Why can't men [my DH] multitask????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so petty but omg the 3- 30 minute long poops drive me insane. Kids will be tearing through my house, begging for breakfast or lunch and he’s just pooping away blissfully. Not only can he not multitask, but he can actively ignore issues when he wants to. It’s like he has blinders on.

Not petty at all. I don't think he does it to avoid housework or childcare (he also enjoyed leisurely bathroom time when we were young and childless and had a lot more free time). But yeah, someone should explain to these men that spending 2.5 hours a day in the bathroom is not a reasonable time allocation if you have children under the age of 5. You may return to your leisurely pooping and Twitter scrolling breaks once the kids are old enough to entertain themselves for more than a few minutes at a time. In the meantime, it's time to flush and wash your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same girl, same.

I’ve thought a lot about this. I blame a lot on dhs adhd but I don’t think that’s accurate. I think girls just get conditioned to do more with less time. Like one day I just decided to work smarter and not harder. So I clean as I go, make one trip upstairs instead of 10, scrub the shower walls while I’m in the shower, make sure we have everything in the bag so we aren’t miserable at our destination (like dh forgets bug spray and then the kid itch for days) and generally I just double check and over think everything. Dh is awesome and is a rockstar dad, but damn he’d be lost without me. He’s also so bad at executive functioning. I’ve tried to train him. There are list everywhere. My kids even know to make sure dad is reminded of things. No solutions. I think everything will just get easier once we’re out of the baby and toddler stage. I am trying to raise my kids with excellent executive functioning skills.

I agree with this but I just can't figure out why it would be the case. Why would you want to spend more time cleaning, getting ready, doing admin, etc., than you have to? It's just so obvious that you should try to combine tasks or do them in an order that minimizes work for you. And I feel like when we had a kid, my brain just started figuring out how to make all the repetitive parenting tasks go as smoothly as possible. I'm not even amazing at it -- I have friends who are like parenting Jedis with their ability to multitask and I am always stealing their good ideas. And yet my own DH doesn't pick up on very basic efficiencies. It's mysterious to me.

it’s not a mystery. his multitasking is offloading all the chores on you. and he’s very good at it.

That's part of it, but he also struggles with this stuff even when I will not under any circumstances step in to help him. Like we have certain things that we alternate, and I will finish in less than half the time he takes when it's my turn. But he's still doing it in some weird inefficient way that he's been doing it for years and it's such a mystery to me. I think he used to think he was just more thorough than I am but at this point he knows and will admit that my way is just as good, but he stubbornly refuses to do it the more efficient way. Truly a mystery. Maybe just stubbornness or the inability to admit he's wrong? I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

I’m completely unable to multitask. I’m a woman.

But a lot of what you’re saying isn’t multitasking - it’s thoroughness. Wake up kid, check pull up, use potty, breakfast, get kid ready to go out the door. That’s all one thing at a time. The one thing that’s multi tasking is cleaning up as you go. I’m bad at that too. So when I hand kid off to other parent or he goes down for a nap, THEN I go back and clean up the dishes from the last meal.

Bottom line: don’t let this become “well, he can’t multitask.” Because then that turns this from “you need to do more” to “change something inate about yourself.” The former is a reasonable ask; the latter is not. If he can’t multitask, then he needs to do the dishes and prep the lunches at another time. YOU do not do either on his days to handle mornings. It’s time for a conversation about this, spelling out exactly what needs to get done as part of the morning shift, stating clearly that you’re not going to do this stuff on his days anymore. Then, you’ve got to let him fail. Yup. It’s going to go badly for probably a week. He hands daughter off to you. You say, “she’s not dressed” and hand her back. If he’s dropping her at school, let him forget lunch a couple times. Let the dishes from breakfast sit out all day. Guess he’ll have to figure that one out when he gets home.

It might take a week or two, but if you stop bailing him out and let natural consequences happen, he’ll learn work arounds. Like you said, none of this is rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Boy you sound whiny and tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same girl, same.

I’ve thought a lot about this. I blame a lot on dhs adhd but I don’t think that’s accurate. I think girls just get conditioned to do more with less time. Like one day I just decided to work smarter and not harder. So I clean as I go, make one trip upstairs instead of 10, scrub the shower walls while I’m in the shower, make sure we have everything in the bag so we aren’t miserable at our destination (like dh forgets bug spray and then the kid itch for days) and generally I just double check and over think everything. Dh is awesome and is a rockstar dad, but damn he’d be lost without me. He’s also so bad at executive functioning. I’ve tried to train him. There are list everywhere. My kids even know to make sure dad is reminded of things. No solutions. I think everything will just get easier once we’re out of the baby and toddler stage. I am trying to raise my kids with excellent executive functioning skills.

Stop it! He's clearly not.

[Anonymous]

My DH does one thing at a time and one thing only. Even if bringing something upstairs and passing 3 other things that need to go upstairs, he will ignore them. If cooking something, the kitchen is a disaster, because he follows every step of the recipe without cleaning up as he goes. I could go on and on, but just as OP, I view it as inefficient and unable to multi-task. And, after 24 years of marriage, he is not going to change.

What is the old saying? You cannot change other people's behavior, only your reaction to it. So, if there's something important to you that you're handing off to him, remind him, for example, Larla needs to be in bed by 7.

[Anonymous]

I am trying to teach my 10 year old son to multitask, but he just can’t do it. Meanwhile my daughter at 7 can. I think there is some wiring issue at play. Or willpower. I dunno.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to teach my 10 year old son to multitask, but he just can’t do it. Meanwhile my daughter at 7 can. I think there is some wiring issue at play. Or willpower. I dunno.

If this were true [note: I do not think it is], it’s pretty confusing why women are consistently paid less, placed in leadership roles less often, and routinely treated as less capable, more volatile, and less important.

I wish we could strike without hurting kids. After the last year, I’ve never felt more resentful if being the one who is “just better” at planning, organizing, and making things happen. I want to be the mildly incompetent one who gets praised for trying just to encourage me to keep participating. I want to be the one for whom 90% of childcare/healthcare tasks simply do not occur to me. I want people to call me a “rockstar mom” because I’m nice to my kids and help out around the house some.

I want those low low DH expectations and a wife who picks up the slack because otherwise our lives would be miserable. Sounds like good gig, plus the pay is better for some reason!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to teach my 10 year old son to multitask, but he just can’t do it. Meanwhile my daughter at 7 can. I think there is some wiring issue at play. Or willpower. I dunno.

If this were true [note: I do not think it is], it’s pretty confusing why women are consistently paid less, placed in leadership roles less often, and routinely treated as less capable, more volatile, and less important.

I wish we could strike without hurting kids. After the last year, I’ve never felt more resentful if being the one who is “just better” at planning, organizing, and making things happen. I want to be the mildly incompetent one who gets praised for trying just to encourage me to keep participating. I want to be the one for whom 90% of childcare/healthcare tasks simply do not occur to me. I want people to call me a “rockstar mom” because I’m nice to my kids and help out around the house some.

I want those low low DH expectations and a wife who picks up the slack because otherwise our lives would be miserable. Sounds like good gig, plus the pay is better for some reason!

Because generalists and all around efficient people are never the ones who are in leadership. They make good project managers and assistants though.

[Anonymous]

Men and women are different. Attempting to split all household work down the middle will end in tears. Before I was married and had kids I had a much more postmodern view of gender. But I saw first-hand the differences between boys and girls from day one. It’s totally fine if you have a household division of labor that focuses on your strengths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so petty but omg the 3- 30 minute long poops drive me insane. Kids will be tearing through my house, begging for breakfast or lunch and he’s just pooping away blissfully. Not only can he not multitask, but he can actively ignore issues when he wants to. It’s like he has blinders on.

Same at my house. Regular 30min stints in the bathroom, multiple times a day (3-4 times per day if he can). Started once we had kids. The funny thing is our kids are now older (10 and 12) and can entertain themselves, and he still does it. Why not just sit and play on his phone on the couch etc? Rather than the bathroom?! And no, he isn’t cheating or anything else mysterious. It is just his “relaxing time”. It is weird. I can’t imagine wasting 1-2 hours a day sitting on the toilet. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Read The Second Shift and you’ll realize that we’re all having the same experience. Change happens slowly and not fast enough. It’s called the stalled revolution.

I talk about it as a societal issue with my DH and he’s more responsive as it feels less like personal criticism. And I play to his strengths (playing with kids), have my children help with cleaning and compensate myself with frequent take out.

[Anonymous]

Men's brains are wired differently than women's brains. This explains it:

[Anonymous]

Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

I guess that doesn't apply to housechores.