Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.[/quote]

I’m struck by you saying you tried to give him the childhood you wanted as a kid. Also struck by you saying his attempts to work through these things are causing you to feel down. There’s a lot of you in there, and not a lot of him.

I have to own my parenting mistakes, my anxiety, my unresolved issues. It’s most helpful for me to focus on changing myself. [/quote]

You just don't get it. I'm glad he is working on understanding himself. But when he says I have these problems now because of you, it's like a grown man, coming to his parents with a broken arm and saying - fix it, you let me ride a skateboard when I was a kid and I have a broken arm because of it, now I'm hurt and it's your fault, you fix it and pay for your mistake of letting me have a skateboard.  If your grown kids have problems that they blame on your mistakes, your anxiety and your unresolved issues you will feel pretty shitty about it. When it's the past, it's the past and can't be undone. You can't undo your mistakes, anxiety or issues from the past. Everyone must live in the here and now as adults.[/quote]

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