Reply to In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just yuck. How selfish of you to bring your AP partner to your kids’ games. You really have no self respect. You had an affair with your husband’s friend and feel like you should some how be excused for this (“water under the bridge”). That’s not how it works OP. I guess once selfish, always selfish. Your husband is a nice guy.[/quote]

So much this ^.  Your AP should not be attending any events involving your kids that your DH wishes to attend. Your ex has no obligation to work around your AP’s schedule, so stop with the “coordination”.

OP, I suggest that you do some serious reading about the complex PTSD that results from a long term affair where the spouse has lied

often over a long period.  Your betrayal is complicated by the betrayal of your husband’s former friend. Also read about “betrayal trauma”.

People with complex PTSD often struggle with isolation, flashbacks, nightmares, hyper-vigilance, etc.  These can last for decades and be triggered by what seems like innocuous situations to others.    What is a simple brief meeting with your AP, is not so simple to your Ex.

Frankly, your expectation that your DH tolerate being exposed to your AP reeks of the same kind of narcissism, lack of empathy, and refusal to acknowledge consequences and inauthenticity that enabled you to have an affair in the first place.

BTW, you say you have apologized, but an effective apology requires several components:

1) a full acknowledgement of the wrongs done
2) a demonstration of the adverse consequences of the wring behavior
3) an unqualified expression of remorse for the behavior and adverse impact

and the above must be given without any expectation of the apology being accepted or of “forgiveness” or other expectations that the apologize will ameliorate the relationship.

As you can see people who have affairs rarely can make a proper apology. They 1) fail to engage in full transparency about the affair, 2) exhibit more than a shallow understanding of the negative impact of the affair and even then mostly focus on the impact on themself, and 3) usually demand forgiveness or an improved relationship or shelter from further consequences. [/quote]

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