Why can't men [my DH] multitask????

[Anonymous]

Wow! I've definitely found my people! I see my husband in so many of these comments. It's turned me into that nagging wife. We recently sold our house. 2 days before it was to be listed, while I was literally sweating bullets inside to get it vacuumed, mopped, dusted, and staged with a 2 yo following me around destroying all my work, I found DH outside washing the car. Are you f-ing kidding me? I ended up having to assign him specific tasks like a general contractor because otherwise he had minimal interest, until the morning of going live, to make anything look presentable.

[Anonymous]

I am a single childless woman who, due to my age, have dated a lot of divorced dads. I'm in a serious relationship with the one right now.

You know what? Men are perfectly capable of raising kids and running households. I know because I've witnessed them do it. Once they get divorced, the ones I've dated step up and start doing everything. But they didn't do all that when they were married.

Either the women enable them or the men just refuse to do the work because their wives are around or something. But it's not because they are inherently incapable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a single childless woman who, due to my age, have dated a lot of divorced dads. I'm in a serious relationship with the one right now.

You know what? Men are perfectly capable of raising kids and running households. I know because I've witnessed them do it. Once they get divorced, the ones I've dated step up and start doing everything. But they didn't do all that when they were married.

Either the women enable them or the men just refuse to do the work because their wives are around or something. But it's not because they are inherently incapable.

Or the woman was a micromanager and had control issues. I have seen this a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single childless woman who, due to my age, have dated a lot of divorced dads. I'm in a serious relationship with the one right now.

You know what? Men are perfectly capable of raising kids and running households. I know because I've witnessed them do it. Once they get divorced, the ones I've dated step up and start doing everything. But they didn't do all that when they were married.

Either the women enable them or the men just refuse to do the work because their wives are around or something. But it's not because they are inherently incapable.

Or the woman was a micromanager and had control issues. I have seen this a lot.

No, never! it is not possible you misogynist you. It is always the man's fault and don't you forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

Sounds like a disability

Could very well be but it didn't prevent him from earning a good living.

Yeah being self centered doesn’t prevent that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that he can’t multitask. It’s that he doesn’t want to do the various tasks no matter how basic (leaving the kid in a diaper until she gets a rash is borderline neglect an *is* disgusting) and so he is choosing not to do them. It’s very easy to agree that In Principle the tasks should be shared and then not share them

Tl;dr your husband is lazy.

Correct. He does not want responsibilities.

Yet he got married, bought a house, had kids… and wants to behave as if he has nothing to do but eat, work and watch Netflix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a single childless woman who, due to my age, have dated a lot of divorced dads. I'm in a serious relationship with the one right now.

You know what? Men are perfectly capable of raising kids and running households. I know because I've witnessed them do it. Once they get divorced, the ones I've dated step up and start doing everything. But they didn't do all that when they were married.

Either the women enable them or the men just refuse to do the work because their wives are around or something. But it's not because they are inherently incapable.

So cool. Flip the switch dads can function with 50% sitting time.

Kids test and bust marriages of these types all the time. Good luck when you need someone to really rely on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single childless woman who, due to my age, have dated a lot of divorced dads. I'm in a serious relationship with the one right now.

You know what? Men are perfectly capable of raising kids and running households. I know because I've witnessed them do it. Once they get divorced, the ones I've dated step up and start doing everything. But they didn't do all that when they were married.

Either the women enable them or the men just refuse to do the work because their wives are around or something. But it's not because they are inherently incapable.

Or the woman was a micromanager and had control issues. I have seen this a lot.

probably because the man does things half a$$ed, probably because he doesn't really care if the dishes are actually clean or the laundry is done. If it were just him, he'd probably would just turn his underwear inside out rather than do laundry. I see a lot of that, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single childless woman who, due to my age, have dated a lot of divorced dads. I'm in a serious relationship with the one right now.

You know what? Men are perfectly capable of raising kids and running households. I know because I've witnessed them do it. Once they get divorced, the ones I've dated step up and start doing everything. But they didn't do all that when they were married.

Either the women enable them or the men just refuse to do the work because their wives are around or something. But it's not because they are inherently incapable.

So cool. Flip the switch dads can function with 50% sitting time.

Kids test and bust marriages of these types all the time. Good luck when you need someone to really rely on.

type coherently, please, and thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a single childless woman who, due to my age, have dated a lot of divorced dads. I'm in a serious relationship with the one right now.

You know what? Men are perfectly capable of raising kids and running households. I know because I've witnessed them do it. Once they get divorced, the ones I've dated step up and start doing everything. But they didn't do all that when they were married.

Either the women enable them or the men just refuse to do the work because their wives are around or something. But it's not because they are inherently incapable.

Hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Right. And what you described is a tremendous amount of work. Women take in this immense role of teaching the kids without hitting, because let’s be honest….the formula of “3 year old whines = smack” is alot easier than what you described. And men just check out of that process in many cases. Add in unrealistic workplace expectations, food prep and cleaning and it’s a formula for never ending stress.

I am the PP who grew up in the 60s and 70s who was routinely hit by relatives, babysitters, and schoolteachers. Just FYI the majority of the adults who hit us back then were women. This is as you would expect, because back then, men were at work and most of the adults who were around kids were women. The dysfunction in these women was exactly what another PP observes in her husband - these women got impatient, struggled to remember how inexperienced the kids were (or didn't care), got enraged at anything less than perfect compliance, and quickly resorted to smacking us rather than try to figure out how to exert their authority effectively without violence. I don't see this as a particularly male pathology at all.

Even today, I bet if I recounted to my mom or aunt some actions of theirs that, in retrospect, clearly crossed the line into physical abuse, I bet they'd find some way to justify and rationalize it.

Those are good points. I would say that it’s women who read the parenting books and absorb the new advice. Men have internalized modern bourgeoisie parenting to nearly the same degree. Of course, there didn’t used to be so much advice. The idea that children have rights is new, just a little newer than the concept of human rights in general.

So to review:

Women often work full time jobs and have kids
Women do the bulk of the emotional labor including absorbing intensive parenting advice and putting it into practice.
Women do the bulk of food prep.
Women do the bulk of the cleaning.

It’s no wonder we’re all stressed.


don’t have any workable solutions but I think returning to single earner families would make this more realistic. But that’s not going to happen. It’s no surprise that the birth rate is catering world wide.

Single earner families don't solve the problem. I never wanted to be the default SAHP. I like working for more than just the income. I outsourced a lot and refused to do a lot. My house is clean but always messy and hasn't been remodeled in 15 years. No time or interest. What I care about is my kids' wellbeing and my career. Other people can cook and decorate if it's their thing.

Yup, totally the same PP. You attempt to (1) have a career, (2) raise kids, and (3) have a lovely, well-functioning household--but really you can at most do two of the list without complete burnout. As to (3), I have also refused to do a lot, outsourced a lot, and have a husband who's at least "25%-er" as another poster put it, and yet I barely manage the first two priorities. I have just accepted that a lovely, well-functioning house is just not in the cards. I'm (mostly) OK with that.

[Anonymous]

Most of the ones I work with can.
They have excellent executive functioning skills and verbal communication skills- at work, and when talking about kids or schools or sports or lawn stuff.
Just the other day I asked about the beat swim lesson places, lawn treatment Rec, and a vacation question and he answered right away. No ask the wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single childless woman who, due to my age, have dated a lot of divorced dads. I'm in a serious relationship with the one right now.

You know what? Men are perfectly capable of raising kids and running households. I know because I've witnessed them do it. Once they get divorced, the ones I've dated step up and start doing everything. But they didn't do all that when they were married.

Either the women enable them or the men just refuse to do the work because their wives are around or something. But it's not because they are inherently incapable.

Or the woman was a micromanager and had control issues. I have seen this a lot.

Even if this is the case, it does't absolve the man of responsibility. If your spouse is micromanaging your efforts to contibute to the household or as a parent, be a grownup and ask to talk to her about it. Say, "I want to be a fully contributing partner, but I need to be allowed to do it my way." If she refuses to allow this, you honestly have much bigger problems. But most of the time, what happens is that both partners are contributing to a negative dynamic. One is trying to control everything, which is bad, but the other is responding in a childlike fashion by simply avoiding doing things they know they should be doing. They are equally responsible. No one is blameless.

[Anonymous]

Tell me about it. Today I made sure the dog had her meds after her spay surgery, registered one kid for soccer, sent in the final paperwork for the other one's aftercare at ES, dealt w/a pharmacy issue, emailed vendors for the older one's bat mitzvah, paid an outstanding medical bill, cleaned the bathroom, wiped down kitchen counters, made meals. All while holding down a full time job throughout the day. And what did my husband do? took the younger one to swim practice. Whoop dee doo. I've come to accept. He basically accomplishes one task a day and that's winning for him. Cannot multitask to save his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me about it. Today I made sure the dog had her meds after her spay surgery, registered one kid for soccer, sent in the final paperwork for the other one's aftercare at ES, dealt w/a pharmacy issue, emailed vendors for the older one's bat mitzvah, paid an outstanding medical bill, cleaned the bathroom, wiped down kitchen counters, made meals. All while holding down a full time job throughout the day. And what did my husband do? took the younger one to swim practice. Whoop dee doo. I've come to accept. He basically accomplishes one task a day and that's winning for him. Cannot multitask to save his life.

Is he even aware of the other family life obligations you took care of today?
Did you put the swim lesson in his digital calendar, remind him, and double check the swim bag?