What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I ran into this poster before. The topic was adoption, and the poster's position was that adoption is wonderful and in no way traumatizing to adoptees. Similar types of argument. The biggest similarity is: would not let go, kept going through tens of pages, all day long, as if arguing forever would make her right. Pretended to be an army of posters but obviously was only one. Anyway, I gave up about 20 pages ago on his thread. This isn't normal.

WT actual F. I’m probably the pp you’re complaining about. I have absolutely no idea what that adoption thread was about and I certainly never participated on it. Ask the moderator.

Your problem is fantasizing about other posters and fabricating imaginary narratives that satisfy some psychological need you have. From OP to me with undoubtedly lots of stops in between to obsess about other random DCUMers. You pursue us all across dozens of pages and then pretend innocence. Please seek help.

^^ I see you think I’ve been on some breast-feeding post too. No. Ask the moderator. You’re absolutely insane.

Someone is a bit exercised!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I ran into this poster before. The topic was adoption, and the poster's position was that adoption is wonderful and in no way traumatizing to adoptees. Similar types of argument. The biggest similarity is: would not let go, kept going through tens of pages, all day long, as if arguing forever would make her right. Pretended to be an army of posters but obviously was only one. Anyway, I gave up about 20 pages ago on his thread. This isn't normal.

WT actual F. I’m probably the pp you’re complaining about. I have absolutely no idea what that adoption thread was about and I certainly never participated on it. Ask the moderator.

Your problem is fantasizing about other posters and fabricating imaginary narratives that satisfy some psychological need you have. From OP to me with undoubtedly lots of stops in between to obsess about other random DCUMers. You pursue us all across dozens of pages and then pretend innocence. Please seek help.

^^ I see you think I’ve been on some breast-feeding post too. No. Ask the moderator. You’re absolutely insane.

Someone is a bit exercised!

Maybe it's a robot!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

NP here, but thank you for this.

I am adult now with kids of my own, but was the difficult child in a large, religious homeschooling family. Your comment oversimplifies the nuance and complexity of intergenerational and religious trauma/toxic patterns, but it’s nice to hear someone who gets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

NP here, but thank you for this.

I am adult now with kids of my own, but was the difficult child in a large, religious homeschooling family. Your comment oversimplifies the nuance and complexity of intergenerational and religious trauma/toxic patterns, but it’s nice to hear someone who gets it.

Has your life been difficult as an adult? Did you figure out why you where difficult as a kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

NP here, but thank you for this.

I am adult now with kids of my own, but was the difficult child in a large, religious homeschooling family. Your comment oversimplifies the nuance and complexity of intergenerational and religious trauma/toxic patterns, but it’s nice to hear someone who gets it.

Original pp. I get it because I was that difficult child. There's an interesting twist in my religious background (Catholicism) in that I clinged to my faith with my whole heart, but realized early on that my family (and many Catholics) act one way in Church and were pretty much hypocrites in their personal lives. I tried to get my family to live the values we were taught in Church and was beaten for it. I lost my faith in religion and my family and have understood that I was on my own from a very tender age. While I love my family, there is nothing they can do for me, nor can they relate to me or I to them. I live an ethical life and I value my children. They know, without question, they are loved. Dh and I have never struck, nor yelled at them. They are future adults and we want them to be confident people with self esteem and not be burdened with unearned guilt and shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

NP here, but thank you for this.

I am adult now with kids of my own, but was the difficult child in a large, religious homeschooling family. Your comment oversimplifies the nuance and complexity of intergenerational and religious trauma/toxic patterns, but it’s nice to hear someone who gets it.

Has your life been difficult as an adult? Did you figure out why you where difficult as a kid?

Most likely, pp was aware of the familial dysfunction and attempted to bring order to chaos. No child is capable of or responsible for that. Perhaps they were the family scapegoat. Perhaps pp couldn't go along with the bs and was labelled "difficult". Whatever the case, parents ought to love their kids unconditionally and many of us "difficult" kids were not bestowed that grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I’m struck by you saying you tried to give him the childhood you wanted as a kid. Also struck by you saying his attempts to work through these things are causing you to feel down. There’s a lot of you in there, and not a lot of him.

I have to own my parenting mistakes, my anxiety, my unresolved issues. It’s most helpful for me to focus on changing myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

NP here, but thank you for this.

I am adult now with kids of my own, but was the difficult child in a large, religious homeschooling family. Your comment oversimplifies the nuance and complexity of intergenerational and religious trauma/toxic patterns, but it’s nice to hear someone who gets it.

Has your life been difficult as an adult? Did you figure out why you where difficult as a kid?

Yes and no. Way too complicated to get into on a forum.

But I will say that it’s taking some work to understand that it wasn’t that I was difficult. As I child I was who I was. The difficulty came from the mismatch between my needs and what my family could offer. That reality made it difficult for my mom which made it difficult for me. And so a pattern began. Or rather continued from her parents and their parents, etc.

In my better moments I can peacefully accept the truth that she did her best, but her best wasn’t good enough. But in the tougher moments I revert back to the old emotional patterns. As we all do, really. Just us “difficult” ones usually feel things more intensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I’m struck by you saying you tried to give him the childhood you wanted as a kid. Also struck by you saying his attempts to work through these things are causing you to feel down. There’s a lot of you in there, and not a lot of him.

I have to own my parenting mistakes, my anxiety, my unresolved issues. It’s most helpful for me to focus on changing myself.

OP is venting anonymously about her feelings. You have no idea what she says to her son or to her therapist. Can’t a person just vent once in a while?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I’m struck by you saying you tried to give him the childhood you wanted as a kid. Also struck by you saying his attempts to work through these things are causing you to feel down. There’s a lot of you in there, and not a lot of him.

I have to own my parenting mistakes, my anxiety, my unresolved issues. It’s most helpful for me to focus on changing myself.

OP is venting anonymously about her feelings. You have no idea what she says to her son or to her therapist. Can’t a person just vent once in a while?

not on an anonymous advice board, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I’m struck by you saying you tried to give him the childhood you wanted as a kid. Also struck by you saying his attempts to work through these things are causing you to feel down. There’s a lot of you in there, and not a lot of him.

I have to own my parenting mistakes, my anxiety, my unresolved issues. It’s most helpful for me to focus on changing myself.

OP is venting anonymously about her feelings. You have no idea what she says to her son or to her therapist. Can’t a person just vent once in a while?

The subject line of her post begins, “What do you do…” so I assumed she was asking what we do. Because that’s the title of the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you comment on this thread please list how many kids you have raised. And their ages so we can understand your experience or lack of it.

Five kids. 32 (married with a child), 29 (married with a child), 27 (single), 25 (engaged), 20 (in college). Great relationships with all five. Two of them are in therapy. One is a military officer with PTSD. The other has struggled with anxiety and an eating disorder.

I posted earlier that I would apologize for anything I might have done to contribute to their hurt. And I would remind them over and over again that I love them unconditionally and that nothing could ever change that.

I was certainly far from a perfect parent. I did the best I could with the knowledge and experience I had at the time. I made mistakes along the way, of course. I would openly acknowledge any hurt I caused and apologize. I would also ask what I could do to help in the healing process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I’m struck by you saying you tried to give him the childhood you wanted as a kid. Also struck by you saying his attempts to work through these things are causing you to feel down. There’s a lot of you in there, and not a lot of him.

I have to own my parenting mistakes, my anxiety, my unresolved issues. It’s most helpful for me to focus on changing myself.

You just don't get it. I'm glad he is working on understanding himself. But when he says I have these problems now because of you, it's like a grown man, coming to his parents with a broken arm and saying - fix it, you let me ride a skateboard when I was a kid and I have a broken arm because of it, now I'm hurt and it's your fault, you fix it and pay for your mistake of letting me have a skateboard. If your grown kids have problems that they blame on your mistakes, your anxiety and your unresolved issues you will feel pretty shitty about it. When it's the past, it's the past and can't be undone. You can't undo your mistakes, anxiety or issues from the past. Everyone must live in the here and now as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I’m struck by you saying you tried to give him the childhood you wanted as a kid. Also struck by you saying his attempts to work through these things are causing you to feel down. There’s a lot of you in there, and not a lot of him.

I have to own my parenting mistakes, my anxiety, my unresolved issues. It’s most helpful for me to focus on changing myself.

You just don't get it. I'm glad he is working on understanding himself. But when he says I have these problems now because of you, it's like a grown man, coming to his parents with a broken arm and saying - fix it, you let me ride a skateboard when I was a kid and I have a broken arm because of it, now I'm hurt and it's your fault, you fix it and pay for your mistake of letting me have a skateboard. If your grown kids have problems that they blame on your mistakes, your anxiety and your unresolved issues you will feel pretty shitty about it. When it's the past, it's the past and can't be undone. You can't undo your mistakes, anxiety or issues from the past. Everyone must live in the here and now as adults.

Are you the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I’m struck by you saying you tried to give him the childhood you wanted as a kid. Also struck by you saying his attempts to work through these things are causing you to feel down. There’s a lot of you in there, and not a lot of him.

I have to own my parenting mistakes, my anxiety, my unresolved issues. It’s most helpful for me to focus on changing myself.

You just don't get it. I'm glad he is working on understanding himself. But when he says I have these problems now because of you, it's like a grown man, coming to his parents with a broken arm and saying - fix it, you let me ride a skateboard when I was a kid and I have a broken arm because of it, now I'm hurt and it's your fault, you fix it and pay for your mistake of letting me have a skateboard. If your grown kids have problems that they blame on your mistakes, your anxiety and your unresolved issues you will feel pretty shitty about it. When it's the past, it's the past and can't be undone. You can't undo your mistakes, anxiety or issues from the past. Everyone must live in the here and now as adults.

As an adult, you can acknowledge your kid's feelings and apologize.