Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do). I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him. I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that. I have too much respect for my husband. He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do. You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years. Why in 10 years? If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her. Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now. I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc. Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that? This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years. This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).

You don't know the question I'm asking? Can you read?

I'm not telling you about kids, if she works, etc. It's not relevant to the subject and I'm not giving you more information to dissect. I'm glad you don't have to deal with a H who refuses you, especially with your higher libido. I'm happy for you but I'll also say, I don't think you have any idea what you would do if it came to that. I know your heart bleeds for my poor, suffering, clueless wife but it's a waste of feelings. Even she wouldn't care. Yes I know, it's so unfair that I cheat on her. I couldn't care less. It's so unfair of her to pull sex off the table and refuse to even discuss it. So here we are.

"...why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her." Let her find someone else? I don't have her chained down. I'll "let her" do whatever she wants at this point in her young (although I never said she was young, or me) life. If she thinks she can land another man who will be happy to have a sexless relationship, she is free to go. I know they are out there.
I'm not stopping her. Really, I'm not. And yes, I must acknowledge this is DCUM so really, it's just me she doesn't want to have sex with because I'm such a ____. I'm sure if she gets with another man, she will find her libido and rock his world. Either way, she is free to go. She isn't trapped by the usual circumstances and I won't try to stop her. She is in this marriage because she wants to be and as long as I no longer bring up sex, she is content.

As for unfair because I don't tell her I'm cheating. Yes, I do that for my own selfish reasons but it's not totally unfair and it's not like I haven't told her anything. I've told her very clearly in words I know she understands, and not as a threat but just to be fair to her. I've told her I do not accept being in a sexless marriage and if she doesn't even want to discuss it, we don't have a future together. I told her that as kindly as possible many times. And it's not like I went out and cheated the next day once I told her. It was at least another two years of trying to talk to her before I gave up all hope of her caring how I felt about this or what it means to our marriage. So feel sorry for her if you like. She's in the marriage she wants, the way she wants it. Except for the part where I don't tell her how I'm meeting my needs for physical affection. I doubt she even wants to know.

For all of you who insist that I must tell her, I'll make you a deal. Should she ever care enough to ask, I will tell her with no hesitation. If she ever cares enough to raise the subject, I'll tell her exactly where things stand with me and then, as you say, she can make her own decisions about her future with or without me. But until then, I'm going to indulge her wish to remain in denial about our reality.

You're being obtuse. I have higher libido than my husband now (not always the case) but it's not that he's adjusted. It's somewhat similar to your situation but I will not cheat on my husband. I'm in your situation but I CHOOSE to do the right thing. It's a character issue.

So it's "somewhat similar to your situation" while at the same time, nothing like my situation at all because you are having sex with your spouse, and I'm not so please don't pretend to tell me you know what you would do in my situation. You aren't there.

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your wife that sexlessness is an important enough issue for you to want to divorce or cheat? If she doesn't understand that, you have not communicated effectively. Of course she doesn't want to go look for someone else right now because she doesn't know that you are cheating and are looking to divorce her at the right time. Once she knows that information from you clearly (that I will divorce you or am cheating if we don't have sex), she will determine whether she will stay with you and open the marriage or divorce. If you communicate to her the way you communicate on here, it's easy to see how you twist things for your benefit and not the direct truth.

Yes, several times and I communicate with her very clearly. It's almost insane to think that any spouse needs that explained to them, but I have.

Anonymous wrote:
Again, the issue is why not divorce rather than cheat on her? Repeat from above: This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out). Again, everything else you've posted hasn't led to any more clarity of this issue.

It's not really THE ISSUE. You just want to make it the issue. I've done my best to "explain the mindset of a cheater." Then you take my replies and project all kinds of things with no basis for doing so like, "they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind." Please don't tell me my reality and truth when you have no idea what you are talking about. This isn't one of the many posts of division of labor in a marriage, or SAHM versus career woman, or anything else except me explaining why I cheat. You haven't a clue about any else that I haven't told you.

[Anonymous]

Hah I like how everyone is blaming the man.. always. He can do no right in this. Typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get upset when anyone brings up kids and are clearly compartmentalizing there. That doesn’t work in real life because you are cheating on your DW and kids, and putting their family stability at risk. When this blows up - and it almost always does, as much as you believe you have perfected how to cheat - it will destroy your kids, too.

Haha, you think I'm upset? There isn't a single thing said in this thread that upsets me in the least. It's just a dumb forum where I've tried, oh I've tried so hard, to answer the original question posed by the OP. I couldn't care less what any of you strangers think of me or what I do. Your unsolicited advice doesn't mean a thing to me.

I understand where the man is coming from in this. It's pretty simple. His DW cut off sex, so he's found that elsewhere.

The other posters seem to have no understanding of this. They have some massive chip on their shoulder.

They just pretend to not understand but really, they get it. You would have to be really dense to need this explained to you. There are a lot of men reading and just shaking their head who wouldn't bother to post. They are like, dude, why are you bothering to argue with these harpies? The ones with a real chip on their shoulder are married women who don't like me holding up a mirror to see the reality of their own situation. Only a real A$$hole of a man would behave like me. Not your average man. Certainly her husband would never give a thought to cheating, just because she cut him off from sex. It just can't happen in their perfect marriage. And if it happened to her, she would do the right thing and wait until her divorce was final before looking for any new D. Yeah....rigghht. Trust me, they all get what I'm saying. I'm not a lonely voice in this explaining sexual dynamics in marriage for the first time. They've heard it all before and in at least 100 other posts on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Big character flaw and who knows what psychological problems.

He should talk to his wife like an adult. Along these lines: "Listen us not having sex isn't healthy or normal. We need to go to counseling, or fix the problem."

I'm betting his wife has another take, so together they may find out what the problem is. It may not be sex. It may be something else and lack of sex is merely the symptom. For many women it's often resentment. Maybe he's cheated before, and maybe she's known all along what he's about. Who knows.

Last he needs to be upfront, he'll seek female companionship if she has no inclination to work on the problem. The result being a divorce. Which would be better than pp lying, cheating and living a sick double life.

Ho Lee Fuk, did you just join the discussion on this page, or have you been reading along for the last 30 pages or so as I've said at least a dozen times now how I've done just that? For years.

Anonymous wrote:Then tell her your going to a lawyer and have papers drawn up since she doesn't want to be a "couple".

Follow through and see what she does.

Or how about I don't, and just continue to manage things my own way? I didn't ask anyone for advice on how to handle my marriage. None of your advice is worth anything to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hah I like how everyone is blaming the man.. always. He can do no right in this. Typical.

I don't mind. It is a woman's board so it's to be expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get upset when anyone brings up kids and are clearly compartmentalizing there. That doesn’t work in real life because you are cheating on your DW and kids, and putting their family stability at risk. When this blows up - and it almost always does, as much as you believe you have perfected how to cheat - it will destroy your kids, too.

Haha, you think I'm upset? There isn't a single thing said in this thread that upsets me in the least. It's just a dumb forum where I've tried, oh I've tried so hard, to answer the original question posed by the OP. I couldn't care less what any of you strangers think of me or what I do. Your unsolicited advice doesn't mean a thing to me.

I understand where the man is coming from in this. It's pretty simple. His DW cut off sex, so he's found that elsewhere.

The other posters seem to have no understanding of this. They have some massive chip on their shoulder.

They just pretend to not understand but really, they get it. You would have to be really dense to need this explained to you. There are a lot of men reading and just shaking their head who wouldn't bother to post. They are like, dude, why are you bothering to argue with these harpies? The ones with a real chip on their shoulder are married women who don't like me holding up a mirror to see the reality of their own situation. Only a real A$$hole of a man would behave like me. Not your average man. Certainly her husband would never give a thought to cheating, just because she cut him off from sex. It just can't happen in their perfect marriage. And if it happened to her, she would do the right thing and wait until her divorce was final before looking for any new D. Yeah....rigghht. Trust me, they all get what I'm saying. I'm not a lonely voice in this explaining sexual dynamics in marriage for the first time. They've heard it all before and in at least 100 other posts on this board.

Man here and I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get upset when anyone brings up kids and are clearly compartmentalizing there. That doesn’t work in real life because you are cheating on your DW and kids, and putting their family stability at risk. When this blows up - and it almost always does, as much as you believe you have perfected how to cheat - it will destroy your kids, too.

Haha, you think I'm upset? There isn't a single thing said in this thread that upsets me in the least. It's just a dumb forum where I've tried, oh I've tried so hard, to answer the original question posed by the OP. I couldn't care less what any of you strangers think of me or what I do. Your unsolicited advice doesn't mean a thing to me.

I understand where the man is coming from in this. It's pretty simple. His DW cut off sex, so he's found that elsewhere.

The other posters seem to have no understanding of this. They have some massive chip on their shoulder.

They just pretend to not understand but really, they get it. You would have to be really dense to need this explained to you. There are a lot of men reading and just shaking their head who wouldn't bother to post. They are like, dude, why are you bothering to argue with these harpies? The ones with a real chip on their shoulder are married women who don't like me holding up a mirror to see the reality of their own situation. Only a real A$$hole of a man would behave like me. Not your average man. Certainly her husband would never give a thought to cheating, just because she cut him off from sex. It just can't happen in their perfect marriage. And if it happened to her, she would do the right thing and wait until her divorce was final before looking for any new D. Yeah....rigghht. Trust me, they all get what I'm saying. I'm not a lonely voice in this explaining sexual dynamics in marriage for the first time. They've heard it all before and in at least 100 other posts on this board.

Listen, I’m the woman who’s in a situation similar to yours and I don’t cheat. You discount this because it doesn’t fit yours and some other men’s narrative. The problem is that there’s a solution (divorce) and you still cheat. What part of selfishness do you not get when you say you’ll think about divorcing in 10 years or so. You think your kids are not affected by any of this. Let me tell you that you’ll be raising boys who will be like you and will want to model you: it’s ok to be selfish in a relationship, drip with contempt and disrespect for women they marry. You didn’t answer my earlier questions about not divorcing your wife when kids leave for college. You dismissed those questions. If you or any of the other men on here are so unhappy with their spouse, divorce them. At least show respect for someone you once cared for, mother of your kids. No one is binding you to this situation. Do at least one right thing for your wife and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get upset when anyone brings up kids and are clearly compartmentalizing there. That doesn’t work in real life because you are cheating on your DW and kids, and putting their family stability at risk. When this blows up - and it almost always does, as much as you believe you have perfected how to cheat - it will destroy your kids, too.

Haha, you think I'm upset? There isn't a single thing said in this thread that upsets me in the least. It's just a dumb forum where I've tried, oh I've tried so hard, to answer the original question posed by the OP. I couldn't care less what any of you strangers think of me or what I do. Your unsolicited advice doesn't mean a thing to me.

I understand where the man is coming from in this. It's pretty simple. His DW cut off sex, so he's found that elsewhere.

The other posters seem to have no understanding of this. They have some massive chip on their shoulder.

They just pretend to not understand but really, they get it. You would have to be really dense to need this explained to you. There are a lot of men reading and just shaking their head who wouldn't bother to post. They are like, dude, why are you bothering to argue with these harpies? The ones with a real chip on their shoulder are married women who don't like me holding up a mirror to see the reality of their own situation. Only a real A$$hole of a man would behave like me. Not your average man. Certainly her husband would never give a thought to cheating, just because she cut him off from sex. It just can't happen in their perfect marriage. And if it happened to her, she would do the right thing and wait until her divorce was final before looking for any new D. Yeah....rigghht. Trust me, they all get what I'm saying. I'm not a lonely voice in this explaining sexual dynamics in marriage for the first time. They've heard it all before and in at least 100 other posts on this board.

Listen, I’m the woman who’s in a situation similar to yours and I don’t cheat. You discount this because it doesn’t fit yours and some other men’s narrative. The problem is that there’s a solution (divorce) and you still cheat. What part of selfishness do you not get when you say you’ll think about divorcing in 10 years or so. You think your kids are not affected by any of this. Let me tell you that you’ll be raising boys who will be like you and will want to model you: it’s ok to be selfish in a relationship, drip with contempt and disrespect for women they marry. You didn’t answer my earlier questions about not divorcing your wife when kids leave for college. You dismissed those questions. If you or any of the other men on here are so unhappy with their spouse, divorce them. At least show respect for someone you once cared for, mother of your kids. No one is binding you to this situation. Do at least one right thing for your wife and kids.

Celibacy is not an option for normal men. Glad that it works for you, though. Anyone in a sexless marriage is not "cheating" they are saving their marriage from certain divorce by meeting their normal sexual needs elsewhere. The sexless wife and kids all benefit from this marriage staying together, which is only possible by having sex elsewhere,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get upset when anyone brings up kids and are clearly compartmentalizing there. That doesn’t work in real life because you are cheating on your DW and kids, and putting their family stability at risk. When this blows up - and it almost always does, as much as you believe you have perfected how to cheat - it will destroy your kids, too.

Haha, you think I'm upset? There isn't a single thing said in this thread that upsets me in the least. It's just a dumb forum where I've tried, oh I've tried so hard, to answer the original question posed by the OP. I couldn't care less what any of you strangers think of me or what I do. Your unsolicited advice doesn't mean a thing to me.

I understand where the man is coming from in this. It's pretty simple. His DW cut off sex, so he's found that elsewhere.

The other posters seem to have no understanding of this. They have some massive chip on their shoulder.

They just pretend to not understand but really, they get it. You would have to be really dense to need this explained to you. There are a lot of men reading and just shaking their head who wouldn't bother to post. They are like, dude, why are you bothering to argue with these harpies? The ones with a real chip on their shoulder are married women who don't like me holding up a mirror to see the reality of their own situation. Only a real A$$hole of a man would behave like me. Not your average man. Certainly her husband would never give a thought to cheating, just because she cut him off from sex. It just can't happen in their perfect marriage. And if it happened to her, she would do the right thing and wait until her divorce was final before looking for any new D. Yeah....rigghht. Trust me, they all get what I'm saying. I'm not a lonely voice in this explaining sexual dynamics in marriage for the first time. They've heard it all before and in at least 100 other posts on this board.

Listen, I’m the woman who’s in a situation similar to yours and I don’t cheat. You discount this because it doesn’t fit yours and some other men’s narrative. The problem is that there’s a solution (divorce) and you still cheat. What part of selfishness do you not get when you say you’ll think about divorcing in 10 years or so. You think your kids are not affected by any of this. Let me tell you that you’ll be raising boys who will be like you and will want to model you: it’s ok to be selfish in a relationship, drip with contempt and disrespect for women they marry. You didn’t answer my earlier questions about not divorcing your wife when kids leave for college. You dismissed those questions. If you or any of the other men on here are so unhappy with their spouse, divorce them. At least show respect for someone you once cared for, mother of your kids. No one is binding you to this situation. Do at least one right thing for your wife and kids.

Celibacy is not an option for normal men. Glad that it works for you, though. Anyone in a sexless marriage is not "cheating" they are saving their marriage from certain divorce by meeting their normal sexual needs elsewhere. The sexless wife and kids all benefit from this marriage staying together, which is only possible by having sex elsewhere,

Again, divorce is your friend. Why do you go on a rant on sexlessness when you don’t have to suffer if you get a divorce? This is what makes you selfish and a narc. Just go find someone younger and new who will love having sex with you. Give your wife respect and a chance for a future that she doesn’t have with you. You’ve got one foot out the door whether you realize it or not. Do your wife a favor and divorce her even if it is not the right time for you.

[Anonymous]

Celibacy is not an option for normal men. Glad that it works for you, though. Anyone in a sexless marriage is not "cheating" they are saving their marriage from certain divorce by meeting their normal sexual needs elsewhere. The sexless wife and kids all benefit from this marriage staying together, which is only possible by having sex elsewhere,

You ruin just about every thread with your tired story. I so wish Jeff would block you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Celibacy is not an option for normal men. Glad that it works for you, though. Anyone in a sexless marriage is not "cheating" they are saving their marriage from certain divorce by meeting their normal sexual needs elsewhere. The sexless wife and kids all benefit from this marriage staying together, which is only possible by having sex elsewhere,

You ruin just about every thread with your tired story. I so wish Jeff would block you.

This post sounds entirely appropriate to the subject thread. Maybe you should stick to different thread topics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get upset when anyone brings up kids and are clearly compartmentalizing there. That doesn’t work in real life because you are cheating on your DW and kids, and putting their family stability at risk. When this blows up - and it almost always does, as much as you believe you have perfected how to cheat - it will destroy your kids, too.

Haha, you think I'm upset? There isn't a single thing said in this thread that upsets me in the least. It's just a dumb forum where I've tried, oh I've tried so hard, to answer the original question posed by the OP. I couldn't care less what any of you strangers think of me or what I do. Your unsolicited advice doesn't mean a thing to me.

I understand where the man is coming from in this. It's pretty simple. His DW cut off sex, so he's found that elsewhere.

The other posters seem to have no understanding of this. They have some massive chip on their shoulder.

They just pretend to not understand but really, they get it. You would have to be really dense to need this explained to you. There are a lot of men reading and just shaking their head who wouldn't bother to post. They are like, dude, why are you bothering to argue with these harpies? The ones with a real chip on their shoulder are married women who don't like me holding up a mirror to see the reality of their own situation. Only a real A$$hole of a man would behave like me. Not your average man. Certainly her husband would never give a thought to cheating, just because she cut him off from sex. It just can't happen in their perfect marriage. And if it happened to her, she would do the right thing and wait until her divorce was final before looking for any new D. Yeah....rigghht. Trust me, they all get what I'm saying. I'm not a lonely voice in this explaining sexual dynamics in marriage for the first time. They've heard it all before and in at least 100 other posts on this board.

Listen, I’m the woman who’s in a situation similar to yours and I don’t cheat. You discount this because it doesn’t fit yours and some other men’s narrative. The problem is that there’s a solution (divorce) and you still cheat. What part of selfishness do you not get when you say you’ll think about divorcing in 10 years or so. You think your kids are not affected by any of this. Let me tell you that you’ll be raising boys who will be like you and will want to model you: it’s ok to be selfish in a relationship, drip with contempt and disrespect for women they marry. You didn’t answer my earlier questions about not divorcing your wife when kids leave for college. You dismissed those questions. If you or any of the other men on here are so unhappy with their spouse, divorce them. At least show respect for someone you once cared for, mother of your kids. No one is binding you to this situation. Do at least one right thing for your wife and kids.

Celibacy is not an option for normal men. Glad that it works for you, though. Anyone in a sexless marriage is not "cheating" they are saving their marriage from certain divorce by meeting their normal sexual needs elsewhere. The sexless wife and kids all benefit from this marriage staying together, which is only possible by having sex elsewhere,

Again, divorce is your friend. Why do you go on a rant on sexlessness when you don’t have to suffer if you get a divorce? This is what makes you selfish and a narc. Just go find someone younger and new who will love having sex with you. Give your wife respect and a chance for a future that she doesn’t have with you. You’ve got one foot out the door whether you realize it or not. Do your wife a favor and divorce her even if it is not the right time for you.

You’ve obviously never gone through a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, divorce is your friend. Why do you go on a rant on sexlessness when you don’t have to suffer if you get a divorce? This is what makes you selfish and a narc. Just go find someone younger and new who will love having sex with you. Give your wife respect and a chance for a future that she doesn’t have with you. You’ve got one foot out the door whether you realize it or not. Do your wife a favor and divorce her even if it is not the right time for you.

Divorce helps nobody because nobody is suffering. The sexless wife is happy (stays married + no sex) and the normal libido man is also happy getting sex elsewhere. Why divorce a sexless wife over something so unimportant and trivial as sex? That’s the absolute last thing on her list, something she doesn’t even want, it can’t be any big deal that he does that unimportant thing with another woman. That’s actually a nicer favor to her than divorce: if she wanted that she’d just get one herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, divorce is your friend. Why do you go on a rant on sexlessness when you don’t have to suffer if you get a divorce? This is what makes you selfish and a narc. Just go find someone younger and new who will love having sex with you. Give your wife respect and a chance for a future that she doesn’t have with you. You’ve got one foot out the door whether you realize it or not. Do your wife a favor and divorce her even if it is not the right time for you.

Divorce helps nobody because nobody is suffering. The sexless wife is happy (stays married + no sex) and the normal libido man is also happy getting sex elsewhere. Why divorce a sexless wife over something so unimportant and trivial as sex? That’s the absolute last thing on her list, something she doesn’t even want, it can’t be any big deal that he does that unimportant thing with another woman. That’s actually a nicer favor to her than divorce: if she wanted that she’d just get one herself.

Not true. It changes the cheater. Over time they are different, judgmental, more likely to explode with anger, stressed, etc. Leading a double life is not easy.

The wife isn’t happy. There is no intimacy in the marriage. That dried up a lot of times because of the way the cheater was in the marriage.

You have no idea what will happen in your AP’s spouse finds out- or your own spouse. They will. Over time, even the best liars get caught.

Do you want exposure? Do you want AP’s husband at your front door?

You are in deep denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, divorce is your friend. Why do you go on a rant on sexlessness when you don’t have to suffer if you get a divorce? This is what makes you selfish and a narc. Just go find someone younger and new who will love having sex with you. Give your wife respect and a chance for a future that she doesn’t have with you. You’ve got one foot out the door whether you realize it or not. Do your wife a favor and divorce her even if it is not the right time for you.

Divorce helps nobody because nobody is suffering. The sexless wife is happy (stays married + no sex) and the normal libido man is also happy getting sex elsewhere. Why divorce a sexless wife over something so unimportant and trivial as sex? That’s the absolute last thing on her list, something she doesn’t even want, it can’t be any big deal that he does that unimportant thing with another woman. That’s actually a nicer favor to her than divorce: if she wanted that she’d just get one herself.

Because the poster was talking about evaluating in 10 years the status of relationship. This means that this isn't meant to be a status quo, it's a plan that he hasn't told his wife. This is nasty.

Even if there's no plan, cheating for next 10-20 years means you will emotionally distance yourself and there's a good chance you will develop feelings and so will likely divorce anyway. Why not do it now when you can have respect for yourself and your wife without cheating. Give the wife a chance to make a decision in this situation. That's what is so horrible about this because the wife doesn't get to choose, all decisions are made by this narc guy (cheating, when to divorce, whether to divorce). How dare he make all decisions on their relationship in vacuum.