S/O Reality of marriage for late 30s woman

[Anonymous]

I just don't get how this post is very supportive of Op when men write the same post all the time and get BLASTED for it! Seriously, how many "I help around the house and wife is lazy and doesn't do anything and complains and gained weight and doesn't want sex" posts have been posted only for men to be excoriated and told they need to be sympathetic to their wife and supportive and shut up because women gain weight, wow, so glad my husband didn't marry me for my weight and loves me anyway! Such a double standard on this board.

[Anonymous]

Being henpecked will drive men to fat and lazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get how this post is very supportive of Op when men write the same post all the time and get BLASTED for it! Seriously, how many "I help around the house and wife is lazy and doesn't do anything and complains and gained weight and doesn't want sex" posts have been posted only for men to be excoriated and told they need to be sympathetic to their wife and supportive and shut up because women gain weight, wow, so glad my husband didn't marry me for my weight and loves me anyway! Such a double standard on this board.

What excuse does a man have for getting fat? High estrogen levels and pregnancy? Nope! A fat man is one who eats too damn much and is lazy as hell. Between higher testosterone levels, lower estrogen/progesterone, greater muscle mass, higher metabolism, and never being pregnant, men have every advantage stacked in favor of staying in shape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being henpecked will drive men to fat and lazy

Sounds like the kind of pathetic excuse a fat, lazy, no-responsibility-taking man would make.

[Anonymous]

So asking a man to put his clothes in the hamper is 'hen pecking'? IN what universe?

[Anonymous]

OP I feel for you and I hope things work out. You mention that his background is a stay at home mom who waited on him and you don't want to re-create that. It sounds like your background was a mom who kept a spotless house and regularly baked cookies. Maybe you need to give some of that up and loosen the reins a little. Your daughter will be fine in a slightly messy house. I grew up in a slightly disorganized house and my house is mildly messy but I'm happy and so are my kids. Your mood, state of mind and marriage will impact your daughter much more than a few dirty dishes or dust bunnies. Maybe try to lower your expectations a bit. Get the house cleaner to come once a weeks and talk to your DH about what chores he prefers. Maybe he'd rather do yard work or laundry. Have you asked him what's going on with him? My DH is not very good with regular chores, but neither am I, so we muddle along and accept the fact that our house isn't perfect. I don't want to criticize, just trying to give you some ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So asking a man to put his clothes in the hamper is 'hen pecking'? IN what universe?

I already put my clothes in the hamper, which is why I don't need anyone to tell me to do it, which is why I don't allow women to live in my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So asking a man to put his clothes in the hamper is 'hen pecking'? IN what universe?

I already put my clothes in the hamper, which is why I don't need anyone to tell me to do it, which is why I don't allow women to live in my home.

I'm sure dozens are trying to beat down your door.

On behalf of women everywhere, thank you for not "allowing" us there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So asking a man to put his clothes in the hamper is 'hen pecking'? IN what universe?

I already put my clothes in the hamper, which is why I don't need anyone to tell me to do it, which is why I don't allow women to live in my home.

I am sure the ladies are just weeping not to have a lazy liability like you under their roofs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, if you were a man, I would tell you to expect less from your spouse regarding the house and hire someone to do more of the cleaning, laundry, yard work. I would also tell you that your spouse sounds depressed and needs to seek help (perhaps new medications if the ones currently taken aren't doing the job).

I would also tell you that you need to treat your spouse more lovingly. Try to talk to him more and really listen to what he tells you. Compliment him more (even if that is tough). Tell him more about what he is doing right and encourage those things.

But, if you try everything and get no response or improvement, you need to decide what you can live with and what you can't. But, being a single mom and working as hard as you do is not going to be easy. If your child is young enough to require full time care, you better think long and hard before you leave. The grass is not always greener.

Do you want a husband or a plumber, launderer, gardner, butler, etc.? If you want the latter, you can hire the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, if you were a man, I would tell you to expect less from your spouse regarding the house and hire someone to do more of the cleaning, laundry, yard work. I would also tell you that your spouse sounds depressed and needs to seek help (perhaps new medications if the ones currently taken aren't doing the job).

I would also tell you that you need to treat your spouse more lovingly. Try to talk to him more and really listen to what he tells you. Compliment him more (even if that is tough). Tell him more about what he is doing right and encourage those things.

But, if you try everything and get no response or improvement, you need to decide what you can live with and what you can't. But, being a single mom and working as hard as you do is not going to be easy. If your child is young enough to require full time care, you better think long and hard before you leave. The grass is not always greener.

Do you want a husband or a plumber, launderer, gardner, butler, etc.? If you want the latter, you can hire the former.

What are you talking about? OP wants someone who does what she does. Why are men always trying to make rocket science out of not being useless at home?

[Anonymous]

If you have cleaners come every two weeks and you still spend a significant amount of time cleaning then your standards are much higher than the average person. We also have biweekly cleaners and the only thing left afterwards is laundry, cooking and cleaning up after dinner. If we have guests coming over then I'll vacuum the rugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have cleaners come every two weeks and you still spend a significant amount of time cleaning then your standards are much higher than the average person. We also have biweekly cleaners and the only thing left afterwards is laundry, cooking and cleaning up after dinner. If we have guests coming over then I'll vacuum the rugs.

OP here - I commend you if laundry, cooking, and daily cleaning up after three people, one of whom is a small child, takes you only an insignificant amount of time. You are clearly better at this wife/mother thing.

[Anonymous]

Or you don't have to have the perfect house. A little mess here and there for the sake of a happy relationship is a good trade IMHO. It worked for my parents. Life is too f**king short to waste on this insignificant BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have cleaners come every two weeks and you still spend a significant amount of time cleaning then your standards are much higher than the average person. We also have biweekly cleaners and the only thing left afterwards is laundry, cooking and cleaning up after dinner. If we have guests coming over then I'll vacuum the rugs.

OP here - I commend you if laundry, cooking, and daily cleaning up after three people, one of whom is a small child, takes you only an insignificant amount of time. You are clearly better at this wife/mother thing.

Well to be fair my husband cleans up after dinner. Does yours really just sit on the couch while you cook, clean up and put DD to bed?

Unlike you I don't bake and my house is probably not as clean as yours, so no I'm not a better wife or mother. However you mentioned in a previous post that when you stopped cleaning it broke your heart to see your daughter living in filth. That's hard to imagine if you have cleaners.

There isn't a lot of down time on the weekdays for us but weekends we like to go out as a family. I highly recommend going on family hikes. Put DD in a backpack carrier, pack a lunch and spend some time in nature. It would also allow your husband to get some exercise.