S/O Reality of marriage for late 30s woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

Or do you just think it's hilarious that anyone might be proud of staying in shape? Please do let us know.

[Anonymous]

I saw outsource some of the work so that you aren't as busy and resentful. Then have a come to jesus with him about the state of the relationship and share with him some of what you said here about loving him and wanting it to work. Kids put pressure on marriages that people don't expect and often don't know how to navigate. I hope it all works out for you two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all the DHs complaining about lack of sex and wives who aren't affectionate any more, here's your chance to see the other side:

I have never been attracted to bad boys. The sweet, hard working guy was always the one for me. I am hard working too. I have been on my own since 18 and put myself through college and grad school. I busted my ass to pay off my debt by my late 20s and was self sufficient with a great job when I met DH. DH was a nice, shy guy from a two-parent family. Didn't believe in gende roles and in the early years, we both busted our asses at work and we both did chores. He talked a good game about being an equal partner and father once we had kids. Well, we decide to conceive. DH is over the moon throughout my pregnancy. Then kid arrives. He completely drops the ball. I do everything from waking up at night to bedtime, bathtime, pediatrician appointments. DH's excuse is that no one taught him how to take care of a baby, but complains of tiredness when I try to involve him. Mind you, no one handed me a manual either. Just to get him to do chores is a fight. I cook, I clean, I fix things around the house.

Fast forward two years and countless fights. I am making way more than him now because I was hungrier at work. I want to give up and let the home go to rot, but what kind of life will that be for my little girl? DH is also fat, having gained on a stocky frame. We ate together while I was pregnant and both gained 30lbs, but I lost the weight and he didn't. I am 124lbs at 5'8 - thinner than I was when we married - and have a four pack. Chubbiness can be cute and weight wouldn't bother me so much if he wasn't also lazy. A person should never be both fat AND lazy. He knows he does not deserve me and lives in fear of losing me. But the fear just makes him sad and depressed, which increases my contempt for him. I rush to vanquish my fears; he is defeated by them. I am not interested in sex with him and when we have sex, it stinks. He doesn't go down any more, finishes in 5 minutes, just awful. I still love him and want to save this marriage for my daughter's sake, but I feel tricked. This is not the marriage I expected at all.

I wonder how many of the whining beta DHs complaining about no sex on this forum are just like my DH. Why would anyone want to have sex with you?

DH here to try to give you some advice.

First, I sympathize with you. You have a right to be pissed.

Second, I am very different from your husband (I am high earning alpha type - I hate that term but you know what it means). But I am also kind of a slob in that my standards for what I like in a clean house are wildly lower than my wife. Also, being cut off from sex or realizing my wife isn't enjoying sex with me would cause me self doubt and sadness, and a downward spiral in our relationship.

So onto the advice. Be very direct. "I need you to help out more around the house. I would like you to do the dishes every night after work, and the toilets and bathrooms once a week. I need you to put your laundry in the machine. etc."

Sexually, you have a legit beef. I don't understand men who don't go down on women (Both for their own sake and for their wives - oral sex should be standard in every relationship). But I wonder if he is doing this sexually because he knows you don't want to be having sex with him, you don't enjoy it, so he is doing what he must to just finish and leave you alone. Again, I would be very specific - I miss you going down on me, I would like that more. I need x, y, and z from you in bed to enjoy myself.

As for the weight loss, what would motivate me is the sexual aspect. If DW said "I think you are sexy, but I get really turned on when you get home from the gym and I love the way your body feels after a work out" I would be at the gym every day.

Good luck, you have some legit complaints here. Even implementing what I wrote admittedly sounds unsexy and exhausting, but perhaps if you can be the big person one last time and extend the goodwill to jumpstart this he will respond and a positive reinforcement cycle will develop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

Or do you just think it's hilarious that anyone might be proud of staying in shape? Please do let us know.

No, I am in shape. I just don't go around talking about the specific amount of abs I have and what I weigh and how tall I am. Her husband does sound lazy but she sounds annoying too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

Or do you just think it's hilarious that anyone might be proud of staying in shape? Please do let us know.

No, I am in shape. I just don't go around talking about the specific amount of abs I have and what I weigh and how tall I am. Her husband does sound lazy but she sounds annoying too.

She's painting a picture because anytime someone comes here complaining about their spouse's weight the first comments are 'well what do you look like? Bet you're no prize either. You're probably fat too'. I took it as her just nipping those comments in the bud.

[Anonymous]

How many women actually use 'beta' to describe a guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get yourself (and him) to therapy. Good luck.

Therapy isn't the answer for everything.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me as if you have lost all romantic attraction to this man. I don't blame you. There is nothing even remotely sexy about a man who has no drive/ambition, is a lazy father and sucks in the bedroom.

Wow...What a catch. Not!!

You know OP you have an advantage over him. Since you are doing better in your career, you are not relying on him to support you. You are one of the lucky few women who have the option on the table to leave this miserable union.

And I hope you do....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

Or do you just think it's hilarious that anyone might be proud of staying in shape? Please do let us know.

No, I am in shape. I just don't go around talking about the specific amount of abs I have and what I weigh and how tall I am. Her husband does sound lazy but she sounds annoying too.

Very annoying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

Or do you just think it's hilarious that anyone might be proud of staying in shape? Please do let us know.

No, I am in shape. I just don't go around talking about the specific amount of abs I have and what I weigh and how tall I am. Her husband does sound lazy but she sounds annoying too.

She's painting a picture because anytime someone comes here complaining about their spouse's weight the first comments are 'well what do you look like? Bet you're no prize either. You're probably fat too'. I took it as her just nipping those comments in the bud.

This is how I read it, too

[Anonymous]

For all the DHs complaining about lack of sex and wives who aren't affectionate any more, here's your chance to see the other side:

I have never been attracted to bad boys. The sweet, hard working guy was always the one for me. I am hard working too. I have been on my own since 18 and put myself through college and grad school. I busted my ass to pay off my debt by my late 20s and was self sufficient with a great job when I met DH. DH was a nice, shy guy from a two-parent family. Didn't believe in gende roles and in the early years, we both busted our asses at work and we both did chores. He talked a good game about being an equal partner and father once we had kids. Well, we decide to conceive. DH is over the moon throughout my pregnancy. Then kid arrives. He completely drops the ball. I do everything from waking up at night to bedtime, bathtime, pediatrician appointments. DH's excuse is that no one taught him how to take care of a baby, but complains of tiredness when I try to involve him. Mind you, no one handed me a manual either. Just to get him to do chores is a fight. I cook, I clean, I fix things around the house.

Fast forward two years and countless fights. I am making way more than him now because I was hungrier at work. I want to give up and let the home go to rot, but what kind of life will that be for my little girl? DH is also fat, having gained on a stocky frame. We ate together while I was pregnant and both gained 30lbs, but I lost the weight and he didn't. I am 124lbs at 5'8 - thinner than I was when we married - and have a four pack. Chubbiness can be cute and weight wouldn't bother me so much if he wasn't also lazy. A person should never be both fat AND lazy. He knows he does not deserve me and lives in fear of losing me. But the fear just makes him sad and depressed, which increases my contempt for him. I rush to vanquish my fears; he is defeated by them. I am not interested in sex with him and when we have sex, it stinks. He doesn't go down any more, finishes in 5 minutes, just awful. I still love him and want to save this marriage for my daughter's sake, but I feel tricked. This is not the marriage I expected at all.

I wonder how many of the whining beta DHs complaining about no sex on this forum are just like my DH. Why would anyone want to have sex with you?

Please you op are the whining beta or just a child. So you got up to take care of the kid and he did not? Why b/c you let it happen. No way would I let that happen. Look it the mirror, check your ego and stop using terms like alpha and beta.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

Or do you just think it's hilarious that anyone might be proud of staying in shape? Please do let us know.

No, I am in shape. I just don't go around talking about the specific amount of abs I have and what I weigh and how tall I am. Her husband does sound lazy but she sounds annoying too.

She's painting a picture because anytime someone comes here complaining about their spouse's weight the first comments are 'well what do you look like? Bet you're no prize either. You're probably fat too'. I took it as her just nipping those comments in the bud.

This is how I read it, too

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

Maybe you don't understand how DCUM works? Two different threads.

Seriously. It's obvious that OP copy/pasted to start a new thread. No reason for PP to take a shot at her. It's amazing how insecure women on DCUM are about weight and how quickly the claws come out when confronted with a fit woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

Maybe you don't understand how DCUM works? Two different threads.

Seriously. It's obvious that OP copy/pasted to start a new thread. No reason for PP to take a shot at her. It's amazing how insecure women on DCUM are about weight and how quickly the claws come out when confronted with a fit woman.

I dont think it's just the women, and I dont think it has to do with being fit.

I think people like to knock women down in general, and the cultural obsession with weight and apperance for women means that insulting someone's weight is the easiest way to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I can't stop laughing at how you've twice now mentioned your "4 pack."

Or do you just think it's hilarious that anyone might be proud of staying in shape? Please do let us know.

No, I am in shape. I just don't go around talking about the specific amount of abs I have and what I weigh and how tall I am. Her husband does sound lazy but she sounds annoying too.

She's painting a picture because anytime someone comes here complaining about their spouse's weight the first comments are 'well what do you look like? Bet you're no prize either. You're probably fat too'. I took it as her just nipping those comments in the bud.

This is how I read it, too

OP here. Thanks, previous two PPs for getting my post. I have been on DCUM long enough to know that you can't complain about your spouse's weight unless you give all the details of yours, lol. So, I disclosed info about my figure in anticipation of questions about that. I guess someone will always be offended on DCUM though!