S/O Reality of marriage for late 30s woman

[Anonymous]

For all the DHs complaining about lack of sex and wives who aren't affectionate any more, here's your chance to see the other side:

I have never been attracted to bad boys. The sweet, hard working guy was always the one for me. I am hard working too. I have been on my own since 18 and put myself through college and grad school. I busted my ass to pay off my debt by my late 20s and was self sufficient with a great job when I met DH. DH was a nice, shy guy from a two-parent family. Didn't believe in gende roles and in the early years, we both busted our asses at work and we both did chores. He talked a good game about being an equal partner and father once we had kids. Well, we decide to conceive. DH is over the moon throughout my pregnancy. Then kid arrives. He completely drops the ball. I do everything from waking up at night to bedtime, bathtime, pediatrician appointments. DH's excuse is that no one taught him how to take care of a baby, but complains of tiredness when I try to involve him. Mind you, no one handed me a manual either. Just to get him to do chores is a fight. I cook, I clean, I fix things around the house.

Fast forward two years and countless fights. I am making way more than him now because I was hungrier at work. I want to give up and let the home go to rot, but what kind of life will that be for my little girl? DH is also fat, having gained on a stocky frame. We ate together while I was pregnant and both gained 30lbs, but I lost the weight and he didn't. I am 124lbs at 5'8 - thinner than I was when we married - and have a four pack. Chubbiness can be cute and weight wouldn't bother me so much if he wasn't also lazy. A person should never be both fat AND lazy. He knows he does not deserve me and lives in fear of losing me. But the fear just makes him sad and depressed, which increases my contempt for him. I rush to vanquish my fears; he is defeated by them. I am not interested in sex with him and when we have sex, it stinks. He doesn't go down any more, finishes in 5 minutes, just awful. I still love him and want to save this marriage for my daughter's sake, but I feel tricked. This is not the marriage I expected at all.

I wonder how many of the whining beta DHs complaining about no sex on this forum are just like my DH. Why would anyone want to have sex with you?

[Anonymous]

You need to get yourself (and him) to therapy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hate to say it, but you've waited way too long to address these issues. You need to separate the issues and address them one at a time, NOT all at once. Prioritize your wishes.

1) Help around the house
2) Working out

Etc.

Then address them in a positive way. "DH could you do the laundry while I clean upstairs?"

"DH I'm willing to watch the kids of you want to go to the gym after work"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get yourself (and him) to therapy. Good luck.

We were both in individual counseling and marriage counseling for a while. He didn't want to do marriage counseling and, as hard as fitting it into my busy schedule was, I gave up on dragging him there after a few sessions. He is in a real rut. Separate and apart from our marriage, I worry about him as a person. He hates how he looks, hates his job (I hate mine too), and has totally failed as a husband. He keeps saying he knows he needs to make a change, but then after a week or so of helping out more, he'll go back to being content to let me bear most of the family responsibilities. He thinks I should be happy that he brings home a good check, and a lot of men think this way, but this isn't our parents' era. Women work just as much as men now, so what good is just a check doing me? I made it clear from day 1 that I wanted an equal partner and would, in turn, not just quit my job and stay home the way some women do. DHs who refuse to help out on the domestic front are betraying their vows just as much as DWs who refuse sex. The two often go hand in hand. Why would any woman want sex with a man who is like another liability?

[Anonymous]

Stop doing so much around the house. I told my DH upfront I'm not breaking my back to cook an clean. It can be a joint effort or it won't be done. And yes he needs to go to therapy because your husband obviously has depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing so much around the house. I told my DH upfront I'm not breaking my back to cook an clean. It can be a joint effort or it won't be done. And yes he needs to go to therapy because your husband obviously has depression.

I tried this and the house was a mess for two weeks. I eventually broke because seeing my little girl walking around in a dirty house broke my heart. I grew up with a spotless house and a mom who always had a delicious meal ready with fresh baked cookies. I cherish those memories and don't want my daughter to be denied that because her father doesn't mind living in filth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing so much around the house. I told my DH upfront I'm not breaking my back to cook an clean. It can be a joint effort or it won't be done. And yes he needs to go to therapy because your husband obviously has depression.

I tried this and the house was a mess for two weeks. I eventually broke because seeing my little girl walking around in a dirty house broke my heart. I grew up with a spotless house and a mom who always had a delicious meal ready with fresh baked cookies. I cherish those memories and don't want my daughter to be denied that because her father doesn't mind living in filth.

If you're making good $, is it in the budget to hire a cleaning company and/or good meal delivery services?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing so much around the house. I told my DH upfront I'm not breaking my back to cook an clean. It can be a joint effort or it won't be done. And yes he needs to go to therapy because your husband obviously has depression.

I tried this and the house was a mess for two weeks. I eventually broke because seeing my little girl walking around in a dirty house broke my heart. I grew up with a spotless house and a mom who always had a delicious meal ready with fresh baked cookies. I cherish those memories and don't want my daughter to be denied that because her father doesn't mind living in filth.

If you're making good $, is it in the budget to hire a cleaning company and/or good meal delivery services?

PP here - not that this solves the deeper problems, but it could at least give you a bit more breathing room and get closer to the kind of home environment you want without exhausting yourself completely. It's a hard rut to come out of for sure, and I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

So, where are the DHs in this thread?

[Anonymous]

You sound very challenging to love. This post comes across very hard, very contemptuous. You seem to have no awareness of him as a person, but only a list of measurements that he is not making the grade on. You have no idea what is going on with him. He has probably thrown in the towel across the board because it is pointless to try and all effort is rewarded with more criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You sound very challenging to love. This post comes across very hard, very contemptuous. You seem to have no awareness of him as a person, but only a list of measurements that he is not making the grade on. You have no idea what is going on with him. He has probably thrown in the towel across the board because it is pointless to try and all effort is rewarded with more criticism.

Let's see. DW gets fat, lazy and depressed, she sucks. DW is married to fat, lazy and depressed DH, she still sucks. Always the woman's fault.

[Anonymous]

Is the kid 2 now? I swear that was the worst year of my marriage. 1-2.5 years old.

What's his excuse when you ask him to do chores? Do you ask him to do specific things? I find this is easier than just expecting them to do half, or even some. If you said, "you do the dishes every night after dinner while I put Joey to bed," would he do it? Absence true depression or something, he needs to function like an adult and do his share. And I'd take the fight to get him in the routine. "I'm tired, too, but I'm grown and I do what grownups do. So please do the dishes."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the kid 2 now? I swear that was the worst year of my marriage. 1-2.5 years old.

What's his excuse when you ask him to do chores? Do you ask him to do specific things? I find this is easier than just expecting them to do half, or even some. If you said, "you do the dishes every night after dinner while I put Joey to bed," would he do it? Absence true depression or something, he needs to function like an adult and do his share. And I'd take the fight to get him in the routine. "I'm tired, too, but I'm grown and I do what grownups do. So please do the dishes."

Oh, and I say this as a fat but not lazy person. It does take more stamina to do a lot of this stuff if he's put on some significant weight and he's not used to it. Especially if he's sedentary. If he can start walking, even, for 45 minutes a day, hills and stuff, not just flat, he will quickly get back some stamina and be able to power through some of the regular drudgery more easily. If he's gotten himself into a slump routine of doing absolutely nothing, he will not have energy to do things. He needs to get moving in general.

And a physical exam to check for things like thyroid (or possibly depression) would help too.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is nice and shy, as you say. You're more of a hardass-- demanding, competitive, perfectionistic, and very competent. You're an alpha and he's a beta. He probably feels like you can sweep in and do everything better and then criticize and belittle him, to boot, so he gives up more and more.

I'd say there are things that could be done, things to improve his mental and physical health, changes to be made in the dynamic so that the positive gets brought out instead of all negatives.

However, you really seem to despise him. Contempt is a relationship killer. You're done. Just put him out of his misery.

[Anonymous]

How is he spending all of this leisure time?