Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what he can go to work and the grocery store and you are envious of this freedom?? No one is going any place fun these days, so chill. U are have it better than most the little one is in daycare and the older one is on zoom all day. Take a walk with your kid at lunch time and just grow up... it all sucks right now.

Not OP. You clearly have zero clue what it’s like to be home w a 6 yo DL. She is basically the teacher. At most, DL is facilitating homes school at this age. It’s terrible and is destroying a generation of mothers. I feel for OP. I wish I had advice but the only that’s going to help is schools opening. I hope yours does soon.

OP here. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

I don’t quite understand. Can you elaborate here? It seems to me the problem is not his schedule but you have a disagreement of the handling of your finances. Why is all of the money not “yours” - as in both of yours?

It's a longer story, but when we first got married, we were living in a house that he owned with someone else, so for various reasons, I did not contribute to household bills and put all of my extra income in our savings account. A year later he sold the home and we bought our own home together and I contributed about 30% to the household and put the rest in savings, while he took care of 70% and daycare for #1. Then as my salary increased, I gradually increased my household contribution and we had #2, whom I pay daycare costs for. So now, we're at 60% him and 40% me for household costs, but I still continue to put all of my extra income in our savings and he does not because the precedent had already been set.

Typing this through I realize that this is part of the issue.

Also, as another dimension, I am starting a new job in January where I'll be making $30k more and this week he told me that we'll need to renegotiate our household contributions or he'll have to pick up more shifts "to keep up with me". I think this is what spurred my latest bout of resentment.

I think you are both looking at this in a toxic way. Does it really matter if “your” money goes into joint savings to be used for your kids or whatever while more of “his” money goes into household expenses? What is even the difference there? At the end of the day it’s all joint money anyway so I don’t think the bean-counting is productive.

If you have enough money there is no need for him to pick up extra shifts to keep up. I would recommend counseling to help you sort this out productively if after discussing this again you are on different pages.

You are right. Except it becomes an issue when I use my extra money to build our savings and he uses his extra money on luxury/unnecessary items. So it's not so much where our "core" money goes, but where the extra money goes. And you're right, we don't need the extra extra money and I'd rather him not pick up extra shifts and be home with the family and/or providing me childcare relief. That's the whole premise of my post.
We discuss it every six months and I do think that professional counseling is needed at this point. How do we navigate couples counseling during a pandemic with a 6 yo shadow?

You tell the 6yo they can’t interrupt unless someone is bleeding and you lock the door so they can’t barge in. You let them watch tv or movie or play on the iPad or something fun and unusual to keep them occupied.

Also, consider a financial planner as well as a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what he can go to work and the grocery store and you are envious of this freedom?? No one is going any place fun these days, so chill. U are have it better than most the little one is in daycare and the older one is on zoom all day. Take a walk with your kid at lunch time and just grow up... it all sucks right now.

I actually do the grocery store runs after school with the 6 yo.
He's definitely not going anywhere fun without me, but he gets quiet time that I do not get at all.
I think that's what I'm resentful of. He picks up extra shifts outside of his standard work schedule and gets way more alone time while I'm being shadowed all day by a 6 yo and then evenings and weekends by a 2 yo, as well.

And then spend the money on himself, it sounds like. It’s not like he’s banking the money for college or the house or some thing, at least that’s what it sounds like

No he's not banking the money. Early on in our marriage, we agreed that I was better at saving. But at this point, it's definitely to the extreme. We've split household expenses 60(him)/40(me), but then I put all my extra in our accounts. Even more so now because I have nothing to spend it on. But he bought a new truck in August even though he has no where to go with it. He has two personal vehicles and a work vehicle that he primarily drives. (That's another vent.)

OP, at a minimum, put some of the savings in your account, nothing commingled, for your protection. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

I think you may need to sacrifice some family time now. On some of the days or times when both you and DH are off, you need to coordinate with DH so that he takes the kids and gives you some alone time. That’s the only way to survive now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you may need to sacrifice some family time now. On some of the days or times when both you and DH are off, you need to coordinate with DH so that he takes the kids and gives you some alone time. That’s the only way to survive now...

+1 On Sunday, the moment he walks in the door from work, you leave ALONE. And stay away thru dinner and bedtime. It seems obvious that you and DH need some professional help with family finances and family life. Your resentment will only grow.

[Anonymous]

The new job is a good time to reconfigure how you’ve been doing things. I’d suggest the “allowance” system, where each of you has fun money. You can put your fun money into a separate account for a big purchase later if you don’t want to spend it. Use some of the additional money for child care for the 6 year old to give you some time to yourself. Childcare, by the way, should be a joint household expense, not from your fun money. Sorry , sounds frustrating.

[Anonymous]

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And then spend the money on himself, it sounds like. It’s not like he’s banking the money for college or the house or some thing, at least that’s what it sounds like

No he's not banking the money. Early on in our marriage, we agreed that I was better at saving. But at this point, it's definitely to the extreme. We've split household expenses 60(him)/40(me), but then I put all my extra in our accounts. Even more so now because I have nothing to spend it on. But he bought a new truck in August even though he has no where to go with it. He has two personal vehicles and a work vehicle that he primarily drives. (That's another vent.)

OP, at a minimum, put some of the savings in your account, nothing commingled, for your protection. Seriously.

I definitely do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you may need to sacrifice some family time now. On some of the days or times when both you and DH are off, you need to coordinate with DH so that he takes the kids and gives you some alone time. That’s the only way to survive now...

I think you're right...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The new job is a good time to reconfigure how you’ve been doing things. I’d suggest the “allowance” system, where each of you has fun money. You can put your fun money into a separate account for a big purchase later if you don’t want to spend it. Use some of the additional money for child care for the 6 year old to give you some time to yourself. Childcare, by the way, should be a joint household expense, not from your fun money. Sorry , sounds frustrating.

Yes, I've been thinking about hiring a helper on the evenings when he's not home and I am juggling dinner and bedtime with both kids. We have just been super conservative about allowing people into our home during COVID. But if my workload increases and schools do not reopen to at least hybrid in February, I will not be able to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you talk to him? Can you take the 6 year old out to get coffee or dessert? Why can't you get alone time on the weekends or run the errands?

I wouldn’t recommend taking a six yr. old out for a coffee at this age.....

Keep in mind that all of this will end soon.
It’s not going to be forever. 🤞🏼

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you may need to sacrifice some family time now. On some of the days or times when both you and DH are off, you need to coordinate with DH so that he takes the kids and gives you some alone time. That’s the only way to survive now...

I think you're right...

OP here again. After thinking this through, I realize that those are the times that I catch up on cleaning. I really need to find a new service provider.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’ve gotten some harsh responses, but what is happening in your family is clearly not right. Your DH may be feeling insecure because your salary is growing faster than his - but that is totally normal if he is a first responder.

You are absolutely entitled to some downtime. It would probably help if you could describe what that would look like and put it on a shared calendar. He may also be resentful that he is doing the morning routine at 7 even if he gets home at 2 am. I know you are feeling so resentful if his time that you may not care at this point, but it seems that there are some “pain points” in both sides that could be renegotiated.

And on budget, is he really not contributing to savings? Sounds like he thinks that all the money from his extra shifts are his “fun” money when in reality, they “cost” you quite a bit in terms of time, family load, etc.

The two of you definitely need to talk about your financial aspirations (retirement, kids’ college, vacations, etc) and *both* should be contributing to those. When paychecks come in, it should be set up where bills are paid and money goes directly to savings and each of you has a “fun money” amount each month. If there is extra (many of us aren’t spending as much during Covid), you agree where that will go. For example, we are putting more money towards future vacations to take a really nice trip when all of this is over.

Good luck. Come back and tell us how these conversations go. And don’t discuss this in the heat of the moment. Make a plan to discuss when you are both well rested and have time to concentrate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’ve gotten some harsh responses, but what is happening in your family is clearly not right. Your DH may be feeling insecure because your salary is growing faster than his - but that is totally normal if he is a first responder.

You are absolutely entitled to some downtime. It would probably help if you could describe what that would look like and put it on a shared calendar. He may also be resentful that he is doing the morning routine at 7 even if he gets home at 2 am. I know you are feeling so resentful if his time that you may not care at this point, but it seems that there are some “pain points” in both sides that could be renegotiated.

And on budget, is he really not contributing to savings? Sounds like he thinks that all the money from his extra shifts are his “fun” money when in reality, they “cost” you quite a bit in terms of time, family load, etc.

The two of you definitely need to talk about your financial aspirations (retirement, kids’ college, vacations, etc) and *both* should be contributing to those. When paychecks come in, it should be set up where bills are paid and money goes directly to savings and each of you has a “fun money” amount each month. If there is extra (many of us aren’t spending as much during Covid), you agree where that will go. For example, we are putting more money towards future vacations to take a really nice trip when all of this is over.

Good luck. Come back and tell us how these conversations go. And don’t discuss this in the heat of the moment. Make a plan to discuss when you are both well rested and have time to concentrate.

Thank you so much for this very thoughtful response. I appreciate it.

You are spot on. He does not contribute to savings. He transfers the exact amount needed for household expenses and adjusts as necessary. The rest is his fun money. When we go on vacation we split the cost, and he usually picks up a few extra shifts for quick cash if he needs it. Everything follows this pattern and I've honestly never thought through it this much because his schedule, while still annoying, was more manageable when we had childcare that wasn't COVID affected.

Thanks again for the advice.

[Anonymous]

For the short term, prioritize you time over family time. Seriously. So he works until 1 and then 3-6 was supposed to be family time. Great! Have an appointment, need to get something, oops, cousin called and you need to call her back. Be honest with him that you are going to take from 3-5 and then help with dinner or whatever.

But you can't make more hours. You need to decide what is better for you. He is doing that (shifts) and that is ok. You don't have to have the same metrics. If all family matters more, then let it go that you have no you time.

[Anonymous]

OP with further explanation it makes sense why he’s picking up more shifts. The more shifts he works, the more fun money he has. Not sure how you guys got into a place where you are the only one contributing to savings (I read the story of how that was the case in your initial relationship) but that never should’ve stayed the same as time progressed.

I don’t know what the underlying issue is but it honestly sounds like a power dynamic. To be perfectly honest he’s taking advantage of you in a major way. You asked what an appropriate number is for an allowance. The answer is “whatever is left over“. You take a look at your salaries, you both contribute an amount proportional to how much you earn to all household expenses (that includes childcare!), What’s left over is fun money. So you don’t start with how much you want for discretionary income, you start with household expenses and figure out what’s left over.