Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.[/quote]

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. [b]He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off.[/b]  If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.[/quote]

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.[/quote]

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.[/quote]

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.[/quote]

NP here, but thank you for this.

I am adult now with kids of my own, but was the difficult child in a large, religious homeschooling family. Your comment oversimplifies the nuance and complexity of intergenerational and religious trauma/toxic patterns, but it’s nice to hear someone who gets it. [/quote]

Original pp. I get it because I was that difficult child. There's an interesting twist in my religious background (Catholicism) in that I clinged to my faith with my whole heart, but realized early on that my family (and many Catholics) act one way in Church and were pretty much hypocrites in their personal lives. I tried to get my family to live the values we were taught in Church and was beaten for it. I lost my faith in religion and my family and have understood that I was on my own from a very tender age. While I love my family, there is nothing they can do for me, nor can they relate to me or I to them. I live an ethical life and I value my children. They know, without question, they are loved. Dh and I have never struck, nor yelled at them. They are future adults and we want them to be confident people with self esteem and not be burdened with unearned guilt and shame.[/quote]

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