Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

[Anonymous]

I don't understand this.

He works. You work. When he's not working, he runs errands. When you're not working, you can run errands. He works extra hours. You don't work extra hours.

1) set a budget. He doesn't get to work extra, and buy toys with it, while you have to stay home with the kids. He works for the family, into a budget you both agree on, or he stays at home while you take a walk.
2) set a schedule. You get friday afternoons off, or with him, or whatever you choose. He doesn't get to work extra on friday afternoons.
3) get him to do time-shifted work around the house -- laundry, meal prep, clean the bathrooms, whatever. You do the daiily deal with the kids: breakfast, dress, off to daycare, p/u from daycare, etc. He can't, because he often works when these happen. he can help when he's home.
4) he needs to sleep some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far in advance does he tell you his schedule?

He develops monthly schedules. So I know a few days before the 1st of the month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you talk to him? Can you take the 6 year old out to get coffee or dessert? Why can't you get alone time on the weekends or run the errands?

The 6 yo is my shadow so he'll go wherever I go. I love him to death, but sometimes i don't want to answer questions about every single thing.
DH works on the weekends too. This weekend on Saturday he's working from 8-6 and Sunday 8-1. So then typically we'll schedule family time when he is home on the weekends. So still no alone time for me. Yhough on occasion after a super long week, if he's home, I'll stay in bed until 9 for quiet time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what he can go to work and the grocery store and you are envious of this freedom?? No one is going any place fun these days, so chill. U are have it better than most the little one is in daycare and the older one is on zoom all day. Take a walk with your kid at lunch time and just grow up... it all sucks right now.

I actually do the grocery store runs after school with the 6 yo.
He's definitely not going anywhere fun without me, but he gets quiet time that I do not get at all.
I think that's what I'm resentful of. He picks up extra shifts outside of his standard work schedule and gets way more alone time while I'm being shadowed all day by a 6 yo and then evenings and weekends by a 2 yo, as well.

And then spend the money on himself, it sounds like. It’s not like he’s banking the money for college or the house or some thing, at least that’s what it sounds like

No he's not banking the money. Early on in our marriage, we agreed that I was better at saving. But at this point, it's definitely to the extreme. We've split household expenses 60(him)/40(me), but then I put all my extra in our accounts. Even more so now because I have nothing to spend it on. But he bought a new truck in August even though he has no where to go with it. He has two personal vehicles and a work vehicle that he primarily drives. (That's another vent.)

[Anonymous]

But if he’s a first responder, those weekend days are almost certainly because “days are days”. Everyone I know in those roles works 3-4 days on and the same off (or, for some, a week on and a week off). There are actual and cultural caps on OT as well, so an extra shift here and there, but he can’t be working all of his days off.

I think we’re missing a key part of this story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But if he’s a first responder, those weekend days are almost certainly because “days are days”. Everyone I know in those roles works 3-4 days on and the same off (or, for some, a week on and a week off). There are actual and cultural caps on OT as well, so an extra shift here and there, but he can’t be working all of his days off.

I think we’re missing a key part of this story.

The key part of the story is OP needs to hire a nanny for 6-year-old and go back into the office or shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what he can go to work and the grocery store and you are envious of this freedom?? No one is going any place fun these days, so chill. U are have it better than most the little one is in daycare and the older one is on zoom all day. Take a walk with your kid at lunch time and just grow up... it all sucks right now.

I actually do the grocery store runs after school with the 6 yo.
He's definitely not going anywhere fun without me, but he gets quiet time that I do not get at all.
I think that's what I'm resentful of. He picks up extra shifts outside of his standard work schedule and gets way more alone time while I'm being shadowed all day by a 6 yo and then evenings and weekends by a 2 yo, as well.

And then spend the money on himself, it sounds like. It’s not like he’s banking the money for college or the house or some thing, at least that’s what it sounds like

No he's not banking the money. Early on in our marriage, we agreed that I was better at saving. But at this point, it's definitely to the extreme. We've split household expenses 60(him)/40(me), but then I put all my extra in our accounts. Even more so now because I have nothing to spend it on. But he bought a new truck in August even though he has no where to go with it. He has two personal vehicles and a work vehicle that he primarily drives. (That's another vent.)

You need individual “allowances” that you can both spend on whatever, no questions or resentment, and then all of your other money goes into either household account or savings. Flame away but I don’t understand separate finances in most marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

I don’t quite understand. Can you elaborate here? It seems to me the problem is not his schedule but you have a disagreement of the handling of your finances. Why is all of the money not “yours” - as in both of yours?

It's a longer story, but when we first got married, we were living in a house that he owned with someone else, so for various reasons, I did not contribute to household bills and put all of my extra income in our savings account. A year later he sold the home and we bought our own home together and I contributed about 30% to the household and put the rest in savings, while he took care of 70% and daycare for #1. Then as my salary increased, I gradually increased my household contribution and we had #2, whom I pay daycare costs for. So now, we're at 60% him and 40% me for household costs, but I still continue to put all of my extra income in our savings and he does not because the precedent had already been set.

Typing this through I realize that this is part of the issue.

Also, as another dimension, I am starting a new job in January where I'll be making $30k more and this week he told me that we'll need to renegotiate our household contributions or he'll have to pick up more shifts "to keep up with me". I think this is what spurred my latest bout of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

I don’t quite understand. Can you elaborate here? It seems to me the problem is not his schedule but you have a disagreement of the handling of your finances. Why is all of the money not “yours” - as in both of yours?

It's a longer story, but when we first got married, we were living in a house that he owned with someone else, so for various reasons, I did not contribute to household bills and put all of my extra income in our savings account. A year later he sold the home and we bought our own home together and I contributed about 30% to the household and put the rest in savings, while he took care of 70% and daycare for #1. Then as my salary increased, I gradually increased my household contribution and we had #2, whom I pay daycare costs for. So now, we're at 60% him and 40% me for household costs, but I still continue to put all of my extra income in our savings and he does not because the precedent had already been set.

Typing this through I realize that this is part of the issue.

Also, as another dimension, I am starting a new job in January where I'll be making $30k more and this week he told me that we'll need to renegotiate our household contributions or he'll have to pick up more shifts "to keep up with me". I think this is what spurred my latest bout of resentment.

I think you are both looking at this in a toxic way. Does it really matter if “your” money goes into joint savings to be used for your kids or whatever while more of “his” money goes into household expenses? What is even the difference there? At the end of the day it’s all joint money anyway so I don’t think the bean-counting is productive.

If you have enough money there is no need for him to pick up extra shifts to keep up. I would recommend counseling to help you sort this out productively if after discussing this again you are on different pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this.

He works. You work. When he's not working, he runs errands. When you're not working, you can run errands. He works extra hours. You don't work extra hours.

1) set a budget. He doesn't get to work extra, and buy toys with it, while you have to stay home with the kids. He works for the family, into a budget you both agree on, or he stays at home while you take a walk.
2) set a schedule. You get friday afternoons off, or with him, or whatever you choose. He doesn't get to work extra on friday afternoons.
3) get him to do time-shifted work around the house -- laundry, meal prep, clean the bathrooms, whatever. You do the daiily deal with the kids: breakfast, dress, off to daycare, p/u from daycare, etc. He can't, because he often works when these happen. he can help when he's home.
4) he needs to sleep some.

You are right.
1) In the budget I set, do I also set mandatory contributions to our various savings accounts?
2) Agreed.
3) We had this discussion 2 years ago and we landed on him doing the laundry for the kids. He also does dishes when I basically let them pile up. But that's it.
I had a cleaner, but since COVID they have refused to resume services. I need to find a new service provider because it's become unmanageable to keep up with cleaning. He is just not good at it, so it's more hassle to ask him to contribute to cleaning. He is great with the morning routine so I do not interfere with that in order to get extra rest (unless he has to leave early), but then I feel bad on the days that he works until 2am and has to wake up at 7am. But that would then require me working round the clock. So it's no win for me in terms of how I feel, but I do remind myself that I am entitled, to an occasional break.
4) I'm not sure how you figured out that he doesnt get much sleep from my posts, but you're spot on. He gets 6-7 hours/night, which is not healthy, but it's by choice! So my sympathy is unfortunately lacking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But if he’s a first responder, those weekend days are almost certainly because “days are days”. Everyone I know in those roles works 3-4 days on and the same off (or, for some, a week on and a week off). There are actual and cultural caps on OT as well, so an extra shift here and there, but he can’t be working all of his days off.

I think we’re missing a key part of this story.

Not for police officers. The only cap is 16 hours/day and even during a state of emergency, they can increase it.
You may be more familiar with firefighter schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But if he’s a first responder, those weekend days are almost certainly because “days are days”. Everyone I know in those roles works 3-4 days on and the same off (or, for some, a week on and a week off). There are actual and cultural caps on OT as well, so an extra shift here and there, but he can’t be working all of his days off.

I think we’re missing a key part of this story.

The key part of the story is OP needs to hire a nanny for 6-year-old and go back into the office or shut up.

OP can't afford a nanny and the office is closed. Everyone is working from home. Go away with the rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what he can go to work and the grocery store and you are envious of this freedom?? No one is going any place fun these days, so chill. U are have it better than most the little one is in daycare and the older one is on zoom all day. Take a walk with your kid at lunch time and just grow up... it all sucks right now.

I actually do the grocery store runs after school with the 6 yo.
He's definitely not going anywhere fun without me, but he gets quiet time that I do not get at all.
I think that's what I'm resentful of. He picks up extra shifts outside of his standard work schedule and gets way more alone time while I'm being shadowed all day by a 6 yo and then evenings and weekends by a 2 yo, as well.

And then spend the money on himself, it sounds like. It’s not like he’s banking the money for college or the house or some thing, at least that’s what it sounds like

No he's not banking the money. Early on in our marriage, we agreed that I was better at saving. But at this point, it's definitely to the extreme. We've split household expenses 60(him)/40(me), but then I put all my extra in our accounts. Even more so now because I have nothing to spend it on. But he bought a new truck in August even though he has no where to go with it. He has two personal vehicles and a work vehicle that he primarily drives. (That's another vent.)

You need individual “allowances” that you can both spend on whatever, no questions or resentment, and then all of your other money goes into either household account or savings. Flame away but I don’t understand separate finances in most marriages.

This would require a major shift. I'm not even sure where to start. What is an appropriate amount for an allowance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

I don’t quite understand. Can you elaborate here? It seems to me the problem is not his schedule but you have a disagreement of the handling of your finances. Why is all of the money not “yours” - as in both of yours?

It's a longer story, but when we first got married, we were living in a house that he owned with someone else, so for various reasons, I did not contribute to household bills and put all of my extra income in our savings account. A year later he sold the home and we bought our own home together and I contributed about 30% to the household and put the rest in savings, while he took care of 70% and daycare for #1. Then as my salary increased, I gradually increased my household contribution and we had #2, whom I pay daycare costs for. So now, we're at 60% him and 40% me for household costs, but I still continue to put all of my extra income in our savings and he does not because the precedent had already been set.

Typing this through I realize that this is part of the issue.

Also, as another dimension, I am starting a new job in January where I'll be making $30k more and this week he told me that we'll need to renegotiate our household contributions or he'll have to pick up more shifts "to keep up with me". I think this is what spurred my latest bout of resentment.

I think you are both looking at this in a toxic way. Does it really matter if “your” money goes into joint savings to be used for your kids or whatever while more of “his” money goes into household expenses? What is even the difference there? At the end of the day it’s all joint money anyway so I don’t think the bean-counting is productive.

If you have enough money there is no need for him to pick up extra shifts to keep up. I would recommend counseling to help you sort this out productively if after discussing this again you are on different pages.

You are right. Except it becomes an issue when I use my extra money to build our savings and he uses his extra money on luxury/unnecessary items. So it's not so much where our "core" money goes, but where the extra money goes. And you're right, we don't need the extra extra money and I'd rather him not pick up extra shifts and be home with the family and/or providing me childcare relief. That's the whole premise of my post.
We discuss it every six months and I do think that professional counseling is needed at this point. How do we navigate couples counseling during a pandemic with a 6 yo shadow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what he can go to work and the grocery store and you are envious of this freedom?? No one is going any place fun these days, so chill. U are have it better than most the little one is in daycare and the older one is on zoom all day. Take a walk with your kid at lunch time and just grow up... it all sucks right now.

Not OP. You clearly have zero clue what it’s like to be home w a 6 yo DL. She is basically the teacher. At most, DL is facilitating homes school at this age. It’s terrible and is destroying a generation of mothers. I feel for OP. I wish I had advice but the only that’s going to help is schools opening. I hope yours does soon.