Reply to Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]And no it doesn’t encourage him to pick up more shifts. Remember that at some point, time is your most valuable asset. When he is working (ostensibly to collect more fun money), you are spending time on homeschooling the kids, household chores, and cleaning it sounds like. Not only are you taking on the lion’s share of savings, you’ve also been given the lion’s share of household responsibilities in addition to your full-time job. Serious question, how did you get here? The budgeting isn’t the only thing that needs to be reevaluated. Responsibilities and free time do too. I know that’s a lot to ask but honestly this situation does not sound sustainable.

I’m a shift worker (ER doc) btw and a single mom so I get it. But this arrangement has to change or you’re going to resent the hell out of this guy. I do it all alone (SMBC) so I know how much work there is to do. If you’re lucky enough to have a partner, make it work for you sister![/quote]

First of all, you are a rock star so kudos to YOU on balancing being an ER doc and single mom. Wow.

I have no clue how we got here. But COVID has 100% exacerbated the inequities in our situation.

I think in the beginning it made "sense" because I was making 75% of what he did and we only had one child. But it was still bad. Several missed holidays, including multiple mother's days, by choice because he picks up extra shifts. Both of our DCs first sentences have been "Where's Daddy? Daddy's at work." I am not dramatizing. It's that bad.

We just got used to me building my schedule around his until one day, he was coming home at 1am on a Saturday night and leaving on a Sunday at 8am and I was like- wait a minute. What's happening here? And before folks suggest otherwise, yes, he's actually at work.

After a series of intense discussions, he finally got a whiteboard to put on the fridge so that I know his schedule in advance. Until last year, I had to ask him every day what his schedule was, which created additional unnecessary conflict.

I have told him this before, but in general, he takes me for granted. My schedule is usually a standard 9-5 and when it exceeds that, pre-Covid I would just finish my work from home, even if it meant staying up until 1am each night because I was juggling dinner bedtime by myself for the entire week. I also occasionally travel for work, but when I do, my mom comes and stays at my home to provide childcare support. When that happen, his schedule actually gets worse and he picks up even more shifts since my mom is there and he knows she won't complain. The frustration is that during those weeks, he works harder, but I don't see any increases in monetary contributions to the house.

He just likes to have extra cash to spend on nonsense. Gadgets, electronics, etc. And because of the nature of his job, it's considered "more important" than mine despite our salary disparities or the fact that he's picking up extra shifts that aren't required yet put more household pressure on me.

Thanks for the good vibes and allowing me to vent. I am going to take identifying a therapist more seriously because I dont think that I'll get over this and I know that his behavior is not going to change.
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