Reply to In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here. [/quote]

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check. [/quote]

Here's something else that might be useful to you.  My mom is one of those people that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile.  When she wants something, she's always testing people's boundaries and trying to figure out ways to manipulate them to get what she wants.  These are also personality traits that enable an affair.  If you go along with something to keep the peace, that just feeds into her delusions and is a building block for getting to the next level of what she wants.  So people tend to guard their boundaries and limit what they agree to.   And what she wants, like you, is a more friendly and amicable relationship between her AP and me and my dad.  We all know that her end game is something none of us want (she wants stuff like big family dinner parties together).  So her trying to work in casual mentions of her AP are met with suspicion and hostility because it feels like she's trying to push an agenda.  I don't know what your long-term plan is for this relationship, but I suspect your ex is sending you a message with his attitude towards your mentions of your AP, and it's a message you don't want to hear.  I think it's time for you to accept that this will never be the relationship it would have been if you had not betrayed your husband.  People can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship is as close as it used to be, or that it has to be the kind of relationship that the forgiven person happens to want.

[/quote]

This is great. Thank you. In [b]general the relationship between me and exh and even me and his parents and my parents is all pretty good. Everyone knows our marriage was not a good one and it’s better that it ended. And we have mutual friends still and are sometimes at same social gatherings[/b]. So yes I may have a skewed view of the reality of how modern family-esque things can really be.

I don’t think I’m personality disordered (who does) but I do know I made a huge error in judgement not divorcing first.

My SO is a good partner and dad and all of the things. His parenting was actually the thing that attracted me first. I would not bring him into the kids lives if I didn’t think he was a good person for them to be around. (Not to parent at all, I mean as they get older.) And yes I know that the way we started can consider that null. But I know I am also a great mom and not a bad person.

I’ll just drop any expectations I have of exh re so. I’ve had to swallow a lot of things he has done that I see as detrimental to the kids but I understand he is under no obligation to be cordial himself to so. [/quote]

PP with the cheating mom here, my parents are like that too.  They are ok at larger social gatherings and extended family as needed.  But they perceive it totally differently.  My mom will be like "Wasn't that *fun*!  It was so fun to see your dad!  I am so glad we all get along.  You're welcome, adult children, for my maturity in spending time with the man I cheated on.  Let's have dinner together!". And my dad will tolerate it for the sake of the grandkids and leave as soon as they can, and he and his wife will vent to me about it later-- inappropriate, but they do it to make sure I get the message.  Same event but totally different perceptions.  What seems "pretty good" to you, because that's what you want to believe, might not actually be very good in the eyes of others.  And your ex giving the cold shoulder to mentions of your ex is a big tipoff that all is not well.[/quote]

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