Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances

I think that’s the rule and not the exception.

My DH and I each have a credit card from our single days that we keep for “secret” purchases, and by that I mean each other’s birthday presents.. It would never occur to us to split things up like you do.

That takes a level of trust that I'm uncomfortable with. I've had too many friends (of both sexes) tell me about their accounts being wiped by their partners.

I see how combining funds would hold us more accountable to core bills, savings, and then discretionary funds...That's something for me to mull over. But I don't see how that would necessarily change his work habits. If anything, I'm terrified that he'd want to spend MORE money because he'd see more money going into our joint account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband has always prioritized his wants ahead of the needs of you and your children. In normal times you could gloss over it because you could meet those needs on your own, but now that a crisis has hit, it’s become glaringly obvious that he will never step up to be a true partner in your marriage or your family.

My DH has done a 180. Seriously I brace myself for impact and he turns around and says the most supportive things. We are having a very close period. What did I do? I talked, I vocalized my feelings. I leaned into what I felt. I didn’t stop. 6 weeks I was relentless. He finally “got it”. I’m so pleased.

Huh? Are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances

I think that’s the rule and not the exception.

My DH and I each have a credit card from our single days that we keep for “secret” purchases, and by that I mean each other’s birthday presents.. It would never occur to us to split things up like you do.

That takes a level of trust that I'm uncomfortable with. I've had too many friends (of both sexes) tell me about their accounts being wiped by their partners.

I see how combining funds would hold us more accountable to core bills, savings, and then discretionary funds...That's something for me to mull over. But I don't see how that would necessarily change his work habits. If anything, I'm terrified that he'd want to spend MORE money because he'd see more money going into our joint account.

Why can’t your paychecks either be split into the joint household, savings, and personal accounts (with each of you getting a set amount to spend on whatever) or it all goes into joint household with automatic transfers to individual accounts and savings? If you don’t trust him, that’s definitely a problem - but he does contribute what he promised to contribute with no issues and isn’t in debt...right? You don’t like what he is spending “his” money on but the whole point is that you should both have discretionary income the other can say nothing about - AFTER all of your savings goals and bills are met.

Bottom line, you are acting like two individuals and not a team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances

I think that’s the rule and not the exception.

My DH and I each have a credit card from our single days that we keep for “secret” purchases, and by that I mean each other’s birthday presents.. It would never occur to us to split things up like you do.

That takes a level of trust that I'm uncomfortable with. I've had too many friends (of both sexes) tell me about their accounts being wiped by their partners.

I see how combining funds would hold us more accountable to core bills, savings, and then discretionary funds...That's something for me to mull over. But I don't see how that would necessarily change his work habits. If anything, I'm terrified that he'd want to spend MORE money because he'd see more money going into our joint account.

I find it odd that you would have such a lack of trust for your spouse. Maybe you have good cause for it. I also find it hard to believe that you have "too many friends" who have had their accounts wiped by their spouses.

All that aside, unless you are dealing with someone who suddenly takes all the money from an account, you can still keep an eye on the balance in a shared account, spending, etc.

I also think that keeping things separate sends a message about a lack of trust -- obviously correctly in your case -- and that cannot be good for a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Well, I’m sure you aware you have several things that need to be addressed about your husband and your marriage.

But I think a simple solution is to have a flat rate of “fun money” for each of you per month. Each person gets to spend $500 (or whatever number you think is right) per month on themselves, the rest, no matter what that number is, gets put into joint savings. If one of wants more fun money for the month, it needs to be agreed upon by the other person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband has always prioritized his wants ahead of the needs of you and your children. In normal times you could gloss over it because you could meet those needs on your own, but now that a crisis has hit, it’s become glaringly obvious that he will never step up to be a true partner in your marriage or your family.

My DH has done a 180. Seriously I brace myself for impact and he turns around and says the most supportive things. We are having a very close period. What did I do? I talked, I vocalized my feelings. I leaned into what I felt. I didn’t stop. 6 weeks I was relentless. He finally “got it”. I’m so pleased.

Huh? Are you OP?

No. That was not me, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances

I think that’s the rule and not the exception.

My DH and I each have a credit card from our single days that we keep for “secret” purchases, and by that I mean each other’s birthday presents.. It would never occur to us to split things up like you do.

That takes a level of trust that I'm uncomfortable with. I've had too many friends (of both sexes) tell me about their accounts being wiped by their partners.

I see how combining funds would hold us more accountable to core bills, savings, and then discretionary funds...That's something for me to mull over. But I don't see how that would necessarily change his work habits. If anything, I'm terrified that he'd want to spend MORE money because he'd see more money going into our joint account.

Why can’t your paychecks either be split into the joint household, savings, and personal accounts (with each of you getting a set amount to spend on whatever) or it all goes into joint household with automatic transfers to individual accounts and savings? If you don’t trust him, that’s definitely a problem - but he does contribute what he promised to contribute with no issues and isn’t in debt...right? You don’t like what he is spending “his” money on but the whole point is that you should both have discretionary income the other can say nothing about - AFTER all of your savings goals and bills are met.

Bottom line, you are acting like two individuals and not a team.

To clarify, I'm not so caught up on what he spends his money on. It's annoying, but it is what it is. I'm caught up on the fact that he picks up extra shifts in order to have more discretionary income, which puts a burden on me in terms of childcare and household duties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances

I think that’s the rule and not the exception.

My DH and I each have a credit card from our single days that we keep for “secret” purchases, and by that I mean each other’s birthday presents.. It would never occur to us to split things up like you do.

That takes a level of trust that I'm uncomfortable with. I've had too many friends (of both sexes) tell me about their accounts being wiped by their partners.

I see how combining funds would hold us more accountable to core bills, savings, and then discretionary funds...That's something for me to mull over. But I don't see how that would necessarily change his work habits. If anything, I'm terrified that he'd want to spend MORE money because he'd see more money going into our joint account.

I find it odd that you would have such a lack of trust for your spouse. Maybe you have good cause for it. I also find it hard to believe that you have "too many friends" who have had their accounts wiped by their spouses.

All that aside, unless you are dealing with someone who suddenly takes all the money from an account, you can still keep an eye on the balance in a shared account, spending, etc.

I also think that keeping things separate sends a message about a lack of trust -- obviously correctly in your case -- and that cannot be good for a relationship.

"Too many" for me equals 5 that I can think of right now off the top of my head. Examples include large unauthorized purchases, sending significantly large sums of money to family overseas (in the 10s of thousands), and another was a court judgement that froze their account. The court judgement situation also happened to my mother when my cousin forged her signature on a lease (another long story, but I will never forget the financial havoc it reeked on my family.) DH has the same name as his dad who is extremely financially irresponsible. We get many collection bills and calls at our home looking for his dad. I'm honestly terrified that one day there'll be a mixup and they freeze one of DH's accounts thinking it's his dad. I've told him this so he knows and completely understands and agrees that its important that I have a pot of money only in my name for all of our protection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I’m sure you aware you have several things that need to be addressed about your husband and your marriage.

But I think a simple solution is to have a flat rate of “fun money” for each of you per month. Each person gets to spend $500 (or whatever number you think is right) per month on themselves, the rest, no matter what that number is, gets put into joint savings. If one of wants more fun money for the month, it needs to be agreed upon by the other person.

I like this. Thank you.
May I ask a follow up question? Would you consider an additional car note part of that fun money? DH bought a car that he does not need and I don't think should be included in any calculations for core household expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I’m sure you aware you have several things that need to be addressed about your husband and your marriage.

But I think a simple solution is to have a flat rate of “fun money” for each of you per month. Each person gets to spend $500 (or whatever number you think is right) per month on themselves, the rest, no matter what that number is, gets put into joint savings. If one of wants more fun money for the month, it needs to be agreed upon by the other person.

I like this. Thank you.
May I ask a follow up question? Would you consider an additional car note part of that fun money? DH bought a car that he does not need and I don't think should be included in any calculations for core household expenses.

Oh man. That is tricky. Buying a car should be a joint decision, not an impulse purchase. If he didn't already have the car, but wanted it as a "fun" purchase then I would have said, as long as he can cover it with his "fun" money.

But I guess that shipped has sailed. Is it leased or did he take out a loan? Since he already has it and you haven't set your fun money amount yet, I think if the car note is under 50% of the fun money amount, then he has to use that money on the note. If it is over 50%, then I would push him to sell it. That is crazy he decided to buy a car that he couldn't afford to pay cash for AND didn't even need. I would be fuming about that. To be honest, he sounds terrible with money and I would try to encourage him to take a money management class with you. Otherwise, your marriage and your personal financial livelihood is headed toward disaster.

[Anonymous]

I’m the poster that laid out some of the pitfalls of being married to a guy that always helps others.

Honestly, op, I’d probably not stay married. If I’m going to function like a single parent, I may as well be one.

I couldn’t deal with looking forward to a family or couple activity only to have him bail. More importantly, I wouldn’t want to.

I’d also not be comfortable with him saying he was “going for a ride” only to find out he’d done a favor for, especially if that favor was working for free at a for-proffit business, something which is highly illegal.

You mention that covid is forcing you to stay home. Your husband is exposing you and the kids as well as himself by all his helping friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances

I think that’s the rule and not the exception.

My DH and I each have a credit card from our single days that we keep for “secret” purchases, and by that I mean each other’s birthday presents.. It would never occur to us to split things up like you do.

That takes a level of trust that I'm uncomfortable with. I've had too many friends (of both sexes) tell me about their accounts being wiped by their partners.

I see how combining funds would hold us more accountable to core bills, savings, and then discretionary funds...That's something for me to mull over. But I don't see how that would necessarily change his work habits. If anything, I'm terrified that he'd want to spend MORE money because he'd see more money going into our joint account.

I find it odd that you would have such a lack of trust for your spouse. Maybe you have good cause for it. I also find it hard to believe that you have "too many friends" who have had their accounts wiped by their spouses.

All that aside, unless you are dealing with someone who suddenly takes all the money from an account, you can still keep an eye on the balance in a shared account, spending, etc.

I also think that keeping things separate sends a message about a lack of trust -- obviously correctly in your case -- and that cannot be good for a relationship.

"Too many" for me equals 5 that I can think of right now off the top of my head. Examples include large unauthorized purchases, sending significantly large sums of money to family overseas (in the 10s of thousands), and another was a court judgement that froze their account. The court judgement situation also happened to my mother when my cousin forged her signature on a lease (another long story, but I will never forget the financial havoc it reeked on my family.) DH has the same name as his dad who is extremely financially irresponsible. We get many collection bills and calls at our home looking for his dad. I'm honestly terrified that one day there'll be a mixup and they freeze one of DH's accounts thinking it's his dad. I've told him this so he knows and completely understands and agrees that its important that I have a pot of money only in my name for all of our protection.

You’ve posted snippets of how both of you were raised regarding money. There some financial folks who really talk about the importance of understanding your relationship to money and the stories you were exposed to growing up. These snippets are really important and some of the most insightful stuff you’ve posted and really help me see more how you got here.

[Anonymous]

He's a hard working man who picks up extra shifts so you two can make ends meet and you are bitchin about him? Because your job requires work at home now and his doesn't? Unless you can earn more money and give the poor man a break, you should stop whining and NE thankful he puts up with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a hard working man who picks up extra shifts so you two can make ends meet and you are bitchin about him? Because your job requires work at home now and his doesn't? Unless you can earn more money and give the poor man a break, you should stop whining and NE thankful he puts up with you.

Actually he picks up extra shifts so he can have more recreational money to spend on himself, does not contribute extra to savings or long term goals or pay off debt with this “extra” money. At least that is what I gather from OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I’m sure you aware you have several things that need to be addressed about your husband and your marriage.

But I think a simple solution is to have a flat rate of “fun money” for each of you per month. Each person gets to spend $500 (or whatever number you think is right) per month on themselves, the rest, no matter what that number is, gets put into joint savings. If one of wants more fun money for the month, it needs to be agreed upon by the other person.

I like this. Thank you.
May I ask a follow up question? Would you consider an additional car note part of that fun money? DH bought a car that he does not need and I don't think should be included in any calculations for core household expenses.

Oh man. That is tricky. Buying a car should be a joint decision, not an impulse purchase. If he didn't already have the car, but wanted it as a "fun" purchase then I would have said, as long as he can cover it with his "fun" money.

But I guess that shipped has sailed. Is it leased or did he take out a loan? Since he already has it and you haven't set your fun money amount yet, I think if the car note is under 50% of the fun money amount, then he has to use that money on the note. If it is over 50%, then I would push him to sell it. That is crazy he decided to buy a car that he couldn't afford to pay cash for AND didn't even need. I would be fuming about that. To be honest, he sounds terrible with money and I would try to encourage him to take a money management class with you. Otherwise, your marriage and your personal financial livelihood is headed toward disaster.

It's a loan.
Very fair points.
Thanks.