Why can't men [my DH] multitask????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me about it. Today I made sure the dog had her meds after her spay surgery, registered one kid for soccer, sent in the final paperwork for the other one's aftercare at ES, dealt w/a pharmacy issue, emailed vendors for the older one's bat mitzvah, paid an outstanding medical bill, cleaned the bathroom, wiped down kitchen counters, made meals. All while holding down a full time job throughout the day. And what did my husband do? took the younger one to swim practice. Whoop dee doo. I've come to accept. He basically accomplishes one task a day and that's winning for him. Cannot multitask to save his life.

Pretty much the same. I’ve given up. If I complain and ask for help with something, the ensuing tantrum “but I worked all dayyyyy” (so did I!) “but I work haaaaarder!” (No, not really.) takes up more energy to deal with than just doing it myself in the first place. He could not tell you who the kids’ pediatrician is, where the vacuum is kept, nothing. If I complain about him not walking the dog even 1/4 of the time compared to my 3/4- fireworks and I’m sorry I ever said anything. Could’ve taken the dog on 4 walks in the time it took to deal with his fit. He genuinely has no idea what needs to be done around the home, and becomes furious if I ask for help or complain about anything. long ago given up.

[Anonymous]

Gawd. Are all these ManChildren mentally disordered?
They needs meds and exec functioning coaches stat.

[Anonymous]

I love these threads because they remind me how happy I am to be divorced. I’m literally moving from my beautiful home in with my widowed mother TODAY and it’s still better than living one more day with Oscar the Grouch crossed with a sloth aka my ex husband. I swear one more 45 minute shit and his life would have been in real danger.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman, but most of you sound absolutely EXHAUSTING and must be miserable to live with. Most of the problems between Moms and Dads, IME, stem from one parent (usually Mom) being absolutely certain that her way is THE way and Dad needs her to “train” him into parenting correctly (read: HER way). If you think that dynamics hasn’t gotten old for YOU, I can almost guarantee it’s been old for your spouse for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but most of you sound absolutely EXHAUSTING and must be miserable to live with. Most of the problems between Moms and Dads, IME, stem from one parent (usually Mom) being absolutely certain that her way is THE way and Dad needs her to “train” him into parenting correctly (read: HER way). If you think that dynamics hasn’t gotten old for YOU, I can almost guarantee it’s been old for your spouse for a long time.

I am so damn sick of this take. Yes, the problem is mean mommies! Not men who would literally let their children live in filth. This has major pick me girl energy and the younger generations will not buy this BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me about it. Today I made sure the dog had her meds after her spay surgery, registered one kid for soccer, sent in the final paperwork for the other one's aftercare at ES, dealt w/a pharmacy issue, emailed vendors for the older one's bat mitzvah, paid an outstanding medical bill, cleaned the bathroom, wiped down kitchen counters, made meals. All while holding down a full time job throughout the day. And what did my husband do? took the younger one to swim practice. Whoop dee doo. I've come to accept. He basically accomplishes one task a day and that's winning for him. Cannot multitask to save his life.

I am the PP w/ADHD husband. My husband was like yours and now the kids are in college and life is much easier. I lowered my standards for cleanliness and homecooked meals when the kids were young and guess what? There was no damage done - to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but most of you sound absolutely EXHAUSTING and must be miserable to live with. Most of the problems between Moms and Dads, IME, stem from one parent (usually Mom) being absolutely certain that her way is THE way and Dad needs her to “train” him into parenting correctly (read: HER way). If you think that dynamics hasn’t gotten old for YOU, I can almost guarantee it’s been old for your spouse for a long time.

I am so damn sick of this take. Yes, the problem is mean mommies! Not men who would literally let their children live in filth. This has major pick me girl energy and the younger generations will not buy this BS.

Haha! PP is trying so hard to be the mom version of the “cool girl”

[Anonymous]

Tell me about it. Today I made sure the dog had her meds after her spay surgery, registered one kid for soccer, sent in the final paperwork for the other one's aftercare at ES, dealt w/a pharmacy issue, emailed vendors for the older one's bat mitzvah, paid an outstanding medical bill, cleaned the bathroom, wiped down kitchen counters, made meals. All while holding down a full time job throughout the day. And what did my husband do? took the younger one to swim practice. Whoop dee doo. I've come to accept. He basically accomplishes one task a day and that's winning for him. Cannot multitask to save his life.

You weren’t multitasking just because you did more than one thing in a day. You did them sequentially. Whoop de doo indeed.

If you can’t persuade your DH to divide up domestic duties and do them, it speaks poorly of your relationship skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but most of you sound absolutely EXHAUSTING and must be miserable to live with. Most of the problems between Moms and Dads, IME, stem from one parent (usually Mom) being absolutely certain that her way is THE way and Dad needs her to “train” him into parenting correctly (read: HER way). If you think that dynamics hasn’t gotten old for YOU, I can almost guarantee it’s been old for your spouse for a long time.

I am so damn sick of this take. Yes, the problem is mean mommies! Not men who would literally let their children live in filth. This has major pick me girl energy and the younger generations will not buy this BS.

Truth hurts. Makes you feel bad. So you lash out at the truth teller. Sad!

[Anonymous]

Tell me about it. Today I made sure the dog had her meds after her spay surgery, registered one kid for soccer, sent in the final paperwork for the other one's aftercare at ES, dealt w/a pharmacy issue, emailed vendors for the older one's bat mitzvah, paid an outstanding medical bill, cleaned the bathroom, wiped down kitchen counters, made meals. All while holding down a full time job throughout the day.

You’re choosing to burn the candle at both ends. That’s your call. Is anyone else obligated to make the same choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but most of you sound absolutely EXHAUSTING and must be miserable to live with. Most of the problems between Moms and Dads, IME, stem from one parent (usually Mom) being absolutely certain that her way is THE way and Dad needs her to “train” him into parenting correctly (read: HER way). If you think that dynamics hasn’t gotten old for YOU, I can almost guarantee it’s been old for your spouse for a long time.

I am so damn sick of this take. Yes, the problem is mean mommies! Not men who would literally let their children live in filth. This has major pick me girl energy and the younger generations will not buy this BS.

Truth hurts. Makes you feel bad. So you lash out at the truth teller. Sad!

You win! You’re the cool girl.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like that, he cannot multitask. I used to get irritated by it but then I saw the pros about it.

The thing is, he is very committed and does a lot. So he is not the couch potato type. He just can’t clean the kitchen as he goes and easily prep breakfast as he guides the kids on what to put in their backpack. He is way more of a one task at a time person. I used to think it was laziness, and now I am convinced he is wired differently and that in general (there are exception and it is a spectrum) women multitask better.

But it also mean my DH is better than me at being fully immersed into one task. When he reads to the kids he doesn’t check his phone or try to talk to me. When he plays with them he gives them all his attention and is not trying to fit in a call with his mom. When he is repairing something he doesn’t try to hack it in 1 min to run to something else etc... this has value.

And I also see that for his own mental health it makes more sense. I am more frazzled and tired because I am juggling 100 things at same time. Yes I am more efficient and fast but it comes at a toll. With all the talks about mindfulness and being in the moment: he is the one who got it, not me. And it makes him more relaxed.

Bottom line: we are a 50-50 households but I have learned that we are not good at same things and that’s ok. So I value his ability to be present when he plays with kids and I think he values my tornado ability to bring order back to a kitchen / room..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like that, he cannot multitask. I used to get irritated by it but then I saw the pros about it.

The thing is, he is very committed and does a lot. So he is not the couch potato type. He just can’t clean the kitchen as he goes and easily prep breakfast as he guides the kids on what to put in their backpack. He is way more of a one task at a time person. I used to think it was laziness, and now I am convinced he is wired differently and that in general (there are exception and it is a spectrum) women multitask better.

But it also mean my DH is better than me at being fully immersed into one task. When he reads to the kids he doesn’t check his phone or try to talk to me. When he plays with them he gives them all his attention and is not trying to fit in a call with his mom. When he is repairing something he doesn’t try to hack it in 1 min to run to something else etc... this has value.

And I also see that for his own mental health it makes more sense. I am more frazzled and tired because I am juggling 100 things at same time. Yes I am more efficient and fast but it comes at a toll. With all the talks about mindfulness and being in the moment: he is the one who got it, not me. And it makes him more relaxed.

Bottom line: we are a 50-50 households but I have learned that we are not good at same things and that’s ok. So I value his ability to be present when he plays with kids and I think he values my tornado ability to bring order back to a kitchen / room..

Tons of typos.. of course cuz I was also trying to talk to my mom over the phone...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like that, he cannot multitask. I used to get irritated by it but then I saw the pros about it.

The thing is, he is very committed and does a lot. So he is not the couch potato type. He just can’t clean the kitchen as he goes and easily prep breakfast as he guides the kids on what to put in their backpack. He is way more of a one task at a time person. I used to think it was laziness, and now I am convinced he is wired differently and that in general (there are exception and it is a spectrum) women multitask better.

But it also mean my DH is better than me at being fully immersed into one task. When he reads to the kids he doesn’t check his phone or try to talk to me. When he plays with them he gives them all his attention and is not trying to fit in a call with his mom. When he is repairing something he doesn’t try to hack it in 1 min to run to something else etc... this has value.

And I also see that for his own mental health it makes more sense. I am more frazzled and tired because I am juggling 100 things at same time. Yes I am more efficient and fast but it comes at a toll. With all the talks about mindfulness and being in the moment: he is the one who got it, not me. And it makes him more relaxed.

Bottom line: we are a 50-50 households but I have learned that we are not good at same things and that’s ok. So I value his ability to be present when he plays with kids and I think he values my tornado ability to bring order back to a kitchen / room..

This is a lot like my household as well. My husband has ADHD and thinking he will plot out a schedule and think 10 steps ahead isn’t his thing. But he isn’t a jerk and he totally does stuff that helps our household run. And what he does is often done at 100% to my 75%. Both things have value and we have tried to divide things up in a way that makes sense. I might schedule all the appointments, but he takes the kids to them. He does all the laundry and sweeps while I’m filling out paperwork. And we have a kid with profound special needs so we really have never had the benefit of “it gets better when they are older.” We will be changing diapers, brushing teeth, getting a kid dressed, etc until we have to move our kid to a care home. Some of these women married total jerks and I cannot imagine living like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but most of you sound absolutely EXHAUSTING and must be miserable to live with. Most of the problems between Moms and Dads, IME, stem from one parent (usually Mom) being absolutely certain that her way is THE way and Dad needs her to “train” him into parenting correctly (read: HER way). If you think that dynamics hasn’t gotten old for YOU, I can almost guarantee it’s been old for your spouse for a long time.

I am so damn sick of this take. Yes, the problem is mean mommies! Not men who would literally let their children live in filth. This has major pick me girl energy and the younger generations will not buy this BS.

Haha! PP is trying so hard to be the mom version of the “cool girl”

Yes, and this is soooo common. When I had a kid, I just slowly wound up eliminating the women in my life who pull this crap. They did it before we had kids, too, but it didn't annoy me as much back then because I had more bandwidth overall.

But having a child made me realize that I have no room in my life for "friends" who don't understand how empathy works and who think that anytime I confess something that has been challenging for me, it's an opportunity for them to feel or act superior. It's just unhelpful and pointless, so I just left those friendships behind.

I honestly think the only way for women to address what is clearly a systemic issue of always being the primary parent (even when we work) and partners who shirk responsibility and refuse to step up, is solidarity. I have hope that if enough of us can recognize this issue and keep speaking up about it, we can at least influence the next generation. I simply refuse to accept that this is how it has to be for my DD.