S/O Reality of marriage for late 30s woman

[Anonymous]

You sound perfect. I'm sorry that you got saddled with imperfection.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like clinical depression. If a DH had posted such a 180 from his wife after a child most here would say PPD. His is obviously not hormonal, but I would bet this major life event, which he I'm sure realizes he was not up to the challenge of, has gotten him off the rails.

Suggest he see his pcp to discuss an anti-depressant.

I'm sorry things have turned this way for you OP. You seem really sweet

[Anonymous]

I was with you until "beta husbands".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing so much around the house. I told my DH upfront I'm not breaking my back to cook an clean. It can be a joint effort or it won't be done. And yes he needs to go to therapy because your husband obviously has depression.

I tried this and the house was a mess for two weeks. I eventually broke because seeing my little girl walking around in a dirty house broke my heart. I grew up with a spotless house and a mom who always had a delicious meal ready with fresh baked cookies. I cherish those memories and don't want my daughter to be denied that because her father doesn't mind living in filth.

I'm sorry OP- this sounds horrific for you.

He is by FAR getting the better deal. Someone like you will get snatched up on the dating market.

Dump him, preferably sooner rather than later, to improve your dating chances.

[Anonymous]

So, if you were a man, I would tell you to expect less from your spouse regarding the house and hire someone to do more of the cleaning, laundry, yard work. I would also tell you that your spouse sounds depressed and needs to seek help (perhaps new medications if the ones currently taken aren't doing the job).

I would also tell you that you need to treat your spouse more lovingly. Try to talk to him more and really listen to what he tells you. Compliment him more (even if that is tough). Tell him more about what he is doing right and encourage those things.

But, if you try everything and get no response or improvement, you need to decide what you can live with and what you can't. But, being a single mom and working as hard as you do is not going to be easy. If your child is young enough to require full time care, you better think long and hard before you leave. The grass is not always greener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get yourself (and him) to therapy. Good luck.

No. She needs to either change men or her attitude.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. Try not criticizing or belittling him at all for one whole month. Be positive, supportive, and loving. See if there is any change. It sounds like you both are caught up in the downward spiral and your attitude and contempt have reaped nothing positive.
I know it will be hard but consider it a challenge. Do it for your DD. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is nice and shy, as you say. You're more of a hardass-- demanding, competitive, perfectionistic, and very competent. You're an alpha and he's a beta. He probably feels like you can sweep in and do everything better and then criticize and belittle him, to boot, so he gives up more and more.

I'd say there are things that could be done, things to improve his mental and physical health, changes to be made in the dynamic so that the positive gets brought out instead of all negatives.

However, you really seem to despise him. Contempt is a relationship killer. You're done. Just put him out of his misery.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is nice and shy, as you say. You're more of a hardass-- demanding, competitive, perfectionistic, and very competent. You're an alpha and he's a beta. He probably feels like you can sweep in and do everything better and then criticize and belittle him, to boot, so he gives up more and more.

I'd say there are things that could be done, things to improve his mental and physical health, changes to be made in the dynamic so that the positive gets brought out instead of all negatives.

However, you really seem to despise him. Contempt is a relationship killer. You're done. Just put him out of his misery.

+1

Oh please. NP here. You stop trying to cast op as some mustache twirling cartoon villain. It's absurd.

[Anonymous]

No one cast OP as a villain. There's nothing wrong with who she is. She's a high-achieving woman with high expectations of others. Her husband isn't meeting any of them. She compares herself to him and says she's better in every way. She finds nothing redeeming about him other than that he's "nice," and that isn't enough for her. That doesn't make her a villain.

Read her descriptions of her husband and pretend this was a man speaking about his wife. Her words are full of contempt, and she said she despises him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing so much around the house. I told my DH upfront I'm not breaking my back to cook an clean. It can be a joint effort or it won't be done. And yes he needs to go to therapy because your husband obviously has depression.

I tried this and the house was a mess for two weeks. I eventually broke because seeing my little girl walking around in a dirty house broke my heart. I grew up with a spotless house and a mom who always had a delicious meal ready with fresh baked cookies. I cherish those memories and don't want my daughter to be denied that because her father doesn't mind living in filth.

I'm sorry OP- this sounds horrific for you.

He is by FAR getting the better deal. Someone like you will get snatched up on the dating market.

Dump him, preferably sooner rather than later, to improve your dating chances.

Flawless sarcasm, bravo.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing so much around the house. I told my DH upfront I'm not breaking my back to cook an clean. It can be a joint effort or it won't be done. And yes he needs to go to therapy because your husband obviously has depression.

I tried this and the house was a mess for two weeks. I eventually broke because seeing my little girl walking around in a dirty house broke my heart. I grew up with a spotless house and a mom who always had a delicious meal ready with fresh baked cookies. I cherish those memories and don't want my daughter to be denied that because her father doesn't mind living in filth.

I'm sorry OP- this sounds horrific for you.

He is by FAR getting the better deal. Someone like you will get snatched up on the dating market.

Dump him, preferably sooner rather than later, to improve your dating chances.

Flawless sarcasm, bravo.

Erm, that wasn't sarcasm, and I'm not quite sure why you would think it was


This is awkward...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is nice and shy, as you say. You're more of a hardass-- demanding, competitive, perfectionistic, and very competent. You're an alpha and he's a beta. He probably feels like you can sweep in and do everything better and then criticize and belittle him, to boot, so he gives up more and more.

I'd say there are things that could be done, things to improve his mental and physical health, changes to be made in the dynamic so that the positive gets brought out instead of all negatives.

However, you really seem to despise him. Contempt is a relationship killer. You're done. Just put him out of his misery.

+1

Oh please. NP here. You stop trying to cast op as some mustache twirling cartoon villain. It's absurd.

+1
She did her did all the 'right' things but ended up with a dud. She's understandably upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

Maybe you don't understand how DCUM works? Two different threads.