Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with further explanation it makes sense why he’s picking up more shifts. The more shifts he works, the more fun money he has. Not sure how you guys got into a place where you are the only one contributing to savings (I read the story of how that was the case in your initial relationship) but that never should’ve stayed the same as time progressed.

I don’t know what the underlying issue is but it honestly sounds like a power dynamic. To be perfectly honest he’s taking advantage of you in a major way. You asked what an appropriate number is for an allowance. The answer is “whatever is left over“. You take a look at your salaries, you both contribute an amount proportional to how much you earn to all household expenses (that includes childcare!), What’s left over is fun money. So you don’t start with how much you want for discretionary income, you start with household expenses and figure out what’s left over.

I agree, but then doesn't that still encourage him to pick up extra shifts for more fun money? Or are you saying that if the extra shifts require me to bear the brunt of childcare and household duties I should charge only him for it? Because if we charge ourselves equivocally, then in a way, I will still end up paying more to pay someone for house help because he's working more for fun money. It still doesn't seem fair...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the short term, prioritize you time over family time. Seriously. So he works until 1 and then 3-6 was supposed to be family time. Great! Have an appointment, need to get something, oops, cousin called and you need to call her back. Be honest with him that you are going to take from 3-5 and then help with dinner or whatever.

But you can't make more hours. You need to decide what is better for you. He is doing that (shifts) and that is ok. You don't have to have the same metrics. If all family matters more, then let it go that you have no you time.

Right now, it's honestly the cleaning that doesnt allow me to do this. For example, today he came home at 2 and took DCs to the playground from 3:30-5:30 so I used that time to catch up on cleaning. It was finally alone time, but not really fully for myself. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

So why are your finances not combined?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the short term, prioritize you time over family time. Seriously. So he works until 1 and then 3-6 was supposed to be family time. Great! Have an appointment, need to get something, oops, cousin called and you need to call her back. Be honest with him that you are going to take from 3-5 and then help with dinner or whatever.

But you can't make more hours. You need to decide what is better for you. He is doing that (shifts) and that is ok. You don't have to have the same metrics. If all family matters more, then let it go that you have no you time.

Right now, it's honestly the cleaning that doesnt allow me to do this. For example, today he came home at 2 and took DCs to the playground from 3:30-5:30 so I used that time to catch up on cleaning. It was finally alone time, but not really fully for myself. Sigh.

So pay someone to come clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with further explanation it makes sense why he’s picking up more shifts. The more shifts he works, the more fun money he has. Not sure how you guys got into a place where you are the only one contributing to savings (I read the story of how that was the case in your initial relationship) but that never should’ve stayed the same as time progressed.

I don’t know what the underlying issue is but it honestly sounds like a power dynamic. To be perfectly honest he’s taking advantage of you in a major way. You asked what an appropriate number is for an allowance. The answer is “whatever is left over“. You take a look at your salaries, you both contribute an amount proportional to how much you earn to all household expenses (that includes childcare!), What’s left over is fun money. So you don’t start with how much you want for discretionary income, you start with household expenses and figure out what’s left over.

I agree, but then doesn't that still encourage him to pick up extra shifts for more fun money? Or are you saying that if the extra shifts require me to bear the brunt of childcare and household duties I should charge only him for it? Because if we charge ourselves equivocally, then in a way, I will still end up paying more to pay someone for house help because he's working more for fun money. It still doesn't seem fair...

No. It’s not his “fun” money. Fun money is budgeted from what is leftover (which includes budgeting for house projects, retirement, college, vacations, other). Extra money that comes in is. It fun money - it goes to the priority family items. If there is a large windfall (inheritance, extra work bonus), then the two of you talk about what to do with it.

The money relationship the two of you have is VERY unhealthy and encourages bad and territorial decisions.

It’s fine to have separate accounts - but *only* budgeted, discretionary funds are considered “separate.”

[Anonymous]

And no it doesn’t encourage him to pick up more shifts. Remember that at some point, time is your most valuable asset. When he is working (ostensibly to collect more fun money), you are spending time on homeschooling the kids, household chores, and cleaning it sounds like. Not only are you taking on the lion’s share of savings, you’ve also been given the lion’s share of household responsibilities in addition to your full-time job. Serious question, how did you get here? The budgeting isn’t the only thing that needs to be reevaluated. Responsibilities and free time do too. I know that’s a lot to ask but honestly this situation does not sound sustainable.

I’m a shift worker (ER doc) btw and a single mom so I get it. But this arrangement has to change or you’re going to resent the hell out of this guy. I do it all alone (SMBC) so I know how much work there is to do. If you’re lucky enough to have a partner, make it work for you sister!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

So why are your finances not combined?

As in depositing our entire checks into one account? I could never do that. I was raised by a single mom. I'm okay with a joint account for HH costs and joint savings, but I need to have financial independence of a separate account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the short term, prioritize you time over family time. Seriously. So he works until 1 and then 3-6 was supposed to be family time. Great! Have an appointment, need to get something, oops, cousin called and you need to call her back. Be honest with him that you are going to take from 3-5 and then help with dinner or whatever.

But you can't make more hours. You need to decide what is better for you. He is doing that (shifts) and that is ok. You don't have to have the same metrics. If all family matters more, then let it go that you have no you time.

Right now, it's honestly the cleaning that doesnt allow me to do this. For example, today he came home at 2 and took DCs to the playground from 3:30-5:30 so I used that time to catch up on cleaning. It was finally alone time, but not really fully for myself. Sigh.

So pay someone to come clean.

Yes, that is the plan. Our regular cleaning company stopped during COVID and has not yet resumed. I've been trying to identify someone new for the past month to no avail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And no it doesn’t encourage him to pick up more shifts. Remember that at some point, time is your most valuable asset. When he is working (ostensibly to collect more fun money), you are spending time on homeschooling the kids, household chores, and cleaning it sounds like. Not only are you taking on the lion’s share of savings, you’ve also been given the lion’s share of household responsibilities in addition to your full-time job. Serious question, how did you get here? The budgeting isn’t the only thing that needs to be reevaluated. Responsibilities and free time do too. I know that’s a lot to ask but honestly this situation does not sound sustainable.

I’m a shift worker (ER doc) btw and a single mom so I get it. But this arrangement has to change or you’re going to resent the hell out of this guy. I do it all alone (SMBC) so I know how much work there is to do. If you’re lucky enough to have a partner, make it work for you sister!

First of all, you are a rock star so kudos to YOU on balancing being an ER doc and single mom. Wow.

I have no clue how we got here. But COVID has 100% exacerbated the inequities in our situation.

I think in the beginning it made "sense" because I was making 75% of what he did and we only had one child. But it was still bad. Several missed holidays, including multiple mother's days, by choice because he picks up extra shifts. Both of our DCs first sentences have been "Where's Daddy? Daddy's at work." I am not dramatizing. It's that bad.

We just got used to me building my schedule around his until one day, he was coming home at 1am on a Saturday night and leaving on a Sunday at 8am and I was like- wait a minute. What's happening here? And before folks suggest otherwise, yes, he's actually at work.

After a series of intense discussions, he finally got a whiteboard to put on the fridge so that I know his schedule in advance. Until last year, I had to ask him every day what his schedule was, which created additional unnecessary conflict.

I have told him this before, but in general, he takes me for granted. My schedule is usually a standard 9-5 and when it exceeds that, pre-Covid I would just finish my work from home, even if it meant staying up until 1am each night because I was juggling dinner bedtime by myself for the entire week. I also occasionally travel for work, but when I do, my mom comes and stays at my home to provide childcare support. When that happen, his schedule actually gets worse and he picks up even more shifts since my mom is there and he knows she won't complain. The frustration is that during those weeks, he works harder, but I don't see any increases in monetary contributions to the house.

He just likes to have extra cash to spend on nonsense. Gadgets, electronics, etc. And because of the nature of his job, it's considered "more important" than mine despite our salary disparities or the fact that he's picking up extra shifts that aren't required yet put more household pressure on me.

Thanks for the good vibes and allowing me to vent. I am going to take identifying a therapist more seriously because I dont think that I'll get over this and I know that his behavior is not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

So why are your finances not combined?

As in depositing our entire checks into one account? I could never do that. I was raised by a single mom. I'm okay with a joint account for HH costs and joint savings, but I need to have financial independence of a separate account.

Do you really feel empowered now? Independent?

[Anonymous]

I won't address other problems, but when he gives you his schedule for the upcoming month, identify a 2-3 hour slot of time each week that you will be going out to get refreshed. Write it on the calendar, "Mary out 5-8" Then go out once per week for a sanity break. Leave your house.

I was in a different situation as a SAHM. My husband was gone all day for work. Then I'd serve dinner, clean up, get kids ready for bed, etc. Weekends were spent as a family. I needed a mental break from the kids. So I started Thursday nights as my night out alone. Sometimes I went to the library and just sat there and read a book for two hours straight. Or I went shopping or to a coffee shop, etc. Just knowing I was getting a scheduled break each week made such a difference to me.

So add that into your calendar each and every week for the month. And leave the house and kids and hubby and cleaning behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the short term, prioritize you time over family time. Seriously. So he works until 1 and then 3-6 was supposed to be family time. Great! Have an appointment, need to get something, oops, cousin called and you need to call her back. Be honest with him that you are going to take from 3-5 and then help with dinner or whatever.

But you can't make more hours. You need to decide what is better for you. He is doing that (shifts) and that is ok. You don't have to have the same metrics. If all family matters more, then let it go that you have no you time.

Right now, it's honestly the cleaning that doesnt allow me to do this. For example, today he came home at 2 and took DCs to the playground from 3:30-5:30 so I used that time to catch up on cleaning. It was finally alone time, but not really fully for myself. Sigh.

So pay someone to come clean.

or don't clean. Who is coming over? You have a lot of excuses as to why you aren't taking time for yourself. The next time he is alone with the kids just leave. Take some time to yourself to read a book or whatever you view as being fully for yourself. You have to figure out how to carve this time our for yourself. You are holding yourself back. Not your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

So why are your finances not combined?

As in depositing our entire checks into one account? I could never do that. I was raised by a single mom. I'm okay with a joint account for HH costs and joint savings, but I need to have financial independence of a separate account.

Do you really feel empowered now? Independent?

Financially independent and empowered? Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't address other problems, but when he gives you his schedule for the upcoming month, identify a 2-3 hour slot of time each week that you will be going out to get refreshed. Write it on the calendar, "Mary out 5-8" Then go out once per week for a sanity break. Leave your house.

I was in a different situation as a SAHM. My husband was gone all day for work. Then I'd serve dinner, clean up, get kids ready for bed, etc. Weekends were spent as a family. I needed a mental break from the kids. So I started Thursday nights as my night out alone. Sometimes I went to the library and just sat there and read a book for two hours straight. Or I went shopping or to a coffee shop, etc. Just knowing I was getting a scheduled break each week made such a difference to me.

So add that into your calendar each and every week for the month. And leave the house and kids and hubby and cleaning behind.

I will try this. Thank you.

Can I ask if you ever felt guilty for leaving during the few windows that you had available for your children to be with both parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what he can go to work and the grocery store and you are envious of this freedom?? No one is going any place fun these days, so chill. U are have it better than most the little one is in daycare and the older one is on zoom all day. Take a walk with your kid at lunch time and just grow up... it all sucks right now.

I actually do the grocery store runs after school with the 6 yo.
He's definitely not going anywhere fun without me, but he gets quiet time that I do not get at all.
I think that's what I'm resentful of. He picks up extra shifts outside of his standard work schedule and gets way more alone time while I'm being shadowed all day by a 6 yo and then evenings and weekends by a 2 yo, as well.

Leave the kids with him when you go grocery shopping. Take the long way home.