Why can't men [my DH] multitask????

[Anonymous]

I feel like the main reason I do 80% of childcare/housework stuff is because my DH absolutely refuses to multitask. Like he'll get up in the morning with our DC (great!) and get her breakfast (also great!) but forget to check her pull up or ask her if she needs to use the potty (very bad! undermining potty training!), leave all the prep stuff and dishes from breakfast on the counter instead of putting things away or in the dishwasher (annoying), and not make any effort at getting DC ready for the day (so we're late out the door and it's a massive battle because she's engaged in playing and doesn't want to stop and do those things).

On the mornings I get up with DC, she is fed, dressed, has used the potty, and her room is clean before she can start playing or do anything else. And I clean as I go in the kitchen so counters are clear. Usually I also get her lunch ready at the same time as I make her breakfast so it's in the fridge and ready to go. When I'm handing her off to DH, she might still need to brush her teeth or put on shoes, but otherwise she's ready to go. I'm not some kind of mastermind genius or anything, it's just obvious that this stuff has to happen and also that the longer you put it off the harder it's going to be and the more stressful our morning will be.

It's the same at bedtime and the same with lots of household chores or child-related stuff. He wants to do exactly one thing at a time and just never thinks about what comes next or what has to be done before, say, we leave the house in the morning. And he thinks that our workload is even because he might same the same amount of time with DC in the morning as I do, but the difference is that all he's done is keep her mildly occupied, whereas I would use that time to actually accomplish things we need to get done.

Anyway, not to assume every man has this same problem but it seems like a common one and I'm just wondering what the deal is because I'm exhausted and tired of batting clean-up all the time with no runners in scoring position because my DH struck out looking. He's a good and attentive dad otherwise but this is really starting to drive me crazy.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure it's about multitasking, it's just that he is doing less. Maybe he needs a list?

[Anonymous]

My husband is the same way. It's the lack of forethought that really drives me nuts.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he does the fun stuff and not the gross/tiring stuff.

How hard is it to put some berries on yogurt versus changing a diaper?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure it's about multitasking, it's just that he is doing less. Maybe he needs a list?

I have given him a list. And we do checklists with DC to help her stay on task and to make getting ready for things go more smoothly. So it's not that he doesn't know. He just lacks the skills or motivation to actually make more than one thing happen at a time. And if I say anything, he wants credit for the one thing (i.e. giving her breakfast) and thinks it's unreasonable to expect him to do any of the other things. Or he'll say "I tried" because he asked her when she got up if she wanted to get dressed and she said no so that was that.

He's not a jerk about any of this and when I explain that I don't want to be the one doing all of these tasks, he agrees we should share them. But anytime we're on any kind of clock, it's honestly the only way it gets done because he just moves so slow and doesn't know how to combine tasks so they go faster. Like tonight was his night to do bedtime (we alternate nights) and I had work stuff. I came out of my office at 8:30 so that he and I could eat dinner and discovered DC was still up. I'd come out to say good night to her at 7, which is her actual bedtime. But between DH's disorganization and slowness and DC's natural inclination to postpone bedtime, it just wasn't happening. I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he does the fun stuff and not the gross/tiring stuff.

How hard is it to put some berries on yogurt versus changing a diaper?

Very much this. And DC can be very stubborn about certain things (especially getting dressed) and he will just choose not to deal with it. But it's stuff that absolutely has to happen and when he avoids it, it just means I wind up doing the most challenging stuff and it's exhausting.

Plus the morning pull up thing is a particular issue for me because she has literally gotten rashes because she spends too long in a pull up with urine in it (she is nowhere close to being night trained). She hates changing it for some reason even though she is capable of doing it herself, but he just doesn't want to make her do it even though it's one of our few very firm rules -- no sitting in a dirty pull up. Occasionally he'll let me sleep in on the weekend and I'll get up at 9 only to discover she has been in the same pull up since the night before and has likely peed in it at least one more time since getting up, which is such a huge issue with potty training and gets us off to a bad start first thing in the morning. I'll talk to him about it but then he next time, it's the same thing. He just doesn't want to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is the same way. It's the lack of forethought that really drives me nuts.

I know he's capable of improving on this stuff, though. Like there was a time when he would leave the house with DC to go to a playground or something, and would bring nothing with him. No snack, no water, no hat, no sunscreen -- nothing. But after doing this enough and realizing what a disaster it was, he has learned to take a minute to pack a bag and actually think about what they might need. But the skill is not translating to other aspects of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

Interesting that your DH is "wired" to be able to multitask and do his job properly, but somehow magically not "wired" to watch a child while doing some very light cleaning. It's funny how many men are just magically not "wired" for these things, and yet very functional in their work life. Do they all have this very specific version of ADHD?

[Anonymous]

My spouse cannot parent or take care of the home, has no clue how to stick to a Routine or be consistent or discipline a child. And it shows.

He got an ASD diagnosis a couple years ago. Since then he’s become a belligerent jerk when asked to be responsible for something or when he messes up (doors unlocked, sinks running, doesn’t empty the kid tub, loses something, forgets masks, breaks appliances, doesn’t talk to the kids).

[Anonymous]

Same girl, same.

I’ve thought a lot about this. I blame a lot on dhs adhd but I don’t think that’s accurate. I think girls just get conditioned to do more with less time. Like one day I just decided to work smarter and not harder. So I clean as I go, make one trip upstairs instead of 10, scrub the shower walls while I’m in the shower, make sure we have everything in the bag so we aren’t miserable at our destination (like dh forgets bug spray and then the kid itch for days) and generally I just double check and over think everything. Dh is awesome and is a rockstar dad, but damn he’d be lost without me. He’s also so bad at executive functioning. I’ve tried to train him. There are list everywhere. My kids even know to make sure dad is reminded of things. No solutions. I think everything will just get easier once we’re out of the baby and toddler stage. I am trying to raise my kids with excellent executive functioning skills.

[Anonymous]

This is so petty but omg the 3- 30 minute long poops drive me insane. Kids will be tearing through my house, begging for breakfast or lunch and he’s just pooping away blissfully. Not only can he not multitask, but he can actively ignore issues when he wants to. It’s like he has blinders on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same girl, same.

I’ve thought a lot about this. I blame a lot on dhs adhd but I don’t think that’s accurate. I think girls just get conditioned to do more with less time. Like one day I just decided to work smarter and not harder. So I clean as I go, make one trip upstairs instead of 10, scrub the shower walls while I’m in the shower, make sure we have everything in the bag so we aren’t miserable at our destination (like dh forgets bug spray and then the kid itch for days) and generally I just double check and over think everything. Dh is awesome and is a rockstar dad, but damn he’d be lost without me. He’s also so bad at executive functioning. I’ve tried to train him. There are list everywhere. My kids even know to make sure dad is reminded of things. No solutions. I think everything will just get easier once we’re out of the baby and toddler stage. I am trying to raise my kids with excellent executive functioning skills.

I agree with this but I just can't figure out why it would be the case. Why would you want to spend more time cleaning, getting ready, doing admin, etc., than you have to? It's just so obvious that you should try to combine tasks or do them in an order that minimizes work for you. And I feel like when we had a kid, my brain just started figuring out how to make all the repetitive parenting tasks go as smoothly as possible. I'm not even amazing at it -- I have friends who are like parenting Jedis with their ability to multitask and I am always stealing their good ideas. And yet my own DH doesn't pick up on very basic efficiencies. It's mysterious to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

you’re being conned

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same girl, same.

I’ve thought a lot about this. I blame a lot on dhs adhd but I don’t think that’s accurate. I think girls just get conditioned to do more with less time. Like one day I just decided to work smarter and not harder. So I clean as I go, make one trip upstairs instead of 10, scrub the shower walls while I’m in the shower, make sure we have everything in the bag so we aren’t miserable at our destination (like dh forgets bug spray and then the kid itch for days) and generally I just double check and over think everything. Dh is awesome and is a rockstar dad, but damn he’d be lost without me. He’s also so bad at executive functioning. I’ve tried to train him. There are list everywhere. My kids even know to make sure dad is reminded of things. No solutions. I think everything will just get easier once we’re out of the baby and toddler stage. I am trying to raise my kids with excellent executive functioning skills.

I agree with this but I just can't figure out why it would be the case. Why would you want to spend more time cleaning, getting ready, doing admin, etc., than you have to? It's just so obvious that you should try to combine tasks or do them in an order that minimizes work for you. And I feel like when we had a kid, my brain just started figuring out how to make all the repetitive parenting tasks go as smoothly as possible. I'm not even amazing at it -- I have friends who are like parenting Jedis with their ability to multitask and I am always stealing their good ideas. And yet my own DH doesn't pick up on very basic efficiencies. It's mysterious to me.

it’s not a mystery. his multitasking is offloading all the chores on you. and he’s very good at it.