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[quote=Anonymous]DH here; married 2.5 years, 8 month old baby.  I don't want this to get explicit.  Main problem is our sex life is dead.  Here are a few relevant points:

- small child
- we both work full time
- physical passion/sex life was never off the charts
- DW has substantial weight gain since pregnancy
- our few attempts have been complete failures.

I feel like we've painted ourselves into a corner with this.  DW doesn't feel attractive and wants/needs some reassurance that I still find her attractive - not because she wants sex, but because she sees my lust for her as validation that I'm attracted.  The truth is, I'm not really attracted right now, and it's 100% on me to bring the lust/excitement.  She's not a starfish, but she does want to just lay back, hopefully in a very dark room, with the lights off, and covers completely covering her body (about which she is completely inhibited) and for me to just show up and want to have sex, even if - as in our failed attempts - she's clearly uncomfortable - either emotionally or physically (or both) and somehow be satisfied.  Honestly, the last time I tried to do the whole fantasy thing, and when she started crying (pain) I just completely lost any arousal and stopped dead in my tracks.

She is upset and feels rejected.  She's picking fights about unrelated things and is upset about them.  She is starting to make comments about how I must be having an affair.  We've probably had (attempted anyway) sex 4x since we conceived.

I'm not having an affair, and I really don't want my wife to feel unloved and rejected.  I do love her very much.  I do want her to feel that I love and treasure her.

I also just can't handle the weight gain.  It's just flat out too much.  She is finally dieting, and there is an element of honesty now - finally - about the eating habits of the past 16 months that led to 50lbs of weight gain).  It is going to take a while, and I'm OK with that.  I don't want to talk about "how I wish we could adopt a healthy lifestyle" or any of that crap and I don't want to hear about childcare and cooking healthy meals - I do all that, already. I'm already working my ass off coming up with creative ways to stay inside the "weight watcher" point counts on the meals I cook, and I already shoulder the bulk of the childcare, and laundry, yadda yadda.  Those are not the problem.

Despite the weight gain and lack of visual attraction, I could get excited about having some really enthusiastic sex with my wife if I felt like she was remotely enjoying it.  But she is so unhappy with her looks and body..it's like she'd be happier wearing a burqua with a hole cut in it.  I don't want to sound creepy, but I could kind of fetishize her baby belly, but she doesn't even seem to like me touching her butt and boobs, and pushes me away when I do, or when I try to go down on her.

What is a problem, with the kiddo, is that we get like two windows (time) a week during which to have sex.  DW hates morning sex.  I am not really interested anymore at 10:30 at night, after dinner, drinks, etc.  So, we get like a nap window on Saturday and Sunday.  [b]I understand this is what children do to your relationship; I know what I signed up for.  I don't need any lectures about this, because personally, I'm OK with us not having sex right now and I'm not bitching about how my wife doesn't want sexy time[/b].   I bolded this because of all the idiots who can't read and will just immediately tell me I should accept no sex, and I should do more chores. Let me bold this part too: [b]I do understand what she put her body through; I don't expect her to snap back to normal overnight.  I know it's pretty early on; I know a lot of women don't feel ready to enjoy sex for well over a year post-partum.  I am OK with this and I'm not the one pushing to start having sex.[/b]

I'm considering going back to see my old therapist for advice, but figured I'd give a shot and see if any of the more mature and thoughtful people on DCUM had some suggestions.  I feel pretty much reduced to "play fantasies in my head to get aroused and then use her body to masturbate".  I really cannot express how much of a libido (and soul) crusher the lack of desire on her part is...no attempt whatever to touch me.  This feels pretty much like being forced to engage in Duty Sex that I don't actually want.  Yes, we've actually had a conversation about that; I told her it makes me feel rapey.[/quote]

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