESN"T WANT TO BE MARRIED ANYMORE and counseling wasn't going to fix that. you are wasting precious time and energy fixating on the counselor and living in denial. STOP IT!. I know it hurts, but you need to stop. Contact a lawyer tomorrow and get the facts, know your rights about the house and the dog. GET TOUGH. This sucks it's hard, but you will get through this and be better for it, and I promise you someday you will be sending this counselor a bottle of champagne.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like pure trash. I know it's scary but you should be glad to let him move out. Let him go. You stay in the house with the kids.

She can't, he bought the home prior to the marriage.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm sorry your husband checked out of the marriage, likely a long time ago. I think staying living together would still hurt too..
After this, when you heal, you will find a man one day who treasures you, and you will be happier than ever.

This is bad advice. You absolutely can stay in the home pending a separation agreement and possibly until divorce. If you have been legally married, even if he owned the home prior to marriage, as long as he has been paying the mortgage with income earned during the marriage, or he and you together have been paying the mortgage, then you have some marital equity in the home if it has increased in value since you were married.

Please listen to another PP who told you to get a lawyer ASAP and do not move out of the house without a legal agreement reviewed by your attorney.

[Anonymous]

This was me, except I was the one who wanted out. Marriage counselor fired us on our second or third visit because it can’t work if one person is done. She was right, all the counseling in the world wouldn’t have made me change my mind (despite what I wanted to believe).

Get a good attorney and don’t listen to what he says. Men getting divorced say all kinds of crazy things about what they will and won’t get, most of it is manipulative lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Joint care of the dog. The dog goes where the kids are each switch. Looking for an apartment that allows pets is more challenging. A challenge you both should have. Look at sharing the pet costs as well.

He'd probably dump the dog when it was at his place.

Then he can have fun doing it in front of the kids and she can document it.

You can’t force him to take the dog. Dogs are considered property, it would be like if she tried to force him to take something like a couch. You can’t do it if he doesn’t want it.

The dog is the least of OP’s worries right now. She needs to get an attorney and quit playing nice.

[Anonymous]

Like another poster stated, it takes TWO to want a marriage to succeed and if both are not in agreement in salvaging the marriage then it will just automatically break.

I know you wanted counseling for both you + your husband hoping that you would be able to save your union.
However it is very clear to me that your husband is one and done and there was probably not much the counselor could do about his feelings.

Plus, why would you want to work on salvaging your union w/someone who would leave you w/out a roof over your head??
Just by his actions, his true colors show that this man is a heartless rat.

Be grateful the counselor is telling you two to go your separate ways.
She is actually doing you a great favor in the long run…..

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. This would be devastating. You said he lies. The counsellor saw through him and gave him an avenue to simply say what he wants, even though you aren't ready to hear it or acknowledge it.

He wants out. Take the kids and the dog and go start your new life. It would be a hard thing to do and possibly you need another therapist just for you for this stage.

[Anonymous]

2348 sorry forgot to add, get a lawyer asap.

[Anonymous]

If you love something let it go, if it comes back it’s yours for sure. I know this is scary and detestation good, but you can get through this one day at a time. See about antidepressants to manage the stress and give home space.

[Anonymous]

OP - the therapist suggested you separate for 3 days. She can’t force either of you to do anything. She didn’t him to sell the house, or to even divorce. Her words could have been a wake up call to both of you - wow, we really want to stay together. But your Dh - not the therapist - decided he doesn’t want to.

I know it’s a shock - but this isn’t about a bad therapist - it’s about a dude who wants to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Run and get a lawyer NOW.
Pull out 1/2 of what’s in joint accounts. Take him off joint credit cards.
If joint money has been paying the mortgage and you obviously have kids together, you have some recourse.

Also, get a private detective. I would bet money he’s cheating.
Even if VA splits 50/50- sometimes the judge will give more to one party.
Get your financial records. Any thing he spends for an affair, circle it to get back.

I hope anyone reading your post understands that doing most of these things will put you in hot water with the judge and actually hurt you.

Without question, the thing to do is to leave all combined assets alone and then each of you will get permission to use marital assets to pay your lawyers. If you remove martial assets, the judge will see that as an attempt to thwart the process, even if DH is a jackass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On our 2nd session with a marriage counselor over the phone. First time we both do counseling and she straight out tells us we should just end it. I explained that I feel he lies a lot and I know he wants out but that I want to work on it. She tell us to separate for 3 days and come back on Friday and we should make a decision. My husband loved the idea and is already checking out apartments and telling me he is putting the house on the market and that I better take the dog or he will take him to the pound. I'm sitting here with my kids completely in shock. The counselor was supposed to help us and my husband is acting like this is over because someone that has known us for 2 hours said so. The 3 days were supposed to make him realize that he wanted to make this work. He is also telling me he can put the house on the market without my permission because he bought it before we were married. I'm just in shock. He heard exactly what he wanted and is acting like he got a doctors note to get out of this marriage. I'm not even sure if he will be on the call on Friday. I just can't believe that after just 2 sessions this person can make such a determination without realizing the impact. We have a sick child and I had a miscarriage a few months ago, yet she gave my husband the okay to leave without knowing the whole story.

The vast majority of marriage counselors exist only as a stepping stone to separation and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave him with the kids. Hurry before he leaves first.

What? Why?

To Give him a little taste of single parenting during 50/50 custody.
But really just to wipe off the smirk that I imagine is on his face thinking about his new life in his new apartment.

I am curious why you think he needs “a little taste.” Men in these situations know full well what parenting kids solo is like and eagerly anticipate it. Your post seems to suggest he wouldn’t be able to handle it and would come groveling back to keep the marriage intact. That is a weird kind of deiusion based on the flawed premise that a man can’t handle it or wouldn’t want to.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is already seeing someone.

I’m so sorry.

I am on the flip side. I have a spouse that arranged the counseling and is doing everything inside and out to make the marriage work and the therapists keep saying what a great relationship we have and how much commitment and change they see with my husband and I can’t get there. My trust is gone.

Sometimes a spouse can do everything and I just isn’t enough for the other one.

There isn’t much you can do which is frustrating and heart breaking. Sometimes people do change their minds after being out there for awhile, but you can’t bank on that.

[Anonymous]

That’s a terrible therapist, but she didn’t precipitate your separation - there was no saving it, because your DH was already out the door. It would’ve happened anyway. And your DH sounds like an awful human being; I’m sure you have your reasons for clinging to the marriage but it’s hard to fathom. I wouldn’t want to sit next to a guy like that on an airplane for an hour, let alone be married to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - If you go through with the call on Friday you NEED to tell the counselor that you feel she was unprofessional - she was! No counselor should ever tell a client what to do, especially something so drastic in only the second session. It usually takes 3-4 sessions to get to know someone.

I do recommend seeing a lawyer based on your DH's behavior.

Also, i recommend later getting individual counseling later. Find a counselor that you trust and who will help you get over the betrayal and build a life on your own terms (not people pleasing or denying reality).

I'm sorry, and GL!

All of this. While your husband is indeed a grade A jerk, the PP is right that the counselor was extremely unprofessional. You need to say so. While it's true that both parties have to want to work on a marriage, your counselor could not remotely have known enough about you, your DH, and your marriage to have told you a course of specific action in the second-ever session.

PP is also right re: getting a lawyer, immediately. And sadly you do need to do as others have noted and protect yourself financially ensuring he cannot just clean out accounts suddenly and go. It may cost you but get a lawyer with experience finding assets and fighting for more than 50-50 custody.

Is your child "sick" as in just ill at the moment, or sick as in chronically and/or seriously ill? That ALONE is a gigantic stressor on a marriage. If the latter, your DH may have checked out long ago if he was unable/unwilling to handle the stress of a chronically and/or seriously ill child. I'm so sorry. Only you know if there have been other signs all along that he did not want to parent a sick child. If your child has a chronic issue you will need VERY good lawyering to ensure your child gets the money he or she needs for ongoing care, maybe lifetime care (?), OP.