Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster that laid out some of the pitfalls of being married to a guy that always helps others.

Honestly, op, I’d probably not stay married. If I’m going to function like a single parent, I may as well be one.

I couldn’t deal with looking forward to a family or couple activity only to have him bail. More importantly, I wouldn’t want to.

I’d also not be comfortable with him saying he was “going for a ride” only to find out he’d done a favor for, especially if that favor was working for free at a for-proffit business, something which is highly illegal.

You mention that covid is forcing you to stay home. Your husband is exposing you and the kids as well as himself by all his helping friends.

How is that illegal?

I've actually used COVID as a reason for him to scale back on the favors. It has helped tremendously with friends and a bit with family, but we are extremely diligent about mask wearing and social distancing with everyone outside of our household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a hard working man who picks up extra shifts so you two can make ends meet and you are bitchin about him? Because your job requires work at home now and his doesn't? Unless you can earn more money and give the poor man a break, you should stop whining and NE thankful he puts up with you.

Actually he picks up extra shifts so he can have more recreational money to spend on himself, does not contribute extra to savings or long term goals or pay off debt with this “extra” money. At least that is what I gather from OP.

Exactly. Thank you for clarifying for the PP, who is likely a troll.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you specifically ask for time? like, between 5-6 on weeknights? or Saturday afternoons? Something that you know you will have off and can look forward to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you specifically ask for time? like, between 5-6 on weeknights? or Saturday afternoons? Something that you know you will have off and can look forward to?

Yeah, I plan on aiming for Sunday early evenings, unless we have something super special planned as a family. If it's just going to the playground, watching sports, etc. I will pass and take the alone time.

Thanks to you and the other PPs for the suggestions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

Tell him to order groceries online. Or at least for pick-up. It does sound like he is somewhat stressed about finances and the extra purchases are perhaps stress-relievers?

If it's between extra shifts/income and doing constant favors for others, I wouldn't mind him bringing in the extra cash. As someone with a SO who also does this but for people who I feel are taking advantage of him, then I'd rather mine work.

I'm not talking about a day every once in a while or even the occasional weekend-I'm talking about this guy demanding weekends in a row and multiple times a week. He's single because he's jerk. He'll even pull bait-and-switch things like calling at nearly 10p because he is locked out of his house and needs a tool from SO to get in (we live 15min away) and then gets irrationally angry he won't stay and drink around the fire. He always gets angry if I'm around, too, even in my own house during lockdown(!!!) because he wants SO's undivided attention.

None of this is our problem-get a keypad lock if this if going to be a 2x+/wk thing. SO won't drop him totally because they are coworkers. He has just stopped responding much at all, though, which is what I think your SO should do if he won't tell them he already said yes to family time with his family.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds ungrateful. Guy works, works overtime and helps people and she’s got an issue. C’mon. Really ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds ungrateful. Guy works, works overtime and helps people and she’s got an issue. C’mon. Really ?

You know, I really wonder about people like this who hop on threads, willfully misinterpret the conversation, and leave no helpful comments. Do you have nothing better to do?

The DH's work takes time away from the family.

His increased hours lead to more money, which he spends on cars and gadgets. Not the family.

His time "helping" other people...more time away from the family.

She's not his assistant there to prop him up. They're partners, and raising a family is a lifelong project. At best, this guy is coasting on OP's good will.

Lol that she should be "grateful" about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds ungrateful. Guy works, works overtime and helps people and she’s got an issue. C’mon. Really ?

You know, I really wonder about people like this who hop on threads, willfully misinterpret the conversation, and leave no helpful comments. Do you have nothing better to do?

The DH's work takes time away from the family.

His increased hours lead to more money, which he spends on cars and gadgets. Not the family.

His time "helping" other people...more time away from the family.

She's not his assistant there to prop him up. They're partners, and raising a family is a lifelong project. At best, this guy is coasting on OP's good will.

Lol that she should be "grateful" about this.

OP here. Thank you.

::eyeroll:: to the troll

[Anonymous]

No troll at all. If your husband is a drunk who doesn’t work well then complain all you want. But when your husband is a first responder who works overtime and helps family and friends well, I mean c’mon for crying out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances

I think that’s the rule and not the exception.

My DH and I each have a credit card from our single days that we keep for “secret” purchases, and by that I mean each other’s birthday presents.. It would never occur to us to split things up like you do.

That takes a level of trust that I'm uncomfortable with. I've had too many friends (of both sexes) tell me about their accounts being wiped by their partners.

I see how combining funds would hold us more accountable to core bills, savings, and then discretionary funds...That's something for me to mull over. But I don't see how that would necessarily change his work habits. If anything, I'm terrified that he'd want to spend MORE money because he'd see more money going into our joint account.

You can't have it both ways. "We need to have separate accounts and financial independence" does not go with, "He fulfills all of his financial obligations, but I don't like how he spends his extra money."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No troll at all. If your husband is a drunk who doesn’t work well then complain all you want. But when your husband is a first responder who works overtime and helps family and friends well, I mean c’mon for crying out loud.

I'll repeat this slowly for you again. OP's DH is not the star of their family's show with her in a supporting role. Perhaps that's how you see a husband's place, and in some families, perhaps that's the case. In most families I know who function in a healthy manner and contain an intact marriage, spouses support each other and don't undermine shared goals to be the "neighborhood good guy". Neighborhood good guy eventually goes home to his family and there are no points granted for being absent bc you fixed cousin Joe's muffler for free.

And cut the crap with the faux first responder nobility bit. I'm an ER doc who's been taking a bath in Covid since March. Yeah there's something to being on the front line, but I still have a family who needs me so I don't live at the hospital, no matter how much that would make my chairman cream his shorts (and probably promote me). Nope. My kid needs homework help and my partner likes to tell me about his day. I want to hear about it and not be answering pages bc I'm covering extra call for a few bucks my family doesn't need (and if I'm spending my money on gadgets that's a firm "do not need").

Not OP. But I get damn tired of trolls like you knocking women who are clearly getting the short end of the stick at home, and then have the temerity to turn around and tell her to be grateful. She's not talking about divorcing the guy, she's talking about how to build long term happiness for her family. It's a reasonable goal, no matter what mysogynistic nonsense you'll come up with.

So contribute something useful, own up to your position that OP should be grateful for scraps (as a FT working mom who could probably kick this dude to the curb and be ok), or have several seats.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No troll at all. If your husband is a drunk who doesn’t work well then complain all you want. But when your husband is a first responder who works overtime and helps family and friends well, I mean c’mon for crying out loud.

I'll repeat this slowly for you again. OP's DH is not the star of their family's show with her in a supporting role. Perhaps that's how you see a husband's place, and in some families, perhaps that's the case. In most families I know who function in a healthy manner and contain an intact marriage, spouses support each other and don't undermine shared goals to be the "neighborhood good guy". Neighborhood good guy eventually goes home to his family and there are no points granted for being absent bc you fixed cousin Joe's muffler for free.

And cut the crap with the faux first responder nobility bit. I'm an ER doc who's been taking a bath in Covid since March. Yeah there's something to being on the front line, but I still have a family who needs me so I don't live at the hospital, no matter how much that would make my chairman cream his shorts (and probably promote me). Nope. My kid needs homework help and my partner likes to tell me about his day. I want to hear about it and not be answering pages bc I'm covering extra call for a few bucks my family doesn't need (and if I'm spending my money on gadgets that's a firm "do not need").

Not OP. But I get damn tired of trolls like you knocking women who are clearly getting the short end of the stick at home, and then have the temerity to turn around and tell her to be grateful. She's not talking about divorcing the guy, she's talking about how to build long term happiness for her family. It's a reasonable goal, no matter what mysogynistic nonsense you'll come up with.

So contribute something useful, own up to your position that OP should be grateful for scraps (as a FT working mom who could probably kick this dude to the curb and be ok), or have several seats.

Thank you.

Doc, you seem angry simply because someone has a differing opinion than yourself. That’s not healthy. Her husband works hard, he’s a first responder, and works overtime to pay for things he wants so he doesn’t take away from family money. In my opinion this should be applauded. You don’t agree with me, that’s ok. No need to get angry and write diatribes on the internet. Chill.

[Anonymous]

Doc, you seem angry simply because someone has a differing opinion than yourself. That’s not healthy. Her husband works hard, he’s a first responder, and works overtime to pay for things he wants so he doesn’t take away from family money. In my opinion this should be applauded. You don’t agree with me, that’s ok. No need to get angry and write diatribes on the internet. Chill.

Lol, if that's your interpretation of anger your life experience must fill a thimble. Not that anger wouldn't be a reasonable response to someone with your take. Anyone who advocates for someone else to be taken advantage of, as is clearly occurring in OP's situation, has some serious self-reflection to do. Folks have left lots of constructive advice on this thread. Your hot take is that OP should be applauding the dysfunctional situations she's genuinely seeking to solve and I should "chill" for standing up to jabronis like yourself who advocate for maintaining the shitty status quo. Naw dude. I mean if it makes you feel better, sure, imagine me as an "angry woman". Shrill, even (God forbid! ). I'm a voice that may make OP feel heard in her attempt to make her family situation work (in this unprecedented year).

I'll take my position all day with a smile. FYI you should consider coming over from the dark side sometime. I bet you'll feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No troll at all. If your husband is a drunk who doesn’t work well then complain all you want. But when your husband is a first responder who works overtime and helps family and friends well, I mean c’mon for crying out loud.

I'll repeat this slowly for you again. OP's DH is not the star of their family's show with her in a supporting role. Perhaps that's how you see a husband's place, and in some families, perhaps that's the case. In most families I know who function in a healthy manner and contain an intact marriage, spouses support each other and don't undermine shared goals to be the "neighborhood good guy". Neighborhood good guy eventually goes home to his family and there are no points granted for being absent bc you fixed cousin Joe's muffler for free.

And cut the crap with the faux first responder nobility bit. I'm an ER doc who's been taking a bath in Covid since March. Yeah there's something to being on the front line, but I still have a family who needs me so I don't live at the hospital, no matter how much that would make my chairman cream his shorts (and probably promote me). Nope. My kid needs homework help and my partner likes to tell me about his day. I want to hear about it and not be answering pages bc I'm covering extra call for a few bucks my family doesn't need (and if I'm spending my money on gadgets that's a firm "do not need").

Not OP. But I get damn tired of trolls like you knocking women who are clearly getting the short end of the stick at home, and then have the temerity to turn around and tell her to be grateful. She's not talking about divorcing the guy, she's talking about how to build long term happiness for her family. It's a reasonable goal, no matter what mysogynistic nonsense you'll come up with.

So contribute something useful, own up to your position that OP should be grateful for scraps (as a FT working mom who could probably kick this dude to the curb and be ok), or have several seats.

Thank you.

Doc, you seem angry simply because someone has a differing opinion than yourself. That’s not healthy. Her husband works hard, he’s a first responder, and works overtime to pay for things he wants so he doesn’t take away from family money. In my opinion this should be applauded. You don’t agree with me, that’s ok. No need to get angry and write diatribes on the internet. Chill.

NP. You are missing OPs point entirely. Him not being home enough is one problem, but the main problem is the money from extra shifts is being used irresponsibly. He considers it "his" fun money. Except...they can't afford that. They don't have enough saved for retirement, colleges, and he is doing dumb stuff like taking out a loan to get a "fun" car he doesn't need and he can't afford. You think that is fine...because he is a first responder? Sorry, I don't care what you do for a living. You don't get to blow money however you want when you family doesn't have enough in savings for essentials. And sure and shit you should not be taking out unnecessary car loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances

I think that’s the rule and not the exception.

My DH and I each have a credit card from our single days that we keep for “secret” purchases, and by that I mean each other’s birthday presents.. It would never occur to us to split things up like you do.

That takes a level of trust that I'm uncomfortable with. I've had too many friends (of both sexes) tell me about their accounts being wiped by their partners.

I see how combining funds would hold us more accountable to core bills, savings, and then discretionary funds...That's something for me to mull over. But I don't see how that would necessarily change his work habits. If anything, I'm terrified that he'd want to spend MORE money because he'd see more money going into our joint account.

You can't have it both ways. "We need to have separate accounts and financial independence" does not go with, "He fulfills all of his financial obligations, but I don't like how he spends his extra money."

Your missing a key detail. He works extra shifts that create an extra burden on me so that he can have extra money.