Why can't men [my DH] multitask????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is different things for different people. I am certain in my home that my husband’s ADHD has a role — and this impacts him at work as well. He truly is timeblind— and learning about that helped me not be so mad.

But I also think that most men weren’t raised in homes where there was this assumption that they needed to figure out multitasking kind of stuff related to the household. They might have “had chores” but they didn’t babysit where they had to figure out 5 things at once — baby crying, toddler needs to pee, chicken nuggets about to burn, what do I do? I actually never babysat either, but I definitely was multitasking within the home. I will never rely on my husband to cook a meal, because he has no ability to deal with the timing of it all. He would totally do it, but I don’t want to eat at 9pm because he makes everything else and then realizes that the baked potatoes need to go in the oven for 1.5 hours.

I also think the perfectionism of moms and the pressure society puts on us plays a role. I rebel against this nonsense and it helps. I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks about my parenting. My kids can wear whatever they want, eat whatever they want within some reasonable parameters, etc. if my kid misses getting dressed up for spirit day — who cares???? In the OP example, who cares if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher now or later — there isn’t actually a right or wrong answer. Women need to let some stuff go.

But there is also the major societal problem that women are now expected to work and still carry the vast majority of the home front. It is a nightmare.

But a lot of us know that our husbands wont do the LATER in a reasonable amount of time. AND leaving dishes out causes bugs (ants/roaches/mice).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s doing you a favor in his mind. So you’ll get what you get. I’m sure he doesn’t act this way at work.

+1

[Anonymous]

Same. I truly don’t understand it but I can get the whole house looking clean in the time it would take him to make breakfast and load the dishwasher.

I think a lot of men don’t have the practice to do it and they don’t feel they have to since someone (their wife) will do it later. I’m so used to picking up and cleaning as I go, it’s an unconscious part of my routine. For DH, it seems to take more mental energy to figure out what needs to get done and then do it.

[Anonymous]

In my household DH take care of 90% of the chores. We split childcare. Honestly I could do more but I prefer not to since I know that he will take care of it. So my opinion is that he focuses on what he wants to do since he knows that you will handle the rest. My BF has a similar arrangement with her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

Interesting that your DH is "wired" to be able to multitask and do his job properly, but somehow magically not "wired" to watch a child while doing some very light cleaning. It's funny how many men are just magically not "wired" for these things, and yet very functional in their work life. Do they all have this very specific version of ADHD?

I have this same issue with my DH and have had the same response. His honest answer was that what I am asking him to do at home isnt important . Point blank. He views work as important and that comes first. Its money and thats his role as a provider.

Weve had plenty of interesting talks about this because 1) youre not the sole contributor to our lifestyle or bank account 2) he makes 1.5x what I do but when we average out costs for student loans, higher insurance for men, medical costs, etc. its only 1.2x my salary comparatively. 3) I am primary on household management and child-related stuff 4) my job has way more flexibility and allows us to minimize using leave and/or during COVID we were actually able to keep both of our jobs

He grew up seeing his father do X/Y/Z but that warped his sense of responsibility in a household because he thinks only in terms of X/Y/Z. Division of responsibilities works great when there is one working spouse and one non-working spouse because the areas of responsibility are clear. Unless you can outsource cleaning/cooking/childcare because you both make a crap ton of money, division doesnt really work because SOMEONE is having to manage.

And see, this is where things would come to a screeching halt in my household. I would be willing to listen and perhaps concede that some stuff I care about doesn’t matter. But WTF to acting like all home front activities are too unimportant for the big, bad wheeler dealer. I certainly would take a major step back on anything that benefitted him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is different things for different people. I am certain in my home that my husband’s ADHD has a role — and this impacts him at work as well. He truly is timeblind— and learning about that helped me not be so mad.

But I also think that most men weren’t raised in homes where there was this assumption that they needed to figure out multitasking kind of stuff related to the household. They might have “had chores” but they didn’t babysit where they had to figure out 5 things at once — baby crying, toddler needs to pee, chicken nuggets about to burn, what do I do? I actually never babysat either, but I definitely was multitasking within the home. I will never rely on my husband to cook a meal, because he has no ability to deal with the timing of it all. He would totally do it, but I don’t want to eat at 9pm because he makes everything else and then realizes that the baked potatoes need to go in the oven for 1.5 hours.

I also think the perfectionism of moms and the pressure society puts on us plays a role. I rebel against this nonsense and it helps. I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks about my parenting. My kids can wear whatever they want, eat whatever they want within some reasonable parameters, etc. if my kid misses getting dressed up for spirit day — who cares???? In the OP example, who cares if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher now or later — there isn’t actually a right or wrong answer. Women need to let some stuff go.

But there is also the major societal problem that women are now expected to work and still carry the vast majority of the home front. It is a nightmare.

This.

I commented earlier on this thread (I'm the woman unable to multi-task who recommended basically being explicit about what "morning shift" chores are and then letting him fail/figure it out) but the bolded is the other half of it. We have a cleaning person who comes once a month. Besides spot cleaning the kitchen counters and kitchen floors most evenings, you know how much cleaning we do in between? Zero. Zilch. I wash towels and sheets once a month each. No one cares or complains. When my friends have babies, do I cook a bunch of food and bring it over? Nope, send a GrubHub gift card, move on. My husband is in charge of cooking, and I do. not. give. a. crap. if it's pizza followed by pasta followed by pancakes. Great, yum, and he always includes a side of veggies. My kids don't have baby books. We get our produce (conventional! non-organic!) along with everything else, from Giant Delivers. It's fine but not great. Awesome. CPS hasn't come for my kids yet!

If you want your husband to do half, it has to be half of a reasonable amount of stuff. Lower your standards!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is different things for different people. I am certain in my home that my husband’s ADHD has a role — and this impacts him at work as well. He truly is timeblind— and learning about that helped me not be so mad.

But I also think that most men weren’t raised in homes where there was this assumption that they needed to figure out multitasking kind of stuff related to the household. They might have “had chores” but they didn’t babysit where they had to figure out 5 things at once — baby crying, toddler needs to pee, chicken nuggets about to burn, what do I do? I actually never babysat either, but I definitely was multitasking within the home. I will never rely on my husband to cook a meal, because he has no ability to deal with the timing of it all. He would totally do it, but I don’t want to eat at 9pm because he makes everything else and then realizes that the baked potatoes need to go in the oven for 1.5 hours.

I also think the perfectionism of moms and the pressure society puts on us plays a role. I rebel against this nonsense and it helps. I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks about my parenting. My kids can wear whatever they want, eat whatever they want within some reasonable parameters, etc. if my kid misses getting dressed up for spirit day — who cares???? In the OP example, who cares if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher now or later — there isn’t actually a right or wrong answer. Women need to let some stuff go.

But there is also the major societal problem that women are now expected to work and still carry the vast majority of the home front. It is a nightmare.

This.

I commented earlier on this thread (I'm the woman unable to multi-task who recommended basically being explicit about what "morning shift" chores are and then letting him fail/figure it out) but the bolded is the other half of it. We have a cleaning person who comes once a month. Besides spot cleaning the kitchen counters and kitchen floors most evenings, you know how much cleaning we do in between? Zero. Zilch. I wash towels and sheets once a month each. No one cares or complains. When my friends have babies, do I cook a bunch of food and bring it over? Nope, send a GrubHub gift card, move on. My husband is in charge of cooking, and I do. not. give. a. crap. if it's pizza followed by pasta followed by pancakes. Great, yum, and he always includes a side of veggies. My kids don't have baby books. We get our produce (conventional! non-organic!) along with everything else, from Giant Delivers. It's fine but not great. Awesome. CPS hasn't come for my kids yet!

If you want your husband to do half, it has to be half of a reasonable amount of stuff. Lower your standards!

I’m The Second Shift PP and this is one way to deal with the stalled revolution. Both parents do less around the house.

We’re having hot dogs for dinner. This is not an unusual meal plan.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DH and I'm able to wake up, workout (either lift weights or ride my bike), shower, dress my disabled son, brush our teeth, fix breakfast, supervise disabled son eating, get dressed for work (easy now WFH but dressed business casual pre-pandemic) put him on bus or drive to school and go to work myself.

I don't think gender has anything to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same. I truly don’t understand it but I can get the whole house looking clean in the time it would take him to make breakfast and load the dishwasher.

I think a lot of men don’t have the practice to do it and they don’t feel they have to since someone (their wife) will do it later. I’m so used to picking up and cleaning as I go, it’s an unconscious part of my routine. For DH, it seems to take more mental energy to figure out what needs to get done and then do it.

They know how to get the house "clean enough" for their satisfaction. If you are not satisfied with that level of cleanliness, then it's on you to do the work to satisfy yourself.

There is no reason to believe that clean enough to satisfy him is "incorrect" and clean enough to satisfy you is "correct". Nobody's going to die if there are some dirty plates in the sink.

[Anonymous]

My advice is: get out of the house.

You will always be stuck holding the bag if you are around. So when we staggered our schedules for work pre-COVID, i.e. only one parent responsible for getting kids out in the morning, my DH could do it, and decently. When we went remote, and we were both available to get kids ready, suddenly, even as I sort of tried to hold the line, more and more tasks just "naturally" fell to me. Sure, I can and did, discuss and shift some things, but it is remarkable how a fair(ish) division of labor unravels when the DW is available. So I often try to structure things to be actually or constructively absent - and then I don't care (and really don't) how exactly things shake out as long as basics needs are met...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is different things for different people. I am certain in my home that my husband’s ADHD has a role — and this impacts him at work as well. He truly is timeblind— and learning about that helped me not be so mad.

But I also think that most men weren’t raised in homes where there was this assumption that they needed to figure out multitasking kind of stuff related to the household. They might have “had chores” but they didn’t babysit where they had to figure out 5 things at once — baby crying, toddler needs to pee, chicken nuggets about to burn, what do I do? I actually never babysat either, but I definitely was multitasking within the home. I will never rely on my husband to cook a meal, because he has no ability to deal with the timing of it all. He would totally do it, but I don’t want to eat at 9pm because he makes everything else and then realizes that the baked potatoes need to go in the oven for 1.5 hours.

I also think the perfectionism of moms and the pressure society puts on us plays a role. I rebel against this nonsense and it helps. I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks about my parenting. My kids can wear whatever they want, eat whatever they want within some reasonable parameters, etc. if my kid misses getting dressed up for spirit day — who cares???? In the OP example, who cares if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher now or later — there isn’t actually a right or wrong answer. Women need to let some stuff go.

But there is also the major societal problem that women are now expected to work and still carry the vast majority of the home front. It is a nightmare.

But a lot of us know that our husbands wont do the LATER in a reasonable amount of time. AND leaving dishes out causes bugs (ants/roaches/mice).

This. My DH can go 3 days without doing the dishes (as me how I know.) That was OK when nobody was coming in the house due to covid over the winter; not ok in the summer when we have a babysitter and friends over, and roaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is different things for different people. I am certain in my home that my husband’s ADHD has a role — and this impacts him at work as well. He truly is timeblind— and learning about that helped me not be so mad.

But I also think that most men weren’t raised in homes where there was this assumption that they needed to figure out multitasking kind of stuff related to the household. They might have “had chores” but they didn’t babysit where they had to figure out 5 things at once — baby crying, toddler needs to pee, chicken nuggets about to burn, what do I do? I actually never babysat either, but I definitely was multitasking within the home. I will never rely on my husband to cook a meal, because he has no ability to deal with the timing of it all. He would totally do it, but I don’t want to eat at 9pm because he makes everything else and then realizes that the baked potatoes need to go in the oven for 1.5 hours.

I also think the perfectionism of moms and the pressure society puts on us plays a role. I rebel against this nonsense and it helps. I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks about my parenting. My kids can wear whatever they want, eat whatever they want within some reasonable parameters, etc. if my kid misses getting dressed up for spirit day — who cares???? In the OP example, who cares if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher now or later — there isn’t actually a right or wrong answer. Women need to let some stuff go.

But there is also the major societal problem that women are now expected to work and still carry the vast majority of the home front. It is a nightmare.

But a lot of us know that our husbands wont do the LATER in a reasonable amount of time. AND leaving dishes out causes bugs (ants/roaches/mice).

This. My DH can go 3 days without doing the dishes (as me how I know.) That was OK when nobody was coming in the house due to covid over the winter; not ok in the summer when we have a babysitter and friends over, and roaches.

But honestly, why not let that happen??? Let him live with the roaches a time or two and see if he likes it. Let him be embarrassed in front of company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same. I truly don’t understand it but I can get the whole house looking clean in the time it would take him to make breakfast and load the dishwasher.

I think a lot of men don’t have the practice to do it and they don’t feel they have to since someone (their wife) will do it later. I’m so used to picking up and cleaning as I go, it’s an unconscious part of my routine. For DH, it seems to take more mental energy to figure out what needs to get done and then do it.

It's not a priority for them - that's why. It's not multitasking; it's just expending the energy. If somebody else will do it for them, why not be lazy? E.g., my DH won't do the dishes for days on end. I just did all the dishes while waiting for a pot of coffee to brew. Why? I figured "I have 5 minutes, why not get through the breakfast and lunch dishes." His mind works completely differently. The default is "I do what I want to do, unless forced to do otherwise."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is different things for different people. I am certain in my home that my husband’s ADHD has a role — and this impacts him at work as well. He truly is timeblind— and learning about that helped me not be so mad.

But I also think that most men weren’t raised in homes where there was this assumption that they needed to figure out multitasking kind of stuff related to the household. They might have “had chores” but they didn’t babysit where they had to figure out 5 things at once — baby crying, toddler needs to pee, chicken nuggets about to burn, what do I do? I actually never babysat either, but I definitely was multitasking within the home. I will never rely on my husband to cook a meal, because he has no ability to deal with the timing of it all. He would totally do it, but I don’t want to eat at 9pm because he makes everything else and then realizes that the baked potatoes need to go in the oven for 1.5 hours.

I also think the perfectionism of moms and the pressure society puts on us plays a role. I rebel against this nonsense and it helps. I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks about my parenting. My kids can wear whatever they want, eat whatever they want within some reasonable parameters, etc. if my kid misses getting dressed up for spirit day — who cares???? In the OP example, who cares if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher now or later — there isn’t actually a right or wrong answer. Women need to let some stuff go.

But there is also the major societal problem that women are now expected to work and still carry the vast majority of the home front. It is a nightmare.

But a lot of us know that our husbands wont do the LATER in a reasonable amount of time. AND leaving dishes out causes bugs (ants/roaches/mice).

This. My DH can go 3 days without doing the dishes (as me how I know.) That was OK when nobody was coming in the house due to covid over the winter; not ok in the summer when we have a babysitter and friends over, and roaches.

But honestly, why not let that happen??? Let him live with the roaches a time or two and see if he likes it. Let him be embarrassed in front of company.

He.Does.Not.Care. He will complain to me about the roaches and do nothing (not clean, not call exterminator.) He will literally let the house fall down around him. I don't think making our son live in a roach-infested, dirty house, grossing out the babysitter so she doesn't want to come over, and making his friends' parents think we are negligent, is a really good life plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is different things for different people. I am certain in my home that my husband’s ADHD has a role — and this impacts him at work as well. He truly is timeblind— and learning about that helped me not be so mad.

But I also think that most men weren’t raised in homes where there was this assumption that they needed to figure out multitasking kind of stuff related to the household. They might have “had chores” but they didn’t babysit where they had to figure out 5 things at once — baby crying, toddler needs to pee, chicken nuggets about to burn, what do I do? I actually never babysat either, but I definitely was multitasking within the home. I will never rely on my husband to cook a meal, because he has no ability to deal with the timing of it all. He would totally do it, but I don’t want to eat at 9pm because he makes everything else and then realizes that the baked potatoes need to go in the oven for 1.5 hours.

I also think the perfectionism of moms and the pressure society puts on us plays a role. I rebel against this nonsense and it helps. I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks about my parenting. My kids can wear whatever they want, eat whatever they want within some reasonable parameters, etc. if my kid misses getting dressed up for spirit day — who cares???? In the OP example, who cares if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher now or later — there isn’t actually a right or wrong answer. Women need to let some stuff go.

But there is also the major societal problem that women are now expected to work and still carry the vast majority of the home front. It is a nightmare.

But a lot of us know that our husbands wont do the LATER in a reasonable amount of time. AND leaving dishes out causes bugs (ants/roaches/mice).

This. My DH can go 3 days without doing the dishes (as me how I know.) That was OK when nobody was coming in the house due to covid over the winter; not ok in the summer when we have a babysitter and friends over, and roaches.

But honestly, why not let that happen??? Let him live with the roaches a time or two and see if he likes it. Let him be embarrassed in front of company.

He.Does.Not.Care. He will complain to me about the roaches and do nothing (not clean, not call exterminator.) He will literally let the house fall down around him. I don't think making our son live in a roach-infested, dirty house, grossing out the babysitter so she doesn't want to come over, and making his friends' parents think we are negligent, is a really good life plan.

Well at that point, you really have a problem. I cannot imagine being married to someone who was cool living in squalor. I’m assuming he must have a lot of other redeeming qualities.