Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do).  I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him.  I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that.  I have too much respect for my husband.   He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do.  You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years.  Why in 10 years?  If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her.  Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now.   I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc.  Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that?  This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years.  This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters:  they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done.  This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary.  Give your wife her future now.  Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).  [/quote]  You don't know the question I'm asking?  Can you read?

I'm not telling you about kids, if she works, etc.  It's not relevant to the subject and I'm not giving you more information to dissect.  I'm glad you don't have to deal with a H who refuses you, especially with your higher libido.  I'm happy for you but I'll also say, I don't think you have any idea what you would do if it came to that.  I know your heart bleeds for my poor, suffering, clueless wife but it's a waste of feelings.  Even she wouldn't care.  Yes I know, it's so unfair that I cheat on her.  I couldn't care less.  It's so unfair of her to pull sex off the table and refuse to even discuss it. So here we are.

"...why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her."  [u]Let her[/u] find someone else?  I don't have her chained down.  I'll "let her" do whatever she wants at this point in her young (although I never said she was young, or me) life.  If she thinks she can land another man who will be happy to have a sexless relationship, she is free to go.  I know they are out there. 
 I'm not stopping her.  Really, I'm not.  And yes, I must acknowledge this is DCUM so really, it's just me she doesn't want to have sex with because I'm such a ____.  I'm sure if she gets with another man, she will find her libido and rock his world.  Either way, she is free to go.  She isn't trapped by the usual circumstances and I won't try to stop her.  She is in this marriage because she wants to be and as long as I no longer bring up sex, she is content.

As for unfair because I don't tell her I'm cheating.  Yes, I do that for my own selfish reasons but it's not totally unfair and it's not like I haven't told her anything.  I've told her very clearly in words I know she understands, and not as a threat but just to be fair to her.  I've told her I do not accept being in a sexless marriage and if she doesn't even want to discuss it, we don't have a future together.  I told her that as kindly as possible many times.  And it's not like I went out and cheated the next day once I told her.  It was at least another two years of trying to talk to her before I gave up all hope of her caring how I felt about this or what it means to our marriage.  So feel sorry for her if you like.  She's in the marriage she wants, the way she wants it.  Except for the part where I don't tell her how I'm meeting my needs for physical affection.  I doubt she even wants to know.

For all of you who insist that I must tell her, I'll make you a deal.  Should she ever care enough to ask, I will tell her with no hesitation.  If she ever cares enough to raise the subject, I'll tell her exactly where things stand with me and then, as you say, she can make her own decisions about her future with or without me.  But until then, I'm going to indulge her wish to remain in denial about our reality.[/quote]

You're being obtuse.  I have higher libido than my husband now (not always the case) but it's not that he's adjusted.  It's somewhat similar to your situation but I will not cheat on my husband.  I'm in your situation but I CHOOSE to do the right thing. It's a character issue. [/quote]

So it's "somewhat similar to your situation" while at the same time, nothing like my situation at all because you are having sex with your spouse, and I'm not so please don't pretend to tell me you know what you would do in my situation.  You aren't there.

[quote=Anonymous]Did you tell your wife that sexlessness is an important enough issue for you to want to divorce or cheat?  If she doesn't understand that, you have not communicated effectively.  Of course she doesn't want to go look for someone else right now because she doesn't know that you are cheating and are looking to divorce her at the right time.  Once she knows that information from you clearly (that I will divorce you or am cheating if we don't have sex),  she will determine whether she will stay with you and open the marriage or divorce.  If you communicate to her the way you communicate on here, it's easy to see how you twist things for your benefit and not the direct truth.   [/quote]
Yes, several times and I communicate with her very clearly.  It's almost insane to think that any spouse needs that explained to them, but I have.

[quote=Anonymous]
Again, the issue is why not divorce rather than cheat on her?  Repeat from above:  This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters:  they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done.  This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary.  Give your wife her future now.  Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).  Again, everything else you've posted hasn't led to any more clarity of this issue.  [/quote]It's not really THE ISSUE.  You just want to make it the issue.  I've done my best to "explain the mindset of a cheater."  Then you take my replies and project all kinds of things with no basis for doing so like, "they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done.  This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind."   [/quote]Please don't tell me my reality and truth when you have no idea what you are talking about.  This isn't one of the many posts of division of labor in a marriage, or SAHM versus career woman, or anything else except me explaining why I cheat.  You haven't a clue about any else that I haven't told you.[/quote]

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