Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do). I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him. I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that. I have too much respect for my husband. He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do. You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years. Why in 10 years? If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her. Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now. I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc. Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that? This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years. This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).

You don't know the question I'm asking? Can you read?

I'm not telling you about kids, if she works, etc. It's not relevant to the subject and I'm not giving you more information to dissect. I'm glad you don't have to deal with a H who refuses you, especially with your higher libido. I'm happy for you but I'll also say, I don't think you have any idea what you would do if it came to that. I know your heart bleeds for my poor, suffering, clueless wife but it's a waste of feelings. Even she wouldn't care. Yes I know, it's so unfair that I cheat on her. I couldn't care less. It's so unfair of her to pull sex off the table and refuse to even discuss it. So here we are.

"...why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her." Let her find someone else? I don't have her chained down. I'll "let her" do whatever she wants at this point in her young (although I never said she was young, or me) life. If she thinks she can land another man who will be happy to have a sexless relationship, she is free to go. I know they are out there.
I'm not stopping her. Really, I'm not. And yes, I must acknowledge this is DCUM so really, it's just me she doesn't want to have sex with because I'm such a ____. I'm sure if she gets with another man, she will find her libido and rock his world. Either way, she is free to go. She isn't trapped by the usual circumstances and I won't try to stop her. She is in this marriage because she wants to be and as long as I no longer bring up sex, she is content.

As for unfair because I don't tell her I'm cheating. Yes, I do that for my own selfish reasons but it's not totally unfair and it's not like I haven't told her anything. I've told her very clearly in words I know she understands, and not as a threat but just to be fair to her. I've told her I do not accept being in a sexless marriage and if she doesn't even want to discuss it, we don't have a future together. I told her that as kindly as possible many times. And it's not like I went out and cheated the next day once I told her. It was at least another two years of trying to talk to her before I gave up all hope of her caring how I felt about this or what it means to our marriage. So feel sorry for her if you like. She's in the marriage she wants, the way she wants it. Except for the part where I don't tell her how I'm meeting my needs for physical affection. I doubt she even wants to know.

For all of you who insist that I must tell her, I'll make you a deal. Should she ever care enough to ask, I will tell her with no hesitation. If she ever cares enough to raise the subject, I'll tell her exactly where things stand with me and then, as you say, she can make her own decisions about her future with or without me. But until then, I'm going to indulge her wish to remain in denial about our reality.

You're being obtuse. I have higher libido than my husband now (not always the case) but it's not that he's adjusted. It's somewhat similar to your situation but I will not cheat on my husband. I'm in your situation but I CHOOSE to do the right thing. It's a character issue.

Did you tell your wife that sexlessness is an important enough issue for you to want to divorce or cheat? If she doesn't understand that, you have not communicated effectively. Of course she doesn't want to go look for someone else right now because she doesn't know that you are cheating and are looking to divorce her at the right time. Once she knows that information from you clearly (that I will divorce you or am cheating if we don't have sex), she will determine whether she will stay with you and open the marriage or divorce. If you communicate to her the way you communicate on here, it's easy to see how you twist things for your benefit and not the direct truth.

Again, the issue is why not divorce rather than cheat on her? Repeat from above: This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out). Again, everything else you've posted hasn't led to any more clarity of this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do). I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him. I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that. I have too much respect for my husband. He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do. You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years. Why in 10 years? If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her. Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now. I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc. Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that? This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years. This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).

You don't know the question I'm asking? Can you read?

I'm not telling you about kids, if she works, etc. It's not relevant to the subject and I'm not giving you more information to dissect. I'm glad you don't have to deal with a H who refuses you, especially with your higher libido. I'm happy for you but I'll also say, I don't think you have any idea what you would do if it came to that. I know your heart bleeds for my poor, suffering, clueless wife but it's a waste of feelings. Even she wouldn't care. Yes I know, it's so unfair that I cheat on her. I couldn't care less. It's so unfair of her to pull sex off the table and refuse to even discuss it. So here we are.

"...why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her." Let her find someone else? I don't have her chained down. I'll "let her" do whatever she wants at this point in her young (although I never said she was young, or me) life. If she thinks she can land another man who will be happy to have a sexless relationship, she is free to go. I know they are out there.
I'm not stopping her. Really, I'm not. And yes, I must acknowledge this is DCUM so really, it's just me she doesn't want to have sex with because I'm such a ____. I'm sure if she gets with another man, she will find her libido and rock his world. Either way, she is free to go. She isn't trapped by the usual circumstances and I won't try to stop her. She is in this marriage because she wants to be and as long as I no longer bring up sex, she is content.

As for unfair because I don't tell her I'm cheating. Yes, I do that for my own selfish reasons but it's not totally unfair and it's not like I haven't told her anything. I've told her very clearly in words I know she understands, and not as a threat but just to be fair to her. I've told her I do not accept being in a sexless marriage and if she doesn't even want to discuss it, we don't have a future together. I told her that as kindly as possible many times. And it's not like I went out and cheated the next day once I told her. It was at least another two years of trying to talk to her before I gave up all hope of her caring how I felt about this or what it means to our marriage. So feel sorry for her if you like. She's in the marriage she wants, the way she wants it. Except for the part where I don't tell her how I'm meeting my needs for physical affection. I doubt she even wants to know.

For all of you who insist that I must tell her, I'll make you a deal. Should she ever care enough to ask, I will tell her with no hesitation. If she ever cares enough to raise the subject, I'll tell her exactly where things stand with me and then, as you say, she can make her own decisions about her future with or without me. But until then, I'm going to indulge her wish to remain in denial about our reality.

The bold is actually the crux of what you're doing in your own words. You do not tell her you are getting sex outside the marriage because it is not in your own interest. As another PP said above, you basically want to manipulate the situation so that you still get a value out of having a wife -- not sure quite what that is for you, maybe power, revenge, the feeling that you are not risking any money that could be lost in divorce, having a woman in the home to do work for you, having someone who participates (or maybe does most) of the work of parenting....

Whatever the reason it is clear that it is justified to you, and you go on to explain that you think it isn't "totally" unfair, and that you've told her in some words, that you don't accept not getting sex from her.

For me and my morals, I really don't understand why you don't take the next step and say, "since you aren't interested in having sex any more, I am going to go ahead and get my need for sex fulfilled outside the marriage, but since there are other things I value about our marriage/life, I am not filing for divorce. I prefer to remain married but just have sex outside the marriage."

But, it's clear that you fear that if you did something like that, you would no longer be in control of the situation or there would be some kind of negative consequence for you, whether tangible or simply emotional.

On the one hand, you seem pretty narcissistic, so it's hard to feel bad for you. On the other hand, the fact that your wife stopped sleeping with you clearly hurts you emotionally (although you would deny that), and much of what you write about your attitude seems like an effort to "get back at her" via cheating in a kind of subtextual way. The cheating clearly makes you feel like you hold the upper hand and are the "winner" in some sense.

Your contempt for her (and women in general) drips from the page, so much so that it's hard to imagine that you can successfully compartmentalize that from seeping into your real relationship with her.

I really hope you don't have kids.

YES. He's definitely a narc who twists things to his advantage and his contempt for his wife (and women in general) does drop form the page. I hope he doesn't have kids either. What horrible lessons to pass down to kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

Cheaters feel ENTITLED to have what they want when they want it at the expense of other people. They also tend to lack empathy and to blame other people for anything that goes wrong in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

Cheaters feel ENTITLED to have what they want when they want it at the expense of other people. They also tend to lack empathy and to blame other people for anything that goes wrong in their lives.

I also think that it's easier financially/logistically to have a wife at home who does all of the hard parenting/everyday life things and an AP who could bring the excitement on side until kids go to school. Cheaters don't divorce until it's good for them and that is the part that is so selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Big character flaw and who knows what psychological problems.

He should talk to his wife like an adult. Along these lines: "Listen us not having sex isn't healthy or normal. We need to go to counseling, or fix the problem."

I'm betting his wife has another take, so together they may find out what the problem is. It may not be sex. It may be something else and lack of sex is merely the symptom. For many women it's often resentment. Maybe he's cheated before, and maybe she's known all along what he's about. Who knows.

Last he needs to be upfront, he'll seek female companionship if she has no inclination to work on the problem. The result being a divorce. Which would be better than pp lying, cheating and living a sick double life.

Ho Lee Fuk, did you just join the discussion on this page, or have you been reading along for the last 30 pages or so as I've said at least a dozen times now how I've done just that? For years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It wouldn't be worth me losing my kids. Often kids find out down the road, or the other spouse will tell them. They would likely resent you.

What about couple's counseling???

Wow, another one. How about, any Fing counseling? How about we discuss this at all? I tried to get her to counseling be it individual, couples, you name it. I did counseling myself and it was somewhat helpful but made no difference to her. I asked her to go to her own doctor, or any doctor she chose. Leave kids out of the discussion. I never mentioned kids and they aren't relevant to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do). I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him. I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that. I have too much respect for my husband. He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do. You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years. Why in 10 years? If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her. Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now. I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc. Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that? This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years. This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).

You don't know the question I'm asking? Can you read?

I'm not telling you about kids, if she works, etc. It's not relevant to the subject and I'm not giving you more information to dissect. I'm glad you don't have to deal with a H who refuses you, especially with your higher libido. I'm happy for you but I'll also say, I don't think you have any idea what you would do if it came to that. I know your heart bleeds for my poor, suffering, clueless wife but it's a waste of feelings. Even she wouldn't care. Yes I know, it's so unfair that I cheat on her. I couldn't care less. It's so unfair of her to pull sex off the table and refuse to even discuss it. So here we are.

"...why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her." Let her find someone else? I don't have her chained down. I'll "let her" do whatever she wants at this point in her young (although I never said she was young, or me) life. If she thinks she can land another man who will be happy to have a sexless relationship, she is free to go. I know they are out there.
I'm not stopping her. Really, I'm not. And yes, I must acknowledge this is DCUM so really, it's just me she doesn't want to have sex with because I'm such a ____. I'm sure if she gets with another man, she will find her libido and rock his world. Either way, she is free to go. She isn't trapped by the usual circumstances and I won't try to stop her. She is in this marriage because she wants to be and as long as I no longer bring up sex, she is content.

As for unfair because I don't tell her I'm cheating. Yes, I do that for my own selfish reasons but it's not totally unfair and it's not like I haven't told her anything. I've told her very clearly in words I know she understands, and not as a threat but just to be fair to her. I've told her I do not accept being in a sexless marriage and if she doesn't even want to discuss it, we don't have a future together. I told her that as kindly as possible many times. And it's not like I went out and cheated the next day once I told her. It was at least another two years of trying to talk to her before I gave up all hope of her caring how I felt about this or what it means to our marriage. So feel sorry for her if you like. She's in the marriage she wants, the way she wants it. Except for the part where I don't tell her how I'm meeting my needs for physical affection. I doubt she even wants to know.

For all of you who insist that I must tell her, I'll make you a deal. Should she ever care enough to ask, I will tell her with no hesitation. If she ever cares enough to raise the subject, I'll tell her exactly where things stand with me and then, as you say, she can make her own decisions about her future with or without me. But until then, I'm going to indulge her wish to remain in denial about our reality.

The bold is actually the crux of what you're doing in your own words. You do not tell her you are getting sex outside the marriage because it is not in your own interest. As another PP said above, you basically want to manipulate the situation so that you still get a value out of having a wife -- not sure quite what that is for you, maybe power, revenge, the feeling that you are not risking any money that could be lost in divorce, having a woman in the home to do work for you, having someone who participates (or maybe does most) of the work of parenting....

Whatever the reason it is clear that it is justified to you, and you go on to explain that you think it isn't "totally" unfair, and that you've told her in some words, that you don't accept not getting sex from her.

For me and my morals, I really don't understand why you don't take the next step and say, "since you aren't interested in having sex any more, I am going to go ahead and get my need for sex fulfilled outside the marriage, but since there are other things I value about our marriage/life, I am not filing for divorce. I prefer to remain married but just have sex outside the marriage."

But, it's clear that you fear that if you did something like that, you would no longer be in control of the situation or there would be some kind of negative consequence for you, whether tangible or simply emotional.

On the one hand, you seem pretty narcissistic, so it's hard to feel bad for you. On the other hand, the fact that your wife stopped sleeping with you clearly hurts you emotionally (although you would deny that), and much of what you write about your attitude seems like an effort to "get back at her" via cheating in a kind of subtextual way. The cheating clearly makes you feel like you hold the upper hand and are the "winner" in some sense.

Your contempt for her (and women in general) drips from the page, so much so that it's hard to imagine that you can successfully compartmentalize that from seeping into your real relationship with her.

I really hope you don't have kids.

Best response in this whole thread. You are about 95% correct. I don't deny for a minute that her denying me sex hurts me emotionally. It hurts more than I can describe. I do very much prefer to remain married. I don't have contempt for women. I hold women in high regard, including my wife. I don't have an affair out of revenge. I do it to meet my sexual needs and feel alive again. I guess that does make me feel like I "hold the upper hand and are the "winner" in some sense" But I'd rather have sex with my wife than any woman on this planet but that means nothing to her. I'll concede, the rest of what you've written is pretty close to the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do). I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him. I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that. I have too much respect for my husband. He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do. You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years. Why in 10 years? If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her. Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now. I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc. Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that? This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years. This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).

You don't know the question I'm asking? Can you read?

I'm not telling you about kids, if she works, etc. It's not relevant to the subject and I'm not giving you more information to dissect. I'm glad you don't have to deal with a H who refuses you, especially with your higher libido. I'm happy for you but I'll also say, I don't think you have any idea what you would do if it came to that. I know your heart bleeds for my poor, suffering, clueless wife but it's a waste of feelings. Even she wouldn't care. Yes I know, it's so unfair that I cheat on her. I couldn't care less. It's so unfair of her to pull sex off the table and refuse to even discuss it. So here we are.

"...why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her." Let her find someone else? I don't have her chained down. I'll "let her" do whatever she wants at this point in her young (although I never said she was young, or me) life. If she thinks she can land another man who will be happy to have a sexless relationship, she is free to go. I know they are out there.
I'm not stopping her. Really, I'm not. And yes, I must acknowledge this is DCUM so really, it's just me she doesn't want to have sex with because I'm such a ____. I'm sure if she gets with another man, she will find her libido and rock his world. Either way, she is free to go. She isn't trapped by the usual circumstances and I won't try to stop her. She is in this marriage because she wants to be and as long as I no longer bring up sex, she is content.

As for unfair because I don't tell her I'm cheating. Yes, I do that for my own selfish reasons but it's not totally unfair and it's not like I haven't told her anything. I've told her very clearly in words I know she understands, and not as a threat but just to be fair to her. I've told her I do not accept being in a sexless marriage and if she doesn't even want to discuss it, we don't have a future together. I told her that as kindly as possible many times. And it's not like I went out and cheated the next day once I told her. It was at least another two years of trying to talk to her before I gave up all hope of her caring how I felt about this or what it means to our marriage. So feel sorry for her if you like. She's in the marriage she wants, the way she wants it. Except for the part where I don't tell her how I'm meeting my needs for physical affection. I doubt she even wants to know.

For all of you who insist that I must tell her, I'll make you a deal. Should she ever care enough to ask, I will tell her with no hesitation. If she ever cares enough to raise the subject, I'll tell her exactly where things stand with me and then, as you say, she can make her own decisions about her future with or without me. But until then, I'm going to indulge her wish to remain in denial about our reality.

The bold is actually the crux of what you're doing in your own words. You do not tell her you are getting sex outside the marriage because it is not in your own interest. As another PP said above, you basically want to manipulate the situation so that you still get a value out of having a wife -- not sure quite what that is for you, maybe power, revenge, the feeling that you are not risking any money that could be lost in divorce, having a woman in the home to do work for you, having someone who participates (or maybe does most) of the work of parenting....

Whatever the reason it is clear that it is justified to you, and you go on to explain that you think it isn't "totally" unfair, and that you've told her in some words, that you don't accept not getting sex from her.

For me and my morals, I really don't understand why you don't take the next step and say, "since you aren't interested in having sex any more, I am going to go ahead and get my need for sex fulfilled outside the marriage, but since there are other things I value about our marriage/life, I am not filing for divorce. I prefer to remain married but just have sex outside the marriage."

But, it's clear that you fear that if you did something like that, you would no longer be in control of the situation or there would be some kind of negative consequence for you, whether tangible or simply emotional.

On the one hand, you seem pretty narcissistic, so it's hard to feel bad for you. On the other hand, the fact that your wife stopped sleeping with you clearly hurts you emotionally (although you would deny that), and much of what you write about your attitude seems like an effort to "get back at her" via cheating in a kind of subtextual way. The cheating clearly makes you feel like you hold the upper hand and are the "winner" in some sense.

Your contempt for her (and women in general) drips from the page, so much so that it's hard to imagine that you can successfully compartmentalize that from seeping into your real relationship with her.

I really hope you don't have kids.

Best response in this whole thread. You are about 95% correct. I don't deny for a minute that her denying me sex hurts me emotionally. It hurts more than I can describe. I do very much prefer to remain married. I don't have contempt for women. I hold women in high regard, including my wife. I don't have an affair out of revenge. I do it to meet my sexual needs and feel alive again. I guess that does make me feel like I "hold the upper hand and are the "winner" in some sense" But I'd rather have sex with my wife than any woman on this planet but that means nothing to her. I'll concede, the rest of what you've written is pretty close to the truth.

So you agree with the pp on everything except where she thinks you are narcissistic, that you have contempt for women, and she hopes that you don't have kids. Is that what you disagree with or do you agree with those pieces as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It wouldn't be worth me losing my kids. Often kids find out down the road, or the other spouse will tell them. They would likely resent you.

What about couple's counseling???

Wow, another one. How about, any Fing counseling? How about we discuss this at all? I tried to get her to counseling be it individual, couples, you name it. I did counseling myself and it was somewhat helpful but made no difference to her. I asked her to go to her own doctor, or any doctor she chose. Leave kids out of the discussion. I never mentioned kids and they aren't relevant to this.

Kids are part of your family, and when you cheat on your wife you cheat on them. You destroy their trust and put their family dynamics at risk. Of course they are relevant. Going by what you posted it sounds like she checked out of the marriage. Maybe she's only staying for the kids and finances. Have you mentioned divorce to her? And what is her response? If you BOTH can't meet half way I would say it's time to part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Big character flaw and who knows what psychological problems.

He should talk to his wife like an adult. Along these lines: "Listen us not having sex isn't healthy or normal. We need to go to counseling, or fix the problem."

I'm betting his wife has another take, so together they may find out what the problem is. It may not be sex. It may be something else and lack of sex is merely the symptom. For many women it's often resentment. Maybe he's cheated before, and maybe she's known all along what he's about. Who knows.

Last he needs to be upfront, he'll seek female companionship if she has no inclination to work on the problem. The result being a divorce. Which would be better than pp lying, cheating and living a sick double life.

Ho Lee Fuk, did you just join the discussion on this page, or have you been reading along for the last 30 pages or so as I've said at least a dozen times now how I've done just that? For years.[/quote

Then tell her your going to a lawyer and have papers drawn up since she doesn't want to be a "couple".

Follow through and see what she does.

[Anonymous]

You get upset when anyone brings up kids and are clearly compartmentalizing there. That doesn’t work in real life because you are cheating on your DW and kids, and putting their family stability at risk. When this blows up - and it almost always does, as much as you believe you have perfected how to cheat - it will destroy your kids, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get upset when anyone brings up kids and are clearly compartmentalizing there. That doesn’t work in real life because you are cheating on your DW and kids, and putting their family stability at risk. When this blows up - and it almost always does, as much as you believe you have perfected how to cheat - it will destroy your kids, too.

You have it totally backwards. His cheating helps both his wife and kids. Divorce is not in anybody’s best interest.

“When this blows up” that already happened the moment his wife went sexlessness. His cheating is the one thing saving the marriage which she blew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It wouldn't be worth me losing my kids. Often kids find out down the road, or the other spouse will tell them. They would likely resent you.

What about couple's counseling???

Wow, another one. How about, any Fing counseling? How about we discuss this at all? I tried to get her to counseling be it individual, couples, you name it. I did counseling myself and it was somewhat helpful but made no difference to her. I asked her to go to her own doctor, or any doctor she chose. Leave kids out of the discussion. I never mentioned kids and they aren't relevant to this.

Kids are part of your family, and when you cheat on your wife you cheat on them. You destroy their trust and put their family dynamics at risk. Of course they are relevant. Going by what you posted it sounds like she checked out of the marriage. Maybe she's only staying for the kids and finances. Have you mentioned divorce to her? And what is her response? If you BOTH can't meet half way I would say it's time to part.

I didn't say anything about kids. Can we have an adult conversation about adults without dragging the kids into it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get upset when anyone brings up kids and are clearly compartmentalizing there. That doesn’t work in real life because you are cheating on your DW and kids, and putting their family stability at risk. When this blows up - and it almost always does, as much as you believe you have perfected how to cheat - it will destroy your kids, too.

Haha, you think I'm upset? There isn't a single thing said in this thread that upsets me in the least. It's just a dumb forum where I've tried, oh I've tried so hard, to answer the original question posed by the OP. I couldn't care less what any of you strangers think of me or what I do. Your unsolicited advice doesn't mean a thing to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get upset when anyone brings up kids and are clearly compartmentalizing there. That doesn’t work in real life because you are cheating on your DW and kids, and putting their family stability at risk. When this blows up - and it almost always does, as much as you believe you have perfected how to cheat - it will destroy your kids, too.

Haha, you think I'm upset? There isn't a single thing said in this thread that upsets me in the least. It's just a dumb forum where I've tried, oh I've tried so hard, to answer the original question posed by the OP. I couldn't care less what any of you strangers think of me or what I do. Your unsolicited advice doesn't mean a thing to me.

I understand where the man is coming from in this. It's pretty simple. His DW cut off sex, so he's found that elsewhere.

The other posters seem to have no understanding of this. They have some massive chip on their shoulder.