S/O Reality of marriage for late 30s woman

[Anonymous]

Pp here and I'm not offended by your abs. I have my own. It just made me laugh that your whole post is basically how your husband isn't hot enough for you and you're so hot you can't believe you have to be with a 3. You actually said "he knows he isn't good enough for me." I mean, that attitude really says it all. If your marriage sucks you are probably an equal part of that as his fatness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here and I'm not offended by your abs. I have my own. It just made me laugh that your whole post is basically how your husband isn't hot enough for you and you're so hot you can't believe you have to be with a 3. You actually said "he knows he isn't good enough for me." I mean, that attitude really says it all. If your marriage sucks you are probably an equal part of that as his fatness.

OMG. GO AWAY.

If you havent gotten it from the thread thus far, no one appreciates your contributions.

In fact, we find you idiotic and annoying.

Run along now and troll someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like clinical depression. If a DH had posted such a 180 from his wife after a child most here would say PPD. His is obviously not hormonal, but I would bet this major life event, which he I'm sure realizes he was not up to the challenge of, has gotten him off the rails.

Suggest he see his pcp to discuss an anti-depressant.

I'm sorry things have turned this way for you OP. You seem really sweet

OP here and I do wonder if he is clinically depressed. The only thing is that he cheers up real quick whenever I do the chores without complaint. As soon as I have finished vacuuming and have something baking or simmering on the stove, he virtually skips around the clean house and asks what's for dinner with a grin. Clinical depression is not so easily lifted, so I feel as if clinical laziness is the problem here. He was raised by a stay at home mom who did all but wipe his ass for him. While he expressed disdain for that kind of lifestyle before we had a child, he now seems to be trying to settle into a role in which I wait on him hand and foot like mommy did. That is where a lot of my feelings of being tricked come from. If I had married a man who never pulled his own weight, that would be one thing. The fact, however, is that being equal partners and sharing both the chores and financial burdens was something we agreed on and implemented prior to having a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here and I'm not offended by your abs. I have my own. It just made me laugh that your whole post is basically how your husband isn't hot enough for you and you're so hot you can't believe you have to be with a 3. You actually said "he knows he isn't good enough for me." I mean, that attitude really says it all. If your marriage sucks you are probably an equal part of that as his fatness.

OMG. GO AWAY.

If you havent gotten it from the thread thus far, no one appreciates your contributions.

In fact, we find you idiotic and annoying.

Run along now and troll someone else.

OP here - thank you for writing this! I was just not going to engage further, but I appreciate you sending this well deserved dismissal that poster's way.

[Anonymous]

Many people are putting in penalties for female weight gain and withholding sex in a marriage contract. Husbands are prohibited from infidelity.

http://m.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/love-contracts-demands-weight-drugs-cheating-sex-article-1.1362310

Adding a few extra pounds can cost more than the price of a new wardrobe. One wife's prenuptial agreement limited her weight to 120 lbs. Penalty for being over the fighting weight: she gives up $100,000 of her separate property.

Another prenuptial agreement included a $500 fine for each excess pound the wife gained. All's fair in lifestyle clauses - one wife added a maximum weight stipulation of 180 lbs. for her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, if you were a man, I would tell you to expect less from your spouse regarding the house and hire someone to do more of the cleaning, laundry, yard work. I would also tell you that your spouse sounds depressed and needs to seek help (perhaps new medications if the ones currently taken aren't doing the job).

I would also tell you that you need to treat your spouse more lovingly. Try to talk to him more and really listen to what he tells you. Compliment him more (even if that is tough). Tell him more about what he is doing right and encourage those things.

But, if you try everything and get no response or improvement, you need to decide what you can live with and what you can't. But, being a single mom and working as hard as you do is not going to be easy. If your child is young enough to require full time care, you better think long and hard before you leave. The grass is not always greener.

OP here, what you read in my original post were my unfiltered thoughts provided in order to get advice. I don't speak to him so bluntly. Even after all this frustration, I still find him attractive and I love him. I see him look at himself with disgust sometimes and I tell him that I think he is sexy as he is. I compliment him and I mean it. As I wrote in the other thread, if he was making efforts and just happened to remain chubby because that is what his body wants to do right now, I would be okay with that. Not everyone is meant to be slim. It is the lack of effort that is killing me. We have a cleaner who comes every two weeks and all that has done is make him lazier. I don't want to spend all our disposable income on hiring help to enable him to make a bigger dent in the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like clinical depression. If a DH had posted such a 180 from his wife after a child most here would say PPD. His is obviously not hormonal, but I would bet this major life event, which he I'm sure realizes he was not up to the challenge of, has gotten him off the rails.

Suggest he see his pcp to discuss an anti-depressant.

I'm sorry things have turned this way for you OP. You seem really sweet

OP here and I do wonder if he is clinically depressed. The only thing is that he cheers up real quick whenever I do the chores without complaint. As soon as I have finished vacuuming and have something baking or simmering on the stove, he virtually skips around the clean house and asks what's for dinner with a grin. Clinical depression is not so easily lifted, so I feel as if clinical laziness is the problem here. He was raised by a stay at home mom who did all but wipe his ass for him. While he expressed disdain for that kind of lifestyle before we had a child, he now seems to be trying to settle into a role in which I wait on him hand and foot like mommy did. That is where a lot of my feelings of being tricked come from. If I had married a man who never pulled his own weight, that would be one thing. The fact, however, is that being equal partners and sharing both the chores and financial burdens was something we agreed on and implemented prior to having a child.

I'm so sorry, OP. It does sound like he's purposefully trying to regress the whole household to some kind of 1950s Stepford setup.

Can you sit him down and communicate to him the level of your frustration?

If he refuses to listen, I honestly think that what you've described is no way to live. You are way more patient than me. That kind of behavior would just disgust me on so many levels

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all the DHs complaining about lack of sex and wives who aren't affectionate any more, here's your chance to see the other side:

I have never been attracted to bad boys. The sweet, hard working guy was always the one for me. I am hard working too. I have been on my own since 18 and put myself through college and grad school. I busted my ass to pay off my debt by my late 20s and was self sufficient with a great job when I met DH. DH was a nice, shy guy from a two-parent family. Didn't believe in gende roles and in the early years, we both busted our asses at work and we both did chores. He talked a good game about being an equal partner and father once we had kids. Well, we decide to conceive. DH is over the moon throughout my pregnancy. Then kid arrives. He completely drops the ball. I do everything from waking up at night to bedtime, bathtime, pediatrician appointments. DH's excuse is that no one taught him how to take care of a baby, but complains of tiredness when I try to involve him. Mind you, no one handed me a manual either. Just to get him to do chores is a fight. I cook, I clean, I fix things around the house.

Fast forward two years and countless fights. I am making way more than him now because I was hungrier at work. I want to give up and let the home go to rot, but what kind of life will that be for my little girl? DH is also fat, having gained on a stocky frame. We ate together while I was pregnant and both gained 30lbs, but I lost the weight and he didn't. I am 124lbs at 5'8 - thinner than I was when we married - and have a four pack. Chubbiness can be cute and weight wouldn't bother me so much if he wasn't also lazy. A person should never be both fat AND lazy. He knows he does not deserve me and lives in fear of losing me. But the fear just makes him sad and depressed, which increases my contempt for him. I rush to vanquish my fears; he is defeated by them. I am not interested in sex with him and when we have sex, it stinks. He doesn't go down any more, finishes in 5 minutes, just awful. I still love him and want to save this marriage for my daughter's sake, but I feel tricked. This is not the marriage I expected at all.

I wonder how many of the whining beta DHs complaining about no sex on this forum are just like my DH. Why would anyone want to have sex with you?

DH here to try to give you some advice.

First, I sympathize with you. You have a right to be pissed.

Second, I am very different from your husband (I am high earning alpha type - I hate that term but you know what it means). But I am also kind of a slob in that my standards for what I like in a clean house are wildly lower than my wife. Also, being cut off from sex or realizing my wife isn't enjoying sex with me would cause me self doubt and sadness, and a downward spiral in our relationship.

So onto the advice. Be very direct. "I need you to help out more around the house. I would like you to do the dishes every night after work, and the toilets and bathrooms once a week. I need you to put your laundry in the machine. etc."

Sexually, you have a legit beef. I don't understand men who don't go down on women (Both for their own sake and for their wives - oral sex should be standard in every relationship). But I wonder if he is doing this sexually because he knows you don't want to be having sex with him, you don't enjoy it, so he is doing what he must to just finish and leave you alone. Again, I would be very specific - I miss you going down on me, I would like that more. I need x, y, and z from you in bed to enjoy myself.

As for the weight loss, what would motivate me is the sexual aspect. If DW said "I think you are sexy, but I get really turned on when you get home from the gym and I love the way your body feels after a work out" I would be at the gym every day.

Good luck, you have some legit complaints here. Even implementing what I wrote admittedly sounds unsexy and exhausting, but perhaps if you can be the big person one last time and extend the goodwill to jumpstart this he will respond and a positive reinforcement cycle will develop.

Thank you. This is helpful, especially the advice on how to get him to the gym. Giving him specific instructions on what to do around the house is very tiring. I have tried it, but I don't really want a child who I am instructing in everything. I feel very resentful when I have to micromanage him and even that doesn't always work because he gets in stubborn moods.

Honestly, the advice in this thread is making me lose hope because I have tried a lot of this. I am hanging on to give my daughter a two-parent home. There have been times when I nearly threw in the towel and he snapped to life just long enough to make me stay, but nowadays, his promises mean little. My daughter means the world to me though and I just hate the idea of her family being broken up. I am really mad at DH because I feel as if I have to choose between my daughter's happiness and mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like clinical depression. If a DH had posted such a 180 from his wife after a child most here would say PPD. His is obviously not hormonal, but I would bet this major life event, which he I'm sure realizes he was not up to the challenge of, has gotten him off the rails.

Suggest he see his pcp to discuss an anti-depressant.

I'm sorry things have turned this way for you OP. You seem really sweet

OP here and I do wonder if he is clinically depressed. The only thing is that he cheers up real quick whenever I do the chores without complaint. As soon as I have finished vacuuming and have something baking or simmering on the stove, he virtually skips around the clean house and asks what's for dinner with a grin. Clinical depression is not so easily lifted, so I feel as if clinical laziness is the problem here. He was raised by a stay at home mom who did all but wipe his ass for him. While he expressed disdain for that kind of lifestyle before we had a child, he now seems to be trying to settle into a role in which I wait on him hand and foot like mommy did. That is where a lot of my feelings of being tricked come from. If I had married a man who never pulled his own weight, that would be one thing. The fact, however, is that being equal partners and sharing both the chores and financial burdens was something we agreed on and implemented prior to having a child.

Haha OP I love that! I'm the PP you are responding to here and you may be on to something. While he may still have some depression, and it is worth discussing w his PCP, maybe he is mostly taking you for granted. You should read him the story of the Little Red Hen

One thing when you have a type A with a type B, or even just a neat person vs a slob, is have a formal chores chart, with rewards for completing all tasks and penalties for not doing so. You can get creative with it, but he needs to know it is a problem that threatens the marriage if it doesn't change.

For the fitness aspect, can you find a gym with childcare so you both can go?

As far as work/income, he doesn't have that drive in his nature; maybe suggest he find work doing what he loves; at least then you will admire the effort he puts into it, since either way his income is going to lag.

Seriously I'm pullling for you, and am glad you aren't just bailing; I doubt you would have trouble finding someone, but as someone whose mom left a lazy dad, I sure wish he could have gotten his shit together. I hope your husband will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like clinical depression. If a DH had posted such a 180 from his wife after a child most here would say PPD. His is obviously not hormonal, but I would bet this major life event, which he I'm sure realizes he was not up to the challenge of, has gotten him off the rails.

Suggest he see his pcp to discuss an anti-depressant.

I'm sorry things have turned this way for you OP. You seem really sweet

OP here and I do wonder if he is clinically depressed. The only thing is that he cheers up real quick whenever I do the chores without complaint. As soon as I have finished vacuuming and have something baking or simmering on the stove, he virtually skips around the clean house and asks what's for dinner with a grin. Clinical depression is not so easily lifted, so I feel as if clinical laziness is the problem here. He was raised by a stay at home mom who did all but wipe his ass for him. While he expressed disdain for that kind of lifestyle before we had a child, he now seems to be trying to settle into a role in which I wait on him hand and foot like mommy did. That is where a lot of my feelings of being tricked come from. If I had married a man who never pulled his own weight, that would be one thing. The fact, however, is that being equal partners and sharing both the chores and financial burdens was something we agreed on and implemented prior to having a child.

Haha OP I love that! I'm the PP you are responding to here and you may be on to something. While he may still have some depression, and it is worth discussing w his PCP, maybe he is mostly taking you for granted. You should read him the story of the Little Red Hen

One thing when you have a type A with a type B, or even just a neat person vs a slob, is have a formal chores chart, with rewards for completing all tasks and penalties for not doing so. You can get creative with it, but he needs to know it is a problem that threatens the marriage if it doesn't change.

For the fitness aspect, can you find a gym with childcare so you both can go?

As far as work/income, he doesn't have that drive in his nature; maybe suggest he find work doing what he loves; at least then you will admire the effort he puts into it, since either way his income is going to lag.

Seriously I'm pullling for you, and am glad you aren't just bailing; I doubt you would have trouble finding someone, but as someone whose mom left a lazy dad, I sure wish he could have gotten his shit together. I hope your husband will.

What happened to your dad after they split? Did he step up and do what he had to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like clinical depression. If a DH had posted such a 180 from his wife after a child most here would say PPD. His is obviously not hormonal, but I would bet this major life event, which he I'm sure realizes he was not up to the challenge of, has gotten him off the rails.

Suggest he see his pcp to discuss an anti-depressant.

I'm sorry things have turned this way for you OP. You seem really sweet

OP here and I do wonder if he is clinically depressed. The only thing is that he cheers up real quick whenever I do the chores without complaint. As soon as I have finished vacuuming and have something baking or simmering on the stove, he virtually skips around the clean house and asks what's for dinner with a grin. Clinical depression is not so easily lifted, so I feel as if clinical laziness is the problem here. He was raised by a stay at home mom who did all but wipe his ass for him. While he expressed disdain for that kind of lifestyle before we had a child, he now seems to be trying to settle into a role in which I wait on him hand and foot like mommy did. That is where a lot of my feelings of being tricked come from. If I had married a man who never pulled his own weight, that would be one thing. The fact, however, is that being equal partners and sharing both the chores and financial burdens was something we agreed on and implemented prior to having a child.

Haha OP I love that! I'm the PP you are responding to here and you may be on to something. While he may still have some depression, and it is worth discussing w his PCP, maybe he is mostly taking you for granted. You should read him the story of the Little Red Hen

One thing when you have a type A with a type B, or even just a neat person vs a slob, is have a formal chores chart, with rewards for completing all tasks and penalties for not doing so. You can get creative with it, but he needs to know it is a problem that threatens the marriage if it doesn't change.

For the fitness aspect, can you find a gym with childcare so you both can go?

As far as work/income, he doesn't have that drive in his nature; maybe suggest he find work doing what he loves; at least then you will admire the effort he puts into it, since either way his income is going to lag.

Seriously I'm pullling for you, and am glad you aren't just bailing; I doubt you would have trouble finding someone, but as someone whose mom left a lazy dad, I sure wish he could have gotten his shit together. I hope your husband will.

What happened to your dad after they split? Did he step up and do what he had to?

Unfortunately no. He kind of disappeared, never paid child support, saw him every few christmases. The good thing is I had crazy drive to succeed just so I wouldn't be like him (maybe too much). I am also a much better father and (hopefully) husband, because I never want my family to go through what I did. I was 8 or 9 when it happened, messed me up quite a bit; my brother was 4 and never even missed him, fwiw.

[Anonymous]

OP: Sounds like you have already found the replacement for your hubby and to a large extent are attempting to retroactively justify the inevitable affair and final split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

+1. She had me till the 4 pack comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many people are putting in penalties for female weight gain and withholding sex in a marriage contract. Husbands are prohibited from infidelity.

http://m.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/love-contracts-demands-weight-drugs-cheating-sex-article-1.1362310

Adding a few extra pounds can cost more than the price of a new wardrobe. One wife's prenuptial agreement limited her weight to 120 lbs. Penalty for being over the fighting weight: she gives up $100,000 of her separate property.

Another prenuptial agreement included a $500 fine for each excess pound the wife gained. All's fair in lifestyle clauses - one wife added a maximum weight stipulation of 180 lbs. for her husband.

I think this makes a LOT of sense. Many of these are really big deal, but the fog of being "in love" means such details are not always discussed. So instead of an explicit conversation, and written agreement, the couple blindly assumes that whatever "status quo" was established prior to marriage will be maintained. Then later on, some form of "bait and switch" occurs but there is no recourse. Even if the legal basis is weak, I think this allows partners to make clear exactly what's important to them long term

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all the DHs complaining about lack of sex and wives who aren't affectionate any more, here's your chance to see the other side:

I have never been attracted to bad boys. The sweet, hard working guy was always the one for me. I am hard working too. I have been on my own since 18 and put myself through college and grad school. I busted my ass to pay off my debt by my late 20s and was self sufficient with a great job when I met DH. DH was a nice, shy guy from a two-parent family. Didn't believe in gende roles and in the early years, we both busted our asses at work and we both did chores. He talked a good game about being an equal partner and father once we had kids. Well, we decide to conceive. DH is over the moon throughout my pregnancy. Then kid arrives. He completely drops the ball. I do everything from waking up at night to bedtime, bathtime, pediatrician appointments. DH's excuse is that no one taught him how to take care of a baby, but complains of tiredness when I try to involve him. Mind you, no one handed me a manual either. Just to get him to do chores is a fight. I cook, I clean, I fix things around the house.

Fast forward two years and countless fights. I am making way more than him now because I was hungrier at work. I want to give up and let the home go to rot, but what kind of life will that be for my little girl? DH is also fat, having gained on a stocky frame. We ate together while I was pregnant and both gained 30lbs, but I lost the weight and he didn't. I am 124lbs at 5'8 - thinner than I was when we married - and have a four pack. Chubbiness can be cute and weight wouldn't bother me so much if he wasn't also lazy. A person should never be both fat AND lazy. He knows he does not deserve me and lives in fear of losing me. But the fear just makes him sad and depressed, which increases my contempt for him. I rush to vanquish my fears; he is defeated by them. I am not interested in sex with him and when we have sex, it stinks. He doesn't go down any more, finishes in 5 minutes, just awful. I still love him and want to save this marriage for my daughter's sake, but I feel tricked. This is not the marriage I expected at all.

I wonder how many of the whining beta DHs complaining about no sex on this forum are just like my DH. Why would anyone want to have sex with you?

All of the ignorant and intolerant comments aside. I can guarantee you that the contempt that's coming through in your post doesn't even come close to the contempt your husband has for himself. Or the disappointment he has for himself. The laziness and lack of drive comes from his depression, he is dragging through the mud. Somewhere in there the man you loved, your equal partner, is in there dying to come back to you. I bet no one wants what you had before, back, more than he does. It's fantastic that you were able to spring back from pregnancy and get back in shape. Not everyone has the genetics and hormonal balance to pull it off like you did, despite their best intentions. It sounds like his weight gain and the adjustment to having a child really threw him for a loop. He knows why you're not interested in having sex with him. I'm sure he's just as disgusted with himself.
I hope you guys can work through this.