Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you're looking for an argument, I don' have one to give. I never said I am altruistic. My cheating is only about me and my desire to have sex. It has nothing to do with her except that she started this ball rolling by completely closing the door to sex. That is all about her just as this is all about me. My wants and happiness is not all that counts. I do what I can to keep her happy and by most every measure, she is happy. And she is very happy to never have sex again and to not have me make an issue of it anymore. Maybe she will come around some day and we can resume. I'm not counting on it but I'll be ready if it happens. The same if she even brings it up and says she wants to work on it. I'll stop cheating immediately and help work it out. There are zero signs of that happening but the door is always open. I'd still rather have sex with my wife than anyone else. Even half as much as I'm getting now.
I'm not cheating her out of her future. She chooses a future that includes a sexless marriage and I'm dealing with that in my own way. I'm not cheating her out of anything in the present that she wants.

Bluntly, you are a selfish, narcissistic axxhole. Men like you remind me how grateful I am to have a husband who is truly a good person with integrity as a partner and parent to my kids.

I appreciate your bluntness and I'm happy that you appreciate your husband for the great guy he is. So does my wife, believe it or not. The difference is, I'm guessing you still have sex with your husband also. So if you appreciate him so much, this being Saturday night and all, give him an extra special BJ for no apparent reason. He'll appreciate you even more and he will never cheat. I envy you both.

The bottom line is you have a massive character defect and that's all on you and has nothing to do with your wife or how much sex she is interested in having with you. You are not a good partner or even parent, of course she has no interest in sleeping with you. That's a result of your character defect, not the cause of it.

You don't have a clue how I am as a partner or parent. You only know I'm a cheat. And you really have no clue why my wife's libido has shut down although, from reading this board, it's seems to be a lot more common than I thought. In the end, I'm just another married guy who can't have sex with his wife. I know that many of you feel that my best choice, for myself and her, is to divorce. Respectfully, from someone who is living the situation, I disagree. My best choice for now is exactly what I'm doing. 10 years from now? Who knows? I take it a day at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Listen, simple questions: Q1: will you make sure you won't divorce your wife later in life and keep her happy (as you state you do) all the time, even after your kids leave home?

You know so much about me and I know nothing about you. I think it's only fair that you answer a question or two for all the questions I've answered.
Do you have an active libido where you still desire sex at least once a week? Not duty sex but where you actually want it? If not, skip the rest of my questions and know that you are not qualified to ask me anything further. So don't. If you are a sexless wife, you are not justified to ask me anything.

You do? Great. OK, does your husband share you interest in sex and do you have sex on a somewhat regular basis where you both enjoy it?

And now, your question, but only if you've answered in the positive so far. Here is your scenario. Kids are grown and out of the house. Congratulations. You did a fine job. It's just you and H with all kinds of time to get as loud as you like at night and run around in whatever you want. BUTT... Here is the big butt in all this. H has decided he no longer wants sex. Period. Doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't think it's a problem. No need to talk to anyone else about it. Doesn't feel it should be a problem for you and you should just shut down your sex life, forever, like he has.
Will you make sure you won't divorce your husband later in life and keep him happy all the time, baring no resentment for his decision to shut down both your sex lives, even though you still want sex, perhaps more than ever now that your aren't getting it?

Anonymous wrote:Q2: Are you sure you won't have the "feels" for anyone else in the future?

It's not possible for me to see into the future so the obvious answer is, no. I can't be sure I won't get feelings for an AP. But I do what I can to not go there.

Anonymous wrote:If you are uncertain about either of these answers, you need to tell your wife and give your wife choices.

Nope, you don't get to tell me what I NEED to do in my marriage. Anymore than you would tell my wife that she NEEDS to go find her libido and try to save her marriage because, only a dumbass woman would think that not having sex with her husband is going to work out in the long run. And, she isn't dumb.

Anonymous wrote:You aren't doing right by her even though you state you are. You don't value her at all. It's a horrible way to treat your wife.

You're probably right. Suppose I never cheated. Just sucked it up another couple years with zero sex life and zero interest from her. If you were advising her, as you so freely advise me, would you tell her the same thing? Would you tell her that she doesn't value her husband, is treating him horribly, and should just get divorced because that's only fair to him?

I'll bet you don't answer my questions but I gave it a shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you're looking for an argument, I don' have one to give. I never said I am altruistic. My cheating is only about me and my desire to have sex. It has nothing to do with her except that she started this ball rolling by completely closing the door to sex. That is all about her just as this is all about me. My wants and happiness is not all that counts. I do what I can to keep her happy and by most every measure, she is happy. And she is very happy to never have sex again and to not have me make an issue of it anymore. Maybe she will come around some day and we can resume. I'm not counting on it but I'll be ready if it happens. The same if she even brings it up and says she wants to work on it. I'll stop cheating immediately and help work it out. There are zero signs of that happening but the door is always open. I'd still rather have sex with my wife than anyone else. Even half as much as I'm getting now.
I'm not cheating her out of her future. She chooses a future that includes a sexless marriage and I'm dealing with that in my own way. I'm not cheating her out of anything in the present that she wants.

Bluntly, you are a selfish, narcissistic axxhole. Men like you remind me how grateful I am to have a husband who is truly a good person with integrity as a partner and parent to my kids. The bottom line is you have a massive character defect and that's all on you and has nothing to do with your wife or how much sex she is interested in having with you. You are not a good partner or even parent, of course she has no interest in sleeping with you. That's a result of your character defect, not the cause of it.

This is how ALL normal men with normal libidos think. And lots of women with healthy libidos too would agree. Nothing wrong with his integrity. It’s really just YOU who are the anomaly, thinking that a spouse can stop having sex and still have a lasting monogamous marriage?!?!! Nope. Any abnormal sexless spouse who “objects to cheating” must initiate divorce, otherwise it’s a de-facto DADT marriage just like PP has. His wife must be grateful for the affair partner responsible for saving their marriage.

I'm the A-hole you refer to. To be certain, this is NOT a problem that only relates to men. In my experience, there are an equal number of women dealing with this and they are so easy to find. I don't agree that it's an automatic DADT marriage if you refuse sex to your spouse. I think some spouses really are delusional enough to think they can pull that off and their spouse won't have the balls to do anything about it. I don't think my spouse would be grateful to find I'm having an affair. But I know she is relieved that I never bother her about our sexless marriage any more. That was stressful to her. I also never hot on her, get physical with her, or make any moves that before she feared would just lead to me wanting sex that evening, only to be shot down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is how ALL normal men with normal libidos think. And lots of women with healthy libidos too would agree. Nothing wrong with his integrity. It’s really just YOU who are the anomaly, thinking that a spouse can stop having sex and still have a lasting monogamous marriage?!?!! Nope. Any abnormal sexless spouse who “objects to cheating” must initiate divorce, otherwise it’s a de-facto DADT marriage just like PP has. His wife must be grateful for the affair partner responsible for saving their marriage.

Your analysis is embarrassing and reflects low intellect. What you set up is a false dichotomy. Any spouse unhappy with their sex life is free to ask for a divorce or some other disclosed arrangement. How thick are you? Why can't you understand that?

Some other disclosed arrangement? You are a riot. So, she won't even give him permission to have sex with her, his wife. You think she will OK with an "arrangement" where he bangs some other chick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is how ALL normal men with normal libidos think. And lots of women with healthy libidos too would agree. Nothing wrong with his integrity. It’s really just YOU who are the anomaly, thinking that a spouse can stop having sex and still have a lasting monogamous marriage?!?!! Nope. Any abnormal sexless spouse who “objects to cheating” must initiate divorce, otherwise it’s a de-facto DADT marriage just like PP has. His wife must be grateful for the affair partner responsible for saving their marriage.

Your analysis is embarrassing and reflects low intellect. What you set up is a false dichotomy. Any spouse unhappy with their sex life is free to ask for a divorce or some other disclosed arrangement. How thick are you? Why can't you understand that?

Yes either spouse is equally free to ask for a divorce, or to take unilateral action in regards to sex. Just as she lost interest in sex, he lost interest in monogamy. No dichotomy at all. It’s equal freedom for both spouses

Why would he divorce? She’s a good room mate and she wants to stay married.

It really is that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you're looking for an argument, I don' have one to give. I never said I am altruistic. My cheating is only about me and my desire to have sex. It has nothing to do with her except that she started this ball rolling by completely closing the door to sex. That is all about her just as this is all about me. My wants and happiness is not all that counts. I do what I can to keep her happy and by most every measure, she is happy. And she is very happy to never have sex again and to not have me make an issue of it anymore. Maybe she will come around some day and we can resume. I'm not counting on it but I'll be ready if it happens. The same if she even brings it up and says she wants to work on it. I'll stop cheating immediately and help work it out. There are zero signs of that happening but the door is always open. I'd still rather have sex with my wife than anyone else. Even half as much as I'm getting now.
I'm not cheating her out of her future. She chooses a future that includes a sexless marriage and I'm dealing with that in my own way. I'm not cheating her out of anything in the present that she wants.

Bluntly, you are a selfish, narcissistic axxhole. Men like you remind me how grateful I am to have a husband who is truly a good person with integrity as a partner and parent to my kids. The bottom line is you have a massive character defect and that's all on you and has nothing to do with your wife or how much sex she is interested in having with you. You are not a good partner or even parent, of course she has no interest in sleeping with you. That's a result of your character defect, not the cause of it.

This is how ALL normal men with normal libidos think. And lots of women with healthy libidos too would agree. Nothing wrong with his integrity. It’s really just YOU who are the anomaly, thinking that a spouse can stop having sex and still have a lasting monogamous marriage?!?!! Nope. Any abnormal sexless spouse who “objects to cheating” must initiate divorce, otherwise it’s a de-facto DADT marriage just like PP has. His wife must be grateful for the affair partner responsible for saving their marriage.

I'm the A-hole you refer to. To be certain, this is NOT a problem that only relates to men. In my experience, there are an equal number of women dealing with this and they are so easy to find. I don't agree that it's an automatic DADT marriage if you refuse sex to your spouse. I think some spouses really are delusional enough to think they can pull that off and their spouse won't have the balls to do anything about it. I don't think my spouse would be grateful to find I'm having an affair. But I know she is relieved that I never bother her about our sexless marriage any more. That was stressful to her. I also never hot on her, get physical with her, or make any moves that before she feared would just lead to me wanting sex that evening, only to be shot down.

The problem isn’t that you want sex. Problem is that you’re doing it by cheating. Can you just answer whether 1. You will never leave your wife and keep her as happy as you say you keep her, even after kids leave home? 2. Will you promise to not get the feels for anyone else outside of your marriage? Unless your answer to both of the questions is an unequivocal yes, you are not doing right by your wife. That is just selfish, a-hole thing to do. You’re it doing her any favors and she’s happy under false pretense. Man up and do the right thing: tell her. If she’s as happy as you say she is with the current situation, you may have an open marriage. If not, you will have an awesome life with someone younger than you and you will have amazing sex that you want and you will have done the right thing. I just see you winning this in the end. Just feel for your wife for marrying a coward. Man up and do the right thing. Give your wife her future with someone else who respects her and treats her like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you're looking for an argument, I don' have one to give. I never said I am altruistic. My cheating is only about me and my desire to have sex. It has nothing to do with her except that she started this ball rolling by completely closing the door to sex. That is all about her just as this is all about me. My wants and happiness is not all that counts. I do what I can to keep her happy and by most every measure, she is happy. And she is very happy to never have sex again and to not have me make an issue of it anymore. Maybe she will come around some day and we can resume. I'm not counting on it but I'll be ready if it happens. The same if she even brings it up and says she wants to work on it. I'll stop cheating immediately and help work it out. There are zero signs of that happening but the door is always open. I'd still rather have sex with my wife than anyone else. Even half as much as I'm getting now.
I'm not cheating her out of her future. She chooses a future that includes a sexless marriage and I'm dealing with that in my own way. I'm not cheating her out of anything in the present that she wants.

Bluntly, you are a selfish, narcissistic axxhole. Men like you remind me how grateful I am to have a husband who is truly a good person with integrity as a partner and parent to my kids. The bottom line is you have a massive character defect and that's all on you and has nothing to do with your wife or how much sex she is interested in having with you. You are not a good partner or even parent, of course she has no interest in sleeping with you. That's a result of your character defect, not the cause of it.

This is how ALL normal men with normal libidos think. And lots of women with healthy libidos too would agree. Nothing wrong with his integrity. It’s really just YOU who are the anomaly, thinking that a spouse can stop having sex and still have a lasting monogamous marriage?!?!! Nope. Any abnormal sexless spouse who “objects to cheating” must initiate divorce, otherwise it’s a de-facto DADT marriage just like PP has. His wife must be grateful for the affair partner responsible for saving their marriage.

I'm the A-hole you refer to. To be certain, this is NOT a problem that only relates to men. In my experience, there are an equal number of women dealing with this and they are so easy to find. I don't agree that it's an automatic DADT marriage if you refuse sex to your spouse. I think some spouses really are delusional enough to think they can pull that off and their spouse won't have the balls to do anything about it. I don't think my spouse would be grateful to find I'm having an affair. But I know she is relieved that I never bother her about our sexless marriage any more. That was stressful to her. I also never hot on her, get physical with her, or make any moves that before she feared would just lead to me wanting sex that evening, only to be shot down.

The problem isn’t that you want sex. Problem is that you’re doing it by cheating. Can you just answer whether 1. You will never leave your wife and keep her as happy as you say you keep her, even after kids leave home? 2. Will you promise to not get the feels for anyone else outside of your marriage? Unless your answer to both of the questions is an unequivocal yes, you are not doing right by your wife. That is just selfish, a-hole thing to do. You’re it doing her any favors and she’s happy under false pretense. Man up and do the right thing: tell her. If she’s as happy as you say she is with the current situation, you may have an open marriage. If not, you will have an awesome life with someone younger than you and you will have amazing sex that you want and you will have done the right thing. I just see you winning this in the end. Just feel for your wife for marrying a coward. Man up and do the right thing. Give your wife her future with someone else who respects her and treats her like an adult.

You won't answer my questions, above, so you just repeat your questions? You first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Listen, simple questions: Q1: will you make sure you won't divorce your wife later in life and keep her happy (as you state you do) all the time, even after your kids leave home?

You know so much about me and I know nothing about you. I think it's only fair that you answer a question or two for all the questions I've answered.
Do you have an active libido where you still desire sex at least once a week? Not duty sex but where you actually want it? If not, skip the rest of my questions and know that you are not qualified to ask me anything further. So don't. If you are a sexless wife, you are not justified to ask me anything.

You do? Great. OK, does your husband share you interest in sex and do you have sex on a somewhat regular basis where you both enjoy it?

And now, your question, but only if you've answered in the positive so far. Here is your scenario. Kids are grown and out of the house. Congratulations. You did a fine job. It's just you and H with all kinds of time to get as loud as you like at night and run around in whatever you want. BUTT... Here is the big butt in all this. H has decided he no longer wants sex. Period. Doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't think it's a problem. No need to talk to anyone else about it. Doesn't feel it should be a problem for you and you should just shut down your sex life, forever, like he has.
Will you make sure you won't divorce your husband later in life and keep him happy all the time, baring no resentment for his decision to shut down both your sex lives, even though you still want sex, perhaps more than ever now that your aren't getting it?

Anonymous wrote:Q2: Are you sure you won't have the "feels" for anyone else in the future?

It's not possible for me to see into the future so the obvious answer is, no. I can't be sure I won't get feelings for an AP. But I do what I can to not go there.

Anonymous wrote:If you are uncertain about either of these answers, you need to tell your wife and give your wife choices.

Nope, you don't get to tell me what I NEED to do in my marriage. Anymore than you would tell my wife that she NEEDS to go find her libido and try to save her marriage because, only a dumbass woman would think that not having sex with her husband is going to work out in the long run. And, she isn't dumb.

Anonymous wrote:You aren't doing right by her even though you state you are. You don't value her at all. It's a horrible way to treat your wife.

You're probably right. Suppose I never cheated. Just sucked it up another couple years with zero sex life and zero interest from her. If you were advising her, as you so freely advise me, would you tell her the same thing? Would you tell her that she doesn't value her husband, is treating him horribly, and should just get divorced because that's only fair to him?

I'll bet you don't answer my questions but I gave it a shot.

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do). I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him. I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that. I have too much respect for my husband. He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do. You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years. Why in 10 years? If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her. Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now. I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc. Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that? This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years. This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).

[Anonymous]

I don’t want to change my life, I just want the attention and excitement I don’t get at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do). I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him. I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that. I have too much respect for my husband. He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do. You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years. Why in 10 years? If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her. Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now. I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc. Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that? This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years. This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).

You don't know the question I'm asking? Can you read?

I'm not telling you about kids, if she works, etc. It's not relevant to the subject and I'm not giving you more information to dissect. I'm glad you don't have to deal with a H who refuses you, especially with your higher libido. I'm happy for you but I'll also say, I don't think you have any idea what you would do if it came to that. I know your heart bleeds for my poor, suffering, clueless wife but it's a waste of feelings. Even she wouldn't care. Yes I know, it's so unfair that I cheat on her. I couldn't care less. It's so unfair of her to pull sex off the table and refuse to even discuss it. So here we are.

"...why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her." Let her find someone else? I don't have her chained down. I'll "let her" do whatever she wants at this point in her young (although I never said she was young, or me) life. If she thinks she can land another man who will be happy to have a sexless relationship, she is free to go. I know they are out there.
I'm not stopping her. Really, I'm not. And yes, I must acknowledge this is DCUM so really, it's just me she doesn't want to have sex with because I'm such a ____. I'm sure if she gets with another man, she will find her libido and rock his world. Either way, she is free to go. She isn't trapped by the usual circumstances and I won't try to stop her. She is in this marriage because she wants to be and as long as I no longer bring up sex, she is content.

As for unfair because I don't tell her I'm cheating. Yes, I do that for my own selfish reasons but it's not totally unfair and it's not like I haven't told her anything. I've told her very clearly in words I know she understands, and not as a threat but just to be fair to her. I've told her I do not accept being in a sexless marriage and if she doesn't even want to discuss it, we don't have a future together. I told her that as kindly as possible many times. And it's not like I went out and cheated the next day once I told her. It was at least another two years of trying to talk to her before I gave up all hope of her caring how I felt about this or what it means to our marriage. So feel sorry for her if you like. She's in the marriage she wants, the way she wants it. Except for the part where I don't tell her how I'm meeting my needs for physical affection. I doubt she even wants to know.

For all of you who insist that I must tell her, I'll make you a deal. Should she ever care enough to ask, I will tell her with no hesitation. If she ever cares enough to raise the subject, I'll tell her exactly where things stand with me and then, as you say, she can make her own decisions about her future with or without me. But until then, I'm going to indulge her wish to remain in denial about our reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want to change my life, I just want the attention and excitement I don’t get at home.

Really? -after 22 my ears if marriage what “excitement” are we talking about?? A f@cking brass band in the front lawn?

When married people say sh@t like this, it sounds so stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want to change my life, I just want the attention and excitement I don’t get at home.

Really? -after 22 my ears if marriage what “excitement” are we talking about?? A f@cking brass band in the front lawn?

When married people say sh@t like this, it sounds so stupid.

I'm reading this like you really don't have any idea what he's talking about. Let me help you.

Excitement = sex.

Do you get it now? Some of us still enjoy sex to the poi t of getti g a bit excited about it sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you're looking for an argument, I don' have one to give. I never said I am altruistic. My cheating is only about me and my desire to have sex. It has nothing to do with her except that she started this ball rolling by completely closing the door to sex. That is all about her just as this is all about me. My wants and happiness is not all that counts. I do what I can to keep her happy and by most every measure, she is happy. And she is very happy to never have sex again and to not have me make an issue of it anymore. Maybe she will come around some day and we can resume. I'm not counting on it but I'll be ready if it happens. The same if she even brings it up and says she wants to work on it. I'll stop cheating immediately and help work it out. There are zero signs of that happening but the door is always open. I'd still rather have sex with my wife than anyone else. Even half as much as I'm getting now.
I'm not cheating her out of her future. She chooses a future that includes a sexless marriage and I'm dealing with that in my own way. I'm not cheating her out of anything in the present that she wants.

Bluntly, you are a selfish, narcissistic axxhole. Men like you remind me how grateful I am to have a husband who is truly a good person with integrity as a partner and parent to my kids. The bottom line is you have a massive character defect and that's all on you and has nothing to do with your wife or how much sex she is interested in having with you. You are not a good partner or even parent, of course she has no interest in sleeping with you. That's a result of your character defect, not the cause of it.

This is how ALL normal men with normal libidos think. And lots of women with healthy libidos too would agree. Nothing wrong with his integrity. It’s really just YOU who are the anomaly, thinking that a spouse can stop having sex and still have a lasting monogamous marriage?!?!! Nope. Any abnormal sexless spouse who “objects to cheating” must initiate divorce, otherwise it’s a de-facto DADT marriage just like PP has. His wife must be grateful for the affair partner responsible for saving their marriage.

I'm the A-hole you refer to. To be certain, this is NOT a problem that only relates to men. In my experience, there are an equal number of women dealing with this and they are so easy to find. I don't agree that it's an automatic DADT marriage if you refuse sex to your spouse. I think some spouses really are delusional enough to think they can pull that off and their spouse won't have the balls to do anything about it. I don't think my spouse would be grateful to find I'm having an affair. But I know she is relieved that I never bother her about our sexless marriage any more. That was stressful to her. I also never hot on her, get physical with her, or make any moves that before she feared would just lead to me wanting sex that evening, only to be shot down.

The problem isn’t that you want sex. Problem is that you’re doing it by cheating. Can you just answer whether 1. You will never leave your wife and keep her as happy as you say you keep her, even after kids leave home? 2. Will you promise to not get the feels for anyone else outside of your marriage? Unless your answer to both of the questions is an unequivocal yes, you are not doing right by your wife. That is just selfish, a-hole thing to do. You’re it doing her any favors and she’s happy under false pretense. Man up and do the right thing: tell her. If she’s as happy as you say she is with the current situation, you may have an open marriage. If not, you will have an awesome life with someone younger than you and you will have amazing sex that you want and you will have done the right thing. I just see you winning this in the end. Just feel for your wife for marrying a coward. Man up and do the right thing. Give your wife her future with someone else who respects her and treats her like an adult.

Big character flaw and who knows what psychological problems.

He should talk to his wife like an adult. Along these lines: "Listen us not having sex isn't healthy or normal. We need to go to counseling, or fix the problem."

I'm betting his wife has another take, so together they may find out what the problem is. It may not be sex. It may be something else and lack of sex is merely the symptom. For many women it's often resentment. Maybe he's cheated before, and maybe she's known all along what he's about. Who knows.

Last he needs to be upfront, he'll seek female companionship if she has no inclination to work on the problem. The result being a divorce. Which would be better than pp lying, cheating and living a sick double life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do). I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him. I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that. I have too much respect for my husband. He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do. You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years. Why in 10 years? If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her. Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now. I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc. Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that? This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years. This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).

You don't know the question I'm asking? Can you read?

I'm not telling you about kids, if she works, etc. It's not relevant to the subject and I'm not giving you more information to dissect. I'm glad you don't have to deal with a H who refuses you, especially with your higher libido. I'm happy for you but I'll also say, I don't think you have any idea what you would do if it came to that. I know your heart bleeds for my poor, suffering, clueless wife but it's a waste of feelings. Even she wouldn't care. Yes I know, it's so unfair that I cheat on her. I couldn't care less. It's so unfair of her to pull sex off the table and refuse to even discuss it. So here we are.

"...why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her." Let her find someone else? I don't have her chained down. I'll "let her" do whatever she wants at this point in her young (although I never said she was young, or me) life. If she thinks she can land another man who will be happy to have a sexless relationship, she is free to go. I know they are out there.
I'm not stopping her. Really, I'm not. And yes, I must acknowledge this is DCUM so really, it's just me she doesn't want to have sex with because I'm such a ____. I'm sure if she gets with another man, she will find her libido and rock his world. Either way, she is free to go. She isn't trapped by the usual circumstances and I won't try to stop her. She is in this marriage because she wants to be and as long as I no longer bring up sex, she is content.

As for unfair because I don't tell her I'm cheating. Yes, I do that for my own selfish reasons but it's not totally unfair and it's not like I haven't told her anything. I've told her very clearly in words I know she understands, and not as a threat but just to be fair to her. I've told her I do not accept being in a sexless marriage and if she doesn't even want to discuss it, we don't have a future together. I told her that as kindly as possible many times. And it's not like I went out and cheated the next day once I told her. It was at least another two years of trying to talk to her before I gave up all hope of her caring how I felt about this or what it means to our marriage. So feel sorry for her if you like. She's in the marriage she wants, the way she wants it. Except for the part where I don't tell her how I'm meeting my needs for physical affection. I doubt she even wants to know.

For all of you who insist that I must tell her, I'll make you a deal. Should she ever care enough to ask, I will tell her with no hesitation. If she ever cares enough to raise the subject, I'll tell her exactly where things stand with me and then, as you say, she can make her own decisions about her future with or without me. But until then, I'm going to indulge her wish to remain in denial about our reality.

It wouldn't be worth me losing my kids. Often kids find out down the road, or the other spouse will tell them. They would likely resent you.

What about couple's counseling???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't even know the question you're asking but I'll try based on what I understand (you keep on saying we don't answer your questions but we do). I have the libido as you mention and often higher than him. I will not cheat and will divorce before cheating if it ever comes to that. I have too much respect for my husband. He is an amazing man.

Problem in your scenario is that nothing changes for you now vs. in the future regarding sexlessness and so answering my questions now is the right thing to do. You mentioned earlier that you may consider divorce in 10 years. Why in 10 years? If you're already considering it in that time, why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her. Your reason for not telling her isn't about what's good for her, it's about your selfish reason to stay in the marriage for your convenience now. I guess it's easier for you while raising kids and sharing housework etc. Does she work and so also brings in income while doing all of that? This is so unfair to her that you cheat on her, don't want to tell her now because you don't want to divorce for 10 more years. This is the crux of it for all of the cheaters: they want a worker at home and new outside until hard part of life , raising kids and home and building career, is done. This is the reality and truth which you try to hide behind blah blah blah commentary. Give your wife her future now. Don't hide your intent from her (even though you say you're not sure, you are already thinking that far out).

You don't know the question I'm asking? Can you read?

I'm not telling you about kids, if she works, etc. It's not relevant to the subject and I'm not giving you more information to dissect. I'm glad you don't have to deal with a H who refuses you, especially with your higher libido. I'm happy for you but I'll also say, I don't think you have any idea what you would do if it came to that. I know your heart bleeds for my poor, suffering, clueless wife but it's a waste of feelings. Even she wouldn't care. Yes I know, it's so unfair that I cheat on her. I couldn't care less. It's so unfair of her to pull sex off the table and refuse to even discuss it. So here we are.

"...why not let your wife find someone else now when she's a bit younger and can find someone who's more respectful of her." Let her find someone else? I don't have her chained down. I'll "let her" do whatever she wants at this point in her young (although I never said she was young, or me) life. If she thinks she can land another man who will be happy to have a sexless relationship, she is free to go. I know they are out there.
I'm not stopping her. Really, I'm not. And yes, I must acknowledge this is DCUM so really, it's just me she doesn't want to have sex with because I'm such a ____. I'm sure if she gets with another man, she will find her libido and rock his world. Either way, she is free to go. She isn't trapped by the usual circumstances and I won't try to stop her. She is in this marriage because she wants to be and as long as I no longer bring up sex, she is content.

As for unfair because I don't tell her I'm cheating. Yes, I do that for my own selfish reasons but it's not totally unfair and it's not like I haven't told her anything. I've told her very clearly in words I know she understands, and not as a threat but just to be fair to her. I've told her I do not accept being in a sexless marriage and if she doesn't even want to discuss it, we don't have a future together. I told her that as kindly as possible many times. And it's not like I went out and cheated the next day once I told her. It was at least another two years of trying to talk to her before I gave up all hope of her caring how I felt about this or what it means to our marriage. So feel sorry for her if you like. She's in the marriage she wants, the way she wants it. Except for the part where I don't tell her how I'm meeting my needs for physical affection. I doubt she even wants to know.

For all of you who insist that I must tell her, I'll make you a deal. Should she ever care enough to ask, I will tell her with no hesitation. If she ever cares enough to raise the subject, I'll tell her exactly where things stand with me and then, as you say, she can make her own decisions about her future with or without me. But until then, I'm going to indulge her wish to remain in denial about our reality.

The bold is actually the crux of what you're doing in your own words. You do not tell her you are getting sex outside the marriage because it is not in your own interest. As another PP said above, you basically want to manipulate the situation so that you still get a value out of having a wife -- not sure quite what that is for you, maybe power, revenge, the feeling that you are not risking any money that could be lost in divorce, having a woman in the home to do work for you, having someone who participates (or maybe does most) of the work of parenting....

Whatever the reason it is clear that it is justified to you, and you go on to explain that you think it isn't "totally" unfair, and that you've told her in some words, that you don't accept not getting sex from her.

For me and my morals, I really don't understand why you don't take the next step and say, "since you aren't interested in having sex any more, I am going to go ahead and get my need for sex fulfilled outside the marriage, but since there are other things I value about our marriage/life, I am not filing for divorce. I prefer to remain married but just have sex outside the marriage."

But, it's clear that you fear that if you did something like that, you would no longer be in control of the situation or there would be some kind of negative consequence for you, whether tangible or simply emotional.

On the one hand, you seem pretty narcissistic, so it's hard to feel bad for you. On the other hand, the fact that your wife stopped sleeping with you clearly hurts you emotionally (although you would deny that), and much of what you write about your attitude seems like an effort to "get back at her" via cheating in a kind of subtextual way. The cheating clearly makes you feel like you hold the upper hand and are the "winner" in some sense.

Your contempt for her (and women in general) drips from the page, so much so that it's hard to imagine that you can successfully compartmentalize that from seeping into your real relationship with her.

I really hope you don't have kids.