Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the short term, prioritize you time over family time. Seriously. So he works until 1 and then 3-6 was supposed to be family time. Great! Have an appointment, need to get something, oops, cousin called and you need to call her back. Be honest with him that you are going to take from 3-5 and then help with dinner or whatever.

But you can't make more hours. You need to decide what is better for you. He is doing that (shifts) and that is ok. You don't have to have the same metrics. If all family matters more, then let it go that you have no you time.

Right now, it's honestly the cleaning that doesnt allow me to do this. For example, today he came home at 2 and took DCs to the playground from 3:30-5:30 so I used that time to catch up on cleaning. It was finally alone time, but not really fully for myself. Sigh.

So pay someone to come clean.

or don't clean. Who is coming over? You have a lot of excuses as to why you aren't taking time for yourself. The next time he is alone with the kids just leave. Take some time to yourself to read a book or whatever you view as being fully for yourself. You have to figure out how to carve this time our for yourself. You are holding yourself back. Not your husband.

No one is coming over, but a dirty and disorderly house affects my mood, especially when I am forced to be home all day.
As I said above, once I find a new cleaning service provider a good chunk of my time will free up, which will help with much of this. I'll also utilize some of the other strategies you and PPs have suggested.

[Anonymous]

I think I understand, op. Your husband is picking up extra shifts maybe or maybe not without your awareness and then he has a history of doing random errands and favors for friends. Who are these friends? Why do they feel they can take advantage of your husband? And, why does your husband feel he can take advantage of you? If he was a single parent he’d have to be avaiable to pick up and care for his children. He wouldn’t be able to just leave his kids to go help another adult on a whim.

I’d also bet that he isn’t a good husband to you, people who give and give and give to others often don’t have anything left for their families. They will happily help a friend move, then refuse to get their spouse something they really enjoy from Starbucks, or they will drive a friend all over town and then complain when their spouses asks them to load the dishwasher. It’s not a fun way to live, especially when the world goes on and on about how giving and kind the person you are married to is.

Also, it’s difficult to enjoy family time or sexy time or any kind of time. You don’t know when a nice afternoon or evening will be interupted by “Jack, can you…”

These “friends” also make the spouse who stays home feel like a raging bitch if they express any displeasure or annoyance, after all he’s your husband, you can see him anytime. Well, I could if people demanding things didn’t call at literally all hours of the day and night.

I’d also suggest that this sort of behavior is much harder to deal with since cell phones happened. There is no way to get away from the phone calls, the texts, the discussions. People expect to get hold of whoever they want instantly. It’s no longer possible to go to a movie or out to dinner or anyplace and get away from the phone. It’s no longer possible to hide a phone or have the cat “accidentally” knock it off the cradle. Also, since cell phones are personal, i.e. tied to one person only, the people calling know they won’t get the wife whow ill say “No, I’m sorry, not today dear”.

Point being, the helping friends now has the potential to ruin a marriage. Nobody wants to be viewed as selfish. The awareness of abuse has primed people to regard anything that smells of “I don’t like these friends” as isolating and abusive. There is no way to even really talk about appropriate boundaries.

As for the money, what exactly is he spending it on? Do you get any enjoyment from what you call toys? Be careful in your thinking. I bought a nice keurig that my husband didn’t think we needed. He uses it every day.

Before you jump on your husband’s spending, make sure that you aren’t even looking at what he’s bought and thinking “Wow, that looks nice”?

You two need to probably talk about spending. I don’t care how you divide up your expenses since it is all marital property and marital money anyway.

You two do need to talk about what you spend and when.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I’m going to go the other way.

Your husband provides the minimal financial support he can to his family.
He does the minimal amount of work with the kids and around the house.
He spends the least amount of time that he can with the family.

And when you tell him that you are going to make more money, he says “Great! Expect me to be gone even more!”.

Do not combine finances with this spoiled man child.
There are red flags for cheating all over your posts.
Of course, I don’t know either one of you but the description of his desire to spend time with you doesn’t sound good.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I’m going to go the other way.

Your husband provides the minimal financial support he can to his family.
He does the minimal amount of work with the kids and around the house.
He spends the least amount of time that he can with the family.

And when you tell him that you are going to make more money, he says “Great! Expect me to be gone even more!”.

Do not combine finances with this spoiled man child.
There are red flags for cheating all over your posts.
Of course, I don’t know either one of you but the description of his desire to spend time with you doesn’t sound good.
Good luck.

His response was, "Either contribute more to the household or I will pick up extra shifts." However, since our bills have not changed and are not changing, I think that what a PP referenced regarding a bit of insecurity on his part, may be right.

I sincerely don't believe that he's cheating. I don't even know where he'd find the time to do it. And he usually does check in during his extra shifts. It's not like he's unreachable for hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand, op. Your husband is picking up extra shifts maybe or maybe not without your awareness and then he has a history of doing random errands and favors for friends. Who are these friends? Why do they feel they can take advantage of your husband? And, why does your husband feel he can take advantage of you? If he was a single parent he’d have to be avaiable to pick up and care for his children. He wouldn’t be able to just leave his kids to go help another adult on a whim.

I’d also bet that he isn’t a good husband to you, people who give and give and give to others often don’t have anything left for their families. They will happily help a friend move, then refuse to get their spouse something they really enjoy from Starbucks, or they will drive a friend all over town and then complain when their spouses asks them to load the dishwasher. It’s not a fun way to live, especially when the world goes on and on about how giving and kind the person you are married to is.

Also, it’s difficult to enjoy family time or sexy time or any kind of time. You don’t know when a nice afternoon or evening will be interupted by “Jack, can you…”

These “friends” also make the spouse who stays home feel like a raging bitch if they express any displeasure or annoyance, after all he’s your husband, you can see him anytime. Well, I could if people demanding things didn’t call at literally all hours of the day and night.

I’d also suggest that this sort of behavior is much harder to deal with since cell phones happened. There is no way to get away from the phone calls, the texts, the discussions. People expect to get hold of whoever they want instantly. It’s no longer possible to go to a movie or out to dinner or anyplace and get away from the phone. It’s no longer possible to hide a phone or have the cat “accidentally” knock it off the cradle. Also, since cell phones are personal, i.e. tied to one person only, the people calling know they won’t get the wife whow ill say “No, I’m sorry, not today dear”.

Point being, the helping friends now has the potential to ruin a marriage. Nobody wants to be viewed as selfish. The awareness of abuse has primed people to regard anything that smells of “I don’t like these friends” as isolating and abusive. There is no way to even really talk about appropriate boundaries.

As for the money, what exactly is he spending it on? Do you get any enjoyment from what you call toys? Be careful in your thinking. I bought a nice keurig that my husband didn’t think we needed. He uses it every day.

Before you jump on your husband’s spending, make sure that you aren’t even looking at what he’s bought and thinking “Wow, that looks nice”?

You two need to probably talk about spending. I don’t care how you divide up your expenses since it is all marital property and marital money anyway.

You two do need to talk about what you spend and when.

Ironically, he is willing to do any favors I ask of him. He's a super people pleaser except when it comes to his schedule and being home more and I can't figure it out.
I've asked him point blank if he had hidden debt and he said no. I believe him because it would have showed up on his credit report when we bought our home 5 years ago.
He just spends his money recklessly.

You are however, spot on regarding the rest.

In the course of 10 years he's bought 5 cars. Had I not stopped him, this number would have been much higher. But 3 of them were hidden purchases and 3 of them he definitely didn't need. He also buys things to enhance the cars. That's one of his hobbies. He also helps others enhance their cars and is never forthcoming about whether they pay for their own supplies. They never pay for his time. I used to assume that the people did until one time I overheard someone saying that they still needed to pay him back for xyz part and he said "don't worry about it".

One year he would go to a family members shop and work on cars there on the weekend, but I made a fuss about it because I then had to watch the kids alone while he did this, he started taking our older DC with him. He'd say they were going for a ride or to run errands and DC would come back and tell me how they were actually at the shop or at someone's home working on their car!

He has a huge family and network of associates so he gets calls for everything and no one cares that he's a husband with 2 young children. He is the first person that everyone calls for everything and I think that he likes it. He never ignores a phone call. His phone literally rings all day with people asking him for favors. I am always the bad guy because since I've instituted boundaries, when someone asks him to do something he says he needs to ask me first and then goes back and says no. It's not fair to make me the bad guy, but I'm honestly just happy that he's finally saying no sometimes.

I think over the course of several years I've forgotten a lot because I've just been pushing through and dealing with it, but when I sit down and recap I realize how bad it all is. And this isn't even the half. Sigh. We definitely need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

So let me get this straight - you had two issues: him doing favors for friends, and him working too much. He stopped the first, and you negotiated limits to the second, which he is complying with.

What precisely is the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

I don’t quite understand. Can you elaborate here? It seems to me the problem is not his schedule but you have a disagreement of the handling of your finances. Why is all of the money not “yours” - as in both of yours?

It's a longer story, but when we first got married, we were living in a house that he owned with someone else, so for various reasons, I did not contribute to household bills and put all of my extra income in our savings account. A year later he sold the home and we bought our own home together and I contributed about 30% to the household and put the rest in savings, while he took care of 70% and daycare for #1. Then as my salary increased, I gradually increased my household contribution and we had #2, whom I pay daycare costs for. So now, we're at 60% him and 40% me for household costs, but I still continue to put all of my extra income in our savings and he does not because the precedent had already been set.

Typing this through I realize that this is part of the issue.

Also, as another dimension, I am starting a new job in January where I'll be making $30k more and this week he told me that we'll need to renegotiate our household contributions or he'll have to pick up more shifts "to keep up with me". I think this is what spurred my latest bout of resentment.

This is not a marriage, it's a business relationship. As long as you keep treating it this way, you'll continue to have problems. And because you treat it this way, you really don't have any reason to complain - he's fulfilling all his obligations under this agreement. He's contributing what he said he would, and nothing more. It seems like you're contributing whatr you said you would, and then volunteering more. That's your choice, and you should stop doing it if you want.

As another PP said, you need to treat this like a true partnership, rather than two individuals each responsible for different things. All money goes into a common pot; a certain amount gets set aside for savings, a certain amount gets divided up for household expenses, and the rest is divided up between to the two of you to use as you see fit.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your husband has always prioritized his wants ahead of the needs of you and your children. In normal times you could gloss over it because you could meet those needs on your own, but now that a crisis has hit, it’s become glaringly obvious that he will never step up to be a true partner in your marriage or your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.
Thanks for reading.

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?

*ask

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

So let me get this straight - you had two issues: him doing favors for friends, and him working too much. He stopped the first, and you negotiated limits to the second, which he is complying with.

What precisely is the problem?

Pre-COVID it was manageable. It's not anymore because I'm home all the time with the kids by myself, while also juggling my own work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

I don’t quite understand. Can you elaborate here? It seems to me the problem is not his schedule but you have a disagreement of the handling of your finances. Why is all of the money not “yours” - as in both of yours?

It's a longer story, but when we first got married, we were living in a house that he owned with someone else, so for various reasons, I did not contribute to household bills and put all of my extra income in our savings account. A year later he sold the home and we bought our own home together and I contributed about 30% to the household and put the rest in savings, while he took care of 70% and daycare for #1. Then as my salary increased, I gradually increased my household contribution and we had #2, whom I pay daycare costs for. So now, we're at 60% him and 40% me for household costs, but I still continue to put all of my extra income in our savings and he does not because the precedent had already been set.

Typing this through I realize that this is part of the issue.

Also, as another dimension, I am starting a new job in January where I'll be making $30k more and this week he told me that we'll need to renegotiate our household contributions or he'll have to pick up more shifts "to keep up with me". I think this is what spurred my latest bout of resentment.

This is not a marriage, it's a business relationship. As long as you keep treating it this way, you'll continue to have problems. And because you treat it this way, you really don't have any reason to complain - he's fulfilling all his obligations under this agreement. He's contributing what he said he would, and nothing more. It seems like you're contributing whatr you said you would, and then volunteering more. That's your choice, and you should stop doing it if you want.

As another PP said, you need to treat this like a true partnership, rather than two individuals each responsible for different things. All money goes into a common pot; a certain amount gets set aside for savings, a certain amount gets divided up for household expenses, and the rest is divided up between to the two of you to use as you see fit.

I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.

I don’t quite understand. Can you elaborate here? It seems to me the problem is not his schedule but you have a disagreement of the handling of your finances. Why is all of the money not “yours” - as in both of yours?

It's a longer story, but when we first got married, we were living in a house that he owned with someone else, so for various reasons, I did not contribute to household bills and put all of my extra income in our savings account. A year later he sold the home and we bought our own home together and I contributed about 30% to the household and put the rest in savings, while he took care of 70% and daycare for #1. Then as my salary increased, I gradually increased my household contribution and we had #2, whom I pay daycare costs for. So now, we're at 60% him and 40% me for household costs, but I still continue to put all of my extra income in our savings and he does not because the precedent had already been set.

Typing this through I realize that this is part of the issue.

Also, as another dimension, I am starting a new job in January where I'll be making $30k more and this week he told me that we'll need to renegotiate our household contributions or he'll have to pick up more shifts "to keep up with me". I think this is what spurred my latest bout of resentment.

This is not a marriage, it's a business relationship. As long as you keep treating it this way, you'll continue to have problems. And because you treat it this way, you really don't have any reason to complain - he's fulfilling all his obligations under this agreement. He's contributing what he said he would, and nothing more. It seems like you're contributing whatr you said you would, and then volunteering more. That's your choice, and you should stop doing it if you want.

As another PP said, you need to treat this like a true partnership, rather than two individuals each responsible for different things. All money goes into a common pot; a certain amount gets set aside for savings, a certain amount gets divided up for household expenses, and the rest is divided up between to the two of you to use as you see fit.

I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances.

[Anonymous]

I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband has always prioritized his wants ahead of the needs of you and your children. In normal times you could gloss over it because you could meet those needs on your own, but now that a crisis has hit, it’s become glaringly obvious that he will never step up to be a true partner in your marriage or your family.

My DH has done a 180. Seriously I brace myself for impact and he turns around and says the most supportive things. We are having a very close period. What did I do? I talked, I vocalized my feelings. I leaned into what I felt. I didn’t stop. 6 weeks I was relentless. He finally “got it”. I’m so pleased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No solution.... just chiming in to say I have this issue too. DH makes his own hours. There is no set predictable schedule and it makes me crazy. My life has gotten 10x harder with covid. His has stayed exactly the same. We talk about it all the time. Things improve for a few days. Then rinse and repeat.

OP here. You get me.

In the same boat.

I have urged DH to get a new job but he has never thought that that made sense. He has made some effort to use his free time for the family and with the kids more since COVID but I still struggle with working from home and managing distance learning for two kids and running most of the household.

Can he run errands that benefit you? Can he come home instead of doing errands and let you run the errands for a break?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't know that other couples put all of their money in a common pot. I might start asking a few of my married friends how they handle finances

I think that’s the rule and not the exception.

My DH and I each have a credit card from our single days that we keep for “secret” purchases, and by that I mean each other’s birthday presents.. It would never occur to us to split things up like you do.